Truth so good you could bottle it

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Today was an intriguing day everybody. Woo hoo.

Because, you see, I discovered the truth behind bottle caps!

“Woo hoo. Finally!” I hear you yell, in your beautiful throaty cheers right from your beautifully throaty thoughts.

But it gets even better.  

This truth I’ve discovered was not just the mild truth. No way, no how, I discovered the spicy truth.

“Woo hoo. Fantastical” I hear you squeal, in your beautiful glass shattering whelp, right from your beautifully whelpy brains.

But it get’s even better.

This truth I discovered was not just not the mild truth but also not just the spicy truth, because the level of fire in this spice was super fiery and this fire came in a convenient saucy sauce.

“Woo hoo. Fantabulous” I hear you shriek, in that suddenly brain damagingly piecing way, right from your brain damagingly piecing brains.

You see this isn’t any kind of truth. No no no.

This is the kind of truth that if you drank a bottle of it, you’d want to hope you were filming it for you-tube, or elsewhere in the video sharing interwebs that could be considered similar, and you would damn hope that you’d get a lot of views for drinking that much fiery sauce of truth. And yet you decided to do it on a street corner? Are you mad? Good luck getting lots of views filming it from there. Unless it’s a super busy street corner. Which of course almost all are. God damn traffic!

This is the kind of truth that if you snorted a field of it, you’d want to hope aliens were watching you, readying to attack, only to think “hmmmm, those are some damn strong nostrils, that can snort up a whole field of ANYTHING, and seeing as we are aliens which are made of nothing but wafting freshly baked cookie clouds, maybe we should consider another day for the attack, perhaps when this bad ass motherfucker gets a cold, or at least is on a strict ‘no smelling cookie wafts diet’, which I heard actually is great for shifting weight, just as long as you don’t go near a mall where they have a freshly baked cookie kiosk, and why on earth would you ever visit a mall without one? My god, why on earth indeed. Let’s fuck off to a better planet, this one is fucked. Damn god damn dieters.

THIS is the kind of truth that if you ever even considered filling a pool with it, and then demonstrating your new found love of sitting in a sauna for so long, that you become so dehydrated that your skin become stiff like the skin of a pig that’s been basted over a fire pit for six months, because intruders came and stole the pants of all those at the luau and everyone is starving, but way too self-conscious to eat in front of a group with no pants, and so everyone is desperately attempting to bully their leg hairs into growing into the shape of perfect shorts, and then hope to pretend to be a top half human, bottom half monkey, that’s shaved it’s legs below the knee, in hope of passing itself off as a top half human, first half of bottom half monkey, and bottom half of bottom half human, so it can eat some fucking pig without anyone looking at it weird, and then you hope to take that disgusting dehydrated thick rash you claim is your skin, and dive in and with plans to soak it in said pool, hoping it would then suck up all that sweet, sweet liquid and you could finally be credited with discovering a new way of cramming liquid into a body, and finally one which is dominated by something other than some gross orifice sucking shit up? But are you crazy? As if the lifeguard will let you dive in? There is a clear ‘no diving sign’; do you really think you can get past that kind of epic security? God damn fucking god damn rule sticklers.

“Woo hoo. Fanfuckutabalicous” I hear you bellow, right from the depths of some hollow part of your body which is so seriously deep that you should be worried that your beautiful brain is on tour down there, I mean we all like to see our brains go on tour from time to time, but stay safe please.

That’s right. The bottle cap truth has been found. By me. Right here. Right now. In all it’s glory.

So yeah, BOTTLE CAPS, guess what…

 The truth is, that it turns out, that they go best on… bottles!

Woo hoo. Fabulociticy.

Don’t you just love it when things make perfect sense!

Breaking News - Exclusive PROOF of intergalactic Aliens being in America, that literally goes all the way to the TOP!

#BreakingNews #Exclusive #Aliens

If you look at North America from space it is CLEAR and OBVIOUS that the USA is wearing a Great Lake hat saying 'PC' like a tiny French Beret! 

Here is some more undeniable undoctored photographic evidence:

You can see it from this angle.

You can see it when it's warm but the lakes are cold.

You can even see it when it's cold but the lakes are warm. 

So what does this mean? Well Clearly Trump is NOT in bed with Russia after all, but rather in a nice cool futon with Politically Correct obsessed French Intergalactic Aliens that like to swim, but probably only right in the heart of summer, unless they like cold water, which they might! 

This raises some particularly important and scary questions:

 

- Why have the Aliens stamped this one great nation with this such epically polarizing PC label? 

- Can we build a wall to keep THEM out, and can the people of the cloud nations be made to pay for it? 

- Just how involved were the French Canadians in the lakes construction? 

- Is there any good fishing that way, and if so anyone know any good flight deals? 

- And does wearing your tiny beret on the top right rather than the top left make you gay? 

We'll hear more from this to come I'm sure. In the meantime stay tuned to Brave Dave's Brave New News for more exclusives, depending on whether I procrastinate on Google earth again later, or possible even if the PC loving aliens get mad at me for that 'gay' question above!

In the meantime watch out for clear space aliens in your neighborhood. They may look like this:

Or they may look like this:

But either way, we know a couple of things for sure, they're real, they're PC, and they mean business, and the scariest type of business there is - LAKE business!

Thirty Five - Peaks of Gruff

I was resting on my laurels when the activity began. 'My laurels' being my name for my regular 'I've earned it, morning Bloody Mary', 'resting' being what I call 'sipping', 'Bloody Mary' being what I call a tall glass of iced water, and 'iced water' being what I call 'virgin snow blended with goat memories'. So I was a tad out of breath by the time it began, out of breath from climbing the mountain to get the virgin snow, and from following a goat around for a while so I'd know the type of things it would typically remember. But even if I hadn't made these minor sacrifices for a delicious refreshing beverage, my breath still would have been taken away, this time by amazing things. 

The procession of amazing events began at the crack of dawn, which amazingly I heard at the exact same time as I smacked my head on the full sized replica Icelandic Viking ship I had built by hand and had hanging upside down next to the kitchen. Hearing that crack of dawn was awful, it felt like being sledge hammered in the head, no wonder being a morning person is considered one of the most stupid things you can be called, and yet conversely I didn't feel the head smacking at all, which makes me wonder why head butting upside down Icelandic Viking ships isn't a popular high-school after school hobby? 

Consider this important yet significant list of major events that were amazing and major and also majorly amazing that took place before the manager even bothered to show up and for some reason incorrectly credit God with the glory that awaited him, seriously BIG events that would be sure to be talked about for eons, eons including the eon we're presently in NOW: 

- A truck came down the back alley.

- Two men got out.

- They were wearing overalls.

- They stole the garbage.

- This made me sad for magic, which normally is what makes garbage miraculously disappear while we're asleep.

- Which made me realize that magic must not be real anymore.

- Which made me both happy and sad. Happy because I've never liked magic. Sad because I've never liked magic, and I feel like that means I've missed out on a good part of life, possibly even a magical part of life.

Yep, all those amazing things really happened. But NOW, with magic seemingly eradicated from the world, the amazing things ended, and the day began to take a slow almost monotonous turn for a while. Although stuff still happened, most of it just not amazing.

Like a squirrel, a fox, a wallaby, a wildebeest, a robot red panda that was disguised as a Belgium waffle, and a mouse came by. But not at the same time obviously. I mean, but imagine if they did, ha ha, that would be awesome! If you can't imagine it then at least imagine imagining it. See how cool it would be, a wallaby and a mouse in the same place at the same time! They don't even speak the same language, their conversation would be really awkward! Ha ha, we could laugh and everything. 

Oh and the scientistic community came by, they were up in arms due to pandemonium the artificial whale had created, and when the arms came down, the scientists were still up, this time in inquisitiveness, which was something no scientist had ever felt before, leading to much discussion, theorizing, posturing, theory testing, postulating, sitting in chairs with bad posture, back pain, ultimately acupuncture, and hilarious chats on what it would be like if instead of acupuncture the particular acupuncturist they were seeing instead needled people with tomes of the anti-Christ, discussion on why exactly the scientists laughing thought that was funny, given that anti-Christ and acupuncture are vastly different things that share almost nothing in common, except that regular-Christ was nailed to wood, which is sort of like EXTREME acupuncture if you think about it, thinking being what scientists love to do, which lead to much theorizing on the nature of thought, which lead to endless possibilities, programmable hopes, mission statements, prophesizing, profiting and even several pregnancies, before someone finally pointed out that 'indecisiveness' was the thing that scientists had never felt before, not 'inquisitiveness,' they experience inquisitiveness all the time, especially at make your own taco parties, hard or soft shell, which one will Dr. Shnazberg pick this time??? 

Oh yeah, and with the scientists gone, embarrassed by their silly error, and slinking into the night, where by 'night' they meant 'morning', although if the scientists had THEIR way, they'd be one and the same, next to come by, obviously, were the modern-day-dandies, a sub-culture group who's motto is 'why do people think we like dandelions, we DON'T, got it??' As usual they were hiding in the long dark shadows cast by the scientists long white coats. After overhearing that a new night was being postulated. Night being what they adore, 'can't grow dandelions at night, can ya?' You'll hear them regularly scream, often following it up with 'and we DON'T like dandelions, got it? Why do people think we do?' Unfortunately, upon hearing that once again this proposed new night was merely just a proposal, they set their minds to creating crazed revengeful chaos, as is often the modus operandi of their attention seeking agenda, and as such they were determined to have artificial whale declared an endangered bird to be called a Fruit Numbed Burgundy Kingfisher, and they were right, as a bird it was very rare, and super shit at flying. I personally took six artificial whales to the roof and hurled them off, and only one of them managed to fly all the way to the other side of the carpark, and even then it less 'flew' and more 'bounced'. That is bounced off the guy screaming 'ah man, why's there blubber all over my suit, I'm so fucking sick of people throwing fucking whales off buildings Willy Nilly, can't we just, as a fucking courtesy, at least send out a Facebook invite for this shit, so I can put on hazmat suit and enjoy watching that blubber fly, fucking dicks!' Luckily I was able to call in a favor at my old work and have this new bird's existence officially denied, and for a second time in the same day I was able to eradicate all world wide whaling. I'm a true hero of the people.

Soon after that an alien ship landed, but it turns out aliens aren't beings at all, but are merely beams of light, so I was able to stop the alien invasion with a mirror, probably saving all humans from death, or possible even having to look into said light for a moment and then have that annoying thing where everywhere you look there's like a flash of light in your vision for a few seconds. Suck on that aliens.

While I had the mirror out I decided to look in the mirror for the first time in years, but a freakish monster looked back upon me, with all sorts of unexplained weird wounds all over it, as it turns out that the aliens had been able to use their alien powers to change mirrors to make us look ugly, so if you've looked in the mirror recently and not liked what you saw, don't worry it was just the aliens, you look fine, possible even swell, and by discovering this I have now been able to cure all worldwide displeasure at ones appearance.

And that's when the mundane portion of the day reached its conclusion, and right then the manager stuck his head in the door, 'oh my god' he exhaled and when he said that, it meant BIG stuff, stuff that was happening NOW! 

To be ended, completely, and shortly*

*And by shortly I mean possibly really soon, and/ or in due course*

*Speaking of courses during the day a shark was hanging around shaking in its boots at the fear that with worldwide whaling eradicated sharks would be next, eventually I told him 'I don't have time to eradicate sharks, you selfish dick'. Plus maybe you should worry about the fact, that as a shark, wearing boots is impractical and may slow your swimming speeds down! He took my advice and has since become a shark Olympics gold medalist in obstacle courses AND equestrian! 

*By the way, what does willy nilly even mean, people shouldn't just throw these terms out randomly without providing a dictionary, dicks! 

*And by people I don't mean goats, but trust me, goats think about people a LOT, and those memories are freaking delicious. 

Fifteen - Shaking Answers From The Sky

Jeremy Pondasy, a slightly pensive salesman of pansies, originally from Pulsy in Pindfay County, was living a great life. Most times when he bought something he was happy with the price, he hadn't been to the paradise of Tahiti once he'd been there twice, he had a wife named Glice, named after her mother's pet mice, his kids had hair lice, and the hair lice had made thousands of dollars betting on dice, the last time someone had attacked him with a knife he hadn't been stabbed, he'd merely been sliced, and he'd stolen the thousands of dollars from the lice and bought lots of nutmeg, which is a really nice spice. Which are all things almost anyone can have, but he also had the one thing everyone REALLY wants - a fun hobby. 

Unfortunately for him his hobby was really stupid. 

It was trying out different Japanese restaurants in his town. And as we all know almost all Japanese restaurants have strict 'no outside nutmeg' rules. Also his town had no Japanese people, so the local Japanese restaurants were mostly run by men who worked at the local quarry, who had learned to prepare Japanese food off a visiting astronaut who had crashed in the quarry hole and begged them not to turn him in to the local scientists at the university and then had used his green fingers to to turn seventeen rocks into tuna fish. 

I visited one of these Japanese restaurants myself one day. And I witnessed Jeremy on the unfortunate day that he inexplicably found a rock in his Cucumber and Ear of cloned Alien Seaweed Roll. Which normally isn't a big deal. But get this, he MADE a big deal about it! He even complained! Over something so tiny! I mean what a dick.

But the incident gave me an idea, and ideas fuel my scheme brain, and my scheme brain alighted my plan objective region of my brain, which was exposed because I had recently rented it out to the local scientists at the university for them to use as some weird sort of 'splicing with the green man clone efforts' or some crap. Who pays attention to these things? Who cares, I got twenty bucks.

When ideas hit you have to grab them NOW and blow them up BIG, or else they float away and get turned into butterflies, and I don't like butterflies, they remind me of birds, especially when birds are eating them, so I jumped on it, and just eight months later put it into action. 

My idea was to copy him and to start a new trend of eating bowls of rocks for meals, something that once I started, I attacked with a gusto, aplomb and a desire to be aplomb in in the gusto department. 

I ate bowls of rocks for breakfast, lunch, dinner, food between meals and even for snacks. Soon I was eating so many bowls of rocks that I was on a first name basis with the owners of all the local rock restaurants.

Fun fact: Most restaurants ARE rock restaurants, they just don't put their rock dishes on the menu because as they'd tell me 'we only sell rocks to people special enough to seek them out'. Sometimes so few people are seeking them that the restaurants seem unprepared and end up having to dig for rocks in the garden, that's how special these dishes are. 

Now why am I telling you this? I'll tell you why, because it was during one of my rock meals that something hit me, and it hit me BIG and right THEN, which at the time was NOW! 

While I'd been busy spreading this awesome new trend I'd forgotten that I was supposed to be developing a special new skill to be able to spot danger BEFORE it got me, and I NEEDED that skill, and I needed it THEN, which also was NOW at the time, and I also needed it NOW, which is NOW at THIS time. 

Just then. As I remembered. A miracle struck me. Striking me so hard that if there were ten of me and the miracle was a bowling ball I'd have been struck hard enough for it to be a strike, or maybe one of those nine pin knock downs that make you scream 'how was that not a strike you dicks!' And I knew it was a miracle because it was FRESH and NEW and came unexpected and completely out of the blue - that's right, inexplicably one of my teeth began to throb. And I knew immediately that a throbbing tooth would be an EXCELLENT danger detector. 

God had given me a gift. And he'd given it to me by letting me just decide to have it. Still I needed to double check that this was real.

'God' I cried out-loud in the loudest voice I could get out 'if this is my danger detector then please let my tooth continue to throb right now!' 

I paused.

I took stock.

I sold that stock on the black market.

Then I paused again.

My tooth was still throbbing, this WAS it! 

Then I paused again.

'Oh wait, God, is this throb a throb to answer my question, or is it to answer my question AND to let me know I'm CURRENTLY in danger, if it's the latter have it remain throbbing?' I screamed louder than a heavy metal concert played by an all steam train band, you know, you because you have to, Gods WAY up there.

I paused.

I took more stock.

I decided I didn't have the time to nick off to the black market to sell it, so I tried to sell it back to the restaurant.

Then the restaurant threw me out violently.

And as I sat on the pavement bruised and bloodied, I realized, my tooth WAS still throbbing, and I HAD been in danger! Danger of being inexplicably thrown out! 

This was BIG. And it was happening to me NOW! 

To be explained more* 

*Speaking of more, I'm dying to try more of those Cucumber and Alien Ear Seaweed Rolls by the way, there is an inexplicable familiar and comforting taste to those things, almost like a part of them is coming home*

*And where home is YUM, not two times but thrice. 

Awww - A poem

Ghurg, a visiter from Frhjkeerger, in the skyslu Galaxy a couple of light years east of the Milky Way, was catching a suburban train in Sydney for the first time since he arrived on earth.

'Meh' he thought 'not as bad as everyone suggested it would be'.

Just then his hyropin gland, or his 'neck dick' as teenage humans seemed to like calling it, excreted around three liters of Dguop fluid, a thick purple grey, gluey textured type substance, all over the lady sitting next to him.

'Meh' she thought 'still not as bad as the time when the pit sweat guy grabbed my ass and then wet sneezed in my face'. 

The two of them are now married with a teenage kid named Dennisaghtl, he's a hit with the ladies too, just had his hyropin sucked off by a girl for the first time. 

Unfortunately this was not something he desired, in fact it was so painful he sprayed her with his Bydhdj laser, turning her into a statue of a frog tonguing a poisonous spider.

'Meh' she thought 'at least now my mum will have to drive me to school, that means no more public transport, who hoo!' 

Pit sweat guy went on to choke to death while trying to pronounce everything in this story.

So it was pretty much happy endings all around. Awww. 

I promise

I had a long day on the road today. Really fucking long. And on the road. Which, by the way, is my favorite place to be on when I'm driving. Like I spent three weeks driving on nothing but the bone marrow removed from aliens that was hoped could be turned into a cure for melancholy, until it was discovered that aliens like melancholy, because in their societies it's a sign of screw-ball insistence that air-born hilarity is possible in raspberry flavored coffee, and therefore discarded as a cure option and instead turned into a road surface for cars driven exclusively by humans who live their entire existence in a grounded reality completely devoid of flights of fancy and unconscionable excavations of the imagination, once and it wasn't as smooth as the road. And while I was on the road I came to the following conclusions. 

- I'm tired.

- Really tired. 

- I need some sleep. 

- Lots of sleep. 

- To relieve my tiredness. 

- Which is 'really' in nature. 

I just have to write my daily blog and then I can go to bed. Oh man, I'll start writing it soon, I promise. 

Don't (re) see Prometheus until you read this

A little while ago, right here in Ok, Intriguing, I proved without any doubt what so ever that aliens are already amongst us   How the entire world is in danger

Want even more proof? Well get this – I was on a plane recently flying from New York to Los Angeles and we were informed, that as the plane was full, that we were to pay especially attention to the boarding instructions, and asked that if we had any excess hand luggage to bring it up to be checked in. This relaxed me right away. If the airline staff are joking around then I know there is nothing to worry about, ha ha, I know, like anyone would ever not listen to boarding instructions, and like anyone would ever try to carry on excess luggage! That’s hilarious.

With a chuckling grin on my face I waited until my row was called and headed onto the plane. That’s when fear did consume me. Because, oh my god, there were aliens on the plane!!!!!!!!!!

How do I know? Because there were numerous ‘people’ already sitting in rows that HADN’T BEEN CALLED YET!!!! AND…. AND so many of the overhead bins were full of luggage that I had to leave my bag a full twenty rows from where I was sitting!  Sure these ‘people’ looked like people, but no HUMAN BEING would be so selfish.

Ok, I will accept for a moment, that there is the occasional person alive that is so selfish that they think that their sitting down early is worth the entire boarding procedure to be slowed down, and that their baggage in excess of what is allowed deserves a spot over a person’s baggage who has not broken any rules, said rules of course designed specifically for fairness and safety. But surely this select few people wouldn’t be flying, because someone so selfish would have no friends, and what’s the point of travelling if you are such a horrible person that you are friendless? Plus most of them are probably dead after being rightfully beaten to death after pushing in line somewhere. Also the staff check what row you are on before you walk down the gangway, and see how much you are carrying, so if they caught someone trying to board early and/or with too much carry on luggage they would rip up their ticket and say ‘this airline is puts the people who aren’t complete assholes first, enjoy your walk you scumbag!’

Also surely this is a security risk? So no I don’t buy that this is ‘people’. And there were dozens of them, and when I thought about it these ‘people’ are on literally every plane I ever board!

Clearly these ‘people’ don’t know the rules, and have not walked down the gangway. There is only one logical explanation. They are being 'beamed' onto planes!!!! And only aliens have beaming technology!

I’m not going to speculate why aliens would be beaming onto a planes – speculation is not required – aliens are planning, and training for, a monumental event which will include taking over literally every single plane and uprising from everywhere there is a public toilet. And yes, if you read the linked post above, you probably know that the toilets on all planes I am on are alien too. THEY HAVE HUMAN CLONED ALIENS AND TOILET ALIENS ON THESE PLANES! THIS EVENT IS GOING TO BE MONUMENTAL!!!!

Well Ridley Scott didn’t want to alarm anyone when making his latest movie about Aliens, by talking about the aliens clearly on earth here and now - instead be would like to take us to the future.

His future, in Prometheus, is a strange place, a place where humans have evolved to a point where we now have the technology to create among such things as completely life like robots, machines that can watch our dreams and childhood memories and space ships that can take us thousands of light years. And yet, bizarrely, despite all this advanced intelligence we have acquired a flaw in our intelligence that's has allowed us to man our first mission to the planet of our makers with only a very loose plan, that isn’t discussed among the crew until they get there, and with a crew made up exclusively with personal who are untrained, impossible to like or care for, have poor temperaments, are fond of acts of extreme stupidity and most strangely possess characteristics that bare strong comparisons to many cliché characters from movies that would have been made a century or so before. Wow, evolution is a strange beast!

How we have evolved this way is not explained. But it doesn't matter because Ridley has bigger things to worry about, because Ridley has attempted one of the ballsiest things in film making history.

‘Can I make a movie with zero suspense, believability, moments that surprise us, drama or likable characters, or stakes we care about, and still get the audience to watch all the way to the point where I let them know I was just setting up for the sequel the whole time?’

That takes serious balls Ridley. If I was making a big budget sci-fi movies I would at least throw in the odd likeable character, but then that’s why you’re a big shot and I am a whiney blogger.

So does he pull it off? The answer is yes. Most people did stay all the way to the point where he let us know he was just setting up a sequel, I think only three or four people walked out, and also I nearly missed the movie because the lady in line in front of me was begging for a re-fund because the movie was so bad, and trying to talk people out of buying tickets, yet myself and others still did buy tickets, so I think that’s a success.

A I did stay till the end, I think mostly because it looks really cool, by which I mean the lead actress has a hot body and is often wearing nothing but a bandage bikini, also I guess the world he created is coolish, although we seriously see very little of it.

Still I say save it for DVD or better yet, watch it on a plane, so if the make believe alien world on the screen bores you, you can just look around to the real life aliens all around you. Also I say next time you see one of those aliens has beamed on  your plane in advance and taken your overhead luggage bin space, abuse them, just because you’re an alien is no excuse for being a selfish cunt.

Exclusive: How the entire world is in danger!

 This is a matter of critical importance, the entire world and all of its peoples and animals is at immediate risk!

Ok, so often times when I go to use a public toilet I discover that the previous occupier has left the toilet un-flushed, and YET, when I go to use the flush it works fine!

Clearly this means that in the time between the previous user and myself the flush mechanism has SELF-REPAIRED itself! (If this wasn’t such a serious blog I might even say ‘self-repairs itself silly).

But this IS a serious blog because sometimes this remarkable ability to self-repair can be performed in seconds! Yes, sometimes a man will exit the toilet cubicle just as I am about to enter, and in the mere time it has taken for us to switch places the flush mechanism looks, acts and performs as if it was never even injured, let alone not working at all!

Some important questions must be asked here:

Self-repair? What on earth has the ability to self-repair? And

Why doesn't my home toilet ever self-repair when broken?

The alarming answers are:

Living things! That's what. And

Clearly your home toilets are different from public ones!

That's right, based on this irrefutable evidence public toilets are obviously living things!

And worse, seeing as no such animal on earth has anything like these toilets hard porcelain mouths, thirst for water, rapid healing speeds or ability to mimic common household toilets they must be alien!

DID YOU HEAR ME? ALIENS. HERE ON EARTH. THAT YOU EXPOSE YOUR GENITALIA TO!

These aren’t your normal run of the mill aliens that become, say, computer stealing crack addicts, these aliens are highly intelligent, able to infiltrate public bathrooms around the world, and manipulate building managers into thinking they have ordered and installed regular toilets.

That's not all, these aliens have managed to tap into the human psyche allowing the cynical among us to contemplate the existence of fellow humans who are so lazy and disgusting that they think their fellow man should have to look and smell their urine and feces!

'Fuck you aliens! I would NEVER think my fellow man could be that lazy and disgusting!' is what we should all be screaming. But sadly I think some people actually believe such lazy disgusting humans may exist. Well open your eyes people.

Consider this - sometimes you will find a toilet seat covered in urine - clear PROOF that the previous user of the toilet found the toilet seat locked into the down position. Obviously. Only thing is that when you test this out the toilet seat now lifts easily! Obviously this is an amazingly remarkable alien skill in itself, but it comes with the added psychological bent of not merely pitting man vs man, but man vs woman. Sometimes even affecting relationships!

Well I for one will not just stand idly by waiting for the people of earth to become so occupied with alien manipulated infighting that the aliens can launch a sneak all out assault!

I say call the cops, get the FBI on this, the X-file people, Interpol or anyone you know, and next time you encounter one of these 'broken' toilets, don't just leave your piss and shit for me to discover - come out and let everyone know THAT’S NOT A TOILET IT’S AN ALIEN - RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

I am sorry to have to fill you with such fear, but these aliens are camped around the world, concentrating mostly in well built up regions and almost ignoring rural regions. Their plan must be to hit the cities, yet still, please don't worry too much, for I believe I have spotted a weakness.

In my personal toilet use, which is quite frequent as I consume enormous amounts of soda and also have a shy bladder when it comes to urinals, I encounter an alien toilet that has self repaired itself since its last user approximately 93% of the time. A huge percentage. Yet…

I almost NEVER encounter a toilet CURRENTLY in the broken flush or locked seat positions, at most, maybe 0.0001% of the time. This is an astronomical anomaly.

Based on my experiences I can confidently say that clearly the leader of the aliens has sent a direct order - 'if you suspect the human is suspicious then act normal'

So I say spread the word. Act suspicious. If you encounter a toilet that doesn’t seem to have a lifting seat or working flush, don’t just leave your filth behind for the next person to find, talk to it. ‘I’m on to you, you alien beast, self-repair now or I’ll kick you’ seems to work.

If everyone gets on board there may still be hope for the human race! Then perhaps we can take the time to learn from the aliens, and perhaps steal their self-repair skills for ourselves to be used for good – like, you know, with fixing broken vending machines or something vital like that. I mean sometimes I just want a soda something silly and I can’t get one, and that’s just the sort of problem that may become critical one day!