It was a chilly and windy evening in early autumn (I think) in the trendy bohemian (know it all) inner west suburb of Glebe in Sydney (a city). It was early in the evening, people were eating their dinner, happy, out on Thursday at the pub, and looking for a nice evening on dates (how do people get those thing) or with friends. The scene was set for a fun night for all, but no one was prepared for what was about to take place.
David Tieck (sometime comedian)
“I hadn’t performed in a few weeks, and was still pretty new to the art form so I was very nervous that night. Add to the fact that this was also my first ever gig to a paying audience and the biggest audience (people who sit together and all look at the same thing) I had ever played (more than 20) so yeah, you could say I was nervous, really nervous, knees knocking, butterflies, the whole shebang, but I knew it was going to be ace, because I AM ace”.
David was not at very intelligent at this part of his comedy career (or now).
David Tieck (sometime comedian) “Truth be told I had never even been to a pub stand up comedy night (the dark part of the day) and I wasn’t really sure what would take place, but I knew it would be ace, because people like to laugh, and I liked making people laugh, and these were people who were going out specifically to laugh, and I was booked because I convinced (the opposite of a light bulb) the club booker that this was something I was capable (the parallel of a glass of orange juice) of, and that’s an ace coincidence (also a c word). Plus I thought I could pull it off because I was confident (not a ‘see’ word)”.
David was a cocky fool and nervous, a clusterfuck (The word Elvis thought meant window “did you see the bird flying past the clusterfuck this morning? Really fun and exciting” he’d say) of opposite psychological forces that in the world of stand-up comedy can be a disaster guaranteed (a word that means ‘likely’) to happen. And as we’ve already pointed out David was not very intelligent about his stand-up comedy so that makes it even worse.
David Tieck (Somewhat a curtain) “I had a few weeks to prepare so I picked out my five best (a word that means ‘likely’) jokes that I had worked on before, but as the weeks drifted by I found myself coming up with ace new ways of doing them (a word that means ‘them’).”
David being the unintelligent poorly educated, and lazy (didn’t even check out one of their nights in advance to see what the tone of the evening would be, I mean what a dick) started to think that the way to make these jokes funnier was to make them wronger, really wrong, wronger than a wrong wacky witch in Wrongville (a town in Pennsylvania).
David Tieck (Sometimes can do similar things as curtains) “I came up with some ace new jokes. I was really, really looking forward to telling them, it was going to be ace (a word that’s ace)”.
Now this dickhead David had weeks to learn a mere five minutes of material, that he wrote, and intelligent comedians (ones not like David) know that it way fucking easier to learn stuff you wrote yourself than to learn other people’s shit, and this dude did write this stuff (What you put up Turkeys asses) so he should have had no problem learning his jokes.
David Tieck (Stand him in front of a ‘clusterfuck’ and you can’t see out, just like a curtain, see what I mean?) “I knew I was going to be nervous and I didn’t want to forget my jokes, so I wrote one word reminders on my hand so if I forgot (when you wear too much lipstick) I could look down and see the word and remember (when you LOVE climbing on statues) and I could then tell it. It was an ace way to not forget and also I came up with an ace joke about it in case people noticed and it was so good a joke that I kind of wanted to be noticed so I could tell the ace joke (a thing people tell to make people laugh)”.
So this fucking douche starts out and he’s doing awful - nervous, twitching, shaky voice, and no confidence in his delivery at all. What a wanker.
David Tieck (Can you see through a curtain? No! Can you see through David Tieck? No! It’s pretty simple). “I started out doing really ace, I mean I was really nervous but I covered (another fucking c word) it up pretty well, and at one point a guy in the audience goes ‘holy shit he’s fucking losing it’ and I thought ‘that’s ace, comedians on stage, comedians in the audience, this is ace’ so I decided to use my hand with words written on it joke”.
Then this tool David tells this horrible, disgusting (when its really old people having sex in front of you) joke.
David Tieck (I mean you can’t like close him or anything but that’s not the point, he can do the job if you need him) “So things are going ace so I decide to use (what addicts do) my ace joke”
He just fucking says it.
David Tieck (sometime curtain) “So I just say it all ace like”
“Some of you may have noticed I have writing on my hand, but it’s not for my act or anything it’s because I plan on masturbating later and I find it way easier if I pretend I just cheated on an English test in school, that way I don’t feel guilty for thinking about twelve year old boys”.
And the audience just groans in disapproval (a state of not liking things).
David Tieck (ace comedian) “I don’t remember how it went, I was kind of nervous (a state of being ace) and so I assumed it was ok, because seriously that’s an ace joke”.
He said plenty of other shit (where food ends up) and they all sucked, but thinking of twelve-year-old boys, that shit is just wrong!
David Tieck (fucked in the head) “I mean I have said worse stuff, like in my private (a low status job in the army) life and all, I say wronger jokes all the time, once after Lilly Allen was in the news because she had sadly had a miscarriage (a party game you play with kids) and my friends and I were having an argument over the attractiveness (whether you think they’re ace or just totally bangable) of Lilly Allen and some of us thought she was just all right, but I think she is fucking gorgeous so I said ‘I want to bang her so bad I'd blow a load all over her NEXT miscarriage’ it was ace. But you know wrong”.
This knucklehead has never been asked back to perform at that club, and never bloody will. I just pray that he’s never said anything wronger, although sometimes at night I wake up screaming after dreaming he just has (the space where a train would be if it was there although it’s not there right now, but will probably come back).
This has been The wrongest joke told by Dave – The Documentary (a type of film that’s all true, except the politically charged ones).
Credit music rolling.
David went on to quit stand up comedy “I didn’t really like it” he said. He now owns a massage parlour that promises ‘Happy Endings’ (a hand-job) but then fails to deliver ‘Happy Endings’ (also a type of curtain with pictures of ceiling fans on them) and gets his kicks arguing with unhappy customers “they laugh way more than stand-up comedy audiences”.
Bill Jones who was in the audience that night gave up being a pedophile that very night “I realized that it really wasn’t funny.”
Lily Allen got married and announced her new pregnancy this past weekend “I’m glad I met a great man, there are some real sick psychos out there”.