There are lots of mysteries man has longed sought an answer for that seem, up until now, impossible to solve.
1. Why was Stonehenge built and by whom?
2. What’s the meaning of life?
3. Why do people care about lawns?
4. Why do girls prefer assholes to nice guys?
5. How could you prefer dogs to cats?
6. What’s the deal with fake fingernails?
7. If you wash yourself in the shower then why do you need to ever wash your towel?
8. Why does Samsung, in their current ad campaign, think a guy saving a spot in line for his parents, is a sign that their product is ‘cooler’ than their competitors?
9. Why are there so many idiots in the world?
Well those are all easy to answer (and I will do so shortly) but there is one question that even I thought that even I would never be able to answer. That is of course – what kind of idiot would ever wear their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?
So I am in Taco Bell last week. I was busting for a urine break and decided to go for fast food in hope of using their lavatory and figured that seeing as their rule was that you had to purchase food before you could use their lavatory I should order food, try and use the lavatory while waiting for it to be prepared, and therefore eat with a clean and empty bladder.
Then disaster struck, a man entered the lavatory just as I reached the door, and stayed in there a long, long time. As I was dining alone, and did not trust anyone to mind my food, and was too stupid to order it in a convenient to-go bag, I decided to try and consume my food fast enough to escape a messy problem in my pants.
As I sat down to eat it became clear that my mission to consume my food in time was going to come down to a simple math formula: time eating + time to get to the toilet = how much time I have before I can pee = hopefully not so long as before I MUST pee. It was genius, and realizing I was a genius I became immediately satisfied that I would not be stupid enough to accidently pee my pants after all, so relaxed into consuming my food, and decided to partake in a wee bit of people watching, hoping for nothing but a minor distraction while filling my belly hoping not to empty my bladder.
This is when I noticed the man FINALLY come out of the men’s bathroom, only now he had turned into a woman, well into a surprisingly passable transvestite. Now I spot two men enter the restaurant, both wearing their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking, and I immediately looked at the transvestite, and back to the two gentlemen and thought ‘I can understand why a man would want to dress as a woman but what kind of an idiot would actually wear their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?’
One of these men now went right up to the transvestite and began hitting on her, which surprised me a little. His friend meanwhile went and bought them food. When his food was bagged he turned to his friend and said ‘let’s bounce’ and then added a derogatory word than began with ‘n’. However this man didn’t want to ‘bounce’ and he instead took a seat right next to me, from where he could look at the transvestite from behind.
‘I want to rape you’ he now said out loud at the transvestite, loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear ‘yo girl, I am going to rape you’ he added.
Now he turned to me and asked ‘are you a producer?’ I told him no, and tried to really focus on eating so as to distract him from talking to me, and this made him comment ‘yo, you look like a producer’.
He now told me that he was Tupak’s son, that he was dressed specifically to avoid the paparazzi, yelled a few more times that he planned on raping the transsexual, told me he was bi-sexual so it was ok, and asked me to write him a sweet movie, then left, and I finished my food with just enough time to make the toilet!
Q: What kind of idiot wears their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?
A: The kind of weirdo who helps you eat quick enough to avoid peeing your pants.
And now to answer all the mysteries above:
1. As a calendar, by idiots who didn’t care that the calendar didn’t yet matter as they were not keeping records of what they did on a day-to-day basis
2. Trying to avoid idiots
3. Because long grass can make it hard to spot low lying idiots
4. Girls need to pee a lot
5. Some people are allergic
6. Some girls want to look like transvestites in hope of attracting sons of dead rappers who think it’s ok to exclaim a desire to rape a stranger out loud in a fast food place
7. You don’t
8. They’re idiots
9. Because not enough people pee at Taco Bell to answer life’s questions, those idiots