Thursday, June 16, 2011

Natalie Portman’s Vagina

TV Host: Welcome to ‘Everything Placenta’ the show where we talk about placenta, because why not, it exists, it’s important to the creation of humans, and humans grow up to be people, and some of them are pretty nice, so that’s important people, stop being so queasy and prejudice, what did placenta ever do to you, I’ll tell you what, it allowed you to exist!!!!!!

I am getting a word from my producer Steve to stop berating the audience, so I’ll move on.

Oh yeah, on a lighter note, today is the best day ever! I mean the absolute best, like the awesome. Shut up Steve I am getting on with it. Today is the bestest day ever, but only because something happened yesterday, Natalie Portman gave birth you guys, wow. Hasn’t it seemed like she’s been pregnant for about twelve years?

We have been given a very special interview……

I told you I didn’t want to say that Steve!

Put down the cue card, I’m not saying that.

Ok fine, you wanker, ok…. Ugh… I once charged a bull, but it turned out its battery was already full (silence) see Steve you tool, and I am full of charge to welcome a very, very special guest Natalie Portman’s used placenta!!!!!!!!!!

(Huge applause as a crystal vase filled with Natalie Portman’s used placenta)

TV Host: Thanks for being here, Natalie Portman’s used placenta

Natalie Portman’s used placenta: Thanks for having me, just call me Plenty, not because I’m placenta, but because I’m famous so I’m making…. Plenty of cash!

TV Host: Ha Ha, we should get you writing our introductions!

Plenty: Anytime TV Host

TV Host: Ha Ha, I’m not famous….. (awkward silence) so anyway, how did this all begin for you?

Plenty: Well this one day I just opened my eyes and I felt hazy and disorientated, I had no idea where I was, so I felt around myself and was like eeeeewwwww, what is this white disgusting salty goo all over me?

TV Host: Ha ha, I think I… know what that was?

Plenty: It was pretty traumatic and gross actually TV Host, to tell the truth I was so grossed out that I started puking my guts out only, thing is, when you’re placenta the puke just attaches itself onto you and becomes you and you grow more and more the more you puke.

TV Host: Sounds like the Blob?

Plenty: I later found that wasn't goo but seminal fluid and it was literally the thing that gave me life, I guess I owe it a huge apology!

TV Host: So then what did you do?

Plenty: Well once old mate seminal fluid dripped off me I had a look around and thought ok, it ‘s small and cozy, moist some of the time but not always, and it smelled wonderful ALL THE TIME, and it was so nice that I thought “this is the greatest place on earth” and then I thought “where is the greatest place on earth?” Then it hit me “the greatest place on earth would be inside Natalie Portman’s vagina!”

TV Host: It would be pretty amazing in there!

Plenty: Hell Yeah, after that I couldn't stop singing, “I'm in Natalie Portman’s vagina, I'm in Natalie Portman’s vagina” it was awesome! But then, and I hate to say this, but after a few months, even being in the most wonderful place on earth, it started to get tedious.

TV Host: But you had company?

Plenty: Yeah, this kid started growing around me and at first I was excited but it turned out he was a real brat, he was all “don't you know who I am? My mum was in ‘Star Wars The Phantom Menace’ what have you ever done?” and we ended up having huge fights so I tried to stay silent most of the time.

TV Host: What did you do to pass the time?

Plenty: Well, in the final few months, occasionally the head of an Academy Award would come and play peek-a-boo with me for ten or fifteen minutes, then Natalie’s whole body would shudder and the head of the Academy Award would disappear for a few days…. I looked forward to those days.

TV Host: Awwww, that’s really sweet. So how did it all end?

Plenty: I was having a huge fight with the brat, that idiot thought ‘Your Highness’ was a great follow up to ‘Black Swan’ and I said she needed to follow up with something that WASN’T really crap and instead make more movies like ‘Garden State’ and so we’re screaming at each other then the kid goes “Fuck this place and fuck you” and he just squeezes his way out this tunnel, I tried to follow so I could tell him that doing a movie with Ashton Kutcher is always a bad idea but that sex movie was a disgrace to your mum’s talent but then I found myself sitting back and enjoying a once in a lifetime experience, yep I was literally slowly oozing out of Natalie Portman’s Vagina.

TV Host: Oh my god it sounds AMAZING. What have you been up to since then?

Plenty: Oh you know, I've been doing all the talk shows, I have a photo shoot with Vanity Fair tomorrow lifes...

(David Tieck bursts on the set)

TV Host: Sorry sir, you can’t be here, Steve get this idiot off the set.

David Tieck: Did that thing just say it just oozed out of Natalie Portman’s Vagina?

TV Host: Yes.

David Tieck: Oh my god I need that inside of me.

Plenty: Oh my god what’s happening, put me down, put me down, what’s that a spoon? Don’t put that in me, oh my god, oh my god, nooooooooooo, aaagghhhhaaaghghh!!!

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