Awww - A poem

Ghurg, a visiter from Frhjkeerger, in the skyslu Galaxy a couple of light years east of the Milky Way, was catching a suburban train in Sydney for the first time since he arrived on earth.

'Meh' he thought 'not as bad as everyone suggested it would be'.

Just then his hyropin gland, or his 'neck dick' as teenage humans seemed to like calling it, excreted around three liters of Dguop fluid, a thick purple grey, gluey textured type substance, all over the lady sitting next to him.

'Meh' she thought 'still not as bad as the time when the pit sweat guy grabbed my ass and then wet sneezed in my face'. 

The two of them are now married with a teenage kid named Dennisaghtl, he's a hit with the ladies too, just had his hyropin sucked off by a girl for the first time. 

Unfortunately this was not something he desired, in fact it was so painful he sprayed her with his Bydhdj laser, turning her into a statue of a frog tonguing a poisonous spider.

'Meh' she thought 'at least now my mum will have to drive me to school, that means no more public transport, who hoo!' 

Pit sweat guy went on to choke to death while trying to pronounce everything in this story.

So it was pretty much happy endings all around. Awww. 

Weaving the Best Day of my Life - The absence of silence

Have you guys heard of those needles that are used for knitting? 'Knitting needles' I think they're called. They're like needle in nature and design and when used correctly (or as intended by their inventor, patent owner, manufacturer, distributor, retailer, purchaser, and the inventer, patent holder, manufacturer, distributor, retailer and purchaser of wool, yarn, thread, sheep and other products that exist solely to be aid the use of these needle in nature products) then they are used for knitting. As in like for sweaters, socks, onesies, napsacks, scarves, coffee cozies, tree cozies, tootsie cozies, muffler cozies, cozies double cozies, and Eskimo, 'wow it's warm out today, comparative to normal that is, so only a hundred or so below freezing, depending on whether we're in metric or imperial, are we in the U.S or Canada? I can never remember. Anyway, might not wear the walrus carcass today, hand me a 100 woolen knitted things instead'. You know needles for knitting? Yeah I'm pretty sure they're called 'knitting needles'. Did I say that already?

Well this blog is nothing like those at all. Because, and I don't know if you know this, but the 'k' in 'knitting' is silent, which is stupid, and I don't do stupid. Plus if I talk about knitting needles any longer I'll end up making a crude backyard abortion joke, which may upset some people, you know cause some people can't afford houses with backyards, and socioeconomic disparity is no laughing matter.

The point is it's really warm and muggy here in Sydney, which is a whether pattern I enjoy, cause I do not even need to contemplate knit ware, which makes today the best day of my life.

'Knit ware', by the way, if you don't know, is 'ware' that's been 'knitted'. It's made with something that's a kind of needle, that are made for something called 'knitting'. I think they may be called 'knitting needles'.....

Lessons from a long journey

The journey being the long one I took from La to Sydney in the past 24 hours, and the lessons being these points I list now:

- Virgin Australia mastered how to take someone's long held customer loyalty and shove it up their arss
- 'lots of venom' - hopefully how the teenagers who were all on the same sport team on the plane play their indeterminate sport or else all their hoodies are liars
- one immensely delightful staff member at Delta doesn't make up for one dispicabley rude staff member at Delta
- when you're running late the word 'Indy' sounds like 'Sydney' and can make people going to Indianapolis miss their flight
- if your job is to go and find people going to Indianapolis and in danger of missing their flight and instead you yell out 'anyone going to Indy come with me' - you're probably bad at your job
- don't get the chicken on Delta flights
- teenagers are way less self conscious than me about making others stand up so they can pee
- teenagers probably have healthier kidneys than me
- old Asian guy next to me forgot to hit pause and missed the end of his movie and found it so hilarious he had to get my attention - we should all learn a lesson from that
- I can burst from a nightmare extravagantly and have no one notice
- having one really drippy nostril and one totally dry is weird
- bursting from a nightmare with a drippy nostril is messy
- a white sweater doesn't look good with yellow snot stains
- when the white sweater was a Xmas present that you really like, getting yellow snot on it isn't joyful
- 'give me the whole can you bitch' is something I would never say
- sometimes things I would never say are things I'd occasionally think, especially when I didn't get a mere whole freaking can
- I mean seriously, other people got full cans
- stupid delta
- it's all virgins fault
- I'm far too tired to edit this into something as coherent and poetic as my average post
- It's all Virgin's fault

The flight of the Canaries

I haven't blogged in ages. Mostly because I have been busy; and yet also because I haven't gotten around to it because of busyness. However something happened this week that was just too dramatic to NOT blog about it. 

I flew from Los Angeles to Sydney, and let's just say it was a roller-coaster. 

Here are the high/low-lights. All times in are Los Angeles mean ordinary time. Los Angeles being the place where I began…. But would I remain there….. Stay tuned….

-       9: 30 pm – Boarding

-       9: 45 pm – Take off

-       9: 49 pm – I fell asleep

-       5: 27 am – I wake up and go for a bathroom break, and make a shocking discovery - my hair is looking particularly cool, and I mean PARTICULARLY, I really don’t know to deal with this.

-       10:17 am - Hair not looking great, but it has potential.

-       10: 39 am - I feel like a soda, and think ‘they should put Walgreens on planes!’ Oh man, inside jokes when I am alone bring me so much joy. You have no idea how hard you would be laughing right now if you were on the inside.

-       10: 49 am - Staff announced they are about to commence breakfast service and then gave estimated arrival time in 'um, um ..... Sydney!' Should I be worried they're not sure where we're going? The fear of being on a plane possibly heading ‘anywhere’ makes me realize something drastic – it’s been ages since I checked my hair.

-       11:12 am - Bathroom has been occupied for ages, still don’t how my hair is? What if it’s back to being cool, or even being PARTICULARLY cool? And if it is, how do I deal with that?

-       11: 44 am - Back in bathroom, hair looks great, phew. Yet not ‘particularly cool’. Was it only to be but a brief moment in time? And if it was, how do I deal with that?

-       12: 10 pm - Kid next to me is picking his nose, that bastard! He's stealing my move!!!!!

-       12: 12 pm - Guy in front of me is watching a movie featuring topless girls; you can show that on a plane now? I must admit rather than being turned on, it made me think about the kid wiping his booger on her boob. Man the kids today. Gross.

-       12:27 pm - I don't think I'll need to pee again before we land; now I have no excuse to check my hair!!!! Oh no, it may be up to forty minutes before I get to check my hair again, how do I deal with that?

I know it’s hard to believe, but this was all a true story.

Bouncers get a bad reputation

But maybe their job is harder than it looks