As some of you may
know, last week I was in New York, and while I was there I was lucky enough to
meet one of the world’s true geniuses - Gerald Dundas - worlds foremost pizza
smeller! Here is a transcript of the quick interview I was able to get with
him.
Dave: So what kind of
Pizza have you smelled?
Gerald: As I am sure
you are aware, unless you are an ignorant fool, I have smelled just about every
kind of pizza available anywhere including, but not limited to - Pepperoni!
Meat Feast! And of course my crowning achievement - BBQ chicken hold the
chicken.
Dave: Wow, that’s
amazing, I personally really enjoy pepperoni, and you’ve smelled it! Wow! So do
you just smell pizza here in New York?
Gerald: Of course not
you idiot, how could I be the world’s foremost pizza smeller and only do it in
one city, or even one country! I have smelled pizza around world, including,
but not limited to - Italy, the Italian part of Switzerland, little Italy in
new York, little Italy in New New York New York casino Las Vegas, little Las
Vegas in new Italy casino in Geneva Switzerland and even in Spadinglton, the
tiny tax haven independent island country on Lake Geneva Switzerland set up as
an independent tax haven for Europe’s richest lactose intolerants who
occasionally like to say 'stuff it, the flatulence is worth the odd slice of
pizza, just give me a private island country on Lake Geneva so no one has to
smell or hear my flatulence'
Dave: You mean ‘stuff
it’ as in ‘stuff crust pizza’ I enjoy those?
Gerald: No you
freaking moron, why would someone with lactose intolerance order pizza with a
stuffed crust? That makes zero sense!
Dave: Why would they
order pizza at all?
Gerald: Let me tell
you something, I have smelled pizza in places such as, but not limited to - different
buildings, private, homes, pizzerias, dumpsters behind pizzerias, on the breath
of homeless people who live in dumpsters behind the pizzeria, and on the breath
of buzzards that have eaten out the stomachs of a homeless man who ate out of
the dumpster behind a pizzeria that had closed down four years earlier, so do
you think I have time to ask the lactose intolerant why they would eat pizza?
Dave: Yes, I mean
it’s not a long question, and it’s not like your mouth is busy while you smell?
Gerald: How dare you!
Let me tell you something you arrogant fool, I reckons I’ve smelled just about
every pizza there is, and you don’t get to where I am in life by going around
asking people stuff. Like look at you, you’re asking me stuff, and I bet you’ve
never in smelled half the pizza in half the places I have. You’re wasting your life with all this ask
questions business, you idiot!
Dave: Hey I have
smelled a fair bit of pizza in my life, I even smelled a pizza buffet once, and
that had lots of pizza on it!
Gerald: Pizza buffet,
you stupid moron, can you enjoy a Monet and a Picasso at the same time? Can you
‘make love’ to a buffet of women at once? I could teach you some lessons kid,
including, but not limited to – how to appreciate the smell of one pizza at a
time, telling people about how much you enjoyed smelling one pizza at one time,
and smelling pizza with someone who you’ve told about enjoying smelling pizza
with who responded to your passion with a request to smell pizza with you one
day. Yet frankly you don’t deserve to know these lessons. Interview over.
Dave: Wait, wait,
please just a couple more questions, including, but not limited to – are there
any pizza you have plans to smell in the near future?
Gerald: Ah, you are
capable of learning kid, and yes I'd like to smell pizza in Antarctica one day,
plus I never did smell Pizza Hut, I've heard they're popular.
Dave: Just one last
question, you’ve smelled the best, but where is your favorite place to eat
pizza?
Gerald: Are you
kidding dickhead? I don't eat it, that stuff smells like shit, are you fucking retarded?
Ah Gerald Dundas,
true genius, bit of an asshole. Now for some reason I feel like going for pizza.
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