Saturday, October 27, 2012

Finally one of the great mysteries of the world SOLVED

There are lots of mysteries man has longed sought an answer for that seem, up until now, impossible to solve.

1. Why was Stonehenge built and by whom?
2. What’s the meaning of life?
3. Why do people care about lawns?
4. Why do girls prefer assholes to nice guys?
5. How could you prefer dogs to cats?
6. What’s the deal with fake fingernails?
7. If you wash yourself in the shower then why do you need to ever wash your towel?
8. Why does Samsung, in their current ad campaign, think a guy saving a spot in line for his parents, is a sign that their product is ‘cooler’ than their competitors?
9. Why are there so many idiots in the world?

Well those are all easy to answer (and I will do so shortly) but there is one question that even I thought that even I would never be able to answer. That is of course – what kind of idiot would ever wear their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?

So I am in Taco Bell last week. I was busting for a urine break and decided to go for fast food in hope of using their lavatory and figured that seeing as their rule was that you had to purchase food before you could use their lavatory I should order food, try and use the lavatory while waiting for it to be prepared, and therefore eat with a clean and empty bladder.

Then disaster struck, a man entered the lavatory just as I reached the door, and stayed in there a long, long time. As I was dining alone, and did not trust anyone to mind my food, and was too stupid to order it in a convenient to-go bag, I decided to try and consume my food fast enough to escape a messy problem in my pants.

As I sat down to eat it became clear that my mission to consume my food in time was going to come down to a simple math formula: time eating + time to get to the toilet = how much time I have before I can pee = hopefully not so long as before I MUST pee. It was genius, and realizing I was a genius I became immediately satisfied that I would not be stupid enough to accidently pee my pants after all, so relaxed into consuming my food, and decided to partake in a wee bit of people watching, hoping for nothing but a minor distraction while filling my belly hoping not to empty my bladder.

This is when I noticed the man FINALLY come out of the men’s bathroom, only now he had turned into a woman, well into a surprisingly passable transvestite. Now I spot two men enter the restaurant, both wearing their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking, and I immediately looked at the transvestite, and back to the two gentlemen and thought ‘I can understand why a man would want to dress as a woman but what kind of an idiot would actually wear their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?’

One of these men now went right up to the transvestite and began hitting on her, which surprised me a little. His friend meanwhile went and bought them food. When his food was bagged he turned to his friend and said ‘let’s bounce’ and then added a derogatory word than began with ‘n’. However this man didn’t want to ‘bounce’ and he instead took a seat right next to me, from where he could look at the transvestite from behind.

‘I want to rape you’ he now said out loud at the transvestite, loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear ‘yo girl, I am going to rape you’ he added.

Now he turned to me and asked ‘are you a producer?’ I told him no, and tried to really focus on eating so as to distract him from talking to me, and this made him comment ‘yo, you look like a producer’.

He now told me that he was Tupak’s son, that he was dressed specifically to avoid the paparazzi, yelled a few more times that he planned on raping the transsexual, told me he was bi-sexual so it was ok, and asked me to write him a sweet movie, then left, and I finished my food with just enough time to make the toilet!

Q: What kind of idiot wears their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?

A: The kind of weirdo who helps you eat quick enough to avoid peeing your pants.

Mystery SOLVED!

And now to answer all the mysteries above:

1.     As a calendar, by idiots who didn’t care that the calendar didn’t yet matter as they were not keeping records of what they did on a day-to-day basis
2.    Trying to avoid idiots
3.   Because long grass can make it hard to spot low lying idiots
4.    Girls need to pee a lot
5.    Some people are allergic
6.    Some girls want to look like transvestites in hope of attracting sons of dead rappers who think it’s ok to exclaim a desire to rape a stranger out loud in a fast food place
7.    You don’t
8.   They’re idiots
9.    Because not enough people pee at Taco Bell to answer life’s questions, those idiots

Sunday, October 21, 2012

And now for some whining

I have a cold which is a way of saying that I am sick and my sickness is making me feel bad especially seeing as I have to get up early tomorrow and my Nyquil isn’t working fast enough and if I don’t get to sleep early then getting up early is going to make me feel bad and keep in mind that I ordered pizza for dinner and I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would which I think is because my head is all blocked up from my cold and this is the cold which is making me feel bad and yet I still have lots of left over pizza to eat in the future because I like to order so much that I am guaranteed left over which is why I ordered too much tonight but if I didn’t really enjoy the first run of the pizza then I probably won’t enjoy the left overs but also if I don’t eat them I will waste them and wasting food makes me feel bad as there are hungry people in the world which is a big political issue which reminds me of the election that is happening here in the united states of America which is where I am writing this from and which is the political thing that most people are talking about recently in this place I am writing this from and that is a political thing making some people angry and when people are angry then it makes me feel bad that they are angry and even though it is not me that they are angry at because I don’t even get a vote on the political issues in this country let alone a get enough of a say so as to polarize people because of the opinion of a position I have stated I believe about is different from the opinion of a position from other people who have different positions from my opinion and their anger at me would make me feel bad which is why I don’t like to think about politics because ultimately you can’t make everyone happy which means you end up making at least someone unhappy and that makes them unhappy with you which if it was directed at me would make me feel bad and yet I don’t even have the option of having that which makes me feel bad and also I forgot to chew my chewable vitamins C which is like both rejecting the very thing which makes that product marketable as chewable and also costing me the potential positive effect on my cold whether from the healing properties of the vitamin C or from the placebo affect of thinking that this is something that vitamin C is capable of doing which would make me feel bad about prolonging my cold which is the very thing making me feel bad.

On the other hand I just saved on a lot of unused punctuation, so that’s good right?