Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Don't (re) see Prometheus until you read this

A little while ago, right here in Ok, Intriguing, I proved without any doubt what so ever that aliens are already amongst us   How the entire world is in danger

Want even more proof? Well get this – I was on a plane recently flying from New York to Los Angeles and we were informed, that as the plane was full, that we were to pay especially attention to the boarding instructions, and asked that if we had any excess hand luggage to bring it up to be checked in. This relaxed me right away. If the airline staff are joking around then I know there is nothing to worry about, ha ha, I know, like anyone would ever not listen to boarding instructions, and like anyone would ever try to carry on excess luggage! That’s hilarious.

With a chuckling grin on my face I waited until my row was called and headed onto the plane. That’s when fear did consume me. Because, oh my god, there were aliens on the plane!!!!!!!!!!

How do I know? Because there were numerous ‘people’ already sitting in rows that HADN’T BEEN CALLED YET!!!! AND…. AND so many of the overhead bins were full of luggage that I had to leave my bag a full twenty rows from where I was sitting!  Sure these ‘people’ looked like people, but no HUMAN BEING would be so selfish.

Ok, I will accept for a moment, that there is the occasional person alive that is so selfish that they think that their sitting down early is worth the entire boarding procedure to be slowed down, and that their baggage in excess of what is allowed deserves a spot over a person’s baggage who has not broken any rules, said rules of course designed specifically for fairness and safety. But surely this select few people wouldn’t be flying, because someone so selfish would have no friends, and what’s the point of travelling if you are such a horrible person that you are friendless? Plus most of them are probably dead after being rightfully beaten to death after pushing in line somewhere. Also the staff check what row you are on before you walk down the gangway, and see how much you are carrying, so if they caught someone trying to board early and/or with too much carry on luggage they would rip up their ticket and say ‘this airline is puts the people who aren’t complete assholes first, enjoy your walk you scumbag!’

Also surely this is a security risk? So no I don’t buy that this is ‘people’. And there were dozens of them, and when I thought about it these ‘people’ are on literally every plane I ever board!

Clearly these ‘people’ don’t know the rules, and have not walked down the gangway. There is only one logical explanation. They are being 'beamed' onto planes!!!! And only aliens have beaming technology!

I’m not going to speculate why aliens would be beaming onto a planes – speculation is not required – aliens are planning, and training for, a monumental event which will include taking over literally every single plane and uprising from everywhere there is a public toilet. And yes, if you read the linked post above, you probably know that the toilets on all planes I am on are alien too. THEY HAVE HUMAN CLONED ALIENS AND TOILET ALIENS ON THESE PLANES! THIS EVENT IS GOING TO BE MONUMENTAL!!!!

Well Ridley Scott didn’t want to alarm anyone when making his latest movie about Aliens, by talking about the aliens clearly on earth here and now - instead be would like to take us to the future.

His future, in Prometheus, is a strange place, a place where humans have evolved to a point where we now have the technology to create among such things as completely life like robots, machines that can watch our dreams and childhood memories and space ships that can take us thousands of light years. And yet, bizarrely, despite all this advanced intelligence we have acquired a flaw in our intelligence that's has allowed us to man our first mission to the planet of our makers with only a very loose plan, that isn’t discussed among the crew until they get there, and with a crew made up exclusively with personal who are untrained, impossible to like or care for, have poor temperaments, are fond of acts of extreme stupidity and most strangely possess characteristics that bare strong comparisons to many cliché characters from movies that would have been made a century or so before. Wow, evolution is a strange beast!

How we have evolved this way is not explained. But it doesn't matter because Ridley has bigger things to worry about, because Ridley has attempted one of the ballsiest things in film making history.

‘Can I make a movie with zero suspense, believability, moments that surprise us, drama or likable characters, or stakes we care about, and still get the audience to watch all the way to the point where I let them know I was just setting up for the sequel the whole time?’

That takes serious balls Ridley. If I was making a big budget sci-fi movies I would at least throw in the odd likeable character, but then that’s why you’re a big shot and I am a whiney blogger.

So does he pull it off? The answer is yes. Most people did stay all the way to the point where he let us know he was just setting up a sequel, I think only three or four people walked out, and also I nearly missed the movie because the lady in line in front of me was begging for a re-fund because the movie was so bad, and trying to talk people out of buying tickets, yet myself and others still did buy tickets, so I think that’s a success.

A I did stay till the end, I think mostly because it looks really cool, by which I mean the lead actress has a hot body and is often wearing nothing but a bandage bikini, also I guess the world he created is coolish, although we seriously see very little of it.

Still I say save it for DVD or better yet, watch it on a plane, so if the make believe alien world on the screen bores you, you can just look around to the real life aliens all around you. Also I say next time you see one of those aliens has beamed on  your plane in advance and taken your overhead luggage bin space, abuse them, just because you’re an alien is no excuse for being a selfish cunt.

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