The Billionaire — The Poem

Scotty, The billionaire

Was known for having a billion dollars*

On account of he had a billion dollars!

He quite enjoyed this

And he quite enjoyed living a life he quite enjoyed

So he decided he wanted to live forever

To stop aging he tried exercise, supplements, light therapy and even hoping!

But none of it worked, his body declined towards decrepit horror just like it did for the rest of us.

Then one day he had a brain wave that came right from his thinking part of his brain right into his recognizing he’d just thought of something part of his brain

‘Maybe I can use all this money to live forever on a computer or something ’ was that brain wave thought, and it now moved into his ‘worth a try’ brain part.

So as a final hurrah he spent his entire fortune on scientists nerds, computer nerds, computer scientists and nerd nerds, tasking them with figuring out how to upload his brain and all its parts, including any bits that may or may not be his soul, onto a computer.

And by blimey, it was money well spent, because this ragtag bunch of geniuses just went ahead and nailed it they did!

(Technically it was the nerd nerds that pulled it off, but the others ‘helped’)

And just as his heart began to give out, his lungs stopped sucking in air, and his spleen stopped spleening, his brain and the rest of the consciousness and bits, went ‘whoop’ deep into a computer.

Sixteen billion years later the sun finally burnt out and the computer holding his consciousness powered down. He whooped back out. He was a little sore from being in the same place for so long, and a tad groggy, but happy when he saw god, who was now welcoming him to the gates of heaven. Right through the front door.

(They didn’t have to open it, as he was just brain waves and shit).

God sat him down.

Shook his head

And said…

‘You missed out on 16 billion years of paradise you f’n drongo’. Seriously? You fucking idiot! Did you not even read the book I sent down?’

Scotty, took a moment to think about this, then asked.

‘Is that more wasted paradise years than anyone else ever?’

‘Yep’, replied God, ‘the only other billionaire that got even close was Elon Musk, who spent 14.2 billion years in a computer’.

Scotty, The billionaire

Now raised his hands in their air!

‘Woo hoo!’ He cried with joy!

I’m officially NUMBER ONE!

The end

*He was also known for popularizing rich guys not wearing ties to work! Thanks dude.

Another No Tie Guy 

Sadness

‘All the decent mega-mansions are in really boring neighborhoods’ said the sad billionaire with tears in his eyes.

‘Why can’t I just find a nice twenty bedroom plus place, with more than one pool, a full sized cinema, a banquet room, tennis courts in more than one surface, and a side pool house bigger than most upper middle-class people could ever dream of owning, that I will personally use to store all the art I own by household name known renaissance masters, that I don’t currently feel like looking at, in a neighborhood with nice restaurants, theaters, bars and a twenty four hour convenience store?’ He practically pleaded, now with tears streaming down his face.

He then pulled himself together, dabbed his eyes dry with hundred dollar bills, and went to sleep in a bed so big that both of his teenage mistresses were able to find space beyond his reach.