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The wrongest joke told by Dave – The Documentary

It was a chilly and windy evening in early autumn (I think) in the trendy bohemian (know it all) inner west suburb of Glebe in Sydney (a city). It was early in the evening, people were eating their dinner, happy, out on Thursday at the pub, and looking for a nice evening on dates (how do people get those thing) or with friends. The scene was set for a fun night for all, but no one was prepared for what was about to take place.

David Tieck (sometime comedian)
“I hadn’t performed in a few weeks, and was still pretty new to the art form so I was very nervous that night. Add to the fact that this was also my first ever gig to a paying audience and the biggest audience (people who sit together and all look at the same thing) I had ever played (more than 20) so yeah, you could say I was nervous, really nervous, knees knocking, butterflies, the whole shebang, but I knew it was going to be ace, because I AM ace”.

David was not at very intelligent at this part of his comedy career (or now).

David Tieck (sometime comedian) “Truth be told I had never even been to a pub stand up comedy night (the dark part of the day) and I wasn’t really sure what would take place, but I knew it would be ace, because people like to laugh, and I liked making people laugh, and these were people who were going out specifically to laugh, and I was booked because I convinced (the opposite of a light bulb) the club booker that this was something I was capable (the parallel of a glass of orange juice) of, and that’s an ace coincidence (also a c word). Plus I thought I could pull it off because I was confident (not a ‘see’ word)”.

David was a cocky fool and nervous, a clusterfuck (The word Elvis thought meant window “did you see the bird flying past the clusterfuck this morning? Really fun and exciting” he’d say) of opposite psychological forces that in the world of stand-up comedy can be a disaster guaranteed (a word that means ‘likely’) to happen. And as we’ve already pointed out David was not very intelligent about his stand-up comedy so that makes it even worse.

David Tieck (Somewhat a curtain) “I had a few weeks to prepare so I picked out my five best (a word that means ‘likely’) jokes that I had worked on before, but as the weeks drifted by I found myself coming up with ace new ways of doing them (a word that means ‘them’).”

David being the unintelligent poorly educated, and lazy (didn’t even check out one of their nights in advance to see what the tone of the evening would be, I mean what a dick) started to think that the way to make these jokes funnier was to make them wronger, really wrong, wronger than a wrong wacky witch in Wrongville (a town in Pennsylvania).

David Tieck (Sometimes can do similar things as curtains) “I came up with some ace new jokes. I was really, really looking forward to telling them, it was going to be ace (a word that’s ace)”.

Now this dickhead David had weeks to learn a mere five minutes of material, that he wrote, and intelligent comedians (ones not like David) know that it way fucking easier to learn stuff you wrote yourself than to learn other people’s shit, and this dude did write this stuff (What you put up Turkeys asses) so he should have had no problem learning his jokes.

David Tieck (Stand him in front of a ‘clusterfuck’ and you can’t see out, just like a curtain, see what I mean?) “I knew I was going to be nervous and I didn’t want to forget my jokes, so I wrote one word reminders on my hand so if I forgot (when you wear too much lipstick) I could look down and see the word and remember (when you LOVE climbing on statues) and I could then tell it. It was an ace way to not forget and also I came up with an ace joke about it in case people noticed and it was so good a joke that I kind of wanted to be noticed so I could tell the ace joke (a thing people tell to make people laugh)”.

So this fucking douche starts out and he’s doing awful - nervous, twitching, shaky voice, and no confidence in his delivery at all. What a wanker.

David Tieck (Can you see through a curtain? No! Can you see through David Tieck? No! It’s pretty simple). “I started out doing really ace, I mean I was really nervous but I covered (another fucking c word) it up pretty well, and at one point a guy in the audience goes ‘holy shit he’s fucking losing it’ and I thought ‘that’s ace, comedians on stage, comedians in the audience, this is ace’ so I decided to use my hand with words written on it joke”.

Then this tool David tells this horrible, disgusting (when its really old people having sex in front of you) joke.

David Tieck (I mean you can’t like close him or anything but that’s not the point, he can do the job if you need him) “So things are going ace so I decide to use (what addicts do) my ace joke”

He just fucking says it.

David Tieck (sometime curtain) “So I just say it all ace like”

“Some of you may have noticed I have writing on my hand, but it’s not for my act or anything it’s because I plan on masturbating later and I find it way easier if I pretend I just cheated on an English test in school, that way I don’t feel guilty for thinking about twelve year old boys”.

And the audience just groans in disapproval (a state of not liking things).

David Tieck (ace comedian) “I don’t remember how it went, I was kind of nervous (a state of being ace) and so I assumed it was ok, because seriously that’s an ace joke”.

He said plenty of other shit (where food ends up) and they all sucked, but thinking of twelve-year-old boys, that shit is just wrong!

David Tieck (fucked in the head) “I mean I have said worse stuff, like in my private (a low status job in the army) life and all, I say wronger jokes all the time, once after Lilly Allen was in the news because she had sadly had a miscarriage (a party game you play with kids) and my friends and I were having an argument over the attractiveness (whether you think they’re ace or just totally bangable) of Lilly Allen and some of us thought she was just all right, but I think she is fucking gorgeous so I said ‘I want to bang her so bad I'd blow a load all over her NEXT miscarriage’ it was ace. But you know wrong”.

This knucklehead has never been asked back to perform at that club, and never bloody will. I just pray that he’s never said anything wronger, although sometimes at night I wake up screaming after dreaming he just has (the space where a train would be if it was there although it’s not there right now, but will probably come back).

This has been The wrongest joke told by Dave – The Documentary (a type of film that’s all true, except the politically charged ones).

Credit music rolling.

David went on to quit stand up comedy “I didn’t really like it” he said. He now owns a massage parlour that promises ‘Happy Endings’ (a hand-job) but then fails to deliver ‘Happy Endings’ (also a type of curtain with pictures of ceiling fans on them) and gets his kicks arguing with unhappy customers “they laugh way more than stand-up comedy audiences”.

Bill Jones who was in the audience that night gave up being a pedophile that very night “I realized that it really wasn’t funny.”

Lily Allen got married and announced her new pregnancy this past weekend “I’m glad I met a great man, there are some real sick psychos out there”.

Cash and poo and other good stuff

That's AMAZING! Money, that grimy paper and disease ridden coins that we all scrounge over has an ability to communicate in a way which makes cow excrement develop legs full of enough muscles and bones and the like to WALK!

Let me break that down. Bulls eat grass, hay (and secretly discarded happy days comics which were printed on mass but never sold and are now force fed to bulls) and their four stomachs split those delicious ingredients up into the best nutrients for making beef, leather and bull-sperm (old farmer joke - the baby bull says to the daddy bull 'hey daddy want to run down there and fuck one of those cows?' 'No son, lets walk down there and fuck ALL of those cows') and the left over crap that isn't 'leather worthy' gets dumped out as shit.

Clearly if this left over waste had any brains it would have bribed stomach three to let it at least end up in sausage mince for pizza, but the fact it now ends up as waste is proof of its ignorance and frankly lack of effort while studying during its adolescent years.

So how on earth can this stupid pile of shit form the intelligence needed to use its mind to force its body into literally changing form and growing legs (and I am guessing even FEET - which smell, and that's a big risk to take for something already odor questionable as bullshit!).

By the way 'Odor Questionable' is the new name for my new line of bath salts, the title represents the fact that the bath salts are designed to change a persons odor over the course of the bath and therefore as the product is being used the odor can't be pinpointed down to one specific thing like 'lavender' or 'vanilla blueberry' or 'sweaty glove' therefore meaning it is 'questionable'. I think this honesty in labeling will soon catapult me to the top of the bath salt game!!!! 'LOOK there is David Tieck! He's the Odor Questionable bath salt king!' the girls will scream!

Point is this - the fact that this essentially retarded bullpoo is walking merely because money has been defying its own destiny and has started speaking up tells us something. Money, like the little man, the robots in Terminator and pigeons before it, has become self aware, it now knows it exists.

But it gets worse.

Money has begun to talk!

Wait we already had established that bit.

But it is saying stuff which is influencing shit. Literally shit. And as we all know once you have the shits the next stop is the bathroom business, which leads to toilet paper, which leads to the amazon rain-forest, which is full of weird and creepy animals, which will lead it to flee the forest for more urban areas where HUMANS live and before we know it money will have US!

If this isn't stopped at some point humans will be 'influenced' by money. It will be in our ear making us do stuff for it, like shitty jobs like cleaning toilets, or even shitty jobs like become lawyers and doctors. It will make us carry it around in leather, yes leather wallets and bags (see its not just got the bullshit, but its had some solid chats with bull stomachs two and four!). It will do stuff like trick your poor friend into thinking because he has less of it that you should buy him a beer from time to time but not ever verbalize that making you think sometimes your friend is just being a tightass when actually he just can't afford it - throw him a bone you bastards (NOT a bullbone please!).

Before you know it there will be things called 'girls' who think that somehow just because men like sex more than them we should have to buy them stuff all the time.

But it gets worse. I think if we allow this to keep developing - one day money may even influence, hold your breath - BANKS!!! Those nice fellows who put ATMs everywhere so we can always get cash, and let us have plastic money lending cards in our pockets in case we have poor money management and yet impulsive spending habits!

Also I think money may have a few seductive words to say to government, but I am not worried about that, those guys just want to help the community, they're never going to be as weak and manipulation suspect as bullshit.

Yet no one has bothered to figure out just what money is saying! It's madness!

I suspect it's - 'check out my scar, I got this one falling off a skateboard when I was nine' and from there all ears a pinned in anticipation of what could come next, because no story can start like that and not be AWESOME, so before you know it money has already said 'I'm kind of nice to own and you know buy stuff with' and you haven't even realized you have fallen under its trap.

Well I say we get the scientists working on figuring out just what this money is saying right now! (Also get onto how bullshit is growing them legs, I bet a few amputees would like to know something about that!)

In the meantime I'm going to the shops.

Oh no, oh no - I think they've got MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Dave's Dam Days - Dear John Mayer

Taylor Swift isn't the only one who is hurt!

The looming health crises?

Now I don’t usually like to talk about what everyone else is talking about but on this one particular issue so many people have talked so much about it and yet I still don’t think that the people have talked about it in a way in that it should be talked about.


I am sure by now you have seen pundits on CNN and the nightly news talk about the local paper in the small former silver mining town of Sala near Stockholm in western Sweden’s report that the local high school is considering dropping the subject of ‘health education’ or ‘helunda ecoloa’ from their curriculum after the closure of the 2015 school year unless the moderate change in the school budget which is projected to be passed in the next few months doesn’t go through.


Most of the so called ‘big news channels’ claim that this is a sure sign that the health of the entire world is in jeopardy. And while such a horrific rumor to come out of a small town school administration is often a forewarning of a global disaster (it was a small Austrian schools decision to switch lunch from 12pm to 1230pm which was the original catalyst for WWI as I am sure you know) I think in this case the so called experts are wrong (plus who puts ‘expert big news channel guy’ on their business card, isn’t that a little wordy, why not just ‘know-it-all-but-don’t-really-because-I-just-report-what-I-hear-from-other-places-meaning-really-I-just-know-lots-of-people’ surely that’s more practical).


Point is I believe that many of these people who we put so much trust in are not looking at all the facts here. Yes I know newsmen are magical people, a weather man once said it might rain and then it DID – that’s proof that the news people CAN and DO make bold predictions, and weather, also, can have major effects on the world, it once rained when I was on the way to the shop and the heavier traffic meant that I did NOT buy the CD I was planning on buying as planned. And we all know what has happened to the CD market – it’s collapsed! Only years after they lost a sale to me because of the rain. Well delayed sale, I bought it the next day, but still who knows how many other products have seen their market share dwindle to almost irrelevance because of such a delay? We don’t know – you should be on this newsmen, you’re supposed to be experts – yet you don’t know anything about which products would now be king if it didn’t rain that day so I could have made the shop – shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.


Lets look at the facts:


Fact one: In Sweden in the summer the daylight goes for 24 hours and in the winter the moonlight goes on for 24 hours. This means if you wake up after fifteen years in a coma and there is no clock in the room and you look out the window, you will HAVE NO IDEA what time it is! Then some person is bound to say ‘well there probably will be a clock, it is Sweden’ and this poor person, after fifteen years in a coma will be forced to suddenly yell ‘Switzerland is the clock country, NOT Sweden!’ and the strain, and stress of not knowing what time it is AND deal with misplaced cultural stereotypes will almost certainly knock this poor man right back into a coma. Is this the kind of health system WE need to worry about Sala school kids no longer learning about potentially from 2015? Yes we do, because by looking at the bizarre health systems we can learn more about how to deal with unusual events in our own more ‘normal’ hospitals. However things like this are clearly so interesting these school kids are all but guaranteed to look them up and study them in their OWN time, therefore making the school teach them a mute point.


Fact two: Many girls in Sweden are really, really cute. This has no relevance at all to the world’s health, and would I bring this up now if there was a crises coming? Possibly, because I am often distracted by the attractive. Ha ha, that kind of rhymes. Would I bring up that rhyme dealy if there was a world health crisis coming up? Fuck no I wouldn’t, this is serious, and if I am not being serious then you better believe you can trust ME that there isn’t a world heath crises coming.


Fact three: Downhill skiing is both fun and good for your fitness, and there is way less skiing in Sweden than people think, for it is not a mountainous country, and there are way more skiers in Norway to the East, so by definition the Norwegians will be enjoying more of the health benefits and fun times which skiing offers, and very few Norwegians go to school in Sweden. Why? Well would you leave a country that offers all the fun and robustness of skiing? No you wouldn’t. Which is proof that this one schools decision will probably not affect the education of one of their bordering nations.


Fact four: I personally have a really bad diet, and that happened BEFORE this schools announcement, and if I know one things it’s this - very few people stalk me to find out exactly what I eat so they can copy it exactly down the very same quantity of French fries and how many times I dip them in barbeque sauce. Very few people do this, but some do, which means if a health crises is coming shouldn’t I cop some of the blame?


Wait a minute, wait a minute. Now see this is why I don’t like to talk about topical news type stuff, I always end up exposing myself and the cruel way I live my life at the detriment of others. And it doesn’t make me feel good. You suck Swedish school system!!!!

You may not like it but really should probably hear this

If you get your shoe stuck in gum you probably have spectacularly weak calf muscles!


If you head-butt a tyrannosaurus your fear of horns is probably in direct contrast to your time-machine building skills!


If a tyrannosaurus gets its foot in gum someone probably packed really impractically for a time-travelling trip!


If Homer Simpson were here right now he’d probably say ‘d’oh’ because that’s his catchphrase, and therefore statistically speaking the single most likely thing that he would say at any random point of time!


Math is probably awesome, especially statistics!


If you built a spaceship out of knives that were used to stab people you should probably question the security at the police stations murder weapon storage facilities!


If you’re out in public and your outfit is made up entirely of contrasting stripe patterns you should probably have also included some sort of cloth or material!


If to you ‘happiness’ is defined as ‘a million little paper cuts’ then you should probably purchase an alternative dictionary!


If you regularly dance on the graves of rivals you probably have a weird ability to find a danceable beat in graveyard living bird’s songs while simultaneously have a strange pattern of forming rivalries with the terminally ill!

If you feel like it’s been way too long since you’ve had a quiet night in you’re probably not deaf!


Buying a gun is probably not a good way to honor the contributions of the first ever varnish bottle elected to the senate, and frankly you should be spending more time questioning voting patterns than honoring the victors! Hell Yeah you should!


If you drink so much you vomit it’s probably still better than if you vomit so much you decide you may as well get drunk, and yet neither are as alarming as vomiting so much you decide to take up embroidery! I mean how old are you?


Sometimes the truth is tough to take, but someone probably should say it!

Sometimes you just can't stay silent forever

Little known fact: If the ‘day’ was a flavor it would be a raspberry sorbet with a vanilla custard topping, although it would be utterly unpalatable due to ‘raspberry’s’ cruel, unreasonable and utterly arrogant use of the silent ‘p’, and frankly it just makes me mad.


Sometimes there is nothing I can do but sit around and think ‘this day would be delicious, if it wasn’t for that bloody p’, and other days I am having an awesome day not even thinking about raspberry and their lies when I will horribly come into contact with someone with a stutter trying to ask me something while being perfectly polite about it but end up saying ‘p-p-p-p-p please….’ And I’ll be like ‘great give the perfectly polite people afflictions like stutters while greedy con-artists get to walk around with the gift of the gab’ and then I’ll be all like ‘gift of the gab, what an ironically poorly crafted use of language we choose to use to suggest someone has been blessed in the ability to use their talking en like with voice en that’ and I’ll be so mad that a few weeks later while I am ranting on and on about the unfairness of it all and find myself repeating the ‘p-p-p-p-p please’ bit I’ll suddenly be like ‘raspberrys you scum, do you know where you’re silent ‘ps’ end up? I hope you die!’


Fear not though. For your days do not have to be affected as mine once were. Hell Yeah I did, I came up with a solution to the tragic situation of having your day ruined.


It’s quite simple really.


Anytime you feel like you are having a day that is being damaged in someway, raspberry related or not, merely abolish one awesome thing from your life and replace it with something even more awesome.


For example – last Thursday I was really pissed off because it turned out that I have to call a coffee table a ‘coffee’ table even if I never use it for resting mugs of coffee on them FORCING me to be prejudice against magazines, beer caps and for some reason as I speak a golf tee. That’s not nice at all. Frankly I could complain a lot about this but lets just say this – if we refuse to say ‘beer cap table’ for fear of insulting coffee what happens when the coffee gets all big-headed and haughty and we need to pull it down a notch and ask for beer caps help. I’ll tell you what happens – they WON’T help. That’s not the kind of world I want to live in.


So I am all pissed off and I remember my own remedy – abolish one awesome thing from my life and replace it with something even more awesome. So I did it.


That’s right, I abolished something awesome from my life – my regular trips to train stations to complain that their roof height policies are viciously prejudice against giants and that perhaps the fact we hardly ever see giants walking down city streets is due to their inability to fit onto the trains robbing us mere ‘normal’ sized humans of wonderful ‘I saw a giant the other day’ anecdotes.


And I replaced this with something even more awesome – re-enacting the nightly news from seventeen days ago for sick kids using only stick figure cartoons and the use of make up free mime, just to let the kids know how much better things have gotten since seventeen days ago. You know, still wars and stuff, but way more stick figure cartoons and make up free mime now. And the kids fucking love it – there all like ‘oh, gee, here comes that stick figure cartoon and mime with no use of make up guy’.


And you better believe it fixed my day right on up. Take that coffee!!!!!


By the way, speaking of prejudice I don’t think we will ever, ever abolish prejudice until we abolish the word ‘abolish’. It just sounds so damn delicious.


‘This chocolate vanilla cream cake comes abolished with a rich creamy caramel sauce’


Mmmm, abolish.


Also speaking of abolishment, you know that A-bomb? That’s the first ever bomb given a grade of ‘A’ before it had ever even been used. And then we wonder why it was such an arrogant asshole (both A words – coincidence yes, which is like an aberration, and the fact ‘aberration’ is an A word is one of the main signs that the dictionary is full of secret information – like ‘paidle’ – what the hell does that mean? Ohhhh conspiracy).


Do you know that before the A-bomb exploded it made Japanese kids give it their lunch money? Arrogant asshole!!!


Still we should have known. We should have predicted. We should have sensed. We should have seen. We should not have made the mistakes we made. We should have guessed from the beginning that bombs would turn out to be bad.


Sure it would have been easy to think that all those explosives, and the huge phallic form that they were built in the image of clearly stated they would only be used for charitable candy like goodness, but the clue that they held a secret was right there wasn’t it?


Bomb – SILENT B.


Bastards.

Dave's Dam Days - porn and crackers

Dave's Dam Days - scabs and bear farts

Check it out

Dave's Dam Days - this milk kicks ass

Dave has interesting days, this is part of one of them

So check this video out, it has milk AND addiction cure!!!!

Please don't do this to our kids

I was playing a game of pool last night when something amazing happened. I hit the white ball with the end of my beautifully bronze chalk decorated pool cue and it rolled up the table hitting into the red number eleven ball which then started moving, without me touching it directly at all, in a whole different direction from the one the white ball had been moving in, and then this red number eleven ball rolled into the hole in the corner of the table where it fell into a small net! Wow.


I felt the joy John Mainard Billiard, who was the pool boy sleeping with the wife of the guy who invented Snooker, must have felt when he first learned to drive ‘I am no longer stuck only visiting friends within cycling distance, hoorah’ he was heard to gasp at the time.


I was so overwhelmed I felt I needed to pray:


Dear Lord Jesus Christ Son of God and also God, meaning you’re, your own father, that’s weird, kind of like in Terminator when John Conner sent his own father back in time to save his life before he was born.


I feel I need to pray to you today and thank you for your invention of geometry. If not for this wonderful, and yet cruelly un-respected language of mathematics, we would not now be able to enjoy such amazing things as shapes, angles and sinking the red number eleven ball by hitting the white ball into it, but mostly shapes, how awesome are shapes?


Sure in the end, ironically, it was a shape – the cross, that you were nailed too and died bleeding on, and also the source of one of your most mistranslated quotes, I hate to tell you Jesus but


‘Forgive them father, for they know not what they have done’


Has been mistranslated to mean ‘don’t blame my killers, they’re just kind of naive’ when in reality surely you meant ‘don’t blame them for using a cross, it will be centuries before geometrists discover than the triangle is actually a far stronger shape than a cross, and when they do people will all laugh, and be like “ha ha, remember before we nailed people to triangles when we instead nailed people to crosses, man we were dumb back then’”


Also some people believe in you, hear this quote, and still think god might be a woman! Isn’t that weird? That means they think that you may have called your mother ‘father’ and that your ‘mother’ impregnated your other ‘mother’ and that no men were involved at all. Ha ha, like that will ever happen, a child growing up fatherless, next people will be saying it’s possible for a woman to have an orgasm without a skilled male lover on hand, it’s become a strange world since you left Lord Jesus!


Plus, if the triangle is the strongest shape, why do so many women still object to suggestions by their boyfriends and husbands that another woman be brought into bed for a threesome, or ‘triangle-loving’, surely this is merely an attempt to create a strong stable relationship, you should get geomestrists onto that immediately. Also how did you let the Terminator series get so awful, and simultaneously make James Cameron an idea stealing jackass, seems like the inventor of geometry would know better than this.


Oh by the way Jesus, I secretly I call the white ball in pool ‘the white number 49 ball’ I think its cruel all the balls get numbers other than the white one, and it is the ball that is used the most, its just not fair, and I refuse to let unfairness be part of my table based sport experiences. I give Ping-pong balls their numbers based on their individual personalities, not the orange ones though, they are trying to steel the thunder from baby mangos and that’s not nice. I hope you, our unseen master, reward my generosity when I see you up in that heaven dealy we hope you weren’t lying about.


Note: If you were lying about that heaven dealy, shame on you, some people are relying on that!


Note 2: Some people get geometrists and geologists mixed up, that’s funny, one studies awesome shapes, the other looks at dirt and stuff, maybe you should make sure this discrepancy is fixed in that heaven dealy, we’d hate to be confused when we get there.


Amen


I was feeling good. Geometry once again had enriched my life, and I had taken time to thank its inventor, I needed one more thing to make this experience perfect, by creating a triangle of awesomeness, so I went to fix myself a drink.


This is when it happened.


Yes, ‘it’!


The ‘thing’ that may be the ‘thing’ which fucks up this whole ‘thing’.


I was putting ice into a glass when for the first time I realized just what was going on in this world. Perhaps the source of all bad stuff, or maybe just some bad stuff, but bad stuff is bad stuff and this was clearly the source of some bad stuff.


Turns out – ice ‘cubes’ are no longer always ‘cubes’.


That’s right, in an attempt to make them easier to extract from the tray, some ice cube trays are now round on the bottom, and seriously a shape which is square on five sides yet round on one side is NOT a fucking cube!


Do you people realize what this means?


Ok, so say you’re a parent right, and it’s a hot summers day, you are now faced with a vicious conundrum.


Give your child a refreshing beverage and risk ruining his chances of making a career in geometry or move to Finland and keep the geometry dream alive? What a heartbreaking choice to have to make for a parent. I mean, my god, how hard is that to decide (sorry Lord Jesus, ‘your name in vain’ rhymes, and you know how us humans are suckers for rhymes!)(Also - Conundrums, con-mans, condominiums, condiments, condoms, all things which can make your life a misery, and all ‘con’ words, coincidence I think not, or else why isn’t coincidence spelled conincidence?’)


Sure some parents will be able to administer the following test:


‘Hey Bobby, what do a call a triangle when one of the corners is at a ninety degree angle?’

‘I don’t know mom’

‘Ok Bobby, your geometry career is already fucked, here have a coke’


But that’s rare, because most kids know that a triangle with a right angle is called an isosceles. Still how much longer will this be true if we keep pretending ice-roundtopsquareishbottoms are still ice-cubes!


Note: I have been a fan of beverages for a long time, so even though clearly my personal geomometrical knowledge remains flawless I can’t guarantee it stay this way forever!


It may be easy to make fun of at this time, but what happens fifty years from now when you find yourself driving on a road when a corner seems slightly too sharp for your nuclear-powered-energy-efficient-hover-cycle and you’ll be all like ‘where was a geometrist to prevent this disaster’ and then you’ll remember the headline from the paper:


Geometrists officially ‘refreshed’ into extinction – awesome hover-bike inventing now the world’s most popular branch of the sciences



But by then it will be too late!!!


Well I say ‘no’! Let’s prevent this while we can. Let’s call so called ‘ice-cubes’ what they really are ice-roundtop um, um, circle bottom, no um triangle? Oh fuck, it’s begun, I can’t remember what the name of that round bottomed cube like shape is called. Hang on one second, I need to make a phone call.


‘Excuse me operator, can you please connect me to a geometrist immediately, it’s an emergency…. What do you mean that there aren’t any geometrists available to talk right now and that also there is no longer such a thing as calling an operator and having them connect you to a call, has the world gone made? Jesus, Jesus, please help us!!!!!’


Ok I am back, and I hate to tell you but my phone call did not go well. I could not get a geometrist on the phone to tell me what that shape actually is called.


Plus I was informed that even though some people with the natural skill set for a lucrative career in the geometrical sciences who get jaded out of the entire field will turn to awesome hover bike inventing, others, sadly, will go in different directions and in fact may instead turn to, gulp, taxman taxidermy. Yes its true, you may one day go to bring a gift to your beloved tax man, a gift to thank him for all his love and generosity, and, gulp, find that he has been stuffed!


It’s a scary thought, but unfortunately it is now inevitable, and all we can do is try and delay this horror for as long as we can.


So I say this to you right now – are you drinking a beverage right this moment? If so what shape is your ice? If it’s a lying ‘cube’ then shame on you. If it’s like a whiskey on the rocks, then god-bless you, rock shaped ice is cool, because those geologists need a break from their dirt filled shitty lives.

Don’t dump your trash here

To be honest I’m jealous of trash.


I know some people are like ‘don’t make me jealous of the trash’, there are signs up around town like ‘don’t feed the trash’ and current affair shows do exposes on how some trash is actually undercover fabric salesmen doing their ‘research’ as they call it – call it what it is fabric salesmen, you lying trash, it’s being a busy body! And I have had a busy body in my bed once and I was all like ‘stay still’ and she was like ‘I prefer to get busy’ and I was all ‘that isn’t going to contribute to a fully relaxing sleeping environment’ and then she got all mad and left and went home! That’s right, ‘busy bodies’ mean ‘belligerent bodies’!


But I don’t agree with those folk, because trash has the fucking life. Yes it’s true. Its life’s work is complete! It was designed to hold something before a human used it and that has now happened!!!!!


Wow, it’s like history right in front of us. You can walk past and be all like ‘hey Billy, see that candy bar wrapper, that once had candy in it!!!’ And Billy can be like ‘Hey dad, this strange man is offering me candy’!


That’s the genius of trash.


But that’s not why I am jealous of it. No, it’s the fact that with it’s life’s work now complete it has nothing at all left to do but lay out in the sun, day after day, soaking up the rays, watching the world go by, and letting drunk teenagers urinate on it, it’s all the joy of old age without any of the lack of joy of old age! Wow, that’s awesomely paradoxical.


Oh, trash

Oh, trash

That’s the life for me

Living life with glee


That is not yet the theme song of trash, but if they ever develop the ability to sing it damn well should be. You know, assuming it turns out they speak with Shakespearean like eloquence, and become all snotty so they decide to talk about themselves as like a product rather than in the first person. I mean humans don’t sing ‘oh, human, oh, human’ so get off your ‘pretentious dragon’ trash.


Wait, um, I mean I’m jealous of trash. Trash by definition is in retirement, and sometime mere days after it was given birth to, and in sometimes it’s made of substances guaranteeing that it will live for thousands of years! Can you imagine, knowing you’ll live for thousands of years and still getting to retire three days after birth? No you can’t, because you ain’t trash. Jealous? I am! But you shouldn’t be. Why?


I’ll tell you why!


Because there are these sadistic bastards who call themselves things like ‘cleaners’, ‘trash pickeruperers’ and ‘seriously guys, I don’t mean to whine but some people and their trash is so gross, I guess I’ll just pick it up because I am better than themerers’ who go around town, picking up these pieces of trash, while it is innocently chilling out in the sun enjoying its hard earned post career relaxing years, and these people throw the these poor pieces of trash in plastic bags before suffocating them to death!


Wow, can you even contemplate what it must be like to suddenly be chucked in a plastic bag and cut off from air? It would be terrible. But even worse trash has no arms or legs to fight off its attackers, or try to break free of the plastic, it just has to lie there, feel the oxygen disappear, and then wait for the pain to get so overwhelming it passes out right before death (trash also often shit’s its pants as it dies from suffocating, although it prefers that this doesn’t get out to the greater public).


What kind of a world do we live in when this sort of brutal behavior goes not merely unpunished, but sometimes even celebrated? Sometimes people have ‘murder trash parties’ (or as they call them ‘can someone stay after the party and help clean up the trash’) sometimes criminals as part of jail work release programs are forced into trash murdering! I am sorry, but committing a heinous act does not make up for a life of crime, not in my ‘oh, human, oh life, oh existence!’


Sure from time to time some more kind hearted evil trash murderer will at least have the decency to spike the piece of trash to death with a nail on a stick to save it being suffocated, yet still often those nails are rusty, and most people don’t know this, but tetanus is amazingly swift forming in trash, and often as painful as suffocating to death.


And anyway, their bodies are still intrashmanly crushed together in huge compactors often alongside other corpses of trash that are not just not family, but sometimes even whole different species! You crush a human body, a dog body, and an old rug together in a compactor together and there is an outcry (let we not forget the great human/dog/rug tragedy of 1913, or ‘huogug’ as it was called by the tabloids at the time, ha ha, tabloids are so adorable) yet crush a soda can, a shoe box, and a discarded pair of broken leansed sunglasses together and no one even raises an eyebrow (please note: Some people are not capable of raising just one eyebrow, but if they could most would still not raise one about this monstrosity!)


I know; it’s disgusting!


Then to compound the calamity they are then buried, often naked, in mass unmarked graves, which are then turned into parks where children are encouraged to play on their graves!!!!!!


Seriously ‘!!!!!’ I know it’s excessive exclamation pointing, but kids playing on mass unmarked graves, well honestly ‘!!!!!!!’


I know you’ll get some ‘realists’ who claim that retired containers, and even things like receipts from products long since consumed are ‘no longer contributing to society’. Well first off I have to say – maybe YOU’RE not contributing to society! (You probably are, I mean you’re saying stuff out loud that’s contributing something, but I just wanted you to know how it felt to be accused of perhaps not contributing to society – it’s soft isn’t it? Which is surprising at first because most people don’t know that ‘society’ uses softener) but that doesn’t change the UNDENIABLE fact that trash serves a VALUABLE purpose in society!


Don’t believe me? Well cop this truth. Say you’re walking through a neighborhood, rather like the one where I am staying right now, and you see all sorts of discarded condom wrappers and heroin needles, you get to know off the bat that the kids around here are both scared of STDs and equally fearless of STDs, a contrast which screams ‘these kids play by there own rules’. This kind of information is priceless when a street football game breaks out and you’re asked to play because you don’t have to say ‘hey kids, what rules do you play by’ you know, they play by their own rules. That saves you the entire length of time that this exchange would have taken, and time is invaluable, especially if you’re prone to daydreaming about how to ban all electric drills from kindergartens. Yep:


Trash: 1

Realists: 0


Hell yeah.


Oh by the way, if you do get involved in this game of football and one of the kids bleeds, you also know not to taste the blood for signs of a bizarre chocolate flavor, because heroin boys? Really? Heroin boys? Awwww, I hate to feel this way, but I’m disappointed in you. And I am afraid I have to punish you, I know I am sorry, but heroin boys? Really? I am sorry, I can’t give you dessert after dinner tonight, and tonight is chocolate cheesecake night. No, no, no, you MADE me do that, I don’t feel one little tiny bit good about it, but heroin boys? Really? Boo.


Oh, check this out – go to a neighborhood full of fast food wrapper trash and you can reliably conclude that this is a fat neighborhood, which means a slow neighborhood, and therefore a muggers paradise! That’s VALUABLE information for muggers.


Note: Sometimes something valuable to individuals is damaging to society as a whole.


Note 2: Don’t you dare blame trash for that – it doesn’t CHOOSE where it is dumped, it merely offers you the precious ability to read a neighborhood for what it is, so don’t go ‘we don’t want muggers coming here’ instead be all like ‘thanks trash for letting us know the TRUTH about what’s going on in the streets, unlike those street glorifying hip-hop singers’


Note 3: Remember when ‘hip-hop’ used to be called ‘rap’? Did they change the name to try and make us forget that one time those rappers did that thing? Cause I for one will NEVER forget!


Note 4: Do something nice for the world, collect a bunch of fast food wrappers and dump them in a neighborhood full of fit people, the muggers will never know what hit them, and really don’t you owe this to trash?

Finally more is known about the cause of evil

If you ask me just because you are afraid of windowsills does NOT guarantee you are evil at all.


I know, once again I am stirring up controversy, and trust me I don’t want to upset anyone. That is unless you are one of those people who are scared of windowsills and you ARE evil.

In which case I probably still wont upset you because of my theory. I mean if adopted by medical researches currently studying evil and how to extract it from the body without the removal of the pancreas, because as we all know the pancreas is vital to living a life full of daydreams about olive oil, and no one wants to give those up, and why bother being evil free if that means you are also pancreas free and therefore olive oil dream free? The answer is it’s not worth it, ever! So if these medical professionals do adopt my theory, and they may, I mean evil studying medical researchers are the MOST prone of all medical professionals to willy-nilly theory adopting. Many in the medical research fields feel it holds them back from dominating the inter-medical field indoor soccer league. That’s when you know you have a problem. So if they do adopt this theory also, and then write a ground breaking report detailing how being afraid of windowsills does not guarantee you’re evil, and then if anyone who matters takes note of this report, which frankly is unlikely, especially seeing as time and time again these gullible evil studying scientists have adopted theories and written reports on them. What I am saying is if you ARE scared of windowsills and you ARE evil, and people who matter pay attention, then I know that you will probably, rather than get upset, merely use this report as evidence to get you off in court. So DON’T get UPSET WITH ME, I’m helping you evil bastards.


(Wow, sometimes you just have to sit back and take a rest after a paragraph so lacking in confusion and merely congratulate yourself. Well done Dave).


What I am getting at is this – if you get upset about my theory and you’re evil, I don’t care, I only care whether or not I upset NOT-evil people! That’s just the kind of guy I am.


By the way if a man pulls up beside you in white car that clearly has windowsills and he randomly offers you a “ride” somewhere feel free to go with him; I’m not here to make decisions for you, yet as surprising as it may sound, plenty of people who are not afraid of windowsills still are evil! And you should always do your best to stay up to date with risk factors such as this.


Ok, so lets look at the facts:


Fact One: Windowsills are usually located in the vicinity of glass - which is made from sand! Tiny yellow granules that get turned into clear see-through panels? That’s magical! And magic is evil. So being scared of windowsills shows a clear fear of evil and as we all know it is impossible to fear something you ARE yourself!


Note: unless you’re a spider, in which case of course you are scared of other spiders, they are little and bitey


Note 2: Also if you’re a bus pass, because as we all know if a bus pass touches another bus pass both automatically turn into spiders, so yes that is another example of the exception that proves the rule that it is impossible to fear something that you are yourself. Evil for example.


Fact Two: Windowsills collect dust and dust is largely made up skin fragments – eeww! And evil people get sad when reunited with long lost and long forgotten skin fragments.


Fact Three: You never see spiders on windowsills anymore because most spiders are scared to run into other spiders there which scares them because spiders fear spiders because spiders are scary. And evil people are scared of things being scared of running into similar things at places; so evil people stay the hell away.


Fact Four: Windowsills are rarely made of denim. Why not? I don’t know, manufacturers of windowsills have never satisfactorily explained this, and this says loud and clear – they have something to hide. I don’t know what it could be, but you better believe I FEAR it! And evil people don’t wear denim; it makes them itch.


These Four facts prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is perfectly logical to be evil and be scared of windowsills, and therefore the fact that you are scared of windowsills is not the cause of your evil, but rather a symptom.


Note: Doubt NEVER has a shadow. It’s a feeling, not an object, and feelings don’t have shadows.


Note 2: Unless what you are feeling is a spider on you in which case – RUN!!!!!!!


Stay tuned – next week I will somehow attempt to prove that you can NOT own a wallet yet still BE ADDICTED to sniffing strangers perfume.


Clue: If you’re stricken with adult onset diabetes that has bizarrely caused acute juvenile amnesia why would you buy a wallet, you should be worrying about getting medical a examination!

Mark my words

Mark my words
Category: Blogging

If you ask me most marksmen are probably really bad at remembering to pay for their parking at the machine before driving up to the exits and annoying the people behind them, the very people who HAD taken the time to follow the clearly labeled directions as posted in several different hard to miss locations upon entering the parking facility.


I know…. I am making a bold statement here, and if you know me I don’t like making bold statements, bold type uses more ink when printing and that shit is surprisingly expensive. Then again I was the guy who once boldly claimed that one-day people would suddenly realize that:


‘hey cheese is awesome, and therefore using the term “cheesy” translated to mean something other than awesome, or maybe even dare I say it “uncool” (how can something be un something, really you’re either something or your not it, you’re not un it. I am a boy not an ungirl for example. Or didn’t cut down a baby giant redwood today I didn’t unnotcutdownababygiantredwood today because that would be kind of stupid, giant red words are awesome, so you can stick your uns up your ass. By the way if you choose not to do this then please don’t unstickunsupyourass). So “cheesy” should be awesome, always, unless you’re being ironic and let’s face it when people use the word “cheesy” they’re hardly ever fucking meaning it ironically and frankly if you’re going to be ironic leave cheese fucking out of it, cheese is never ironic to you, it’s just delicious, and it sits on top of awesome foods like pizza or inside awesome foods like pizza with cheese stuffed into the insides, so leave cheese alone is all I am saying’


And yes that is a direct quote of what I thought ALL people would one day randomly say out loud. It was a bold statement and I only turned out to be partly true (the true bit was the word ‘something’ that word actually exists!)


By the way feel free to be ironic about mirrors – you look at them but you see yourself!!!! Wow, there has got to be something ironic about that.


Hey check this out – what did the vain guy say to the mirror?


Nothing!


Get it. He didn’t see the mirror only himself, ha ha, you know cause he was vain and vanity is awesome.


By the way if you’re vain you suck, so I am so glad I am so much more awesome and beautiful than you, it makes me feel awesome about myself, you vain bastard.


I feel like we’ve gotten off the point. What point I hear you ask? (Wow either you’re really loud or we live closer than I thought!) Point is you can see why I would be wary about making a bold statement again, that is why when I say marksmen probably show an arrogant level of diligence and assiduousness (thesaurus = yay) when it comes to parking etiquette you can have faith I wouldn’t be making such a claim if I didn’t have some hard core evidence that I know what the hell I am talking about.


What hard-core evidence do you have? I hear you ask (seriously keep it down ‘the neighbors will talk’ is a phrase which suggests neighbors are mostly mute and I think evidence points towards most neighbors NOT being mute – so just be careful is all I’m saying).


So what evidence do I have? The best kind, that’s what, yes that’s right hell yeah I have myself in the possession of a theory!


Do you know that it was a theory that led to the invention of tablecloths? Someone once said ‘I have a theory that if we cover the table with a cloth we can create more laundry with no real benefits at all, and an international billion dollar industry was born’ so that there is proof that theories can change the world! When was the last time photographic evidence changed the world? It’s probably been a week or so, where as tablecloths and fresh and relevant.


And really if you can’t get mad at an entire profession because of a theory then what is the point of those public service announcements about how it’s probably not ok to light your own arm on fire? I know! They DON’T exist, because someone had a theory that if they did make public service announcements of this variety it would be pointless because the type of individual prone to lighting their arms on fire are probably too busy with active dating lives to be at home watching TV.


And they were of course right – yet another reason I am jealous of the fire armers. The other reasons include the following:


- They rarely have their sinks blocked up with hair that has fallen off their arms which saves thousands a year in plumbing costs

- They’re more respected that politicians

- They rarely get given tickets by the cops (when your arm is on fire the cops believe you when you say your wife is about to give birth, cause think about it, if your wife wasn’t about to give birth why on earth would you light your arm on fire?)


By the way, remember high school when all your classmates’ wives were giving birth? If so you’re peers had a weird trend of young marriages.


I once wrote a novel called ‘your peers had a weird trend of young marriages’ it was about a bunch of normal well adjusted teenagers – the title was ironic – and yes it’s way better to be ironic about peers and teenage marriages than cheese, you dairy hating scum (Butter and ice cream are also diary! Wow, magical). (Have you ever put melted butter on your ice-cream? If so you may be overweight, and yet clearly awesomenessous, which is proof that fat is the new cool).


Speaking of scum I also assume marksmen are dairy haters, because why else would they not pay for their parking at the time they were told to!!!!!


I’ll tell you why – because marksmen don’t know the meaning of the word ‘helmatumliciss’ because that word doesn’t exist and marksmen are often too busy looking into that close up scope eye hole dealy to worry about the dictionary. Yes I know – bastards.


And what kind of person doesn’t have intimate knowledge of every made up word not in the dictionary? People who don’t pay for their parking when they should – that’s who!! (Please not: Also all people and all people includes marksmen!!!!)


So yes do I answer yes to the suggestion that yes I am pissed off at marksmen? Yes I do.


Will I get over it soon? Probably, I mean I don’t actually know any marksmen and I don’t own a car so I rarely park one in carparks so what’s the big deal really?


By the way are marksmen are those guys who train to like shoot things from far away? Cause those guys are talented AND cool, I’d never say anything bad about them.


Ps – helmatumliciss: To love tablecloths and yet keep it a secret that really they don’t do anything but contribute to laundry

So jealous - or maybe I'm just a pioneer

Do we have any Craig Ferguson fans here? I love that man, his books are fantasitic and his show is pure genious (I'm keeping this misspelling cause I kind of like that misspelled that word).

I'm Jealous of Craig, because what he does and gets to do, on his show is a total dream of mine, hence my various attempts at my little internet talk shows. One thing I have been jealous about with Craig more recently is his robot skeleton side kick. I've wanted some weird kind of electronic side kick for years!!!! I sort of experimented (only in my mind) with a manican (fuck I can't even spell this close enough to spellcheck getting it, no more beer for breakfast please Dave) with a tape recorder for a head, I've tried weird things, once I had a mouse in a bowl of rose petals, but it didn't talk, and more recently I have thought about getting a girl in a bikini to read random things I write on a piece of paper (still thinking of using this one, what do you think?) but Craig getting his robot skeleton has made me think if I pull out my own version I will just be accused of copying.

No sir ee Dave. In your forgetful nature (no more beer for breakfast Dave - I am actually doing that right now, seriously, I had a half a warm beer on my window ledge and I'm finishing it, mostly because of a hate for waste of beer than a desire for morning beer - or so I tell myself) but I completely forgot that I HAD A ROBOT SIDEKICK WAY BEFORE CRAIG!!!!!!!

I have proof too, I filmed this below August 9th 2009 - months before Craig even conceived his robot.

Check it out

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/1959790

I still love you Craig, your a genious (yay) but maybe I am too!!!!!

I'm here to protect you

I can tell by osmosis that many of my readers are big fans of the cops, so I thought it was about time I talked about some of my days when I was a member of the boys in blue, the finest protectors in the world’s little brother, the police force. (The finest protectors in the world are obviously surfers; their tireless effort to protect us from sharks taking over the mainland should never be forgotten).


When I was a cop I was hardcore, that means I played by my rules, and my rules were neatly summed up in a book they gave us when we joined the police force, this book was referred to as ‘the book’ and if you decided, like me, to make your own rules basically the same as the one’s in ‘the book’ then your rules would be pretty much the same as everyone else’s on the force, and that helped us all get along way better. Hell yeah, it’s that kind of attitude which cops need to adhere to all else partners get slapped by each other, and its never manly to slap another man.


Now as a hardcore law enforcer one of my primary responsibilities was to go to schools to scare the kids straight by talking at assemblies. (And by assembly I mean the assembligation of a group of kids, I was not talking while kids like assembled model air planes or something, no, never, not this cop).


These assemblies were always poorly attended of course. I guess the bad kids were always too scared to hear the truth! That’s right police uniforms are dry-clean only, so if you become a cop you need to take that into account or else the drain in your salary from keeping a clean uniform may severely throw off your projected spending power in the up-coming fiscal year. Those bad kids, always scared to hear someone say ‘fiscal’, I know it’s hard to pronounce but that’s no reason to flee the scene kids! I would often feel very guilty after these assemblies, but not for the bad kids lack of guts. No, for my own failures, but we’ll get to that.


In these assemblies I’d get to say stuff like ‘study hard or else they’ll hold you back and make you repeat a year or two and then you’ll end up that weird older guy still in school’.


‘Hey aren’t you like 30? You’re the weird older guy in this school!’ a kid would always inevitably yell out. And as the rest of the kids burst into laughter I would remember exactly why I decided to become a cop in the first place – to crack the skulls of smart-ass kids! So I would pull out my baton and charge at the kid ready to expose his cracked skull off to the whole fucking school.


After the smart nerdy girls, who always sat up front, had tackled me, subdued me and kicked me out I’d return to the police station and my sergeant would call me into his office


‘Are you retarded?’ he would yell at me

‘Well you were the one who hired me, you tell me?’ I’d reply ‘plus why get angry if you are posing that as a question, by definition a questions should be something you are asking because you don’t know the answer and therefore you should attach no emotion to it at all until the answer is forthcoming, which of course I have not provided, so there’.


Not wanting to own up to their own stupid decision-making when choosing a new employee to be part of their police squad these ‘bosses’, as we imaginatively called them, would usually remain quiet and I’d go unpunished.


This ability of mine to twist the facts and the realities to my own advantage was a key element of my police work.


‘Case closed!’ you would often hear me yell.


Of course I never actually had any cases. ‘When you’re a rouge cop who plays by your own rules which match up neatly against their rules then they don’t give you cases’ I would say to myself when I questioned why once again they were making me stay in the office and photocopy paper work I’d seen other cops pull from the trash after hearing a ‘boss’ say ‘I don’t know, just make up something for him to do’.


Still ‘Case closed’ I would yell, because when I came to work I always packed a small suitcase in case I was sent out on undercover work, and I always packed light, so my suit case was ALWAYS easy to get closed, none of that sitting on it bullshit you see so many disgraceful over-packers do all the time. ‘Case closed’ hell yeah it was, again and again and again.

That’s why I often felt guilty after these assemblies. So often I would be kicked out by the nerdy smart girls before I had the chance to tell the kids about the importance of over packing.


‘Pack light’ I wanted to tell them kids ‘because when they kick you out of somewhere and your bag is packed lightly, the people kicking you out are way less likely to think “this is pretty heavy, maybe we’ll keep it in case it’s full of valuables” and instead will chuck it at you while you lie on the grass with a three twelve year old girls standing over you laughing!’


Is that an important lesson for the kids? Well you ask me – ‘Is that an important lesson for the kids’ I hear you asking. Hell yeah it is, ‘case closed’ you should imagine me saying, this time about the case of whether that is an important lesson for the kids or not rather than about closing my suitcase.


You see I don’t close cases any more. I have since been fired as a cop, and so no longer prepare myself for undercover work. Apparently somewhere in ‘the book’ it states that if you get kicked out of twenty seven school assemblies in one year then you get fired’. Personally, to be honest, as I cop I never actually read ‘the book’ I was too busy closing cases.

Another great underdog story

They say it’s good luck when a bird shits on you. I’m not sure why myself, seems more like it forces the washing of clothes which was invented by Ivan the terrible. You see as the Tsar of Russia, Ivan went on a terrible killing spree. The people would say ‘what’s ol’ Ivan up to?’ and the reply would come ‘Ivan’s on a terrible killing spree’ then some guy went ‘we should call him Ivan the terrible’.


Ivan had this man killed of course. This is why bullies now hand out most nicknames. It’s simple evolution. Giving out nicknames often got you killed in awful inhumane ways. So mostly only really stupid people gave them out. Like the guy who nicknamed Queen Elizabeth the 1st the ‘virgin queen’? What an idiot, while he was out thinking up nicknames he had the chance to bone a queen, and a virgin! You’d have to be nuts to pass out either of those things. And instead he stuck to nicknames and got himself drawn and quartered. And that smarts, especially when the horses are pulling your limbs off. Then there was that dude in ancient Rome who called some other bloke Steve, which back then was a terrible insult meaning ‘one with manly voice’ which in those days was insulting because men with manly voices were often forced to be leaders, which in those days wasn’t desired because they didn’t have microphones so giving speeches hurt the throat. Well that guy who called that guy Steve, had Steve turn around and said ‘you rule’, which in those days was a really mean insult, you know because of the whole sore throat element to ruling.


Over time with nicknaming few becoming stupider and stupider and therefore their offspring became stupider and stupider until we reach modern times when only the stupidest people alive have the natural instinct to nickname within them, and you got it, bullies, always the stupidest people alive.


Advice by Dave – If you ever have someone bullying go ‘nice job Steve, you Rule’ they’ll be too stupid to know the reference and it’ll confuse them so much they’ll poo their pants.


Please note – result may differ if the bullies name is Steve.


In Ivan’s case the reception of the nickname ‘Ivan the terrible’ did of course result in the nicknamer to be tortured cruelly (one of his ancestors went on to be the bully who nicknamed New York’s the naked cowboy ‘the naked cowboy’ clearly failing to notice that this man is always wearing underpants, seriously what a moron). But it also hurt Ivan’s feelings terribly. And when he told his number two in command ‘my feelings hurt terribly’ and his number two went ‘Ha ha, like Ivan the terrible’ you guessed it, beheaded! Now Ivan felt even worse, not only did he have a nickname that hurt his feelings terribly but he had just beheaded his best friend.


There was only one thing for it. He needed to go out and shag as many women as possible to get his mind off it. He set to his new task with a vigor people hadn’t seen in him since his last murder spree. Yet still he wasn’t happy. ‘Why aren’t you happy Ivan?’ someone once fortuitously asked him. ‘Because some of the girls smell bad’ came the reply.


In an instant the word was put out, if you want Ivan to pork you instead of kill you, then you damn well better smell decent. ‘But how?’ said a young lady by the name of Madeline Washing. Then she went ‘bingo’ which then was a word meaning ‘dinner is ready’ and while she sat and ate dinner with her family she noticed a lot of them were wiping grease and shit on their clothes, and she thought to herself ‘what a waste of grease and shit’. Furious at her family for their waste, she made her son try and extract the wasted food from his shirt, he failed miserably, as he just chucked his shirt in the river and said ‘get it out yourself mum, you slut!’ Madeline was crushed, her food was wasted, her son hated her, and she remembered that she was married with kids, and so probably not the kind of lay the tsar was looking for anyway.


Dejected, she went down to the river to collect the shirt, and finding it stuck in a tree, she pulled it free and discovered in was kind of cleaner than it had been. She named this new process ‘Washing’ after her surname, because people were all show offs back then.


She never did get to screw the tsar, but washing took off, some people still practice it even today! Still a bird pooing on you lucky? Yeah right, like I am going to support something that originated from nicknaming!


So this one time a friend of mine, Leaves, was pooed on by a bird. He showed up at work that day with a big poo stain on his shirt. And someone said to him ‘hey nice poo stain, you should buy a lottery ticket’ and so he bought a lottery ticket and did NOT win, and vowed from that day on that birds pooing on you clearly wasn’t good luck, and that hard work was what got people what they wanted.


He started telling people ‘hey man, you know when someone says a bird pooing on you is good luck, well that’s bullshit man’ and they’d go ‘no bird shit, not bullshit’ and he’d be like ‘don’t test me man’ and they’d be like ‘hey have you ever realized that bird shit is two words yet bullshit is one word, that’s speciest!’ and he would get all upset and want to fight back, sometimes he would get so enraged that he would even think about nicknaming some of these people. But he wouldn’t go out like that ‘not this guy man’ he would say. And then people were like ‘you can’t say guy and man back to back, it’s not good English’ and that would really piss him off.


The forty second time after this series of events took place he snapped. A bird pooing on him had started this path to horror. People had told him at the time that it was good luck and instead it had sent his life spiraling out of control to the point of people correcting his English, which is of course one of the most evil things humans can do (except in Estonia where it is considered polite! Ahh Estonians, they are so cute yet so fucked up).


Leaves swore revenge. If a bird pooing on him could ruin his life then he was going to return the favor. Yep, that’s right, he was going to poo on a bird. Hell yeah he was.


It was not going to be easy. Birds aren’t easy to target, and pooing isn’t easy to control.


Little known fact: Guns are not designed after the human digestion system!


But Leaves was determined. He trained hard. He ate lots of fiber. And one day he came out from his training facilities, spotted a target, ran at it with the speed and grace of a Springbok, leapt to his feet, and while somersaulting through the air he pulled down his pants and projectile fired out a turd right into the head of one of the losers who said ‘a bird pooing on you is good luck’.


And he yelled ‘a bird pooing on you good luck. A human pooing on you great skill! Take that Steve!’ (This guys name was Steve, so don’t you go label Leaves one of these nicknaming psychos!).


Leaves still hasn’t managed to poo on a bird (he is adamant a Canary in a cage doesn’t count, some people are weird I guess) but he continues to try until this very day, and I think he will get there, because in the end if the underdog doesn’t win some people are like ‘why are we watching this, we can see the underdog lose in real life all the time’ and the answer is of course ‘because if the end doesn’t surprise you at least occasionally there will never be any suspense in any stories you loser’.


Also if you ever have a bird poo on you and someone says ‘hey bird poo, that’s good luck, yay’ tell them ‘no it ain’t’ then give Leaves a call, and he’ll show them the real meaning of Christmas, wait I mean he’ll totally poo in their face for you, especially if they are a bunch of birds dressed in a human man suit. (This is not the source of the two birds one stone saying, but if your poos are stone like please see a doctor).

Speaking of advertisements

Speaking of advertisements

Do you guys remember those commercials where the aliens came to earth and proceeded to enslave all human beings and then found a way to take over our brains in a way which to create a new universe wide peace monitoring love helmet, and then having declared universal harmonization they took up stand up comedy, doing mostly jokes about how hard dating is when your genitals are in a jar which hovers above your head, but those jokes became cliche and were hard to relate to by a lot of humans because our genitals are rarely in jars, and almost never in jars AND hovering about our heads, so the aliens gave up comedy and went into politics creating a brand new political system where all decisions were made through a complicated series of games where the only rules were there were no rules, until that made it hard to tell who was winning so they brought in a few obvious rules like no poking opponents in eyes, because that stings, although poking people in the genital jar hovering about their heads was allowed, obviously cause it's hilarious, and these were comically minded aliens after all, and sadly like most comically minded people they had a dark side, and began to drink and after a while they would let their genitals climb out of their jar for any old whore just to escape their miserable lives for the briefest of moments.

I don't remember those commercials at all. Because some ad campaigns are stupid. I think they were for a soda, or car of some sort that had an awesome drink holder for your sodas.

I guess what I am trying to say, is should anyone be so inclined I would totally love it if you could write a review of my book, or say something nice about me over at Amazon, I really need to start selling those things. Thankyou!

http://www.amazon.com/Losing-My-Virginity-Times-ebook/dp/B003VYBREA/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2

This is information you're going to want to have

Oh sorry, I was just distracted for a moment. You see I was just remembering the last time I had to fill out the “timeless submission form”.


‘What is the “timeless submission form?”’ I hear you ask.


You don’t know what the timeless submission form is?

Seriously?

Seriously?


You know the world makes me sad sometimes.


Actually, you know what. Ok. Ok. I guess I can remember a time when I didn’t know yet. It was a sad time, and if I hadn’t been helped out by a kind stranger I met in a dark ally one night who whispered ‘hey man, give me your wallet or I’ll kill you’ so I kneed him in the nads, and then ran down the street, and then went to a bar and got a drink to calm my nerves, and then I had a bunch, and then I went to he mall the next day, and when I was at that mall I bought the t-shirt I was wearing when I found out about the “timeless submission form”, so I guess I know how you’re feeling right now, so I’ll fill you in. (Ha ha, fill you in, like a form!)


First off there are a lot of awesome things about the “timeless submission form” that I should let you know about right off the bat.


1. It’s timeless, so that’s good. No watches needed. You don’t have to set an alarm to make sure you are up in time for it. By the way one time my alarm didn’t go off and I wake up way later and I’m thinking ‘hey my alarm didn’t go off so I slept well but then missed a very important meeting, which is a good thing mixed with a bad thing, and that’s just what I hate about stuff, you know its good and bad and stuff, so that’s kind of depressing’ but I digress, because the “timeless submission form” is hell yeah awesome and I hate to sully the fact that the timeless nature of it is part of that.

2. It’s a submission form so you can pretty much guarantee that most times the form will be submissive, you know or else the form would be lying with its very name and there ain’t no fucking way that people are going to get away with lying on the very name of a form and still have that form end up being implemented into the official form registry, especially when the form is related to escalators. Oh shit, I just gave away part of what the form is about at an early time than I planned. I am sorry. Still, a submissive form, you better believe that’s an awesome element to a form. So many forms fight back these days. These fucking forms that come armed at your first meeting, I hate those things. Guns, knives. It’s sickening. Yes I am going to poke you with a pen; IT’S YOUR JOB TO TAKE IT!!!!! DEAL WITH IT!!!!! You know, don’t sign up to be a form if you don’t want to deal with the realities of the job, that’s all I am saying. So yeah I form that just lies on the table and takes it, that’s my kind of form!

3. It’s a form. Actually I wouldn’t say that’s one of my favorite things about it. Still it’s better than it being like a laundry basket surely. I mean what can you do with a laundry basket, put laundry in it, use it for a makeshift cage if you catch bats in your attic, make an ironic fancy dress costume. That’s like IT. Where as forms have endless possibilities. There is a form you fill out when you get married, and there is another form you fill out when you get divorced! Seriously! That’s the truth. That’s forms that do the opposite of each other. The opposite! A guitar is awesome, but can it do the opposite of allow a musician to make awesome guitar music with it? Hell no. A TV is awesome, but can a TV do the opposite of display a wide arrange of entertainment options? Fuck no. Forms can do the opposite, and they deserve all the praise they get. People are always getting mad when another celebrity comes out in support of forms “you’re rich and famous, so it’s easy for you to support forms” people are always yelling. Yeah well forms great, and that’s the opposite of shit.

4. The “timeless submission form” is also a rare form printed on orange paper. Sure it’s because of a major fuck up by a paper delivery company which caused three people to get fired, but an orange form? Ha ha orange.

5. It’s made of paper, that means it used to be a tree! Wow, it’s like technology at work. How can you not marvel. Wow, marvel, wow.


‘Have you filled out the “timeless submission form”?’ I was asked once

‘No, should I have’ I replied

‘You don’t have to, but I recommend it’ the answer came back.


Do you know one day someone asked me if I had tried Diet Dr Pepper, and when I said no he was like ‘you should check it out, I recommend it’ and now I drink it everyday! I love it. Right there that is proof, iron clad proof, that recommendations can work in someone’s favor. So when someone recommends I fill out a form I check that shit out.


By the way, a car just drove by out my window. Those are made by stuff they got out of the ground! The ground! Where worms and other various un-seeable to the naked eye parasites live! I’m telling you people technology is amazing. I totally recommend checking it out, this shit is going to take off one day, and you’re going to feel like a nerd if you’re not part of the craze.


Now I am not one for embarrassing admissions, like the time I was on a volcano, and I saw smoke and freaked out, but then it was just a guy smoking, and when I noticed I was like ‘smoking is bad for your health’ and he was like ‘I know, but I do it anyway, how do you like me now bitch’, well I would never admit that I cried because someone called me a bitch, but I did, because I don’t like nasty words than can be not nasty if they use them in their original and proper manner, its rude. But I am telling you this now because I want you to feel fine with admitting to yourself if you have yet to make technology part of your life. It’s not too late, I swear.


By the way one bit of technology I don’t like is the escalator. I originally planned for this statement to be mind blowing, but I already mentioned the escalator earlier so I understand if you didn’t get the effect I desired. That’s my fault; don’t cry for me I make my own decisions. But seriously, escalators, we have stairs and then after shit loads of research the best thing they can come up with to improve this is moving stairs. I am sorry, that’s not good enough. They used to turn trees into forms, and metals and oils in the ground into cars, now they turn stairs into moving stairs. That’s failure in my eyes. Where are the float bubbles, where are the imagination movement facilitating transformation booths. That’s the technology I was taught to love, so escalators are a failure technology. Plus they’re lazy, but if you want to be lazy that’s your own privilege.


By the way who invented the ceiling fan? ‘Fuck it’s hot in here; you know what would be great? If we could attach something to the ceiling to make this exact same air move gently!’ That’s technology failure. Where is the temperature morphing logical flags? It’s technology catastrophe!!!!!


Ok, now that you know the facts, I think you’re heady to hear the truth – what is the “timeless submission form”? Well here is the brilliant thing. Hell Yeah Brilliant Awesomnessous!!


If you now go to any building which has installed escalators, you can request to see management, and then ask to fill out a “timeless submission form” and on this form, along with listing you name, address, tax details, medical history, and submitting a urine and blood test, and hair DNA sample, family history, the name of any people you ever and ‘impure thoughts’ about, you also get to fill out a question that asks ‘Any other comments?’ And right in this convenient location you can write “I think escalators are technology failure”.


That’s right. Right motherfucking there on the “Timeless Submission Form”!!! Can you believe it?


But wait, it gets even better.


If you ever get arrested for a violent crime you can ask to have this official complaint introduced as evidence that you are a forward thinking individual, and because the form is timeless it will always be there, and get this, once you make this request the judge will say ‘dually noticed’. That’s like proper court talk. How cool is that.


So do I recommend the “Timeless Submission Form” you better believe I do. And like I have proven, recommendations kick ass.

Powers beyond us and stuff dealy

It’s been an interesting week this week.


I finally relented and am trying a new sleeping aid this week. I try and stay away from them because if they work I become horribly addicted and then I use them too much and then they stop working and my sleep gets even worse. (Unless awesome sporting events are on in the middle of the night - in which case can't sleep, hell yeah I can't!). Anyway Nyquil entered my life two days ago, so far three great nights sleep, and three days where I can barely wake up. You know that haziness you have for the first ten minutes after you wake up when you haven't had enough sleep and consider suicide so you can jump back into it, I have that all day now. Fun! (I now understand how people watch all the crap that's on TV, it's not that they like it, it's just no energy to change the channel). I may stick with the Nyquil for a while, but then again I may also currently be a zombie and everyone is too afraid to tell me that my brains are hanging out incase I turn around and eat theirs. Also of course, one of the problems with sleep aids is for those of us inclined towards sleep walking they can increase the risks, the good news is based on my exhaustion and forehead tattoo that says “I got tattooed in Nebraska” I think I dodged that bullet.


By the way I just watched a big gangster looking black guy and a multiple head tattooed biker dude have a

“You go first”

“No you go first”

“No I insist”

Argument over who should enter a bookshop first. Hollywood can be adorable sometimes.


Plus I once wrote a novel called “face tattoo in Nebraska”. It’s about a teenager whose parents move him to Nebraska and he tries to find a way to get revenge on them but can’t figure anything out so just ends up getting a bunch of face tattoos. It’s your traditional coming of age teenage comedy romp!


We had an earthquake this week in LA. It was the second one I have felt and easily the strongest. This one felt like waves coming rolling in and apart from the surfer who splat against my window it wasn’t so bad.


Earthquakes are a weird experience here. They happen often enough that you’re not instantly scared that it’s the big one, but before you allow yourself to enjoy it you find yourself taking a moment to look around and see what could fall on you. This is where you thank god for once you don’t have a massive wall mounted TV. And it’s now that you remember that your upstairs neighbor often makes so much noise you suspect he has a pet elephant so you get to imagine what it would feel like to have an elephant crash through the ceiling and land on you. (I think it would be kind of like drowning in the sewer, you’d die but it would be worth it to experience the unique smell).


It’s kind of like when you’re taking off in a plane. You don’t believe it’s going to crash but you can’t help but pick out which flight attendant you’ll try to get to have one last hook up with, and decide which crying baby is so annoying that you’ll make a point of eating it first when you get lodged on a mountain (the answer is all of them – mmm baby back ribs).


I also went to church for the first time in years this week. My first huge big, musical extravangza American church experience! Church for me is always equal parts enlightening and inspiring, full of love and support and yet equal parts bat-shit crazy. It’s like the city bus – it gets you where you want to go quick and conveniently but you have to feel like a bag is about to be thrown over your head before you’re locked in a dungeon and forced to listen to choir music for hours.


By the way I once heard a woman in church exclaim “all you need is love” and John Lennon said that and he chose Yoko Ono over an endless string of horny groupies, and THAT’s bat-shit crazy.


Also this week Alicia Keys New York song has made me officially no longer dream of living in New York, so I need a new dream city. At the moment I am thinking Minnesota, I heard there is a heat wave there right now and I’m a sucker for a warm climate.


Besides did you know that 20% of New York residents never sleep walk into ongoing traffic – NEVER – that’s no town for me!

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