Monday, March 8, 2010

Things I have learned recently

The lovely Lynx234 asked me if I have learned anything recently and the answer is surprisingly lots, its been an eye opening few weeks for me!

Things I have learned recently:

If you mix vodka, rum, tequila, absinthe, beer, jagermeister, Kahlua, gin, with a splash of diet orange sunkist in a industrial sized crash can then drink it down in one giant chug you're probably not a broke tee-tolling narc who works for a napkin factory

Getting drunk in bars while frowning and burying your face in a book which you won't remember anyway because your clearly on your way to black out drunkenness is not a good way to find a sponsor for your new happiness seminar

If you tip good early your jager-bombs end up being fuck full of awesome jager

If you try to write jokes while drunk and alone in a bar there is an outside chance some of your attitude, demeanor, emotional state and situational activities may bleed into your work

Throwing darts at squirrels in the park rarely gets you free underpants

Literally chewing the teeth out of the girl your making out with does not guarantee a toothless blow job later that night

Eating live green tree frogs until you spew frog parts all over a well manicured lawn is not what environmentalists mean when they say you should be more green

The song 'happiness is a warm gun' by the Beatles doesn't work in practice if you interpret "a warm gun" to mean a gun which has just blown the love of your life's brains all over the your bedroom wall and "happiness" to mean not lying on the floor in the fetal position crying your drug addicted eyes out

Whispering 'sweet nothings' into your lovers ears works way less if you literally just say the words 'sweet' and 'nothing' and if by 'lover' you mean some random girl in the bar you want to fuck but can't be bothered making conversation with

Wanting something for all the wrong reasons (sex) even though you genuinely want that thing (sex) although not necessarily for only the (normal) reasons (orgasms) you say is not a guaranteed (hookers) outcome (fantasy) no matter how much you fantasize (think about it while masturbating) about it.

Getting so drunk you'd stick your dick in just about anything is NOT a good way to get laid (insert your own commentary on the outcome of writing this while drunk somewhere around here, I am not sure why I am choosing not to edit as I type, but hey, yay, and all that awesomenessous)

If you're a really, really, ridiculously unbelievably fucking breath vacuuming deliciously attractively beautiful girl you probably won't come up to me randomly on the street and beg me to make love to you

If you have massive boobs in contrast to your tiny body and they are natural you probably won't randomly offer to let me feel them for proof

If you have a tiny body and matching small boobs (very much as gorgeous in my eyes) you STILL probably wont randomly offer to let me feel for proof of realism

If you try to write these things while surrounded by cute girls who clearly aren't noticing your awesomenessous and are often with other (worse) guys instead your horniness and bitterness will not come out in your work in anyway at all

A drawing I want to do - me in a room surrounded by boobs and with a thought bubble saying (I wish I had something to inspire me). Anyone want to model for me

(The weird thing is this in my mind last night this was GENIUS)

If you desire being the center of attention then sitting quietly and shyly alone with your face contorted in a frown then you MAY be failing in achieving your goals

Being really really good in the third best team in your schools under 11 age category does not guarantee that you'll one day be a rock star - WTF!!!! Hell NO!

Golf clubs don't make good dildoes yet dead midgit neck bones are, I know, I'm shocked too!

Over-tipping is an exceptional waste of money when it is clear from the ol' get go that the waitress would never ever fuck you

Horniness and girls in your vicinity are NOT as easy to mix as peanut butter and bread, fucking nut allergies

(Seriously, I thought this was GENIUS)

Stab me in the bum hole shame on you, stab me in the penis hole shame on me. Wait, wait wait, no no no, fuck you, you penis hole widening bastard

Love (in my experience) is more likely to lead to misery than happiness, aww I know, what a lot of trees have been wasted for self help books

If you send a girl roses you're not romantic you're cliche, yet girls will still fuck you for it = proof girls suck, irony? Hell yeah!

(GENIUS! I thought)

Death isn't evidence that you really lived yet rape is! Finally proof rape has some impact on the victims

(Seriously Dave you thought THAT was good, how?)

If you actively pursue someone already in a relationship you are NOT automatically raped in the ass by a poltergeist, proof karma is as real as funny jokes about rape

(oh no these are getting worse and worse)

Couples suck (when you're alone and lonely) yet the pasta served at bars is often not as it tends to be in multi-generationally owned restaurants in small Italian villages, at least glass rarely fails to do as promised

If you're randomly at a post Oscar party despite never writing something actually eligible to win an award (unlike this post for NEXT years Oscars, Hell Yeah!) the girls in the room probably won't get so horny at your very presence that they'll get so wet you'll be able to watch it dribble down their legs (where probably = definitely, and me = fucked in the head)

Fucking a girl in the ass is still more likely to get a girl herpes than pregnant, yet few will still offer you access to their ass

Having an anal fixation does NOT make girls magically appear in front of you and hand you a tube of lube as much as being George Clooney would make girls do that highly unlikely thing

Just because you want to fuck someone doesn't mean you get to (unless you're an attractive girl) in which case fuck you (pun intended)

Being too lazy to write "The Academy Awards" instead of "Oscars" is no excuse for these desperate sexual 'jokes'

So in answer to the question, yes I have learned two things lately -

I am an alcoholic and
I am in need of some lady love

I will be answering the next one sober :)