Thursday, January 7, 2010

Proof cave men were geniuses; this blog has lots of sex

Just about every animal on earth fucks the same way, doggy style, so why the fuck is this called ‘doggy’ style? Didn’t some cave men watch sabre tooth tigers fuck and say lets try it ‘sabre’ style.

No they didn’t, because the cave men had the forethought to think that one day humans will choose to keep slobbery hairy animals in our homes, and let them poo in our back yards, and we’d like to think about them while doing it from behind, after all it is the position with the least face to face, the dude can look at the dog, and the girl can look at the sheets and get turned on by her decorating skills!! Cave men = Geniuses = proven!!!

Plus doing it doggy style, if the girl doesn’t want your cum on her back to clean up, simply spray all over the floor and the dog will lick it up. You ain’t going to get no Woolly Mammoth to lick your cum off your floor, no matter how much they like doing each other from behind.

Plus lesbians have the scissor position, because of course you want to think about sharp cutting metal while rubbing your genitals together!

Also the BC people were geniuses, they didn’t just know Jesus was coming, they new when! Or how else did they know to count the years backwards? “oh shit, its 0001 BC, we better get our fucking, stealing and murdering out of the way, Jesus is coming in a year and I have a feeling he is going to ruin it all!” Thus starting the tradition of New Years debauchery!!! Thanks BC people, you don’t get the respect you deserve.

True story: On New Year Eve 1999/2000 I was at a party which sucked ball sack, and I was still in my pathetic shy stage (read I wasn’t getting even close to any girls) and so with five minutes left in the 1900s I decided to play my trump card, hope like fuck some girls would get so enthused about this infamous event that they would just, you know, grab a strange shy boy and give him a midnight kiss. So I purposely positioned myself next to three cute girls, and as the count down began, turned to face them ‘come to mamma’ (if mamma = loser) and to my shock, instead they made out with each other, one by one. And as much as I would like to see a couple of girls cut each others vaginas out with scissors, THIS display of lesbianism was merely crushing.

Later I ran into some guy fingering one of these girls on the beach the party was at in front of about a thousand people.

But don’t worry, only about a year and a half later, I DID get my first kiss of the 2000s, hell fucking yeah, the fact that this girl was making out with another dude within minutes of me was only slightly crushing. (Thanks for the warning cave men and BC pricks)

Note to self: Next time you’re at this same party and you and your friend meet two girls, one of which is proudly wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Sexpert’ on the front, choose to be the one of the two of you that says ‘If your really a sexpert prove it’ instead of the one thinking ‘you asshole, no way that will work, and you’ll just piss both these girls off’ because it turns out the one that says ‘prove it’ will soon be getting a blow job in the adjacent woods, and that’s not you

I am actually a member of sexual fetish group, we’re not weird or anything, we just like fucking dolphins in their head holes. Oh come on, don’t get mad at me, have an open mind, actually that’s why we like the dolphins, because they are literally open minded (get it, cause they have holes in their head!!!!! Hell you know yeah).

Also why do some guys like getting blow jobs while driving their car? Where the fuck are you going that you can’t pull over to enjoy having your dick sucked you selfish pricks. Plus can I come to this place you’re going, sounds like a fun time.

Oh by the way, is there a sporting team you hate? If so I’m now offering my special skills as a sport team jinxer.

Here is my record

North Sydney Bears: I was the biggest fan in the world (no exaggeration) they were kicked out of the competition after making the play offs 8 of the past ten years, and despite being over a hundred years old (long, angry story)

Arsenal: I went to see them twice while in England in two different seasons, both times they recorded the loss which was later widely considered to be the losses which cost them the title

Seattle Supersonics: I went to see them and they were dead in a couple of years

LA Lakers: I went to see them and the same year Magic Johnson got AIDs

Northern Spirit: Aussie soccer team, I bought a season ticket and within two years not only were they dead, but the entire competition was shut down for good

A lot more minor ones I can’t be bothered to list.

I am taking bids, give me money to become a fan of a team you hate and I’ll check them out and DESTROY THEM. (I can't promise to give their star player AIDs but I can sure try hard)

My mind is much frazzled today, can you tell? Not my normal focused insanity, just frazzled.

By the way brushing your teeth with broken glass is only a two birds one stone scenario if you have some left over broken glass AND are mad at your teeth and gums. I am so sick of people coming up to me and saying they killed two birds with one stone last night by brushing their teeth with broken glass and then it turns out they were only using up broken glass, but felt no ill will towards there teeth and gums (why does spell check want to change gums, do gums not really exist, have i just made that up and been using it for years and no one knows how to tell me, ok now I'm freaked out), get your clichés right you assholes.

Anyone doing anything exciting today?