There
are lots of mysteries man has longed sought an answer for that seem, up until
now, impossible to solve.
1.
Why was Stonehenge built and by whom?
2.
What’s the meaning of life?
3.
Why do people care about lawns?
4.
Why do girls prefer assholes to nice guys?
5.
How could you prefer dogs to cats?
6.
What’s the deal with fake fingernails?
7.
If you wash yourself in the shower then why do you need to ever wash your
towel?
8.
Why does Samsung, in their current ad campaign, think a guy saving a spot in
line for his parents, is a sign that their product is ‘cooler’ than their
competitors?
9.
Why are there so many idiots in the world?
Well
those are all easy to answer (and I will do so shortly) but there is one
question that even I thought that even I would never be able to answer. That is
of course – what kind of idiot would ever wear their pants super low around
their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable
and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?
So
I am in Taco Bell last week. I was busting for a urine break and decided to go
for fast food in hope of using their lavatory and figured that seeing as their
rule was that you had to purchase food before you could use their lavatory I
should order food, try and use the lavatory while waiting for it to be
prepared, and therefore eat with a clean and empty bladder.
Then
disaster struck, a man entered the lavatory just as I reached the door, and
stayed in there a long, long time. As I was dining alone, and did not trust
anyone to mind my food, and was too stupid to order it in a convenient to-go
bag, I decided to try and consume my food fast enough to escape a messy problem
in my pants.
As
I sat down to eat it became clear that my mission to consume my food in time
was going to come down to a simple math formula: time eating + time to get to
the toilet = how much time I have before I can pee = hopefully not so long as
before I MUST pee. It was genius, and realizing I was a genius I became
immediately satisfied that I would not be stupid enough to accidently pee my
pants after all, so relaxed into consuming my food, and decided to partake in a
wee bit of people watching, hoping for nothing but a minor distraction while
filling my belly hoping not to empty my bladder.
This
is when I noticed the man FINALLY come out of the men’s bathroom, only now he
had turned into a woman, well into a surprisingly passable transvestite. Now I
spot two men enter the restaurant, both wearing their pants super low around
their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable
and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking, and I
immediately looked at the transvestite, and back to the two gentlemen and
thought ‘I can understand why a man would want to dress as a woman but what
kind of an idiot would actually wear their pants super low around their thighs
exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid
looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?’
One
of these men now went right up to the transvestite and began hitting on her,
which surprised me a little. His friend meanwhile went and bought them food.
When his food was bagged he turned to his friend and said ‘let’s bounce’ and
then added a derogatory word than began with ‘n’. However this man didn’t want
to ‘bounce’ and he instead took a seat right next to me, from where he could
look at the transvestite from behind.
‘I
want to rape you’ he now said out loud at the transvestite, loud enough for the
entire restaurant to hear ‘yo girl, I am going to rape you’ he added.
Now
he turned to me and asked ‘are you a producer?’ I told him no, and tried to
really focus on eating so as to distract him from talking to me, and this made
him comment ‘yo, you look like a producer’.
He
now told me that he was Tupak’s son, that he was dressed specifically to avoid
the paparazzi, yelled a few more times that he planned on raping the
transsexual, told me he was bi-sexual so it was ok, and asked me to write him a
sweet movie, then left, and I finished my food with just enough time to make
the toilet!
Q:
What kind of idiot wears their pants super low around their thighs exposing
their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and
unsanitary and totally stupid looking?
A:
The kind of weirdo who helps you eat quick enough to avoid peeing your pants.
Mystery
SOLVED!
And
now to answer all the mysteries above:
1. As
a calendar, by idiots who didn’t care that the calendar didn’t yet matter as
they were not keeping records of what they did on a day-to-day basis
2. Trying
to avoid idiots
3. Because
long grass can make it hard to spot low lying idiots
4. Girls
need to pee a lot
5. Some
people are allergic
6. Some
girls want to look like transvestites in hope of attracting sons of dead
rappers who think it’s ok to exclaim a desire to rape a stranger out loud in a
fast food place
7. You
don’t
8. They’re
idiots
9. Because
not enough people pee at Taco Bell to answer life’s questions, those idiots
