Sunday, January 4, 2015

The most awesome day of my time on earth - flat thumbed

You know what's bothering me today? It's how come the phrase -'corn holed as a scrounge harp' Never took off?

I coined that days ago, dropped it in conversation a couple of times, and I'm sure anyone who heard it would have began using it instantly and regularly, add word of mouth, eavesdropping and social media and this thing should have circumnavigated the world by now. 

I mean it's got so many uses: 

- get stuck in traffic 'oh man, I've been corn holed as a scrounge harp!'
- get asked out on a date by a beautiful stranger 'why golly, if that doesn't corn hole me like a scrounge harp'.
- turn on the radio and find your favorite song playing, however it's already half over, but you like the second half better, but that's because of the crescendo, which loses its impact if you don't hear it build up from humbler beginnings 'hmm, I think I've been corn holed in the scrounge harp'. 
- hit your thumb with a hammer 'motherfucking corn holed fucking scrounge harp!!'

Of course if you're going around hitting your thumbs with hammers then you've got issues, other than your lack of awesomely useful phrases, I mean be careful people, how are you going to give people the thumbs up if your thumbs are all flat? People will be all like 'did he just give me a flat thumbed thumbs up, that totally corn holes me just like a scrounge harp' cancel that random gift of a million dollars I planned to give him. 

Still, this awesome phrase has yet to enter the zeitgeist, and if it hasn't yet I can only assume it may not happen till tomorrow. Or even worse may not even happen like at all! 

I think the lesson here is clear - obviously the era of people copying and following and being unoriginal, is over! From now on everyone plans to coin there own cool new and endlessly useful phrases. Wow, that's actually really cool! That would mean the worlds about to get more interesting than ever before, we're going to be literally drowning in awesome new phrases - yes literally!!

Yay, that definitely makes today easily the best day of my life! Why I'd almost go as far as to say that I feel... Gumption end britches over the fing smile! 


The Finest Day of My existence experiment – the dip situation

You know that situation people sometimes find themselves in when they’re on their sofa, like sitting, lying, lounging, or some other position of comfort, and they’re also watching their television that’s positioned conveniently in front of that very same sofa? It’s awesome isn’t it? It’s intensely tremendous even!

I mean think of these facts that we have now established:

-       This person owns at least one piece of furniture.
-       This person owns a television.
-       They have figured out a harmonious spatial relationship between the sofa, the television and possibly even taken into account light sources, the forgotten source.
-       I mean because I could not have referred to their relativity to each other as being ‘convenient’ if the person in this scenario was squinting due to light shining in his/her eyes, or some other form of light interference that said person found inconvenient.
-       So yeah we can totally lose those words ‘possibly even’. This person has absolutely figured out, dealt with, and taken care of business with any light source issues.
-       And if they have done that, then I think it is only natural for us to next be able to conclude that this person has well and truly figured out what they like BBQ sauce on, because this is a man/ woman who understands ‘sauces’, and if they have that under control then I think we can safely determine they are all over the dip situation. Something that goes hand in hand with a variety of snacks to dip deep down within that dip.
-       And they are comfortable, that was stated early on in this piece.
-       And you ain’t comfortable if you are dealing with any sort of physical, emotional or spiritual discomfort.
-       That means this person is almost certainly free of any major skeletal dilapidation, psychological pandemic, or even hereafter skepticism.
-       This person’s life sounds pretty damn wonderful.
-       And we haven’t even gotten to what is on the TV.
-       Which is probably something entertaining, or they’d change the channel, which is an action they were probably not on the midst of seeing as the position of sitting, lying or lounging we know them to be doing.          

Well my day today was sort of like this persons. So I’m gonna jump right out on a limb, wait a moment or two to make sure said limb has no structural weakness which may result in a breakage in any imminent amount of time, and then pronounce confidently and proudly, that today was the best of my life.