Monday, November 2, 2015

One in each

If you ask me, and you should, anytime you see a guy holding a wrench in one hand and a screwdriver in the other, marching steadfast and angrily towards a factory being overwhelmed by a grease fire, you can probably make at least three of these ten conclusions, possibly even four:

1. He was actually checking the tool box for a plunger, but he's not a guy who gives up a job just cause it's about to get dirty.
2. He's in the middle of an epic fight with an inside-out robot, and he's just got the upper hand! 
3. He's about to eat steak, and he's not concerned whether or not it's still in the cow. 
4. Beth in accounting has definitely been taking advantage of her petty cash privileges, but that petty cash box lock is about to get slightly tighter! 
5. Maybe this whole time we've had it wrong, and fire actually rules the world, and if that's true, as water drinkers, water floaters on, and water based internal and possibly external parts, humans are mere foot-soldiers of the rulers archenemy, and maybe, if the word 'maybe' appears this many times in one sentence then maybe that's awesome. 
6. Crime rates in New York City may have diminished in the past dozen years, but doesn't that just mean perhaps the criminals moved to Idaho, and that if you live there shouldn't you stop wearing your gold bars as sandals? 
8. If a man was lying in the middle of the road and said 'trust me, I like it here' and then you pick him up and carry him over to the sidewalk, and he says 'I will never trust you again' isn't he really the one with trust issues, and possibly 'choosing places to lie down' issues, and perhaps even dirty clothes issues? 
9. He's about to beat that fire black and blue. 
10. He wasn't paying attention at ALL on 'what to do in case of a grease fire' day at factory school. 

Which of the three, possibly even four conclusions you could make? I have no god damn idea. I sure as hell didn't say you should ask me that. 

So farm

I'd like one day for some one to say... 

'Dave, man that guys FARM, like he's not a farmer, I'm not saying that at all, I mean just look at him, his face is barely worn out and leathery, he's got  the build of someone who's never done a day of physical work in his life and even if he did he wouldn't ever look good, and I know he hates mornings like toucans hate beak rot, which is not like a death sentence for them, but does require lots of trips to their equivalent to a dentist, and normally that's some jungle monkey, and they're so unreliable, I saw the turn out at piranha dissection day, barely 78%, and you know some of those monkeys still passed, so I'm not saying that guys a farmer, I'm saying that guys FARM, he's valuable like a big patch of dirt, if people stood on him they'd totally wear hats, and like I could see tractor being on him one day, which would be badass, I mean it would be painful, but tractors have got to be one of the best one tonne or heavier vehicle or other mode of transportation devices, EVER to have on you, way better than say a naval destroyer, because then you'd have a whole pile of sailers saying things like 'you alright man', 'whoops', and possibly even 'woah, dang, that looks like it'd have hurt' and you don't want that, NO ONE would ever want that, who wants a tonne of attention right at the time you've just had a tonne or more of transportation device on you, with a tractor no one even notices you were under there because of the noise, plus you'd get to see what your arm would look like sticking out of a hay bale, you could even shake your OWN hand, I mean it would be an awkward hand shake, especially if  the hand that was removed was on the right arm, and now you no longer have a right hand to shake it, so you'd have to do one of those backwards left handed shakes, which no one likes, just don't shake, why do people feel they need to shake all the time, then again you'd get to tell people in the future that you lost your arm to a piranha attack at that a monkey puked when he found a finger in its belly at dissection class, and that's a badass story!' 

Yep, one day I want someone to say 'that guys FARM, having goals in life... yep just ace. 

If you ask me he'll achieve it too

Harry had always wanted to deregulate the beautician industry. 

He wasn't sure why.

But he was sure why he wasn't sure why, because:

- he wasn't a beautician 
- he didn't work in the beautician industry 
- he didn't know any beauticians 
- he wasn't interested in meeting any beauticians 
- he wasn't interested in learning about what beauticians do
- he thought the word 'beautician' sounded harsh and unpleasant
- like clinical and possibly even medical
- if it was medical he didn't want to get what ever disease you'd have to get to require getting beauticianed
- and how would they even inform you that you needed it?
- 'we've looked at your test results, do you have a will?'
- that just sounds horrible
- and he found horrible sounding things unpleasant 
- and feeling unpleasant fed into his bitter distaste of the apple picking 'for fun' movement.
- because it often involved whistling, humming, and other mouth noises occasionally associated with enjoyment
- which reminded him of the fact that as a small boy his father was whistling when he chopped down the tree that he had once coveted building a tree house in
- and in that tree house he was planning on one day cutting open the dead baby hawk that he had found behind the school playground 
- and was keeping fresh in the home freezer in a tuppaware labeled 'moms casserole'
- something no one wanted to eat
- because mom had run off with the paperboy seventeen years earlier 
- so this would have to be REALLY old casserole 
- plus it wasn't in there for the first sixteen years she was gone 
- so it might even be a tad moldy 
- plus the paper boy still delivered the paper with a daily wad of spit on the main headline 
- he was the one who stole a married women, why was he pissed off?
- and so now because of these fucking beauticians Harry didn't acquire tree house building skills, doesn't know what the inside of a baby hawk looks like, and associates even the happiest of news headlines with phlegm
- which is another word he finds harsh and unpleasant
- because it was a throat full of phlegm that kept him from picking apples for fun that one time
- meaning he had to get paid for it instead 
- a job he's now held for twelve years and finds mildly unpleasant in stormy weather 
- because when there's thunder he can't hear himself whistle 
- and also he didn't know what 'deregulation' means 

But 'at least I have a goal' he'd think. 

And isn't that really what life is all about?