Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I wanna get into those pants

It's been a long and adventuresome journey but today I literally bought new jeans. I know what your thinking 'I want to get into those jeans.... Would have been a more literal title for this blog.... Especially seeing as I want to get into your pants bad, and I've been led to believe they may currently be jeans'

Well calm down, no one should ever 'get into someone's pants' without first hearing a story about those pants, and I want you in my jeans, so here is the story.

Its a bit of a roller coaster so hang on to something. A year or so ago I bought two pairs of new jeans. I needed them because I'd recently gotten so fat the one last pair of pants I could squeeze into burst around the groin region. Which is a bitter sweet day, on the one hand you get to show your underwear to strangers, but on the other hand your fat sucks your confidence to the point where your not sure strangers in Mcdonalds even want to see your underwear.

I was traveling at the time and I tend to walk a lot when traveling which can result in weight loss. And I was super excited you guys as my new fat guy jeans got looser and looser on me. So much so that by the end of the trip I needed to buy new jeans again to fit my sexy slim new body. Which is a bitter sweet day, on the one hand your once again comfortable but on the other hand now your pants no longer fall down in McDonald's and so strangers miss out on seeing your underwear.

Upon returning home I got fat again and reverted back to my still newish fat guy jeans. Then I got so fat that I ripped the groin in one of these pairs. This inspired me to diet and exercise till I fit back into my skinny guy jeans. Which is bitter sweet because my diet was so weird and inconsistent my underpants now smelled of bacon grease sweat.

Then I came over here to Canada where I am now, and I purposely only brought that one pair of skinny man jeans so I couldn't afford to gain weight. But I needed new jeans so I could have a second pair and eat the delicious gravy covered poutine fries every day without worrying I'd spill all over myself and end up walking around pantless. The good news is now I can eat without fear and so should be too fat for these jeans within weeks.

The point is, these new jeans, while definitely super sexy, have one small problem. The fly always feels open. This is reverting me to my awkward high-school self where I had pants that always felt like the fly was open. Sardonically this meant I was constantly touching my groin in public to check, drawing people's eyes to my groin, the one place I wanted no one to see, because at the time instead of wearing underpants I just dipped my balls in boiling bacon grease.

No in truth I actually wore the same stinking pair of school pants every day for 4 years, only getting them washed 3 times in that entire period.

Why? Because i was too scared to buy new pants. That would require me going to the school uniform shop and potentially, gasp, both have to talk to a sales clerk for as long as it took to measure me up, and talking to a human for me was a truly mortifying thought AND I'd have to be measured up, something so potentially humiliating I'd rather of cut off my own legs, or even talk to someone.

And I didn't wash them because some strange voice in my head suggested my social skills weren't up to meeting girls so who cares of I stink.

The point is, see how far I've come? I may still have no social skills but now when I need new pants I now GET new pants! Hell yeah!

Also see how much more you want into my pants now that you've heard the story about them? I say make your move now, or you may end up just hanging out in McDonald's waiting for my groin to burst.

Also I wrote all that's above last night. Today I found a very specific colorization on my chosen jeans. A dark patch of denim right at my balls. Wearing these jeans makes me look like I've always just peed myself. The point is I need new jeans.