Best Accidental Fulfillment

 He's reliable like a swan. He's generous like a Swiss watch. He's handsome like a monkey climbs a tree.

I'm trying to mix classic compliments to turn them into all new insults. I'm not sure why, I thought it might be fun. It hasn't turned out that way but it might have under different circumstances.

Wait, there's a lesson there, just cause something doesn't work out exactly as planned doesn't mean that it was a failure damn it, or that it should be abandoned or forgotten. How dare you think that?

I mean think of houses. Do you know that the first house ever had a leaky roof and faulty wiring? If people back then, in the 1820s, had have looked at this crappy house and said 'let's abandoned and forgotten this piece of shit' we'd all be living in our cars now. And those aren’t that comfortable to sleep in. Unless you get the entire back seat to yourself. But if you lived in your car the back seat would probably be turned into your kitchen, or living room and you can’t sleep in your kitchen or living room, unless your young and have gotten drunk on mouthwash, and if you’re in your car with excellent breath then you should be in the front seat where you can smile at hitchhikers damn it.

But people didn’t give up on houses, thankfully, and now a full 95 years later, we instead all live houses, and only 22% of those have leaky roofs. And thank god for that. Plus most of the faulty wiring doesn’t matter so much because of WiFi.

Although, now that I think about it, all of us living in cars would have been fine too, it'd be like the entire world was on one super epic road trip, and those are super fun. I totally didn’t mean to get to this on todays blog.

Wait, wait, wait.

Ok, so I started writing a whole different blog this morning. I woke up with some lovely coincidences. I was having a horrific nightmare, woke up from it suddenly and dramatically, right then my alarm went off, and then right then the hotel ran a practice fire alarm test. It was like the world was in sync. So I was going to write about that today. But then as I went to write it tonight I was like ‘blah, the rest of the day didn’t go that way’ so I just started writing with no plan and figured I would see where I ended up. And I ended up on road trips, and it just so happened I have a video about one of those that I just posted today, I had no intention of talking about. But here we are. We’re in sync mother fuckers!!!!

Boom.

It was the best day of my life everyone. I am an Adelaide Fringe Rock Star. I’m awesome like people wanna be a better man.

Boom.

Here is a road trip:

I am king of the roofs

'Your exhibiting some particularly bizarre behavior recently' she said
'Thank you, I was hoping you'd notice' I replied

We were on the roof at the time doing some roofing, because we don't practice on the ground, no siree, we're not that kind of couple, when we want to ride moose like they were donkeys, we ride moose like they were donkeys, when we want to invent an alcoholic shot called a 'coconut corner face leaf' we don't just do it, we make them the number one alcoholic shot on earth, and if you've never heard of them that's just because you've had so many of them that you don't remember the past eight years of your life. We call it roofing out. And it happens to us all at some point. Even to teetotalers, and those guys are pussys, until you spike their coffee with a 'coconut corner face leaf', and so clearly if we want to roof, you better believe we go straight to the roof!

I don't remember why exactly we wanted to go roofing. Since the 'coconut corner face leaf' took off we've been so rich we live in buildings so extravagant they no longer even have roofs. Don't worry, it's not your lack of eight years of memory causing you to not know about the 'roofless living extravaganza lovfrest sheds', you have to be a world famous alcoholic shot inventor to be invited to even tour the premises, and you have to pay for your own subway token. 'Subway’ of course being the 'ironic' name we use for 'moose ride'. Ha ha, and you can't buy a moose ride, you have to earn a moose's respect with inventing skills, everyone knows that. Ha ha,

I won't bore you with information on what we use instead of roofs, which is lucky because what we use for roofs is so interesting it could never bore anyone, in fact it’s so interesting it could make a sloth dance for a slipper sole, which is ironic because sloths don't wear slippers, and also because we use stretched sloth scrotums for roofs even though they are so weak that once stretched they barely can keep out a drop of rain, let alone the storm of sloth feces hurled at us daily by angry moose. ‘It’s all about living dangerously’ said my neighbor Bill, and he knows a thing or two about that, he invented the alcoholic shot known as the ‘cocksucking cowboy’ and you better believe he is a guy that does research before naming an alcoholic shot.

Yep times have been good. Or so I believed. Until my lover told me that she thought I'd been behaving bizarrely recently while we were roofing, now times aren't good, they are magnificent, my lover has finally noticed I'm not the boring guy I always assumed she thought I was.

I'm not going to lie, even I have doubted my levels of interestingness, I mean I've never even seen a bat vomit candle wax on a sunken submarine, so how dare I consider myself interesting? I mean what kind of boring psycho hasn't seen that? Sure I could see a bat vomit candle wax on a sunken submarine if I simply swallowed my pride and finally gave a nice tip to my local straw deliverer, but I refuse because his straw is always pre-licked by bats and I prefer my straw pre-licked by animals that can see for fuck sake, what do you think I am? A fucking roofer?

Oh right, THAT is why we went roofing. I remember now. My lover was chewing on a string of straw that had been pre-licked by a bat, just to mock me, and I realized that she was just another opportunist trying to take advantage of my flawed levels of normality. ‘Fuck this, let’s go roofing! I cried. I wanted to prove to her once and for all just how interesting I can be. But why should I? Her commentary of ‘your exhibiting some particularly bizarre behavior recently' in hindsight was clearly sarcasm. I hate sarcasm. Just be real, and honest to the core, like ME for god’s sake. 

Why can’t you love me just the way I am, boring and all? You know what lady lover, screw you, I’m blowing this pop stand, and I am telling the moose that I invented the ‘coconut corner face leaf’ all by myself, so enjoy WALKING back to our 'roofless living extravaganza lovfrest shed', and if you want to make love tonight then fine, but we’re only doing it in twelve positions maximum! I am not making special efforts to be interesting for you anymore!