Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Today in questions - tears?

Today in Questions - tears 

There are so many answers out there man, but who's asking the questions?  And are they the right questions? It's like there's like so many questions yet to be asked, right? Like, just for an example, what's up with tears man? You know? They come out of the eyes, but if you don't cry where does that water go? Into the brain? And if so can your brain drown? And if so can you give a brain mouth to mouth? And does it taste good? And is it right to wonder how it tastes when a life is at stake? And what if it was a steaks life at stake? And if those tears don't go into the brain how can you be sure the brain isn't overheating? And if it is can a brain evaporate? And if it evaporates does that mean rain is full of brain? And if so how come rain barely even tastes of scalp, let alone brain? And what if you DO cry, and the crying reminds you of sadness, and sadness reminds you of being sad, and remembering being sad leads you to BEING sad, so you end up crying TOO much, so all the water cries out, do you have to water your eyes to replenish the water supply? And how would you even do that? The funnel on most water spouts is probably too wide, can you narrow it? And if you can, what does that say about the water spouts construction? Why would they make the spouts amendable? Why not just do the research into optimal spout to eyeball ratio before going into full scale manufacturing? And what if you did, but the scale itself was off kilter, what does that say about your research department? And how does 'kilter' get completely off the hook here? Is it an escape artist? And if so why the fuck don't we know about this already? You got an established fucking escape artist out there then the public needs to fucking know, right? What if we had an evil kidnapping plot hatching in our brains? How do we know that if the spout we kidnap escapes it won't talk? And if that's because it CAN'T talk, then who the fuck ripped it's voice box out? I didn't even know they HAD voice boxes, why the fucking fuck wasn't I told? Am
I not good enough to be told this shit? I mean fuck you, is that what you think? Cause that makes me want to cry, and what if instead of crying out my eyes, I, I don't know, maybe miraculously developed some sort of 'tear duct'? Would that make me MORE advanced than the robots man? Cause I threw a water balloon at one of those once, and it exploded quietly all over it, and even though the robot had a complete shut down it barely even yelled at me, so who's the real hero? I mean the point is there's a steaks life at stake for fucks sake, has someone called the fucking cops? And if not WHY the fuck NOT? 

You know? 

I mean it's like a yes or no question man.

That's the real question. 

You know man? 

Yes vs no. 

Is the rain full of brain?


That was today in questions. Join us again to cover the next topic, will it be - shin guards? I don't fucking know, stop asking me shit. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Drip Dried Loneliness

Down the road from the malicious witch’s house….

Over near the green fire lake….

Behind the chrome colored lightening shooting tree…

That sits next to the harpoon dropping giant magical robot, the one with the eyes made out of a thousand glued together tiny demons, each of which have been brainwashed to say nothing but a different dirty word over and over at a pitch rarely pleasant, if at ALL pleasant, and with nostrils which are slightly different shaped giving off a facial expression which is hard to read and yet always seems to be signifying some degree of anger, or at the very least pissed-offedness, and with arms which bend backwards in a way that make people who see them immediately suck air through their gritted teeth inwards in empathetic pain as if they have seen two viciously broken arms, until they realize that perhaps the arms were just ATTACHED to the robot on the wrong sides, and yet if you look even closer you realize that they can’t have been put on the wrong sides or else the screws would have had to be bent, and no one is going to go to that much effort, I mean maybe for a good robot, but this robot was evil from the get go, and yet despite this unlikely scenario no one can know for sure because the inventor cannot be located, so no explanation of why the arms we’re designed in such a pain inducing way is available, which is REALLY frustrating for those people who are concerned with such things, and yet completely irrelevant for those who have acid spat in their eyes by the demons, but still even for those with their eyes being melted off are still annoyed by the thought of asking the robot to hand them something, a towel to mop up the liquefied eyes mess for example, only to discover that due to the robots poorly crafted arms it struggles to hand people ANYTHING, which is a infuriating, I mean think about it ‘please hand me the butter?’ you may request of a close acquaintance who is presently located closer to the butter than you are at this given time, well then if the reply came as ‘sorry I have badly designed arms and therefore I struggle to hand people things’, well then you’d have to reach out to get the butter yourself, and did I mention at the time this began you had a warm roll in front of you, a WARM roll, any delay in getting this butter is going to drastically change how enjoyable this roll is, it doesn’t sound like a pleasant experience does it? Plus right after your eyes have been liquefied the LAST thing you want to be thinking about is melting butter. And lets also point out the giant grey beast in the room, if you see this giant robot, you’re immediately going to think ‘wow, next time I have to throw together a rag-tag bunch of football players to play against the local university team in a last ditch effort to save the farm, this robot will be the FIRST guy I pick’, but then you’d get him out on the field and discover that due to his arms he can’t even catch a football satisfactorily, which depending on the variety of football you are talking about in your particular scenario, and which position on that team you choose to play him in, could mean that you’d wasted your first pick on a player who potentially could not perform at level as high as you’d hoped. Plus what if the referee asked it to ‘hand me the ball please?’ Yeah, good luck winning the penalty count in THAT game…

And adjacent to the giant people slurping portal to Dimension Karlilk, known in dimension circles as the place Hell WISHES it could be…

Is where Luke lives.

Luke doesn’t get many visitors these days.

No one is really sure why. 

Hard to eradicate

Here's something not enough people think about often enough: 

"There are few individual grains of sand which have achieved enough in the fields of hairdressing, hair undressing or undressing hairless rug salesmen to raise the profile of things that mostly come in grain like forms to a level of household relevance, and yet MANY individual grains of sand HAVE raised their own individual profiles enough to warrant being personally styled by the hairdressers to the stars, at least for fancy sandwich-press grand openings! Which are events sadly ignored by the press.

Wow. The lessons here are clearly clear. 

'What are they then Dave?'
'What David?'
'You said they were clearly clear so what are they?'
'They're clearly CLEAR, I don't need to  share them, that's what being clearly clear means'
'No, being clearly clear means being so clear you clearly can't be seen, and if I can't see you then of course I need you explained to me'
'But you can see me, you're looking right at me' 
'I know that, but that's not clear'
'Of course it's not, I'm not a ghost you dick, how is that not clear to you?' 
'If it was clear I'd be looking through you, not AT you, you piece of shit'
'No need for name calling you motherfucker'
'Wow, wow, wow'
'Wow what?'
'Wow, this section of dialogue really has NOT made this blog make any more sense than it previously did'
'No it doesn't, but that doesn't explain the above' 
'Which bit of the above?' 
'ALL of it, every last fucking bit' 
'Okay, OKAY, I'll admit it. It doesn't mean ANYTHING, well except the obvious'
'Which is what'
'Sand is stupid'
'Oooohhhh, clearly. I mean shit, fucking hell, just say THAT next time' 
'Sure, of course'
'Cool, thanks, (smiley face)'
'Yay. So is this bit done?'
'I think so'
'Then why are we still talking?'
'I don't know'
'Then stop'
'You stop'
'No YOU stop cunt face'
'Seriously dude, I mean SERIOUSLY, it's pretty clearly clear that that is bad term' 
'I know, I didn't mean it, I just desperately want this section to end'
'So do I'
'Well stop talking then'
'YOU stop talking' 
'No you fucking stop fucking talking'
'No fuck you, you fucking stop fucking talking you fuck'
'Ohhhhhh, yeah, okay, yeah that'll work'
'Yeah I think so too'
'Let's try it'
'Starting when?'
'Now would work'
'Oh oh, you know what would work even better?'
'Starting n........'

Today's blog was brought to you by:

- Hairy sand, you think it hurts YOU to wax your bikini line? Well hairy sand is made up of ONLY bikini line, ouch. And 
- Dialogue sections that fail to either excite, enhance or even slightly explain the nonsense that proceed them. And 
- Decisions. Great decisions, decisions like deciding to walk places more, but also awful decisions, decisions like thinking 'I haven't blogged regularly in ages and I want to get back to it, just start writing something, ANYTHING, you'll find SOMETHING interesting eventually'. And 
- Eventually. A time period clearly not discovered in this particular blog. Wait wait wait 'Clearly clearly' not discovered in this blog, and if you can't see that, then that's what that term means"

Yep, people don't think about the above NEARLY often enough. And you know fucking what? I'm okay with that. 

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Hole lot of hate

Today's sponsor is Buddha Brand Bitumen. 

Are you a bitter angry man or woman? Do you walk down the street with a furrowed brow, and a veiny neck, and scream bloody murder at skateboarders, garbage trucks, and even at the heavens and the meteorite chuckers? Are you pissed off, rage filled, filthily raving mad, aggravated to the point of having a scorn in your heart, livid liverd, wrath wigged, and vexed to the point of being incensed right in your fucking solar-plexus? All because your street has pot holes that the fucking council just won't get around to fixing, I mean do they even know 'what that one hole did to my fucking suspension you piece of shit!' 

Well you need Buddha Brand Bitumen. Then you can fill the fucking holes in yourself you whiny lazy bitch. 

You may have holes in your hate filled soul, but you don't have to have them in your street. 

Buddha Brand Bitumen. 

Buy some today.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Ride em

Thinking is good. I like to think that I think at least once a day. Possibly even twice now that I think about it. And on TOP of that sometimes I even THINK about thinking! 

 I'm serious. 

Oh you think I'm lying? 

Well check this out. I'm PRESENTLY thinking that I like to think that if I were currently smiling at a retired horse saddle on 'official business' the following would also be true: 

- I'd be living in the NOW. I mean obviously, I couldn't be doing that 'currently' if I was living in the nineteen sixties, because I wasn't even born then you idiots. 
- I'd never had anything drop from a tree on my head heavier than a nut, or possibly an antique iron furnace, but UNLIKELY an antique iron furnace, because antique iron furnaces are terrible climbers, and I HATE to be surprised from above by bad climbers. Sure, if you can't climb well then surprise me from below all that you want, you've earned that, but stay out of the damn trees. 
- I'd be on planet earth, or a competitive planet that I'd PERSONALLY signed off on, I'm talking about a serious matter here, I don't need speculation and heresy fucking with the rules of my universe okay, got it!
- I'd currently be employed by a company which sends me on official business I don't yet fully understand, and one that possibly, at least occasionally, sees me deal with horse saddles, or possibly even saddles used on a variety of animals, including, but not limited to - moose, donkey, wildebeest, spider monkeys, Sasquatch, giant robot spider legged bananas, mules, and spiders stepped on by mules. 
- However the special saddle I'm dealing with now would mostly, if not exclusively, have been used by horses. Not that it DEMANDED for it to be that way. I mean it may have even requested to be on a spider that had been stepped on by a mule once or twice, or even a camel that thinks it's a dolphin, even though, ha ha, that's a little implausible, camels don't have thought, but the point is that this saddle has a sense of humor, and a complete lack of prejudice, okay, or else I would NEVER have agreed to be anywhere near it.
- That I got paid per smile, not per thing smiled at.
- That my job would allow me to smile at a VARIETY of things. I mean you can't honestly think I'm going to take a job where I only get paid to smile at one specific thing, I'm not a saddle, I don't even contemplate the implausible. 

Unfortunately however, I'm only presently thinking of thinking of smiling at a rookie saddle. So far from retirement. So much ahead of it. So much of it likely to be painful. That's why my smile is fake. Yet I 'think' that's beautiful. 

Yep thinking is good. Possibly even great. Think on THAT for a while or two...

Speaking of things so true you can take them to the bank, today's blog was sponsored by - light! 

Light, always sneaking through fucking gaps in shit.

Fuck you light! 

Thursday, November 10, 2016

And you think YOU got it bad?

Look you've had a shit week haven't you. Or a great one. Or an average one. I don't know, there's tones of you out there, I can't predict all of your weeks and how they have been in relation to excreetment defication - I can't even spell either of those words, let alone predict them, but I'll tell you this - you think YOU got it bad? Well check this out - I got it bad TOO!

Check that out - we're the same - assuming that you answered yes to that above question, but if not, then I've already explained how I can't possibly predict all your weeks, and I hate having to repeat myself, so I won't tell you again about how I can't predict all of your weeks and their relationship to feces, I won't even HINT at saying that again.

The point is that, hi it's Dave here, CEO, head writer, guy who's never eaten an entire phone booth (the copper wire is too hard to chew), head copper miner, and minding me own business about the copper crises leader of Fleeting Forever, and I got it, and how have I got it? I hear you ask? Bad - that's how. And I'll tell you how...

I fell down this week.

To the ground that is.

Physically I mean.

Like I don't mean metaphorical or anything, I literally fell down.

To the ground.

Here's what happened.

I was jogging along the street, racing from the supermarket to the vet to get back to my girlfriend and my cat, who was only getting a check up (she's fine - the kitty that is vets give medical care to animals, not humans, NEVER humans, EVER), but I'd had to nick out to get a toothbrush for the examination, and I was worried about her so I was running, as I'm not a self-involved person, I'm someone who exclusively thinks of others and never myself, and so when others need me I don't even think about me, I just get what they need and get back to them FAST, with no self thought at all, and I caught a reflection of myself and couldn't help but think 'hey Dave, you're looking pretty rock n roll today, you could be in a band, because you're so cool', as you do, especially when you're looking kind of rock n roll, like perhaps you could be in a band, because you're so cool, on the day you see your reflection.

An eighth of a second later I was on the ground.

My rare self love had cursed my foot to slip and lead my entire body right to the concrete - hard - and sure I got up again, but not before thinking somethings, including but not limited to:

- Holy fuck this is embarrassing, I hope not to many people saw that, DONT come and help if you saw, PLEASE, oh wait I mean...
- Well, just OUCH really said it all if I'm being honest, I didn't NEED to add the fucking.
- But who turns down a fucking, you know what I mean?
- Then again, I'm currently on the ground and in pain, plus very embarrassed.
- Plus don't think TOO much, there's still the original planned list to write for this blog, so don't get stuck on this one too long.
- But seriously OUCH.
- No no no, FUCKING OUCH.
- I won't turn down a fucking.
- What's that red stuff.
- Oh shit, that's from my insides, oh.

Then I got up and bolted back to the vet where I nearly passed out on the floor, and the vet tried to give ME medical attention instead of my kitty, didn't she fucking hear me think to myself on the street for no one to help me please? Some people right?

Three days later and my severe shoulder pain is still kind of sore, and my minor leg pain is still noticeable occasionally, and my hand wound, the source of that red stuff, looks gross when I take the bandaids off, so I don't often, leaving it more moist and wet so that it's healing slower and grosser than need be.

So you think YOU got it bad? YOU don't! I do. Because I fell down. And it hurt please. And that makes me sad. Okay. So sod your shit week you shit heads!!

On the other hand, the fact I fell down this week excites me. And I'll tell you why

- The last time I fell down like this I was like 12, so that means I'm officially a kid again.
- I now no longer have palm prints, so any palm based crimes I need to commit are easy. Like check this out... if I ever want to steal a priceless work of art I can just palm it all the way home, and then when the cops come and find it and say 'you're under arrest', I can yell 'you ain't got nothing on me you damn copper, I don't have a single palm print on that whole painting!!!!' And after a long legal battle I'll probably only get time served! I'm a criminal genius. Woo ha ha!
- I'm in pain, which means I get to complain! Like watch this, I'm going to whine now, it shall be shrill and harsh, but I think you can take it, but if you can't fuck you, I'm the one who got it bad, and fuck you if you think you the one who got it bad - here I go, I'm about to start to whine - 'ouch, ouch, I hurt a bit, ouch, you don't have it bad, I got it bad! Ouch!'
- See, and that didn't hurt your feelings at all, because you feel sorry for me!
- Next time I lose a thimble or so of blood and only nearly pass out I know just the vet to go to!
- And I CAN go to a vet for my medical care, because I think I kinda look like a rock star in reflections sometimes, and rock stars can ANYTHING!
- Even ones that are clearly epic wimps.
- When I hug my cats they now stick to my gross moist hand.

So you think you got it bad, you DON'T, because I'm the one that's got it bad, not cause of the fall thing, because that was ace, but because I'm sick of minding my own business about the copper crises - so that ends now - 'I don't like the crises'. Boom. Now it's your business too. Oh and look now I CAN now also flawlessly spell excretment definicatuon - yay.

See, now don't we all feel better?

And now here is an artists impression of what my hand wound looks like under a microscope:

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Thirty Six - Lighting The Pose

I find success a tough pill to swallow. For one thing the safety packaging of the bottle the pills come in seems particularly hard to open, what so people with deformed lobster hands aren't allowed to get success you dicks?  Then there is that ball of cotton wool in the way for some reason, I get it, you're about to inundate me with praise to the point where I need to put cotton wool in my ears to get a break, but you MUST know that when I see cotton wool it reminds me of the time I cottoned on to the fact that my parents were the adults that lived in my house, and therefore my parents were not the painting on the wall of a small Buddhist horse that was trying to unveil the new headquarters for the secret society of socially awkward actuaries, but was having a dilemma over whether this new center would help or hinder the actuaries efforts to have people feel sorry for them over their social awkwardness, while the small horse was also feeling it's own personal shame at recently discovering that when it was sitting in the lotus position and saying the word 'ohm' the pressure on its groin occasionally made its voice break, which was very embarrassing, and making this discovery made me furious at my parents for not teaching me the fine art of being an actuary until I was almost completely potty trained, those dicks. YES, I'm serious, I thought being an actuary was only a broad art until I was nearly fourteen. 

But then even once you've swallowed this pill you then have the next ordeal of trying to decide which celebratory swear word you want to put before 'yeah' - 'hell', 'shit', 'fuck' would do fine, but when you, like me, coin a new swear every couple of days, the process can be quite difficult. Consider these new swears I coined just in the week before the past week:

- Klant
- Tilp
- Qamvaxinaxe

Disgusting right? So you think I WANT to think about words like that? I don't. That's why for the most part I avoid success. But sometimes you can't avoid it. Like NOW, and this success was BIG! 

'Oh my god' exhaled the manger as he walked in the door and saw what I'd done to his restaurant, as I've already mentioned before, which is in no way NOW. 

And that said it all to me. I WAS a success. So I definitely didn't need to listen to the rest of the praise the manager now yelled and screamed at me. I'm no narcissist, and I assume that most people are yelling and screaming praise at me almost all the time, so I don't even bother to listen to other people most of the time. Besides he kept showing me one single finger, saying non-verbally over and over, almost violently - 'you're number one'. Yep, number one, which is way above god, who most of the time isn't even a number at all, except for occasionally when you're chatting around a camp fire and say to your friends 'imagine if god was the number 12' and for the next few hours everyone can barely speak because they're laughing so hard.

So I still think the manager was definitely overselling god's part in the process, I felt I personally had more to do with it, and yes, my talents may have been God given, but I CHOSE to have them God given! So suck on that manager, you dick. Plus you look a lot like that weirdo in the restaurant library who put a picture of himself with kids in there and then hangs around, so my god you suck, and by 'god' I mean 12!!! Ha ha. Burn.

They looked so alike that they may even be twins - so that makes sense actually, twins are always evil, and if I were evil the FIRST thing I'd do is hang around restaurant libraries - there's tons of cool books in there, sometimes there's old food lying around, its ace, as I always say restaurant libraries are THE oft forgotten wonder chest in a restaurant.

He also said he was going to call the police, which I thought was excessive, I didn't need a police lights, we had fire places. But I could see how he wanted the party atmosphere. 

Still, party lights or not, that was enough for me. I'd done my job. This restaurant was FRESH as NEW, and while the party was sure to be BIG, it wasn't my place to enjoy it, at least not NOW. So that's when I left the restaurant. As I left I did hear the manager said again 'I'm going to call the police', which was nice but excessive, I also didn't need a police escort to get me where I was going, but I said 'go for it' anyway, as I thought maybe the manager just needed someone to tell how awesome things had gotten, and when something awesome happens to me I always call the police to tell them about it.

And so that was it, that was the end of my experience at - Big Fat Juan's Mexican Mexican Mexican! 

So I guess you know what time that makes it time for, where by time I mean in the clock sense, and by clock I mean 'teller of time', in the timeless sense that only certain things can have, things like tennis, professional ant boxing over FIFTEEN rounds, time, and trying to not scrape your knee while trying to find an ant that has both the physique AND the mental fortitude for real ant boxing, and I'm talking about having it in BIG quantities, and talking having it NOW, I mean who has space in their ant boxing gym at the moment, the waiting lists are out of control - that's right, it's time for ratings!

Rating rating rating
Can't be hating 
Won't be taking 
Cause this score I'm making 
Needs my rating 
Rating rating ratingssssss!!!


Big Fat Juan's Mexican Mexican Mexican!
Decor - 10, it's great, I especially like how fire rains on you. 

Staff - 4, wait staff give you cars, but they end up having flat tires, that's not great.
Food - 5, for Icelandic food its great, but Icelandic food isn't particularly good, I'll take a draw burrito any day.

Name - 9, AWESOME name, but a tad weird for an Icelandic joint - so I had to deduct a point. 

Cloak room - 1

Fresh properly sea harpooned whale meat - 0

So there you go. 

Thanks for reading my first BIG and NOW restaurant review - it been my life long goal for SO long to get into restaurant reviews, at LEAST three weeks, and it's been a BIG goal, so it's great to get to achieve it NOW.

I'm hoping to get one of my reviews picked up by Yelp or Trip Advisor or the like one day, I love their reviews, LOVE them, and I would KILL have the chance - so if you own one of those sites PLEASE let me put up a review, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, where by 'please' I mean 'I'll owe you', and by 'please' I mean 'and I'll follow through on that' and by 'please' I mean 'don't make me stab you'. Also if you want me to review YOUR restaurant, contact me NOW, and I'll be BIG time semi-thankful, and if you don't want me to, then you're a dick! 

Sure writing a review on Yelp or the like may just be a pipe dream, but if you don't have pipe dreams how can you even dream of having pine dreams? Not that you'll ever achieve those, pine is hard to find, except in furniture stores, forests and air fresheners, and what kind of phyco wants their air 'freshened', fresh air is what criminals come up for once they've been on the lamb for a while, and lambs STINK! 

                       THE END 


*Short for 'concluded', you know, to save time writing out the whole word 'concluded', because I REFUSE to be one of those restaurant reviewers write more than necessary, and who ramble on, and are overly repetitive, I'm going to FRESH and NEW, and I so refuse to do that NOW, and in a BIG way! Hence the name of my review site, which is BIG and NOW, and you can't refuse to being repetitive without refusing to be it BIG time, and starting NOW! 

*By the way, after I left, I went to visit my mate Kev in the hospital. He was of course full of praise of me. But this time for different reasons than normal. 
Kev, it turned out, had been declared the local hospitals eight hundredth stab victim of the year (it's a bad area, there's just no money for things people need for some reason, so crime is rife) and for being eight hundredth they gave him a prize of ten million dollars. He used some to break the locks on my old house and I got to move back in, so I'm not homeless anymore! 

Kev recovered from his stab wounds 
and went on to became the actor Kevin bacon, I like to think he chose the stage name 'bacon' to remember our restaurant visiting days, and as such I'm pretty sure he owes me, because Bacon was also his birth surname name, so that was very convenient for him, if we had of gone to petting zoos or something instead of restaurants he'd have had to completely change it to honor me. 

*Ol' Herb lives with me too now. And remarkably he understands EVERY metaphor the ghost monkeys' say. Plus he's befriended them so they no longer have to live in burlap sacks. 

*As for me, NOW that I live in my house again, I don't have to spend my money bribing other bums not to stab me! I used the money to invest in a dictionary, well make that two, I gave one to the restaurant. So the manger didn't even need to get fired! 

Oh and I found out what dilly dally means too - it means to 'not dally ones dilly'. What a relief.

*The ball of cotton went on to be promoted to being cue-tip and is awaiting its next job assignment, it secretly is looking forward to going in an ear, once again proving cotton is suicidal, and therefore success is overrated. 

*The lamb went on to have its tail cut off! Now monkeys, lemurs and girls dressed as catwoman for Halloween all make fun of it. 

*As for me again, I personally spent the next six months trying to discover the meaning of 'Willy nilly' this was because:

- I didn't know what 'willy' meant
- I didn't know what 'nilly' meant
- I didn't know what 'Willy nilly' meant. And 
- I was NOT going to let someone throw a phrase like that at me just casually without much thought! 

The search for the meaning was a grand adventure, perhaps I'll tell it one day, it'd probably be a BIG seller, but it won't be NOW, because I'm focused on restaurant reviews, so stay tuned, exciting things are to come, where by 'exciting' I mean 'exciting', and that's the type of excitement that's BIG and NOW! 

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Thirty Five - Peaks of Gruff

I was resting on my laurels when the activity began. 'My laurels' being my name for my regular 'I've earned it, morning Bloody Mary', 'resting' being what I call 'sipping', 'Bloody Mary' being what I call a tall glass of iced water, and 'iced water' being what I call 'virgin snow blended with goat memories'. So I was a tad out of breath by the time it began, out of breath from climbing the mountain to get the virgin snow, and from following a goat around for a while so I'd know the type of things it would typically remember. But even if I hadn't made these minor sacrifices for a delicious refreshing beverage, my breath still would have been taken away, this time by amazing things. 

The procession of amazing events began at the crack of dawn, which amazingly I heard at the exact same time as I smacked my head on the full sized replica Icelandic Viking ship I had built by hand and had hanging upside down next to the kitchen. Hearing that crack of dawn was awful, it felt like being sledge hammered in the head, no wonder being a morning person is considered one of the most stupid things you can be called, and yet conversely I didn't feel the head smacking at all, which makes me wonder why head butting upside down Icelandic Viking ships isn't a popular high-school after school hobby? 

Consider this important yet significant list of major events that were amazing and major and also majorly amazing that took place before the manager even bothered to show up and for some reason incorrectly credit God with the glory that awaited him, seriously BIG events that would be sure to be talked about for eons, eons including the eon we're presently in NOW: 

- A truck came down the back alley.

- Two men got out.

- They were wearing overalls.

- They stole the garbage.

- This made me sad for magic, which normally is what makes garbage miraculously disappear while we're asleep.

- Which made me realize that magic must not be real anymore.

- Which made me both happy and sad. Happy because I've never liked magic. Sad because I've never liked magic, and I feel like that means I've missed out on a good part of life, possibly even a magical part of life.

Yep, all those amazing things really happened. But NOW, with magic seemingly eradicated from the world, the amazing things ended, and the day began to take a slow almost monotonous turn for a while. Although stuff still happened, most of it just not amazing.
Like a squirrel, a fox, a wallaby, a wildebeest, a robot red panda that was disguised as a Belgium waffle, and a mouse came by. But not at the same time obviously. I mean, but imagine if they did, ha ha, that would be awesome! If you can't imagine it then at least imagine imagining it. See how cool it would be, a wallaby and a mouse in the same place at the same time! They don't even speak the same language, their conversation would be really awkward! Ha ha, we could laugh and everything. 

Oh and the scientistic community came by, they were up in arms due to pandemonium the artificial whale had created, and when the arms came down, the scientists were still up, this time in inquisitiveness, which was something no scientist had ever felt before, leading to much discussion, theorizing, posturing, theory testing, postulating, sitting in chairs with bad posture, back pain, ultimately acupuncture, and hilarious chats on what it would be like if instead of acupuncture the particular acupuncturist they were seeing instead needled people with tomes of the anti-Christ, discussion on why exactly the scientists laughing thought that was funny, given that anti-Christ and acupuncture are vastly different things that share almost nothing in common, except that regular-Christ was nailed to wood, which is sort of like EXTREME acupuncture if you think about it, thinking being what scientists love to do, which lead to much theorizing on the nature of thought, which lead to endless possibilities, programmable hopes, mission statements, prophesizing, profiting and even several pregnancies, before someone finally pointed out that 'indecisiveness' was the thing that scientists had never felt before, not 'inquisitiveness,' they experience inquisitiveness all the time, especially at make your own taco parties, hard or soft shell, which one will Dr. Shnazberg pick this time??? 

Oh yeah, and with the scientists gone, embarrassed by their silly error, and slinking into the night, where by 'night' they meant 'morning', although if the scientists had THEIR way, they'd be one and the same, next to come by, obviously, were the modern-day-dandies, a sub-culture group who's motto is 'why do people think we like dandelions, we DON'T, got it??' As usual they were hiding in the long dark shadows cast by the scientists long white coats. After overhearing that a new night was being postulated. Night being what they adore, 'can't grow dandelions at night, can ya?' You'll hear them regularly scream, often following it up with 'and we DON'T like dandelions, got it? Why do people think we do?' Unfortunately, upon hearing that once again this proposed new night was merely just a proposal, they set their minds to creating crazed revengeful chaos, as is often the modus operandi of their attention seeking agenda, and as such they were determined to have artificial whale declared an endangered bird to be called a Fruit Numbed Burgundy Kingfisher, and they were right, as a bird it was very rare, and super shit at flying. I personally took six artificial whales to the roof and hurled them off, and only one of them managed to fly all the way to the other side of the carpark, and even then it less 'flew' and more 'bounced'. That is bounced off the guy screaming 'ah man, why's there blubber all over my suit, I'm so fucking sick of people throwing fucking whales off buildings Willy Nilly, can't we just, as a fucking courtesy, at least send out a Facebook invite for this shit, so I can put on hazmat suit and enjoy watching that blubber fly, fucking dicks!' Luckily I was able to call in a favor at my old work and have this new bird's existence officially denied, and for a second time in the same day I was able to eradicate all world wide whaling. I'm a true hero of the people.

Soon after that an alien ship landed, but it turns out aliens aren't beings at all, but are merely beams of light, so I was able to stop the alien invasion with a mirror, probably saving all humans from death, or possible even having to look into said light for a moment and then have that annoying thing where everywhere you look there's like a flash of light in your vision for a few seconds. Suck on that aliens.

While I had the mirror out I decided to look in the mirror for the first time in years, but a freakish monster looked back upon me, with all sorts of unexplained weird wounds all over it, as it turns out that the aliens had been able to use their alien powers to change mirrors to make us look ugly, so if you've looked in the mirror recently and not liked what you saw, don't worry it was just the aliens, you look fine, possible even swell, and by discovering this I have now been able to cure all worldwide displeasure at ones appearance.

And that's when the mundane portion of the day reached its conclusion, and right then the manager stuck his head in the door, 'oh my god' he exhaled and when he said that, it meant BIG stuff, stuff that was happening NOW! 

To be ended, completely, and shortly*
*And by shortly I mean possibly really soon, and/ or in due course*

*Speaking of courses during the day a shark was hanging around shaking in its boots at the fear that with worldwide whaling eradicated sharks would be next, eventually I told him 'I don't have time to eradicate sharks, you selfish dick'. Plus maybe you should worry about the fact, that as a shark, wearing boots is impractical and may slow your swimming speeds down! He took my advice and has since become a shark Olympics gold medalist in obstacle courses AND equestrian! 

*By the way, what does willy nilly even mean, people shouldn't just throw these terms out randomly without providing a dictionary, dicks! 

*And by people I don't mean goats, but trust me, goats think about people a LOT, and those memories are freaking delicious. 

Monday, October 24, 2016

Thirty Four - Don't forget to breathe back in

'Oh my god' exhaled the manager as he walked in.

If I didn't ALREADY know I had succeeded, NOW I certainly did, however I DID already know I had succeeded, and in a BIG way, and where by 'succeeded' I meant in the area of 'success', the forgotten area. I mean how often are you at the mall looking at the map for an area to hide a jar of air sourced from a different mall just to blow peoples minds, only to find 'success area' isn't even listed on said map? Weekly? Twice weekly? Well it's not there because you have to create your OWN success area! That's some wise words of ancient Chinese wisdom from me to you! And it's great advice for the following reasons:

- It's wise.
- I came up with it.
- It doesn't even MENTION scandal riddled bouquets of roses.
- But if it HAD have mentioned scandal riddled bouquets of roses, they would have been scandals that would make the soot on a chimney sweep spray all over the roof and walls with the extreme force of swiftness that can only come from the hairs all over his body standing up like trees in a place where trees grow really, really straight, and grow really, really fast, and this scandal would have been riddled, riddled like the home of said chimney sweep who clearly sweeps naked, based on how much soot sprays off him when he hears about epic scandals, and in this case riddled with young maidens desperate to be the one who gets to scrub the rest of the soot off his naked body.
- Because there is nothing young maidens love more than a dirty mind.
- And seeing as few men have those, a dirty body is a perfect replacement, perfect in the perfection stakes!
- And whenever you get advice that hints at straight trees I say build a tree house in them as soon as possible!
- Plus I ONLY come up with advice that IS wise.
- And I did come up with this advice.
- As I mentioned above.
- Above like where trees try to reach, that's right, we're already places trees only DREAM of reaching!

It had taken many hours, far too many to count, possibly even as many as three, but I had managed to get the place more than ready for an all Icelandic grand re-opening at dawn. And by the time the manager came in and said 'oh my god' this grand re-opening had already happened that morning, and you better believe it had been an instant triumph.

Sure the restaurant didn't typically open until dinner, (due to the twenty four hour darkness, and bitter cold, and lack of food options that taste even barely palatable, that's the only meal they eat in Iceland) so they had no customers, but it didn't stop lots of people coming by, and activity happening hard, and this activity was BIG news, and it happened NOW, in this case where by NOW, I mean NOW in the before sense, before the manger came in obviously, but it was activity at affected things NOW, this time NOW being the actually NOW!

*Said activity to be revealed shortly*

*Speaking of things that are short in the opposite sense, while you're in your treehouse, lay off eating too many bugs, some of those are down to the last few million of their species, I'm out there eradicating the eradication of species, you could at least do your part you dicks.

*Also if you're going to go around malls blowing minds, bring a towel please, when you make a mess* of someone else's property they sometimes call you a 'dick' and NO ONE ever wants to be called that!

*Speaking of messy things, the next part includes sharks, 'oh my god' I hear your exhale, well buckle in, the next part is going to include so many 'oh my gods' that God him/her/itself may well say 'that's my cue' and when god says something THAT profound you know the world will notice!

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Thirty three - Here they all come

I constructed a plan to allow me to start construction work immediately, with the plan mostly consisting of constructing a plan to just go ahead and start construction right away. Figuring out how to do this obviously look a little time, but after only an hour or two I had a brain wave - and then I took my head out of the microwave and just decided to start doing it, and where by 'it' I mean follow through on the plan I had constructed, where in this case the 'plan' consisted mostly of just starting the construction. 

Soon I was deep into it. I had work to do, and I had to do it NOW, and I had a BIG headache, so that also meant I wanted to get it over and done with NOW, and in a BIG way.

First I needed BIG forearms, luckily earlier that day I had cut my forearms out and replaced them with tire rubber I stole from a car in the carpark. This was later going to cause me BIG trouble, obviously, as it turned out it was the car I'd been given earlier, and I was going to have to put on the spare and get the old one fixed, which took three hours out of one of my days off. Dicks. But for now the new forearms were perfect. If I'd ever seen anyone else with them I'm sure I'd have started a trend.

Next step was building some lovely fire places. Some dick had spilled a huge fish-tank all over the floor, so I thought better of trying to get a fire going there, and decided instead to build them on the ceiling, luckily this was perfect, as I could still only look up, and Iceland's way up anyway, unless you're somewhere further north than Iceland, in which case it's down there, but after an hour or so reading a book called 'Employee Evaluations' in the restaurant library I became convinced that if there had have been an atlas I could have figured out where we were, and I bet it would be south of Iceland. I mean when I spat the spit went DOWN, not up, and landed right on the face of the woman in picture with that weirdo who was hanging around the library early.

Next I had to install the all ice floors, which turned out to be easy, as some genius had already spilled a huge fish-tank on the floor, leaving it all wet, so all I had to do was kneel down on it, which was easy as I'd recently started a trend by having my knee caps replaced with knee berets, so it was soft, and then all I had to do was imagine the icy reception I planned to give Kev next time I saw him. Which made me feel sad that our friendship faced a brief blip. And when I'm sad I hide in walk-in freezers. And when I hide in walk-in freezers I get scared of the dark so I leave the door open. And after only a few hours the whole restaurant, floor included, had frozen. 

My tooth was throbbing hard now, so I knew I was in danger, danger of making this spectacular! I just had to keep going. 

I made the menus out of plastic that looked edible, so no one would have to feel bad about accidentally inferring that they planned to eat the menu, yet I made sure to leave fragments of cockroach flesh in the mix, so most would probably only eat two or three menus before deciding to eat the restaurant food after all. 

NOW I used my keen observation skills to observe that in life lots of times people aren't that observant, and therefore they may be dumb, BIG time dumb, but at our restaurant we wouldn't make them feel that way, we'd treat people RIGHT, so luckily I was able to invent a desert that I coined 'an ancient Chinese cookie of wisdom', which were brilliant for several reasons, such as:

- I invented them
- They were wise 
- They were purely Icelandic (as this was now an ALL Icelandic restaurant, so they had to be)
- They were FRESH and NEW and super original
- Because I invented them 

Then I hung curtains in front of every doorway, how could we possibly treat people as right as they deserved if they didn't feel trapped inside for hours on end under fear of dealing with a fight with a foe as brutal as a curtain? Treating people right takes time!

All I needed now was whales, for their bones, flesh, husks, lips, gallbladders, excellent company, friendly demeanors, teeth, imagination, and because they were BIG, and every restaurant needs something BIG, and most of them need it NOW! 

Luckily all of my blood all over the place from my stomach wound had began to attract sharks - which attracted killer whales - which attracted other whales to see what the fuss was - which attracted a team of scientists - which attracted the media - whom the sharks then ate - which made the scientists hungry - which made them look around for something to eat - which made the whales nervous - which reminded the scientists of trying to talk to girls - which made them sad - which made them want to eat even more - which made the whales even more nervous - which made the scientists feel sort of sorry for them - so they quickly developed an artificial whale product that scientifically made exact whale replicas without ever needing to hurt a single whale - and by launching it in this restaurant we promised to eradicate world wide whaling! 

Next I just needed to know what would happen next, and luckily I had my sketchbook of 'Things I suspect  will probably happen next, and that suspicion is often sourced by clues, therefore I'm probably right' visual diary - and as I consulted it I used my keen powers of observation to observe that in all the drawings I had done in the last hour or so I had a smile on my face. This was good. This was very good. And by 'very' I meant 'extremely', and by 'good I meant 'not bad'. Yep we were in for a BIG morning, and the sunrise out the window suggested morning was NOW! 

To be fin*

*which is short for 'finished', to save the time typing the whole word 'finished' out 

*By the way, before I finish, have I mentioned how good scientists are?

*They're really* good, that how good they are! 

*And by 'really' I mean 'really, really'.