Thursday, February 28, 2013


You're either with me... or against me ... Or you don't know who I am... But if you did you'd be with me... Or against me... Unless your opinion of me was ambiguous.... In which case I'd consider you against me.. Unless I feel you'd be with me if only you knew me better... And yet why haven't you tried to get to get know me better... Unless you're against me... Or shy... Or shyly unwilling to admit you don't know what you feel... In which case aren't you actually just for yourself?... Why haven't you at least thought about what you feel for me?... Are you that selfish? I mean that little to you?... Have you simply not even considered whether you're with me or against me?... What kind of person are you?... Probably someone who'd be with me if you knew me... Right?... Please? ... Seriously????... I'd be with you if I could be!!!... Well fuck you!!! You wanted to be against me from the get go didn't you?... You motherfucker!!!! I don't want your type with me anyway!!!... Unless you'd actually be with me if you knew me... Which is probably the truth... So get to know me you cunts... I'm a good guy... At least to people with me

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Under pants

'Oh, because they go under your pants'

And with that mere thought came the crushing and heartbreaking moment a long and arduous expedition into attempting to write a 'why do they call them 'under' pants' joke officially failed.

It was a long and fanciful journey before I hit this final insurmountable obstacle, the ultimate unclimbable wall, truth, and while tears were defendable, earned even, It'd be criminal of me to casually dismiss and discard the undeniably wonderful high points warmly enjoyed before the failure had been reached or even contemplated, and you better believe there were highs, awesome peaks of wonder such as:

- You don't try and 'under'stand them
- I've never been 'under'whelmed by them and
- 'under' a moonlit sky if I mis'under'stand a potential threat and shit my pants I don't 'under'appreciate them

But there were the lows too, obviously , painful lows that I struggled to carry on from, rage filled lows, such as:

- staring at a pile or dirty laundry trying to get inspiration
- two days going commando in uncomfortable jeans experiencing life without them
- being whipped by a nun for going to confession and asking the priest what kind of underpants he wore, and of course the worst,
- trying to see if there really is truth behind every joke by shitting my pants and checking my appreciation level. It was only medium and medium gives me NOTHING.

And then the final death. Oh, because you wear them 'under' your pants' - damn you!!!!!! The dream is dead.

Maybe next time, when recovered from this physical ordeal and mended my mental anguish, well into the future from now of course, i'll try and figure out a joke on the topic of 'what would be a good super power?'

Oh wait - Super Jealousy! Because you'd get to use it ALL THE TIME!

Damn it - I mean it's genius obviously, its so deliciously ironically optimistic, as all brilliant jokes should be, but where was the journey, the ups and downs, the lows and highs - I arrived straight at the summit, and the satisfaction in that is only medium - MEDIUM!!!!