Reanimated Robot Spider Corpses are a REAL thing!

Reanimated Robot Spider Corpses are a REAL thing! 

And what it means for you!

Science has done some great things in its brief history.

Consider these amazing things we would not have without science…

• The name “the sun”, for what previously was just “that big f’n hot yellow gas ball dealy”. Brilliant name. Simple. To the point.

• Medicines — but not just those — the idea to put the medicine in a tube, then attach a hollow needle to that and then use that to penetrate your skin and go right into your blood stream and/ or ass? Imagine that never existed. Now try to invent it yourself. You can’t. You’d be laughed right out of here, or worse, thrown out on your ass “there try sticking a needle in it now you phycho”

• Underpants that wick away sweat for gods sake — WICK it away! Someone had to both think of that AND make it! And just thinking of the word Wick is beyond most of us feeble minded folk, lets alone making something wick. And they did that and then put it in our underpants — genius!

So if your like me your constantly in anticipation of what science is going to do next.

So I know what you’re thinking…

"I hope I live long enough to reach the point where scientists have solved so many of the world’s ills that they have time to reanimate dead spiders and turn them into robots…"

Well fear not, if you’re reading this you HAVE lived that long! Congratulations!

Although you may not want to be alive anymore, because scientists are reanimating fucking spiders.

As bonkers as this clearly is. This is completely real, actually true and even totally factual.

https://www.npr.org/2023/10/18/1198908301/necrobotics-reanimating-spiders-ig-nobel-prize

No seriously.

Consider these fun spider facts:

• They are icky

• Some of them are deadly, especially if they bite you, or if you see one near a busy highway so naturally jump into traffic to get away from it.

• When they walk on you they do it with too many damn foots! Way too many foots.

• Just reading about this invention makes my skin crawl so much I’m destined to spend most nights this month waking up every couple of hours to fumigate my entire home.

• There are already way too many of them, so we sure as heck don’t fucking need dead robot ones too!

According to NPR the scientist in question here came up with the idea when noticing dead spiders in her lab dead, upside down with legs curled up, that were dead and thought “hmmm I bet I can do something with that, maybe make them less dead”.

Which begs several questions such as:

• Why were so many spiders even in her lab?

• Why were so many spiders DYING in her lab, I mean what else is she working on in there?

• Why upon finding out there were spiders in her lab didn’t she take a fucking flame thrower to them?

The answer to these questions means one of the following is true…

• Science labs are specifically designed as sterile environments to stop any contamination and even keep shit as small as Bactria from getting in or out, but spiders are getting so sneaky that they can f’n sneak in? That means spiders can probably now get in ANYWHERE!

• Or else said scientist must be working on something WITH dang spiders, and we already know she’s nuts, so the first thing she was doing with them, before trying to turn them into tiny deadly frankenspiders, was probably terrifying also.

• Or Scientists have forgotten how to make flame throwers!

At least one of these is true and they are all TERRIFYING!

It story also raises one other little question?

What the fuck would you use a robot corpse spider for?

The answer is apparently is that they could be used to “pick up fragile materials like wires and even other spiders”

OTHER Spiders.

OTHER SPIDERS!

Let’s just be real for a second…

• We already have things that can pick shit like other spiders up you stupid scientists. They are called vacuum cleaners.

• Any time I have ever seen a spider carry something’s it’s never been sometime useful.

• Why, because I’ve never seen a fucking spider carry ANYTHING — you’re thinking of ANTS dumbnuts.

So let’s be real — they are using robot spiders to collect other dead spiders to turn into more robot spiders.

The logical conclusion therefore is that there is ZERO chance that these scientists are not building a dead reanimated robot spider army.

I have one more question to ask:

How the hell did we as a society, addicted to our phones, doom scrolling, and conspiracy chasing, miss the fact that dead robot spiders are a real thing?

This should be the answer to any doubt over anything — do you think UFOS could be real? Did they fake the moon landing? Are half our politicians actually monkeys in skin suits? Is God real and currently vacationing as the black banana that’s still on your bench because hell even though you never have made banana bread, you might one day? Are the other half of our politicians’ aliens in monkey suits wearing skin suits? Should I get myself one of these skin suits?

Answer to these and all other questions is: Well reanimated dead spider robots are real, so I guess anything is possible.

Yet this story came out years ago and barely made a splash, caused no executive orders to be signed, and didn’t even lead to an increase in spider squishing ready footwear.

                                                                        Dead Spider Art

In conclusions

• God damn it, I hate spiders.

• 
  

• Please note, on the several articles I just read about this thing, not one of them mentions taking out any poison or venom out of the spiders before they drive them out into the public.

• 
  

• Remote control reanimated spider corpse racing is almost certainly coming to your local sports betting App soon — I say don’t bet on the daddy long legs, they look like they can run, but those things will lose at least one leg per lap.

• 
  

• If you are worried about things that might ruin everything about the world then there is a chance some scientist already invented it.

• 
  

• If you own something you can’t pick up without a reanimated dead spider robot to do it, do you really NEED it picked up?

So what’s next — use of reanimated giraffe corpses necks to use as pool noodles? Use of reanimated jelly fish corpses to use as um — floating goo?

The answer is clearly — yes.

Science is great.

Ps. Sorry for the blasphemy vacationing black banana god — I hope you make a delicious bread.

Can I get a reanimation too please 

The inevitable future

The light alighted above her head. She could feel the glow. But she did not take a look right away. She needed to steel herself first. It's not that she had not done the work. Diets. Gym. Tanning. Fashion. She'd done them all over the years. For this. In search of this moment. And here it was.

She took a deep breath. Closed her eyes. Turned her head upward and slowly let her eyelids pry open. 

It WAS true.

The light was green.

This was the moment. Seventeen years since the invention of the technology. Fourteen years since the scanners were put on every human. Dozens of incidences of seeing others have their lights turns green. And now it was HER time.

This was HER scientifically judged, proven and registered most attractive minute of her life. This was a fact. She'd never looked as good. She'd never look as good again. This was her peak. Her beautiful summit of beauty. 

She smiled. Taking it in. Feeling the glow. Feeling excited. Feeling gorgeous. Feeling on top of the world! 

She closed her eyes again. And smiled. Briefly. She opened them again and looked into the mirror. Her smile beamed. Her teeth soaked in the green light. And she made sure she enjoyed every second of this. 

However, just as she thought life could never be this good again, as her smiled stretched wider than it had ever been before, the pressure on her cheek skin slightly tinged a pore or two, and the light turned back off. Never to aluminate again. 

She turned around. Paused for a moment. Then reached for some toilet paper to finish wiping. Then pulled up her pants and walked towards a dark unknown.

Stop the soup bigotry

Let's face it, you're currently thinking about eating soup. Whether it's because you're in the Southern Hemisphere and, like me, you are freezing your ass off in winter, or whether you're in the warmth of the northern hemisphere summer and you want soup because you casually said to someone recently 'I'm sort of in the mood for soup' and they responded 'really, that's more of a winter meal' and you replied 'STOP BEING SO DIETARY SEASONALLY PREJUDICED, YOU MOTHERFUCKER' and now you're about to eat soup just to stick it in their fucking bigoted faces. Either way, I don't think you should risk it, not at least until you have watched this video...

 

Amazing Developments

One of the great things about being me, and doing what I do, is that amazing opportunities regularly float to me like a balloon in the wind, kid crying because his balloon is gone and all. But sometimes the balloon ends up being a different type of balloon than I was expecting, sometimes it isn't even a balloon at all, but instead it's an opportunity.

I was recently contacted by the world renown scientific organization The Society of Sciency Stuff. Obviously they need no introduction, we've all read their Nobel Prize winning research papers, and who among us doesn't spend at least an hour a day pondering just how they figured out that Black Holes may not be holes at all?? Truely marvelous stuff. And now is where the marvelous turns into the marvtacular (a word The Society of Sciency Stuff discovered!) because they sent me the following letter:



Dear Mr Tieck,

My name is Norman Farleigh, and I am the current Head of Brilliance at The Society Of Sciency Stuff. I'm sure you know who we are, EVERYONE does, but you may not know this, we also know who you are, in fact we are all MASSIVE fans of yours, and we're scientists so we know just how big 'massive' really is.

Now is where things get even more Marvelriffic (our new discovery that we're releasing to the world for the first time with THIS letter to you, congrats). We've all been consumed with love for all your books, devoured your blogs, been moved by your art and poetry, and we've collectively come to a consensus (something that actually comes easy to us, because as scientists we deal exclusively in facts) at our wonderful society we have sixteen members with Nobel Prizes, and twenty two members with, in our opinion, the equally prestigious 'Smart Things, Science and Math and Things Like That Awards'. But having broken down all of your wonderful work, and especially some of your recent scientific insight, we've made yet another amazing discovery (admittedly discovering stuff is something we do almost every day and truly excel at, but this is a particularly amazing one) we've discovered that hidden within the humor and beauty, that seemingly pours out of you both prolifically and consistently brilliantly, you also have a brilliant scientific mind. In fact probably the hundred best scientific minds in the universe are in our organization, and we think you out Science everyone of us. You truly are marveltastic.

Oh fuck, guys, guys, guys get in here, I just discovered ANOTHER ONE! Shit I left the voice dictation on.

We have an offer for you, one that we are all hoping, and even praying (something we only do when we super care about something, or occasionally while watching sports) that you'll take, we'd like to make a series of high budget, brilliantly executed videos to show off some of your scientific knowledge. Please say yes and we'll fly you to a super fancy film studio and give you vast sums of money.

Yours Faithfully,
Norman Fairleigh
Head of Brilliance
The Society of Sciency Stuff

Margaret! Can you come in here, I've finished, how do I send this thing? Also I'm still waiting for that fucking apple cider I asked for, shit I think the voice thing is still on, this technology really is Marvacinating, oh holy hell ANOTHER ONE, Norman Fairleigh, stand up you brilliant bastard, you're a discovery motherfucking MACHINE!!!!!

 

Wow. You get an offer like that you jump on it. So here is not one, but TWO  exciting episode of my new show, as produced by the magnificent people at the world renowned The Society of Sciency Stuff, ladies and gentleman - You've Been Scienced!

Hot new trend alert

I don't know about all of you, but I love Science. Science has facts, lighting things on fire and sometimes even things made out of material so unstable that you can't hold it without wearing gloves! That's not just bad ass, but a perfect metaphor for how I feel about gnats. 

Here's the thing though, when I like something it always ends up becoming super popular and everyone loves it. It's my gift and my curse. This means science is about to become so popular that you soon won't be able to turn a corner without being blasted in the face with a heavy load of pure science. 

I recommend you all jump in as fast as possible, to get in front of the trend, and be a trend setter rather than a trend follower, and trust me setting things is way more bad ass than following things. Consider these two scenarios:

1. A creepy guy wearing really loose pants, and with barbecue sauce in his beard, is staring at you on the bus, then gets off at your stop, follows you home and shits in your mail box.

2. You're on the bus and a sexy stranger sets you up with their even sexier friend.

NOW which is better, setting or following? Yep, exactly. 

So go out and set people. 

And now signs that the science fad has taken over and if your not part of it already you're just a filthy follower:

- Bars are selling cocktails in beakers.

- Buy eight or more muffins, get a free microscope.

- People are wearing white lab coats to orgies. 

- There's a movie of the week where an orphan is sad because his girlfriend has died in an acid explosion at the lab. 

- Later those same orgy people, now with gonorrhoea, say 'it feels like a Bunsen Burner when I pee. 

- Your local super market will often be sold out of dry ice. 

- When you ask someone if they want to go to a party with you they'll respond with 'do scientists dominate the local social scene?' And you'll know that means 'yes'. 

Literally a slice to my balls

There was a story in the paper yesterday that some wonderful wonderful scientists may have invented a new perfectly workable male contraceptive pill. Hooray!

Fun facts about scientists:

- If chicks found them fascinating and totally bangable we'd have things like male pills and cures to STDs way faster.
- Some of them are really smart.
- Some of them once invented a machine that does stuff it's supposed to do, so that's really cool.

Now I for one am very excited about a possible male pill. Some people (women) think that men can't be trusted to take the pill but this is ignoring the reality that all men would swallow a small mule every morning if it meant three times in their life they could have sex without a condom. Especially if those three times did not result in children. But lets face it we'd swallow a pill out of a mules ass, even if it did nothing but allow us sex without a condom three times, you know as long as we could sneak a morning after pill into her drink the following mornings.

Fun facts about sex:
- For men, it's way way better without a condom.
- Way way better.

Here are some fun facts about me:
- I never want to have kids.
- I don't like it when strangers come up to me and say "you look like my cousin Bill, he's so smelly".
- I've spent lots of time thinking about letting a doctor slice open my scrotum with a scalpel and cut out something then use a needle to stitch my scrotum back up.
- I love cats.
- I've never had regular sex or anything close to it in my life so the slice my scrotum dealy seems excessive for now.
- I have a bit of cash and a tiny tiny bit of fame but plan to increase both substantially one day, only I panic that if I do some lady may purposely try to get pregnant to me. I also fear I will sleepwalk off my balcony, that I'll die in a car crash and that one day I'll be nicknamed Bill. I don't want to be nicknamed after a stinky dude.

So I still may do the slicey slicey one day. Soon even. The problem is, consider these fun facts about vasectomies:
- They really do cut open your scrotum with a scalpel.
- You're fucking awake when they do it.
- When you start researching this you inevitably get sent to the surprisingly ample catalogue of pictures of vasectomies gone horribly horribly wrong.
- This is far more terrifying than anything you have ever seen or ever will see in your life.
- They do it while you're awake, that's freaking madness!

So come on scientists, get this shit happening as fast as humanly possible. If you don't I'll totally make you eat a small mule, or worse, I'll nickname you bill!