Reanimated Robot Spider Corpses are a REAL thing!
And what it means for you!
Science has done some great things in its brief history.
Consider these amazing things we would not have without science…
The name “the sun”, for what previously was just “that big f’n hot yellow gas ball dealy”. Brilliant name. Simple. To the point.
Medicines — but not just those — the idea to put the medicine in a tube, then attach a hollow needle to that and then use that to penetrate your skin and go right into your blood stream and/ or ass? Imagine that never existed. Now try to invent it yourself. You can’t. You’d be laughed right out of here, or worse, thrown out on your ass “there try sticking a needle in it now you phycho”
Underpants that wick away sweat for gods sake — WICK it away! Someone had to both think of that AND make it! And just thinking of the word Wick is beyond most of us feeble minded folk, lets alone making something wick. And they did that and then put it in our underpants — genius!
So if your like me your constantly in anticipation of what science is going to do next.
So I know what you’re thinking…
"I hope I live long enough to reach the point where scientists have solved so many of the world’s ills that they have time to reanimate dead spiders and turn them into robots…"
Well fear not, if you’re reading this you HAVE lived that long! Congratulations!
Although you may not want to be alive anymore, because scientists are reanimating fucking spiders.
As bonkers as this clearly is. This is completely real, actually true and even totally factual.
https://www.npr.org/2023/10/18/1198908301/necrobotics-reanimating-spiders-ig-nobel-prize
No seriously.
Consider these fun spider facts:
They are icky
Some of them are deadly, especially if they bite you, or if you see one near a busy highway so naturally jump into traffic to get away from it.
When they walk on you they do it with too many damn foots! Way too many foots.
Just reading about this invention makes my skin crawl so much I’m destined to spend most nights this month waking up every couple of hours to fumigate my entire home.
There are already way too many of them, so we sure as heck don’t fucking need dead robot ones too!
According to NPR the scientist in question here came up with the idea when noticing dead spiders in her lab dead, upside down with legs curled up, that were dead and thought “hmmm I bet I can do something with that, maybe make them less dead”.
Which begs several questions such as:
Why were so many spiders even in her lab?
Why were so many spiders DYING in her lab, I mean what else is she working on in there?
Why upon finding out there were spiders in her lab didn’t she take a fucking flame thrower to them?
The answer to these questions means one of the following is true…
Science labs are specifically designed as sterile environments to stop any contamination and even keep shit as small as Bactria from getting in or out, but spiders are getting so sneaky that they can f’n sneak in? That means spiders can probably now get in ANYWHERE!
Or else said scientist must be working on something WITH dang spiders, and we already know she’s nuts, so the first thing she was doing with them, before trying to turn them into tiny deadly frankenspiders, was probably terrifying also.
Or Scientists have forgotten how to make flame throwers!
At least one of these is true and they are all TERRIFYING!
It story also raises one other little question?
What the fuck would you use a robot corpse spider for?
The answer is apparently is that they could be used to “pick up fragile materials like wires and even other spiders”
OTHER Spiders.
OTHER SPIDERS!
Let’s just be real for a second…
We already have things that can pick shit like other spiders up you stupid scientists. They are called vacuum cleaners.
Any time I have ever seen a spider carry something’s it’s never been sometime useful.
Why, because I’ve never seen a fucking spider carry ANYTHING — you’re thinking of ANTS dumbnuts.
So let’s be real — they are using robot spiders to collect other dead spiders to turn into more robot spiders.
The logical conclusion therefore is that there is ZERO chance that these scientists are not building a dead reanimated robot spider army.
I have one more question to ask:
How the hell did we as a society, addicted to our phones, doom scrolling, and conspiracy chasing, miss the fact that dead robot spiders are a real thing?
This should be the answer to any doubt over anything — do you think UFOS could be real? Did they fake the moon landing? Are half our politicians actually monkeys in skin suits? Is God real and currently vacationing as the black banana that’s still on your bench because hell even though you never have made banana bread, you might one day? Are the other half of our politicians’ aliens in monkey suits wearing skin suits? Should I get myself one of these skin suits?
Answer to these and all other questions is: Well reanimated dead spider robots are real, so I guess anything is possible.
Yet this story came out years ago and barely made a splash, caused no executive orders to be signed, and didn’t even lead to an increase in spider squishing ready footwear.
In conclusions
God damn it, I hate spiders.
Please note, on the several articles I just read about this thing, not one of them mentions taking out any poison or venom out of the spiders before they drive them out into the public.
Remote control reanimated spider corpse racing is almost certainly coming to your local sports betting App soon — I say don’t bet on the daddy long legs, they look like they can run, but those things will lose at least one leg per lap.
If you are worried about things that might ruin everything about the world then there is a chance some scientist already invented it.
If you own something you can’t pick up without a reanimated dead spider robot to do it, do you really NEED it picked up?
So what’s next — use of reanimated giraffe corpses necks to use as pool noodles? Use of reanimated jelly fish corpses to use as um — floating goo?
The answer is clearly — yes.
Science is great.
Ps. Sorry for the blasphemy vacationing black banana god — I hope you make a delicious bread.
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