Saturday, October 31, 2009

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 18


“You can hope for miracles everyday:

But you will never achieve anything until you turn these hopes into actions!”

There are many schools of thought as to when it’s the appropriate time to make the first call to a person whom has just given up her phone number. Some people say never call within the first few days, apparently that way you wont look too keen, and despite the fact by this stage you have already asked for her number, seeming keen on her would be a bad thing. Why this is I have no idea.

I’ve heard some people argue that the best time to make such a phone call is exactly two days after receiving their number. That way you seem somewhat keen, but somewhat nonchalant, so the object of your affections is not sure about how much you want them, even though two days is so clichĂ© now that in some ways you would actually be showing an extra level of keenness by thinking about it enough to plan the perfect time to make your call.

Very few people advocate the use of the same day call approach. Calling a girl the same day as you acquired her phone number apparently is so bad, that no matter how much she liked you before, she now no longer will, because you have now established yourself as some psycho you goes around calling up girls that he likes, because he actually wants to talk to them, and if you’re a girl having the guy you like wanting to talk to you is a horrible thing. Girls can be fucking annoying sometimes! It’s no wonder so many people find it hard to get partners these days.

Personally the same day call is the only approach that could ever work for me. For one thing I don’t care what anybody says, if a girl ever asks for my number, then the absolute earliest call I can receive the better it is, and it then gets slightly worse every second after that. If any girls like me, please tell me as soon as possible, no need to hide it, I want to know.

The other thing is that time has never been my friend. If you have the kind of psychological issues which I have been plagued with, then you’ll know the more time I wait, is just more time for me to doubt myself, and hate myself, and convince myself that I have no chance in hell, and that I may as well not bother.

All this is basically my way of explaining what was going through my thought process in calling up Ellie only a matter or hours after I had seen her on the train. It didn’t go all that well. For one thing a guy answered.

“Hello” he answered

“Oh….hi….is Ellie there by chance?” I replied

“Who is this?”

“This is Jason… JayJay…….Domey”

“How do you know Ellie?”

“I bought a bed off her…..she’s a friend of a friend”

“Well which is it?”

“Um…well both”

“Ellie’s in the shower”

“Ok….well can you tell her I called”

“Who are you again?”


“I’ll tell her”

“Can I leave my number so she can call me?”
”You ask a lot don’t you mate?”

“Um….no….I don’t think so”

“Ok fine…what is it?”

So I gave my number to that arsehole and sat starring at the phone for the next three hours. It didn’t ring. Eventually feeling rather shattered I drifted off into a terrible nights sleep not knowing what the fuck to do.

I woke to the sound of the phone ringing.

“Haaaghhlloo” I coughed out as an answer

“Is that JayJay?” I heard a female voice say in a voice barely above a whisper


“Hi this is Ellie…sorry I didn’t call back last night, I just didn’t get the chance……sorry about my……..roommate…..he can be a bit of an arsehole sometimes” She said still whispering

“That’s ok”

“So what did you want to talk to me about?”

“I don’t know….just called for a chat”

“Oh ok….I thought you must have had a question about some furniture or something”

“Nothing in particular”

“Oh ok….well I can’t talk now…..I might see you around….bye”

And the phone was hung up. “Oh well that’s just fucking superb…I finally meet a girl I like….and she seems to like me at least a bit….and I fuck it all up within hours” I thought to myself. I skipped all my classes that day. Hannah tried to call me, but I didn’t answer my phone. I was feeling quite ordinary. I was shattered, I was completely crushed, and I was completely lost. I spent pretty much the whole day trying to answer one question to myself “What on earth do I do now?”....

Friday, October 30, 2009

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 17


“Beauty lies within us all like a pool of lava;

Sometimes it just needs a little help before your volcano can erupt!”

Ellie was sort of a friend of a friend of Hannah’s. She worked in one of those massive furniture shops which are just a huge expansive warehouse of furniture, all of which looks nice on the floor, so you buy it, then when it gets delivered it comes in a flat box, with thirteen thousand different pieces, and by the time you have it put together so that it somewhat resembles the item you thought you had bought, it no longer looks nice, because it has numerous blood stains on it, from the many, many times you punched it as hard as you could out of pure rampant frustration.

Thing is with these furniture stores, with so much stock and annoying little kids running around all day, things are bound to be damaged. And damaged goods don’t equate to strong sales figures. So they are quite regularly changing over floor stock. Therefore if you’re lucky enough to know someone who knows someone who knows someone who works in one of these shops you can often get some super discounts on old floor stock. The staff at Ellie’s shop, ‘Friendly Furnishings’ were not actually allowed to do good deals on floor stock for their friends. However it was one of those rules which “officially” is a rule, but is really just a guideline. If they don’t sell the damaged floor stock to someone they have to throw it out, so it may as well go to someone.

That was what we were doing today. Hannah explained that her friend Claudia had spoken to her friend Rachael, who had spoken to her friend Ellie, who had mentioned that they had available some damaged bunk beds and sofas which I could have for practically nothing, and would be able to set my place up just like Hannah’s. Hannah knew how much I had liked her decorating ideas when I had gone over for dinner. I thought it was very sweet how she had gone to so much effort for me to do the same.

So there we were standing at the back loading dock entrance to ‘Friendly Furnishings’, when a metal roller door opened and standing in front of us was Ellie. For me this was love at first site.

This was a quite a strange feeling for me. I had seen many attractive girls over the course of my existence, and had been quite fond of many of them from first impressions, but that had always been a more lustful feeling. This was different. I don’t really know how to explain it. Ellie was pretty, but she wasn’t the prettiest girl I have ever seen, but there was just something about her which felt right. As soon as I looked at her time seemed to stop for just enough time for me to have this premonition that Ellie would have a part to play in my life.

Ellie on the other hand barely seemed to notice me at all. As soon as she came out, she had a very quick catch up with Hannah, you know the type,

“Hey long time no see” One says

“I know it’s great to see you” The other says

“I know, we should catch up more often, so what have you been doing anyway?”

“Not much, what have you been doing?”

“Not much”

“Well good to see you”

“Good to see you too”

“You look well”

“Thank you, and you too”



Then you get on with what your there to do. Why has society made up so many of these little rituals of politeness we go through when we see people, like asking fifty people a day “how are you?”, and never hearing an honest answer once.

Anyways Ellie took us into the store room, we followed behind her and no body said a word. This gave me a good opportunity to stare at Ellie’s ass. She really did have a lovely behind. Ellie was not your typical beauty. She wasn’t overly thin, not fat but very curvy with just a little bit of extra meat around her bones, she was busty with quite a round bottom but she was short, only around five foot, and still really petite, just a curvy sort of petite. What made her really stand out though were her eyes. Her eyes looked like they took up half her face and they portrayed warmth I hadn’t ever felt from eyes before. They were brown which matched nicely with her dark brown hair and her tanned complexion, and she had the most perfect skin I had ever seen.

We walked deep into the maze of chairs, desks, beds and bookshelves until we came to a collection of bunk beds. Ellie pointed at about four or five identical ones, just in a row each one a different color, and said “you can take any of these for twenty bucks, they have been discontinued, some kid fell off the top of one and broke his arm, so we got sued. We won but we don’t sell them anymore”, “that was a lucky break!” Hannah replied, and we all had a little giggle at some poor kid’s horribly painful injury. Ha ha, hurt kid, funny stuff.

Hannah said “we’ll have that one”, pointing at a turquoise metal framed bunk, then turned to me and said “you need some color”, and said to Ellie “remember to deliver it without the bottom bunk”.

Then Ellie walked us over to a selection of couches. Before we reached them Hannah ran over to them and launched herself at a purple fluffy sofa and yelled out to me “You’re definitely getting this one”. This is when Ellie finally actually noticed me.

You know how when you’re out in a group of three, and one of the group does something slightly crazy or off the wall? Well one of our little social traditions in a situation like this is for the other two to look at each other and giggle and say some lame line like “how nuts is she” and then giggle some more.

Well that’s what Ellie and I did here. Only instead of some lame joke, we just caught each others eyes, and had a brief moment of pure eye contact. I felt like I had been caught in a tractor beam straight from her eyes, and it felt like I would never be able to look away. The best thing was Ellie was looking back, acting like she was having a similar science fiction inspired physical reaction. It was only an instant, but it changed me forever.

“Come over here and sit next to me!” Hannah yelled at me. I went and sat on the couch next to her. It was incredibly comfortable, just seemed to engulf you. Hannah said she needed to test one thing and asked me to get off for a second, which I did, then Hannah proceeded to lie on the coach on her back and spread her leg and start rocking back and forth like some invisible man was having sex with her. This made us all laugh and provided me with another opportunity to have a brief exchange of eye contact with Ellie.

“How much can Jas have this one for?” Hannah asked

“You’re in luck…that’s actually got a rip in the material, but it’s only at the back, are you putting it up against a wall, cause if so it’s basically perfect and you can have it for thirty bucks” Ellie replied, mostly looking at Hannah, but three or four times sneaking a look at me out of the corner of her eyes.

“Ok he’ll take it” Hannah replied “we better let you get back to work”

“Oh shit…you’re right….ok I’ll let you know when I can get it delivered…nice to see you again Hannah….nice to meet you Jas” and with that Ellie walked away off towards the near by elevators.

Hannah and I walked our way back through the maze towards the roller doors we had come in, however just before we got out of view I turned to have one more quick look at Ellie, and to my absolute joy at that exact moment Ellie also turned to have one more quick look at me. We caught eyes again and this time gave each other a brief smile, before my view of her was obstructed by the china hutch I was walking past, and by the time I had gotten past it she was gone.

Four days passed with only about four seconds with Ellie not on my mind, until my new couch and bed arrived. Hannah came around to help me set it up, and brought with her six milk crates, six cushions, and six covers for them – three purple and three turquoise, her present for me. Hannah has always been so sweet to me. We threw my old ratty, blood stained, cum stained, food stained bed onto the street, and set up the bunk with the sofa under it, and the home made milk crate chairs/tables in different places.

My apartment suddenly seemed like a home. The color added so much, made it feel happier, and friendlier, and more comfortable, and just not a depressing hole like before. I thanked Hannah a million times for all she had done for me, and she said seeing my face made it more than worth it, and this made me want to try and stop smiling, and Hannah said “you cant stop, can you?” and this made me try and stop even more, and Hannah hugged me, and I stood there feeling embarrassed for a few moments.

That night, despite my bed being about three thousand times more comfortable than my old bed, I barely slept a wink. I spent the whole night thinking about Ellie. I created a thousand fantasies of us being together, and they all made me feel great. For a moment! Then I would remember it was nothing but a couple of nice looks - she was far from my true love forever. Then I would tell myself to stop thinking like that, and would drift off into another fantasy with Ellie by my side.

As the birds started to sing their songs to let me know that it was a new day outside I heard a voice “What can I do right now to make my life better today?” It was the voice in my head. I remembered my pact with myself, if I know something that I can do which will improve my life today, then I have to do it – no matter how scary.

I knew I had to go back to ‘Friendly Furnishings’ and ask Ellie out. But how? I’d never asked anyone out before, how do you just go up to a girl in a furniture shop and ask her out? I spent about three hours pacing around my apartment, doing figure eights around my milk crate chairs, trying to come up with a plan.

After much deliberation I finally came up with something. I’d walk in, try and spot her, and see what happens. Not really a brilliant plan, but hey at least I was going to have a go, that’s a big step for me.

I put the David Gray song ‘....Babylon....’ on the stereo and pumped up the volume, especially listening to the line “If you want it….come and get it….for crying out loud”. That’s right, I wanted Ellie, I had to go out and get her!

Then I got dressed up in one of the funky outfits Hannah had picked out for me and had a look in the mirror. Feeling like a moron I took off those clothes and put on my usual kind of clothes and had another look in the mirror. Looking like a loser I pulled off those clothes and put back on Hannah’s outfit and left the house.

I trembled my way down to the train station, then I shook my way along the train ride, and then trembled some more on my walk to her work, then stood out side for a while. “If you want it come and get it for crying out loud….what will improve my life today?.....If you want it come and get it for crying out loud…..what will improve my life today” I mumbled to myself over and over, more as a way of delaying entry rather than psyching myself up. Then I started to think about how I would feel if I went through with it and she said yes, just the thought of that was about the nicest feeling I had ever felt, the real thing must be incredible. It was worth the risk. So in I went. Holy fuck, I WENT IN!!

Now as I mentioned before this shop was enormous about the size of four football fields, and it’s not just a big open space, it’s all sorts of rooms and displays, and I had never even seen Ellie in there, we only saw each other in the warehouse that time, so I had no idea which department she was in, or even if she was working on this particular day.

So to make a long story short I spent the next four hours walking around a furniture store. Yes that’s right four hours. Four hours in a furniture store is not fun, four fucking hours nervously trying to psyche yourself into doing something potentially very humiliating is not fun, trying not to be spotted by the seventeen staff members who asked if I needed any help three and a half hours ago isn’t fun, and walking to the fucking train station after finally giving in and being crushed is not fun.

Sitting on a train and hearing

“Hey its Jason right?......I’m Ellie, we met the other day” Isn’t fucking bad, despite the immediate shock and near suicide attempt at the gut wrenching stress of suddenly being faced with your love at first site without the opportunity to prepare yourself.

“Hi….how are you…….um…..yeah….JayJay actually” I said “You fucking retarded moron” I thought to myself

“Oh….I was sure Hannah said it was Jason”

“Well it is….Jason Junior… my friends call me JayJay….well sometimes….well some of them….you know other people…..that I know” I replied “Well you have officially fucked it for yourself I moaned to myself

“Ok well I’ll call you JayJay then….it’s cute!”

“Thanks….and I’ll call you Ellie” what is fucking wrong with me

“Well that is my name”

“Yeah….well I wouldn’t want to call you Stephanie then would I?”

“Ha ha ha ha…no I guess not” She giggled

“Nice save dickface” I thought “So what have you been up to today?” I asked

“Just work…had the whole day in the warehouse today… was so draining….I need a nice hot bath”

“Fuck you god you cunt….you knew I was coming and put her in the warehouse…what good was that supposed to do me……..oh no wait…hang on….you also had her come up to me on the train….I’m sorry god…thank you so much for this…I really appreciate it…will you forgive me for that other comment….been a stressful day… sort of have to forgive me anyway don’t you?....all that making your son die such a painful death and all…well sorry you must get sick of people reminding you of that all the time” I thought “Yeah that sounds nice” I said

“Yeah you look like you have had a long day….what did you get up to?”

“Just walking around the shops”

“You didn’t buy anything?”

“No….funds drain”

“Oh that sucks…..but shopping is still fun anyway”

“Yeah it can be alright”

“So where do you live?” she asked, as she flicked her head so her gorgeous brown hair dropped back behind her shoulder

“I get off in two stops…I’m just around the corner from the shops”

“Oh cool…near me…next stop is mine”

“Oh cool….yeah we must be really close…we should hang out sometime” I said “Oh my fucking god…..did you just really say that….who the fuck are you kidding?” I thought

“Sure that sounds great” she said as I swallowed the vomit which had just come into my mouth

“Did she really just fucking say ‘that would be great’….if you want it come and get it…..what should I do today….just finish the job you idiot….she gave you the window…stop thinking and say it…now…….now……..fucking now….fucking nooooooow” I thought “You should give me your phone number” I mumbled

“Oh ok…..sure….have you got your cell with you?” I gave her my phone and she stored her name and number on to my memory. Then she got up as the train was pulling up to her station.

“Nice to see you JayJay!” she said

“Nice to see you too…..seeya” I replied

“SOMETIMES LIIIIIFE THROWS YOU NOTHING BUT TROUBLE – BUT NOT TODAY – NOT TODAY – ALL MYYYYYY TROUBLE HAS GOOOOONE AWAY” I sang to myself as loudly as I have ever sung anything in a public space before, just for a little while forgetting I was still on a train, and forcing weird looks from all the other passengers. I didn’t care though, not today.

I got off the train at my stop then I skipped my way back to my apartment floating like a butterfly which has just accidentally flown through someone’s smoke rings from the pot he was puffing on.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 16


“Always be open to new experiences;

Everything you have ever loved you had to try for a first time once!”

Onto session one, clothes shopping, where upon Hannah led me to a second hand clothes shop. Upon entering, I would have to say, the clothes really looked like people had donated them because what else are you going to do with your grandfathers clothes fifty years after he was dead? Most of the stuff on the racks looked old and ratty, lots of holes in things, and clothes that were so out of style it was even obvious to me.

I began to look through the first rack with a turned up nose and an unimpressed demeanor, until Hannah instructed me to “JUST SIT IN THE CORNER AND WAIT OK!” So I went and sat on an old arm chair which sat in the corner, and had those really thick springs which you can feel trying to break the leather and penetrate your skin.

I sat and watched a young couple looking at clothes together. They were the grimiest looking couple I had ever seen. They both had very similar messed up shaggy haircuts and really baggy old looking clothes. The guy had thick mutton chop side burns and looked like an English musician from the nineteen sixties. And the girl looked like she belonged on the streets of ....San Francisco.... preaching about making love not war and how nice pretty flowers were. They were searching down the racks together, and the guy would keep pulling out old suit jackets and holding it up in front of himself and ask “How about this one?” The girl would just shake her head and then they would move on down the rack and repeat this over and over.

They made for quite an unattractive couple really. Yet I still couldn’t help to feel jealous of them. They just carried themselves in a way which screamed out “hey we’re in love with each other”. I started thinking to myself how it was weird that different people wanted completely different things from a partner. I mean to me she was actually quite unappealing. But to him she was probably the most beautiful girl in the world. And yet a girl I might find gorgeous he might think was a dog.

I started to think that maybe the fact that I was so consistently rejected by girls wasn’t that I was actually unattractive, it was just that girl’s probably only find like five percent of guys really attractive, only every girl has a different group in this percent bracket. Sure there are probably some guys, like Brad Pitt or someone, who make most girls lists. But for average people like myself, we probably only make five to ten percent of girls lists. So that I could be sitting on a bus stop next to another guy, and two girls could walk past and one find me attractive and him ugly, and one find me ugly and him cute. So I just had to find the right girls who would have a guy like me in their percent bracket. I wasn’t sure if that was a comforting thought or a completely disheartening thought.

Suddenly a huge pile of clothes were dropped on top of me, covering my entire upper body and face. “Ok follow me” I heard Hannah say muffled through all the clothes. I struggled to my feet trying to hold all these clothes and followed Hannah into a change room area. She instructed me to drop all the clothes on the floor in front of the change room and get inside. She then shuffled though the pile and picked out a few items, handed them to me, pulled the curtain closed in front of me and said to put them on.

I sorted through the few items she had given me, and found a red t-shirt with the slogan ‘Talk to me’ written on the front in graffiti style, a pair of very funky looking jeans with all sorts of detail and lines on the front, and a zip up blue hooded jacket. I slowly started to put all this gear on, until I heard from outside “Hurry up Jas, or this will take forever”, so I sped up. When I was dressed I looked in the mirror and saw a person which looked sort of like me, but mostly like some nerd trying to look like a cool kid.

I reluctantly opened up the curtain and Hannah jumped to her feet

“Oh my god…Jas you look so hot!”

“Yeah right…..I feel stupid”

“Whhhhyyyy? look cool….it really suits you”

“But I’m not cool…I’m a nerd….I should dress like a nerd”

“You’re not a nerd Jas….you’re my friend, and I don’t hang out with nerds…..hey take off the jacket.” This I did. “Wooooow….seriously man, you look so good dressed like this….you look cuter, and fitter and cooler, and just better…you’re definitely buying this stuff” she started to sort through the pile again and pulled out a dark grey button up shirt with a vertical lined pattern. “Here…leave the jeans on and put this shirt on”.

So I spent the next twenty minutes trying on about six different pairs of pants, mostly jeans and cargo pants, and a wide variety of shirts, t-shirts, jackets and jumpers. After every new outfit Hannah would say things like “Damn that’s cool”, and “I like it”, and “Hhhmmmm”, and “No that ones no good”. Then she would have me change either some or the entire outfit. Or sometimes she would have me put back on an item I had on before, and sometimes a whole outfit she was unsure about from before. Sometimes Hannah would dash off back into the shop and get new things for me to try.

In the end I walked out of the shop carrying four bags jam packed with about four times more clothes than I currently owned, and a very unsure expression on my face, all for less than two hundred dollars. Hannah carried a small bag with her one purchase, an old hand bag, and the biggest smile I had ever seen.

Next we were supposed to go shoe shopping, until Hannah decided that it was unnecessary due to the fact the old hand me down sneakers I had acquired from my brothers years ago were apparently now so old they were back in fashion and in fact “retro trendy” or something. Hannah thought this was a lucky break. I thought it meant that whoever decided what was fashionable had gone insane.

So we were able to move onto session two – the haircut. Now I believe that I have mentioned to you before some of the issues I have with my hair. I hate my hair. But despite the fact that I had never had a good hair day in my life, and that I didn’t really believe that any hairdresser possessed the talent to make my hair look worse than it currently did, getting my hair cut still made me very nervous. ....

For one thing making conversation with a hairdresser is just a painful experience. Usually with me they try to talk for a while and then finding me unable to hold a conversation end up just completely giving in. My relief at no longer having to force out these words which I had so little confidence to say doesn’t last long, silence is still worse. Once you have had a conversation with a person, then being in their company for a significant period of time without saying a thing is just a nightmare. Nothing is worse to a shy person than prolonged uncomfortable silence, mostly because we spend the entire time trying to come up with something, anything to say, and are incapable of it. Then you have this hairdresser standing over you also feeling uncomfortable, and they start to speed up the cutting, which you can see is resulting in the cut being the worst one you have ever had, but you’re too shy to ask for anything to be done about it. You also find yourself just staring at yourself in the mirror in disbelief that the whole episode has degenerated into such a horrible experience, meanwhile you can’t help but catch your hairdressers eyes in the mirror every now and again, which makes you feel even worse, until you start desperately praying that the hairdresser is actually a homicidal maniac and will soon stab you in your throat with the scissors, and put you out of your misery. Fortunately you eventually get off the high chair, pay your money without making eye contact, and walk home swearing you will never ever again get another haircut.

Hannah took me into a very, very up market looking hair salon, which looked like a hair cut would cost about the same as a year of my rent. As we entered, a small little man ran up to Hannah and they started jumping up and down and laughing and squealing “It’s so good to see you” and hugging and kissing each other cheeks. I was then introduced to him, a man named ..Devon...

..Devon.. is the gayest person I have ever met. He was about five foot one, was completely bald, and had one of those beards which are trimmed to outline the jaw line. He had on a white silk shirt with about two buttons done up, and tight, tight little shiny black pants on. And he just had those real stereotypical gay mannerisms and speech, with the limp wrists and lisp.

As soon as he was introduced to me he said “So this is the famous Mr Jason Domey” he then reached up and ruffled at my hair and said “weeeeeelll, we do have some work to do here don’t we? Well come this way young Jason, were going to make you look nice and pretty for all the girls and boys out there”.

They took me out back and then a really hot girl came over and said she would be my hair washer. Having your hair washed in a salon turned out to be quite an alright experience. For one thing it felt quite nice with the warm water and feeling hands glide through my soapy hair, but more importantly it was a hot girl leaning over with a low cut top on, with my head arched so far back it was practically upside down and half the time looking right down her shirt or having her breasts smothering my face. I think suffocation by breasts would be a fine way to die.

With my hair all clean, I was taken over to a one of the chairs in front of a massive mirror and ..Devon.. came back over.

“So Mr Domey, what are we going to do for you today?” He asked

“I don’t know…..just sort of make it look better if you can…I have crappy hair” I replied

“Noooooo…you most certaintly do not…you have a gorgeous head of hair….so full and strong…..I’d kill for hair like this”

“So what do you think I should do to it?”

“Well do you trust me?”

“I guess”

“Well your pretty little friend Hannah there told me I was supposed to make you look really cool…do you want to look cool?

“I guess”

“Then you just sit back and let me work my magic…and I’ll make you the cutest boy on the street”

So he jumped to it, cutting hair off my head in what seemed at first like a blind man trying to skin a dog, he was just hacking in with scissors and hair flying all over the place, all the while he was telling me some story about the first time he met Hannah in the salon, when she had come in and asked for her hair to be turned blue, and he had talked her out of it. It wasn’t that interesting a story, but it saved me from having to talk which was a huge relief. Then he slowed down and started evening it out. Then he took to me with scissors which had comb as one of the blades which he told me would thin out the hair and make it more manageable. It was pretty much just looking like a normal every day private school boy cut at this stage, and I was starting to get worried that when he said he would make me the cutest boy in the street, that he meant to him, and that he liked school boys. This was even more evident when he suddenly said all done. “All done! This is a fucking awful cut” I thought to myself.

I was beginning to panic. With the smock they had me wearing to stop hair getting on my clothes and my hair looking like this I looked like I should run down to the nearest church and sign up for choir duty and become the sexual victim of a priest. Then ..Devon.. ran off and came back with a big stick of some white creamy substance. Turned out it was a stick of hair wax. He heated it up with a hair dryer and started to work it into my hair all over, just rubbing it right in.

Then completely out of the blue, like some magic trick, it just took shape and I looked like I should be singing in a boy band. It was all spiky on top and out the back in a semi Mohawk kind of fashion. I barely recognized myself; I actually thought I looked pretty good!....

Just to prove how stupid a person I can be sometimes, I felt really embarrassed about looking good. I mean I wanted to look good, but I didn’t want to be the centre of attention. Which isn’t easy to avoid when your good friend Hannah suddenly yells out “Oh my god Jason…you look HOT!” from right on the other side of the salon.

So that extremely rewarding experience ended with about twenty people from the salon having a big long stare at me, meaning I was far too embarrassed to be any where near adequately appreciative of Devon and Hannah when they told me the cut was for free for a friend of Hannah’s, and I was totally unprepared for when on departure Devon said to me “pity your not gay Jay or I’d bend you over any day!” Which I barely registered until it was too late and I’d already somehow replied “maybe one day.” This got quite a good laugh from the pair of them and quite a lot of teasing from Hannah after.

Session three for the day was to be at a day spa. This was actually the session I was most nervous about, mostly because Hannah made a point of saying that she wouldn’t elaborate on what we would be doing at this place. I wouldn’t say I was anything of an expert on the whole spa thing, I had never been to one obviously, I had never spoken to anyone about going to one, about the only thing I knew about them was that Derek went to one in the movie ‘Zoolander’ to be brainwashed into assassinating the Malaysian president. I was reasonably confident that Hannah didn’t have that in mind for me.

The day spa was located in what looked like an old warehouse from the outside, and the reception area resembled a cross between a hospital and a cosmetics store, all very clean and sterile looking with various products lined up on the walls and people in white lab coats walking around.

Again Hannah was recognized as we walked in by the girl at reception. She was about the same age as us and very thin, but extremely plain looking. I mean she wasn’t necessarily unattractive, if you tried to describe her to someone, and listed her features, she would sound quite pretty, long blonde hair, blue eyes, thin, tall with a big smile. She had no defining ugly features like a huge nose or no eyeballs. She was just plain, I felt sorry for her right away, but I don’t know why, if anything she seemed overly happy, one of those real happy-go-lucky personalities which can just see the good in anything.

I often have little spells of feeling really sorry for someone who I don’t know and who seem more than content with where they are or what they are doing. Like I’ll sit and watch someone eating their lunch, eating something which I personally don’t find all that appealing, but they have chosen to buy it to eat, out of a wide variety of possible choices, and they’ll be chowing in like a horse from a bucket, and have a smile on their face while their doing it, and I’ll sit there awash with empathy for them. I never really figured out why I do things like that, am I actually a naturally sympathetic person and just want the best for anyone around? Or am I just so incredibly selfish that I project myself into every situation and only worry about how it affects me? Or am I just an extremely psychologically challenged person? Probably a little of all three.

Anyways as Hannah and Beth (we were eventually introduced) caught up on some mutual friend gossip about how one of their male friends was caught making out with one of their gay male friends, even though he had always in the past denied any bi-sexual tendencies, I could tell right away why Beth had been hired to work the reception at this spa. Apart from being extremely outgoing, she also had the sweetest voice I had ever heard. With the cuteness of a six year old girl, but the energy and charisma of a CEO of a major company chairing a meeting on how profits had increased two hundred percent since she took control.

Eventually Beth took us out to the change rooms and handed us both white towels and said she’d see us in a sec.

.. ..

“What do we do now” I asked Hannah, just catching her as she disappeared into the women’s change room

“Go in there, take off all your clothes then come back out……I’ll meet you back here in one minute”

“Ok….so when you say take off all of your clothes, you mean naked apart from still wearing my pants right?”

“No….I mean get in there and get bare ass cock swaying in the wind naked…then get that naked little behind of yours out here”

“I don’t know if I want to do that”

“I don’t care if you want to…you’re going to….you can put the towel on if you want”

“Am I supposed to put the towel on?”

“Most people do….at least when out in the public areas like this”

“Well I would be putting on the towel even if most people walked out masturbating, no chance I am walking around nude!” I thought to myself as I reluctantly retired to the men’s change room.....

I looked around and saw no one else in the room, except a lot of lockers with piles of clothes in front of them. I was reasonably comfortable I was alone as I began to undress, but was still remarkably self conscience about getting naked in an open unfamiliar place. Turns out I had good reason to be worried; as I reached to grab my towel while completely naked, a man suddenly appeared from out of the sauna room, which was directly adjacent to the change areas.

I rushed to wrap the towel around myself, and felt my face flush with blood at the thought the man might have had enough time to sneak a peak at my bits. I don’t know why I thought he would want to have snuck a peak. Maybe the reason I thought that he might have tried for a look had something to do with the fact that I couldn’t help to have my own uncomfortably long stare at his penis.

Not that I find the site of the male sex organ all that appealing. Just that, well, I had never seen one before in the flesh up so close, other than mine of course, I didn’t want to look, it just sort of grabbed my attention. Like if you drive past a car accident and a man has been decapitated by his own windscreen, you don’t derive pleasure from starring at a corpse with its head lying on the ground next to it, and more blood than an abattoir floor. You just look because, I don’t know, it’s captivating. So looking at this guy’s penis probably wasn’t as bad as looking at a headless corpse, but it wasn’t fun. And yet I looked. And didn’t look away as fast as I should of. When looking at a penis of another man, the difference between half a second and one and a half seconds is enormous.

I don’t know if he caught me looking or not, because I didn’t look anywhere near his eyes. I just swiveled on the spot and walked out of the room with my head down starring at the footprint stained tiles. Fortunately this image was quickly replaced in my mind with that of Hannah standing in the hallway wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her waist.

As you know this is a sight I had seen before, but I am still a guy, and a deprived guy at that, I don’t think there will ever be a point when I don’t gain some pleasure from the site of Hannah in a state of undress. I always wondered if she knew how much she drove guys wild with her sexual flaunting, surely she must. Maybe that’s what made it so unbelievably enchanting – the fact that she did it so blatantly and acted so nonchalant about it. If she had of acted in a ‘look at me’ sort of way, then I probably just would have thought ‘you dirty slut’, I mean I still would have looked and enjoyed looking, but wouldn’t have been so captivated.

Hannah led us down a corridor and into another hospital looking room, with two of those massage tables lined up side by side. We both climbed up and put our heads into the holes they cut out for your face, as Hannah explained that we were about to receive a Thai massage and that when it was over I would feel a sensation like nothing I had ever felt before.

We lay like that for about two or three minutes as my dirty mind tried to summon up some images in my head of some cute little Asian girl coming in to massage me. So I was more than surprised when in walked two really pumped up looking men in tight, tight tank tops, showing off more muscle in one bicep than I had on my whole body.

Now despite some of the things I have said so far in my story for you, I am no homophobic and I have no problem with gay people at all. In fact some of the nicest people I have ever met have been gayer than bingo night in a backpackers bar. However I couldn’t say I was really delighted to find out that a guy, one that any girl or gay boy in the world would give a limb to spend some time naked with, was going to be spending the next thirty minutes or so rubbing my naked body.

Times like these are when extreme shyness really cruel you. Its not that I didn’t want to ask if maybe a girl could do the massage, it’s that I was far, far, far too shy to ask for the change of staff. As it turned out Hannah explained later (with plenty of laughing) that several masseurs would have come in and I was able to choose which ever one I liked the most, and later on I happened to meet the girl that would of come in next to introduce herself, had I not decided that the first potential masseur was exactly what I was looking for, and she looked like she had just been vacuumed off the cover of one of the cosmopolitan magazines in the waiting area.

He introduced himself as Magnus, and pretty much went to work on my shoulders straight away. He kept saying over and over as he rubbed me “you’re carrying a lot of tension in your shoulders” or something along those lines. “Yeah I wonder why I would be tense in a time like this.” I sarcastically asked my own brain. Then he kept saying things like “Think of a relaxing time in your life and transport yourself there”.

For some reason I thought of the time soon after I had been bashed and was high on pain killers. Then I remembered my little pact with myself that when I was in positions I didn’t want to be in I should think of what will help that situation right now, and do that even if it wasn’t something I liked the thought of. In this case the best thing I could think of was to just put aside my homophobia (ok I’ll admit it, I have some homophobia, seriously not that much though, I promise) and just enjoy it. It’s a massage – it’s supposed to be enjoyed.

So I took some deep breaths and began to relax myself. I could hear Hannah on the table next to me making the odd mmmmm moaning sound, I wanted to watch her massage being done, but a curtain had been pulled between the benches, so I set my mind into action. I began to think of her naked again, this wasn’t hard, I have Hannah nude burned into my memory bank. Then I put her up on the bench and began to massage her myself. She would moan more and more, and tell me how much she loved the feel of my hands on her body.

Then I would start to spread the massage out to more and more parts of her body, before flipping her around and starting to massage some of the less massaged frontal areas of her. She would be getting all hot and start to thrust out her hips begging for more, more, more. Until I could resist no longer and shed my clothes and fuck her like she had never been fucked before - right there on the massage bench. This fantasy along with the feeling of the expert massage I was receiving, even if it was by a guy, was quite a pleasurable feeling. ....

Suddenly I was startled by Magnus telling me he was finished. At first I was disappointed that it was over, I was enjoying it, and I didn’t want it to end. Then I had a much different reason to not want it to be over. ....

Hannah had predicted before we began that by the end I would feel a sensation in my body which I had never felt before. Well I did. What I felt, after just receiving a massage from what would be considered a very ‘hunky’ guy, was that I had a rock hard erection. I mean as hard as I ever get in my life. It was pointing out from me like a eight year old boy points out ice cream shops to his mum, like a sailor having been at sea for six months points out land to his captain, like a soldier points out a line of tanks heading in his companies direction. If I stood up this thing would have pointed itself out to anyone who came anywhere near me.

Now if you’re not already aware of this, you may be interested to know several bits of information. When you’re a heterosexual guy who’s just received a Thai massage from a man, you don’t want to have an erection at the end. When you’re too shy to say hello back to half the people who say hello to you, you don’t want to have to explain to people “Yeah it’s an erection, I just got a massage from this hot guy in there, but seriously that’s not why I have an erection, I promise”. When you’re completely naked apart from a towel, you have absolutely no chance of hiding an erection. It’s like standing in a packed camping ground and hoping not to spot a tent. Tents stand out, whether pegged to the ground or trying to escape your nether regions. ....

One more thing, when you really don’t want an erection, thinking about it doesn’t help it go away. If you have a raging hard on the only sure way to guarantee it stays as hard as a chunk of teak wood, is to think to yourself “please go away erection, please go away erection, please go away erection” it just makes it get harder. But then of course when you’re thinking along these lines there really is only one thing you can think of “please go away erection, please go away erection”. It’s a vicious cycle.

I had to think fast. What could I hold up in front of it? Nothing, nothing at all in the whole bloody room! Maybe I could just scrunch up my towel in front of it? Nope that wouldn’t work, walking out of this room wearing nothing but a towel which I have crunched up in front of crotch with my ass out for all to see was about the only thing which could possibly make me look gayer than a big prominent erection.

I had to stall. “Mind numbingly boring small talk; that will do it” I thought to myself.

“So Magnus….any big plans for the weekend?” I asked

“Oh yeah mate….I’m having a party at my house on the weekend…there is going to be some hot girls there!” He replied

“Don’t go into more details!” I thought to myself

“There is this one girl coming…all the way from Sweden…out on holidays from college…well last time she was out here…..and I swear this is the gods honest truth….she ended up having a full on threesome with two other girls in the spa….in front of everyone…and I don’t mean just kissing…..I mean titty grabbing, pussy munching, full out sex… was so awesome”

“This isn’t helping!” I thought to myself “Please go away erection, please go away erection”

“The other two aren’t going to be there this time….but I’m telling you this girl was hot man….she is not going to have any trouble filling up the spa this time…mark my words” Magnus continued to ramble on with his attempt to write a story worthy of playboy, completely out of character from his masseur persona, and in way, way too much graphic detail.

Then Hannah yelled something out from outside the room, and it was both completely to my rescue and completely horrible.

“She had the nicest set of tits I have ever seen…..real ones too…I mean you don’t see that many girls with like really big hooters and still thin and fit bodies when there not fake… can tell by the way they move….fake ones just sort of stay in the same position all the time…..not that I don’t still like them….I mean tits are tits, and tits are good….you’re a guy….you know what I’m talking about man!” Magnus continued with this totally inappropriate and totally unhelpful story, despite my reluctance to join in. I mean in normal circumstances I would have loved to hear a story like this. But not just after I had received a massage from this guy, and was naked, and had an erection which could star in a Viagra commercial.

“Yeah” I replied “Shut the fuck up” I thought “Please go away erection, please go away erection, please go away erection”

“YOU COMING OUT JAS” Hannah yelled from the hallway “IT’S TIME FOR YOUR BACK WAX”

“IT’S TIME FOR MY FUCKING WHAT?” I yelled in reply

“Geeze that Hannah friend of yours has a great set of her own….do you think she would come to my party if I asked her?” Magnus whispered to me

“YOUR FUCKING BACK WAX!” Hannah yelled back

I jumped down off the bench, and walked into the hall, “do you really think I need a back wax?” I asked Hannah as I exited the room.

“Oh my fucking god! I forgot about the fucking erection!” I screamed at my brain as I slammed my chin on my chest having an emergency check of the bulge in the front of my towel

“What are you looking at? Just making sure your bits are still there? Don’t worry mate….getting a massage wont make your penis fall off….I would never do that to you….how else will I ever get a chance to ride on top of it?” Hannah said while struggling not to burst into hysterical laughter.

“Yeah right” I said with just a tint of relief in my voice having discovered on inspection that my erection had actually instantly dissipated from Hannah’s mention of the waxing

“Its not that you need a back wax….you only have a bit of a scattering of hair back there don’t you….but it will get rid of that…at least for a few weeks….and I have a good feeling that you’ll soon be having some girls grabbing hold of your back as they scream out from the orgasm you have just given them…and trust me, grabbing a hairy back does not help you have the best orgasm of your life”

“I really don’t think I am going to have that problem”

“Only because you talk yourself out of it….but trust me by the time I am done with you, you’ll be having all the sex you can handle….so is that a good enough incentive to go through a little pain?”

“How much pain?”

“Well I promise you it will be less than I am about to have”

“What are you about to have?”

“A Brazilian wax”

“What’s a Brazilian wax?”

“It’s when they wax off any hair in your entire pubic and anal region”

“Jesus Christ!”

“Yeah see” She said before turning around and bending over lifting her towel and spreading her ass cheeks. “See how my hair has grown in around here? I don’t want that”

“Jesus Christ!”

“Is it that bad? Ok let’s get to this” she replied, having misinterpreted what had alarmed me about a girl bending over and spreading her arse cheeks

“Yes let’s go a waxing” I didn’t really feel like going a waxing, but I also didn’t want to stand there and get another erection under this towel from anymore looking or thinking about Hannah’s naked body. Although I still cant believe my luck that Hannah decided to bend over and show me her entire sexual region like that, and just my bloody luck I was in just about the only situation where I couldn’t enjoy it in the slightest.

The waxing didn’t end up being that bad. The wax was really hot and felt weird and gooey, sort like honey on my back. Then the women would take these sheets of sticky paper and rip the hair out by the roots. It sounds bad, but I really don’t have that much hair back there. So it was over pretty quickly. The only part that really hurt was my neck, and I felt a little sore and irritated after, but other than that I have caused myself more pain from injuries incurred while masturbating.

I think girls really must just being whinging about all that waxing they do just to get us boys sympathy. Sure I wouldn’t want to do it every week, but it’s not like hell on earth the way it’s made out by some people. I’ll tell you what, how about us guys make a pact with all you girls and we’ll agree that we’ll wax all our unnecessary hair off every week instead of you, and then you have to take responsibility for making all the first moves in meeting, getting to know, and getting us into bed. Do you think that would work better?

Actually something just occurred to me. Lots of you girls must be doing what Hannah did, and getting that whole region down there waxed off, and let me tell you I for one really appreciate it, I mean I don’t get to see that area that often, but it’s a great look when I do get to see it that way. But there is no chance, no way in hell, no way in twenty seven thousand years, that me, and I think I speak for most guys, will ever let someone rip the hair around my arsehole out from the roots. And I don’t want that hot, hot wax anywhere near my penis. Are you girl’s nuts or what?

Next thing on the agenda was something called a full body scrub and wrap. They took us into another room with two benches on them. Hannah jumped up and threw her towel in the corner. I jumped on my bench and volunteered to leave my towel wrapped around me. Hannah rolled her eyes.

Then in came two small Chinese women, who never said a word, and preceded to poor some warm mud type substance all over us. They then rubbed it all in, over our entire bodies, well not my entire body, I made them work around my towel – more eye rolling.

As they rubbed it in it felt almost sand papery, and not all that nice. Hannah explained to me that this was “exfoliating” our skin, which apparently is good. Then they took some giant sheets of aluminum foil and wrapped us up like Egyptian mummies. Which was quite a weird feeling, it was really warm and gooey inside and was good for about five minutes until claustrophobia started to take over, and I spent the next ten minutes desperately wanting to get out until they came and unwrapped us, and I felt like I had been cooked.

Our spa program had now come to an end, and we were sent to our respective change rooms to shower and get dressed. I slid into the shower and washed mud out of places like my butt crack and gaps between my toes. I got dressed in the shadow of two more naked men, this time older men, whom I had no problems what so ever avoiding staring at the penis’s of, well not for too long. I met up with Hannah in the hallway, and we left. On the way out Hannah asked me how I was feeling, and I thought about it for a minute or so, and then had to confess that I did feel good. It had been a far from normal day so far, and the past couple of hours in the spa were not spent entirely in ways which I would call ‘fun’, but all in all my skin felt good, my back felt good, and I felt sort of refreshed, like you do three quarters of the way into a holiday. Where the hassle of packing and getting to where ever it is you’re at is a forgotten memory, and the stress of repacking and going back to normality and bordomilty are still just far enough away to not occupy your mind too much, you’re just relaxed and enjoying it. I think people spend thousands of dollars and give up two weeks of their lives over and over again, just to feel like that for those two or three days, three quarters of the way in. So I would have to say if I made a list of the good and bad that my spa experience had provided me with, good would probably win. That’s not to say that I would be in any sort of rush to go back there.

So onto the last session of the day – furniture shopping. This is how I met Ellie.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 15


“It’s important to listen to what people are really saying to you;

It is the words which they don’t say which hide the magic!”

A couple of uneventful days passed and I was sitting around doing nothing much, when I had a knock on the door. I couldn’t answer it though; I was in the middle of something. Thing is I was on the toilet, as you do, I don’t know why admitting that has to be so embarrassing, I mean we all do it. Anyway, as I was sitting there trying to contemplate whether I should just not answer it when it suddenly occurred to me that it might be Jenny, coming around having changed her mind about how sweet I was. So I rushed to finish, which if you have ever tried isn’t actually easy to do. Still potentially having sex is always a great motivator. And at least I discovered exactly how painful it is when you release the elastic of your pants while it hovers over your nether regions, quite painful by the way.

Then having finish and then rushing to answer the door I discovered it wasn’t even Jenny anyway, still I wasn’t at all disappointed when I found Hannah standing there.

“What are you doing today? ..........Nothing! I thought so…Good! Today we are taking you out to be metrosexualised!” Hannah said before she even said hello. She never bothers with formalities, just gets straight to the point.

“What! ......I don’t want to do any gay stuff!” I replied as I resisted Hannah’s attempts to drag me out of my apartment by my sleeve

“Not homosexual you draino…..metrosexual! You’re in serious need of a make over Jas, and that’s what we are doing today”

“Hang on hang on hang on….what are you going to do to me? ….I don’t know if I’m going to like this!”

“Now Mr Domey it’s about fucking time you started trusting me and stop being so scared to do new things….I’m here to help you…so start showing me some appreciation OK!” She said in the angriest tone I had ever heard from her

“OoooK lets go” I whined

“He he he he he he…I’m so glad you’re talkable into things…be better if you were just a crazy do anything once kind of guy…but I guess this is more fun…you get to be my little project now!”

“I don’t know if I want to be a project?”

“I know…that’s why it’s so much fun” She said with a giggle

So off we went into the unknown. Hannah waited until we were on the train before she decided to ask me what my financial situation was at the moment. It wasn’t very good; I was living off Government hand outs after all. I did have about five hundred dollars saved up though. One of the few really good things about being a boring loser, who goes nowhere and does nothing and has no nice things, is that you just naturally don’t spend much money. Hannah promised me it would be more than enough for what she had in mind.

Hannah took me to this suburb I had never been before. I’m not really sure how to describe what it was like on first impressions. Quite a few words come to mind, but none of them on their own fit exactly. So I’ll just tell you some of them – funky, alternative, weird, gay, scary, dirty, arty, smelly, and strange. It was just this crazy little pocket of the world where people from all walks of life congregated seemingly just to be peculiar together.

As we got off the train station and walked towards the shops my first impression was that Hannah had taken me to a freak show. The very first two people I saw as we exited the station were two transsexuals. You might ask how I so accurately picked them out as she-hims. Well I’m no lady boy expert but when you’re dressed like these two were it’s not all that hard.

The first one was wearing nothing but a bra for a top, which showed quite real looking boobies in them, and then a pair of bike shorts which showed quite a solid looking package in it, the type of package which you never ever want to see inside a girls bike pants.

The second one was wearing a dress, again with real looking breasts protruding from the top but also had a goatee beard. I made an assumption that if she lifted her skirt for some reason I would also see a package in her/his underpants. I didn’t look long enough to confirm this assumption though. Not that I have anything against chicks with dicks per say, but when you look at freak of nature, you only look long enough to be horrified and then look away, attempting to erase it from your memory bank as quick as possible. I forget faces easily, I don’t forget freaks easily.

As we walked down the street I realized that as alternative as a neighborhood this was, there were still plenty of relatively normal people as well. There were just average looking student types and old people, just mixed in with guys with ear rings as chunky as my wrist, girls with purple hair and chains running from their nose to their ears, and lots and lots of gay couples.

I could tell Hannah was a regular in this neck of the woods. We hadn’t walked more than twenty feet before a girl came up to talk to her. Don’t you hate it when you’re with a friend, and someone they know comes up to talk to them, only thing is your friend makes an initial judgment that it will probably just be a quick hello and lets move on, and therefore doesn’t go through the introductions which are required before you can even stand next to them and feel somewhat welcome. However then the quick hello turns into a full on catch up session, so as they start going on about things like “Did you hear Clarrisa is pregnant?” and “Oh my god she is only fifteen do her parents know?” and “I would think so - her dad is the father!”, you’re just stuck standing there feeling like some weirdo who has sidled up next to them to eavesdrop on their private conversation. Meanwhile you’re trying to find the balance between not wanting to be a nosey nobody prying in on their intimate discussions, but also not wanting to just stand on the street twiddling your thumbs next to them, when they know all too well that you’re with them. So you end up standing next to them trying to look to outsiders like you were part of the conversation but trying to look to them that you’re not listening to what they’re saying. Which results in you making faces like you can see monkeys playing in their hair. Then the person who has approached your friend starts giving you looks like she has just remembered you from the time you came up to her on the street and stuck your hand straight down her jeans and started to giggle. Until eventually their conversation ends, and you and your friend walk off with her giving you some way too late explanation of their relationship history, while you’re wishing that a car would suddenly swerve to avoid hitting a stray dog and instead accidentally crush you up against a mail box! (Have I mentioned I’m not yet good in all social situations?)

Anyways I could also tell Hannah was a regular because she knew the area better than I know the fastest way to make myself the most uncomfortable person in a room. First thing we did was go for lunch. Hannah claimed she knew the best place for Asian food in the city and for some reason this so called best Asian chef in a city as big as ours sells his food somewhere that you have to by psychic to find.

To get there Hannah took us into a nondescript dark green door, which had no advertising or even an address on it. Then we entered an empty hall way, which was long and narrow. At the end we could choose between a dark stair case to the right going down, or a well lit one to the left going up. We went the dark one down. At the bottom of this surprisingly deep stair case was another nondescript door, which we opened up into another empty hallway. We walked down the hallway and there was another door, which led us out into a little garden area. We walked through the garden and into the back of a house through some fly screens, and inside was the craziest little restaurant I have seen.

It really wasn’t like a restaurant at all. It was more like someone’s living room, only instead of couches and televisions there were about seven tables. The tables were all full of old Chinese men, with wise old looks, and faces and bodies which looked like they had died three years earlier, and they were silently eating noodles from bowls with chopsticks.

As we entered a middle aged Chinese woman wearing one of those silk wrap around shiny Chinese dresses, this one bright purple with golden dragons all over it, came up to us and said “Welmon wack Miss Anar, please wollow we to wore table” (or something like that, I’m really not good at doing accents). We followed her down yet another hallway into a second dining area. This one was also full of old, old Chinese men silently eating noodles, but also had one empty table where we were instructed to sit, and an open kitchen where Mr Miaggi (I still swear it was actually him) from Karate Kid was busily cooking in a manner which from a distance seriously looked like he needed eight hands. He had about ten pots or pans going at once, and he was just rapidly flipping things and chopping things, barely even looking at what he was doing, it was just all instinct.

There were no menus on the table which made me quite nervous until Hannah explained to me that I could ask for any Asian meal I could think of and he would make it for me. Hannah tried to talk me into getting something called a ‘Seafood Laksa’, but when the hostess came back to “wake ouwer worder”, I ordered Satay Chicken. This resulted in about four of the old men at other tables to look up at me and give me scarly looks, “apparently not a popular choice” I thought. Hannah got the Laksa.

When the food arrived my first response was too thank god for not letting Hannah talk me into what she was having. A Seafood Laksa turned out to be a bowl of noodles and soup, but floating in the soup was about eight varieties of disgusting fish parts. The worst of which was small whole baby octopuses, and revoltingly fish heads, eyes and all. Hannah gulped it all up like she hadn’t eaten in months. Fortunately my concentration on her meal was soon replaced by the pure deliciousness of my own. It honestly was the best satay chicken I had ever had.

Finally as we ate Hannah decided to outlay her game plan for the day. Apparently the program had four distinct sessions. First would be clothes shopping, second would be a hair cut, third would be my appointment at something called a ‘day spa’, of which Hannah refused to deliberate on further, and forth was furniture shopping.

I expressed an initial reluctance to do just session two, oh and one and three, until Hannah gave me one of her trademark guilt trips about how her heart would be broken, and she had gone to a lot of trouble, and she had made appointments, and she had called in favors from friends, and she had made deposits, and how she had gone to church and prayed for guidance on our journey and how she wouldn’t be my friend anymore if I didn’t go through with it all, until I reluctantly agreed to place my entire faith and future into her trustful hands.

We then exited the restaurant to start the process. This required almost now expectantly a walk down a long hallway, and through a nondescript door, which led surprisingly into a the back of the most stereotypical Asian takeaway you will ever see, with a big glass case full of a variety of pre prepared meals, and a clientele of white students and tourists, and we exited the take away right onto the main busy shopping street. Hannah never explained “what the fuck was the deal with that place?”

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 14


“Sometimes the roughest road leads to the prettiest meadow”

After my triumphant comeback tour into the life of a university student, I managed to break from class for the mid semester holidays in a much better mood than usual. That’s not to say that I wasn’t still me. I mean I had changed a bit, I had grown a bit, and I had decreased the influence that some of my fears had had in destroying the fabric of my existence over the course of my life up till now. However I was still a Nobby No Friend loser, so I spent the first couple of weeks reacquainting myself with some of my old bad habits.

So I’d watch lots of television and movies at home in the dark, I’d eat lots of terrible food and throw the empty take away cartons straight onto the floor, and occasionally I’d even go for a walk past one of my old peeping tom houses, careful not to stop or even slow down as I walked past, and making sure I only had a quick look out of the corner of my eye. I never saw anyone in the windows though, and strangely I was always relieved to fail on these missions. I guess I didn’t want my nudity to come from girls who didn’t want to show it to me anymore.

Then one day while I was lying on my bed wearing only a pair of boxer shorts and with a chocolate stain on my bare stomach I suddenly had a knock on the door.

I opened it up and was nearly blinded by the sudden gush of sunlight hitting my face, and when the red light flashes cleared from my vision I had Hannah standing in front of me.

“So Mr Domey is still alive after all” She said

“Yes” I replied

“So why haven’t you called me…..I haven’t heard a thing from you in three weeks!”

“But the assignment is over!”

“Oh really… you don’t want to speak to me anymore……it was only about the assignment…..we’re not friends any more!”

“I thought you wouldn’t want to be”

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…….Jason……you really crack me up sometimes….and I have bad news for you old pal….I’ve gotten to know you now…….and I like you believe it or not….I like you quite a bit in fact… I don’t care whether you like it or not we’re friends now and your just going to have to put up with me”


“I’m so glad you’re so thrilled and enthusiastic about that prospect”

“I really a”

“I know I know….sorry I didn’t call you all holidays yet….I was actually camping with some mates….no electronics allowed….so no phone obviously….but thing is I’m having a dinner party tonight…and your coming!”

“Oh…..I’m not sure that I can”

“How did I know you were going to say something like that to me? That’s why I came in person instead of calling you… do you really have some other plans tonight?

“Sort of”


“I don’t know just stuff”

“You can do stuff anytime!”


“So come along”

“I don’t know”

“Look Jason….you look me right in the eyes right now and tell me that what you are going to do tonight is more important than coming to dinner at your good friend Hannah’s place…who has been slaving herself in a hot steamy kitchen all day just to create a wonderful meal for you…..only for you to not show up…and she’ll have to feed all of her hard, hard work to some alley dog”

“Um….well…um…Ok…..I’ll come…I guess”

“He he he he…..I knew you would….I reckon I could talk you into doing just about anything for me couldn’t I? Might have to test that out one day!........anyways come over at about seven thirty and dress as nice as you can ok?”


“Seeya wouldn’t want to shag ya….not quite yet anyway” She said as she suddenly departed and hurried down the street

“Aaaaaawwwwweeeegggghhh…..I don’t want to go to a dinner party” I moaned to myself as I closed the door.

I guess Hannah was nice about one thing (well lots of things in hindsight). She had waited till reasonably late in the afternoon to force me into this horrible social situation, which allowed me only a couple of hours of panic and only a pound or two in lost weight from sweating.

I made my way over there at about seven forty five – trying to be careful not to be too early or too late. So I was surprised when I got there to discover I was the last to arrive. I was guest number five. So as I walked into the room, after Hannah had greeted me at the door, I had four unfamiliar faces starring right at me. It’s amazing what a powerful force eight eyes in unison can project. It felt physically difficult to fight it as I entered.

Hannah was right about one thing. Her apartment was as shit as mine. Only she had made a better fist of decorating hers. Hers was about the same size as mine, about the inside of a voltswagon beetle. Only she had managed to do much more with the space. Her bed was a bunk bed with no bottom bunk; underneath she had a couch instead, with her television and stereo opposite. And the entire rest of the apartment was made up of a dining table with six square backless chairs around it. On closer inspection the chairs turned out to be milk crates with a cushion on top and like a small dining cloth over them. They were all different colors. The dining table also turned out to be milk crates leggoed together with a dining cloth over the top. Later Hannah told me that when she wasn’t using it all as a dining set up she would turn two of the chairs into a coffee table, two of them into side tables for the couch, the other two would stay as seats, and the dining table would be rearranged into shelving. I thought this was quite an inventive method of furnishing such a small space.

The rest of the apartment was basically a dump. The walls were covered in posters for bands and movies which I had never heard of, but to the side of them you could tell the walls were filthy. The kitchen and the bathroom were completely falling apart, and the carpet was only actually carpet in some spots, other spots were burn marks and others were just big holes with old moldy floor boards showing underneath. By this stage Hannah had been to my place several times, so upon seeing hers I was both impressed and relieved that I didn’t have to be so embarrassed about mine anymore.

Although that was only a minor relief, I did have other matters pressing at my nervous buttons of course - a dinner party!

“So this is the world famous photographer Jason Domey” One of the girls said as I entered the room. There were three other girls and one other guy apart from Hannah and me.

“Yes this is Jason” said Hannah “Jas, this is the gang…over here is Katherine (she pointed at the one who had addressed me as I entered)…this is Clair and her boyfriend Leigh (she pointed at the two on the far side of the table) and this is the lovely Jennifer” (she pointed at the girl who I was currently standing over, forcing her to look up over her head and up my nose to say ‘nice to meet you’ back to me”)

“It’s just Jenny” Jenny said as she tested out those neck muscles of hers

“Hi everyone” I lamely forced out

“Come and sit next to me” Jenny said.

Of the three girls at the table, Jenny was the stand out as far as looks were concerned, at least to me. She was short and very petite, but just had this unbelievably cute face, which looked like it should be on ads for fabric softeners. She had those round cheeks which made her entire face light up with even the briefest of smiles and the softest looking skin I had ever seen. On first impressions anyone would just assume she would be the sweetest girl in the entire world, she just had a face like that. She was a brunette with a shortish shaggy haircut and was wearing a tight white t-shirt which said ‘semi’ on the front, and small shorts which showed off how petite she was.

Katherine was probably the least attractive of the girls, in my pointless opinion,, but she was attractive in her own ways. She had her nose and tongue pierced, was wearing a scarf in her hair, and was wearing baggy almost hippyish clothes which covered up a larger and curvier body.

Clair looked to me what a Clair should look like. She was a redhead with freckles, only not that really orange red, more like the brownie reddy type. She was pretty without being anything especially special, just a normal attractive girl. She was wearing simple jeans and plain blue singlet, but I didn’t really pay her that much attention, I have never really known how to treat a girl with a boyfriend, you don’t want to be too friendly in case he takes some offense to it, and you cant have a red hot perve, so I just pretty much try to ignore them.

Leigh looked a little like a Brad Pitt wanna be. He had what looked like a well maintained hair cut, all spiky in the front, was wearing a white button up shirt with the top five or so buttons undone showing off what must have been a waxed chest, he had that designer stubble three day growth look happening, and clearly had a heavy beard. I can barely grow any facial hair and I still have some chest hair, he had none. Apart from that he was wearing baggy jeans and sandals for shoes, with the bottom of the jeans all frayed from dragging on the ground. I wondered if I could pull off a look like that.

Hannah meanwhile seemed to be having a bit of an army themed day. She was wearing camouflaged cargo pants, and a tight black t-shirt, with her hair in a pony tale. She looked like she could head straight from dinner into basic training at the local military base, I never figured out how she could dress so differently from day to day but still always look the part, where as I could wear just about anything and would feel completely out of place. Must be something to do with attitude, that or some people are just lucky I guess.

I was wearing my only pair of jeans and a baggy dark grey t-shirt, Hannah told me to dress nice, but nice wasn’t something I had. However having shown up I realized she meant just nice for me, this was certainly a casual group.

I sat down next to Jenny as instructed as Hannah began to fill the table with food. She put out a big bowl of buns and then a plate of corn on the cob.

“How do you like your steak?” Hannah yelled out at me over the sound of numerous things sizzling on the fry pan in front of her

“Well done” I responded

“You can be so predictable sometime Jas” She said with a giggle

“What does that bloody mean?” I thought

The rest of the table then proceeded to give me a four on one interview about my whole life up till then. They asked me questions about my family. I managed to speak reasonably positively about my parents somehow, I also managed to say nice things about my brothers, and how nice it was that they had their careers and girlfriends, those bastards.

They asked me about my relationship history. I resisted my overwhelming desire to confess that in fact I only had one sexual experience with any female of any kind and that was with an old truly disgustingly ugly woman. Instead I pretended that she was my one short-term girlfriend, who was older, but not much, who I had parted with due to differences in ideas on where we wanted to go. Apparently we broke up because she was getting to that age where she wanted to settle down, and I was too young to be going down that road yet. I thought it was a pathetic enough history that they wouldn’t suspect I was lying, I mean when you lie about such things you tend to make it sound good, but I don’t think Hannah believed a word of it, she kept giving me these wry smiles from over in the kitchen area, at least to her credit she didn’t reveal the truth.

The others all seemed more than convinced. Jenny was particularly nice about it. She would say things like “that must have been really hard on you” and she rubbed my leg. That was sweet of her.

They asked me about my career up to now and I told them about my security job. Only I somehow forgot to tell them about the whole firing episode. Instead I made up some story about how it was just a short term job, but wasn’t going anywhere, and I needed to quit to concentrate on my art. This got more wry smiles from Hannah, and more leg rubbing and comfort from Jenny.

They asked me about school and my living arrangements and a whole other pile of things which I don’t remember. In my memories defense of this, I was somewhat distracted. For one thing I had the incredible uncomfortablness from being interrogated by four strangers. But also I was constantly distracted by what turned out to be this group of friends own vocabulary. ....

They had invented their own words for lots of things. A really, really attractive girl was referred to as a ‘moisty’. A girl who was not attractive would be called dry, only not just dry, she would be “dry as a pack of salted nuts half way through a marathon”, or “dry as a month old dog shit on a driveway”, if you’re a girl you pretty much don’t want to be referenced to anything which could be considered not wet. A girl who was attractive but not quite a moisty was a ‘semi-moist’ or just ‘semi’. “‘Semi’ as in what’s written on Jenny’s shirt? I think she is more of a moisty myself”.

‘Semi’ it turned out was a word that could be used in numerous situations.

“Are the steaks ready yet?” Leigh asked

“Semi done” answered Hannah

“Are we getting smashed tonight” asked Katherine

“Semi” answered both Clair and Hannah

“Draino!....I’m getting completely smashed” replied Leigh

Draino was their other big word. Anything could be draino, and they would all yell it out together. Someone drops food on the floor “Draino!” Someone says they can’t stay that late “Draino!” someone asks someone else to grab them a beer “Draino!” They would all yell it out at the same time, seemingly trying to be the quickest. Although there was no prize for being the fastest I don’t think.

Apparently to say ‘Alan’ meant you didn’t like something and were therefore ‘off it’ like Alan Moffit. ‘Peter’ meant you were over it’ like ‘Peter Tover’, and to be ‘David’ meant you were a complete arsehole and therefore just like ‘David Holesbrook’. It was all a bit confusing to me. ....

At first it all seemed a little childish, but after a while I got into the fun of it all and was yelling out draino and semi like the rest of them. In fact by the end of the night I actually had the confidence to say the comment “I met this girl last week, but she was no moisty, barely a semi, bit of a draino really!”

You don’t really believe I would say that do you? I did think to say it, but I didn’t actually say it. Mostly I just sat around as the rest of the table discussed everything from why reality television is so crap (everyone except for Leigh – he loved it), why music was so crap these days (everyone except for Leigh – he loved it, mostly because as he described it there were so many moisties on the charts these days like Brittany Spears and Lilly Allen). They discussed politics, work, school, people they knew, relationship issues, and lots of other things. I basically just sat quietly, only really ever speaking when the table had a round of “Draino” which I would join in on.

Also with any topic what so ever, I don’t care if they were discussing ethnic cleansing, if a female was mentioned Leigh without question would ask “Was she a moisty?” I was surprised he was so open about his perving inclinations with his girlfriend right there, but she didn’t seem to care, she would usually giggle along with the rest of us. They were a very laughy bunch; maybe it was the beers and wine non stop draining down their throats! Only thing was when Leigh was telling a story there was no one to ask the questions if the girls in it were moisties or not. So out of no where I asked.

Leigh was telling a story of some draino girl who was seriously draining him at the library, when he was returning some draino book, when I piped up with “Was she a moisty?” Everyone found me asking that very amusing, I was quite proud of myself. As everyone was laughing Jenny even gave me a bit of a hug. The answer was she was only a semi, in case you were wondering.

As the night wore on I managed to find myself more and more an actual part of the conversations. I didn’t say a lot, but I offered the odd opinion on various topics. One thing I liked about this group was that they always considered every different opinion. They never bagged each other, they never argued, in fact almost not surprisingly the most cruel thing anyone said all night was I think everyone at some stage called everyone else a draino.

At one point near the end of the night everyone was laughing along to a story Katherine was telling us - about the time she was in Amsterdam and desperate for a piss, and couldn’t find anywhere to go, so decided to sneak down an alley and lift up her skirt, have a squat and go on the street. Only thing was she didn’t realize that the building she was urinating on was in fact the back of the police station where they had cameras watching. She thought it must have been the only time in history where someone was arrested with both the arrestee and the cops laughing their heads off.

I was pissing myself laughing, as was everyone else, then I caught Hannah starring at me, not laughing, but just with this oh so happy smile on her face, we looked at each other for a little while and then she gave me a wink before looking away to call Katherine a draino. I think she was just happy to see me happy. I felt lucky to now have her as my friend.

As unlikely as it seems there was actually several times I was able to piss myself laughing that night. The other one I most remember was a story which Clair had told us about one night Leigh had cooked them both dinner, he cooked spaghetti, and as was custom in their house the non cooker did the cleaning. Only thing was on this particular night when she was half way through the dishes, with the sink still full of water and left over pasta and sauce, she was distracted by Leigh’s desire to go to the bedroom for some ‘fun’. In the end he went out with some mates and she just went to bed – dishes undone.

She woke up in the morning and had a look in the sink and saw a quite grotesque sight. The sink was full of stinking rotting food from the night before covering all the dishes and all over the sink. She concluded that it must have just ended up like that after the water had drained out, and therefore it was her responsibility. So she spent the next twenty minutes scrubbing away with her bare hands and a sponge to get it all clean enough to eat off.

She then sat back and ate herself an apple for breakfast. When Leigh woke up and walked into the room right as Clair had the now half eaten apple engulfed in her hand. His first words of the day were “Honey don’t go near the sink, had a bit too much to drink last night and ended up puking in there when I got home!” That’s just gross.

As the evening drew to a close I had come to the conclusion that I was quite fond of Hannah’s friends. They seemed like a really fun bunch to me, I could see myself enjoying their company in the future.

They all seemed reasonably fond of me too. Leigh seemed most impressed by me because of one of my recent achievements, which I could tell by the way about seven times he suddenly blurted out “I can’t believe you got to spend four hours with naked with Hannah!” This received numerous responses, such as all in giggles, a punch from Clair, Hannah jumping up and doing a bit of a dance while grabbing her breasts and singing a stripping song “vra vra vra vra vroom”, to eventually us all calling Leigh a draino for keeping on saying it.

Everyone else seemed pretty pleased to meet me aswell. In fact at the end of the night I had three volunteers to drive me home. They were actually arguing about it! Then Hannah for some reason jumped in and said “Jen should drive him home, he’s on the way for her”. To which they all suddenly burst out in smiles and just said “ok”

So Jenny and I said our thankyous and walked to her car two blocks away. Jenny drove an old crappy Honda Civic. At least that’s the way it looked from the outside. On the outside it was blue with numerous dents and scratches and old worn out paint job.

The inside however was beautiful. She had these crazy looking purple seats put in, which were the most comfortable seats I had ever sat on in a car. She had a great sound system with a multi disk CD player and great speakers, and everything else was nice aswell, leather steering wheel, and all these racy looking speedometers and stuff (I think that’s the technical terms for those things – you may of guessed I don’t know much about cars, but hey why learn if you can’t afford one?). I questioned why she kept the inside so nice and hadn’t done anything to the outside, and she said that it was because she spent much more time inside her car than looking at it from the outside, so she puts her money into making it nicer to be in. I thought that was an unusually wise attitude. Most people these days seem to be more interested in how something looks than how good it actually is.

“Have you got a nice stereo at your place?” Jenny asked me in response to my admiring her car system.

“No, actually I barely have a radio that works….I don’t really listen to much music, more of a TV man” I confessed

“Too bad we could have gone there now and played a few tunes!”

“Really, well if you’re in the mood for music looks like you’re much better off just staying in your car”

“Oh ok”

“So what’s your living situation?” I asked

“Do you mean do I have a boyfriend?...well no I don’t….I’m completely available for the right guy”

“No actually I meant do you live alone, or roommates or what?

“Oh ok, no um….I still live with my parents actually”

“Really that must suck?”

“Yeah its pretty crapy most of the time….but I can still sneak boys into my bedroom if we come home late enough….like now…as long as my parents are asleep and he sneaks out early….they’re definitely asleep now though”

“That’s pretty good I guess….its not that expensive to get your own place around here though….I mean if you don’t mind a piece of shit like my place”

“Really…maybe I should see your place to see what its like!”

“Well you don’t really need to….my place is basically the same as Hannah’s but three times as messy”

“Oh…..ok” she sighed “So you don’t mind living alone….you don’t get all lonely?”

“Yeah I guess I do sometimes……but it’s nice to have a night like tonight….spend the whole night with people and then can go home and just relax on your own…sometimes its good to have no one else home”

“Depends who the someone else is doesn’t it?” she said while running her hand through her beautiful shaggy hair

“Yeah you’re right…although I don’t know too many people who I’d want there too often”


“You know it would be nice to have some company sometimes though” I said

“Really… anyone in mind that you’d like to invite over soon?”

“Well….no…not really…..I mean there are people I’d like to come over, but I doubt they’d want to”

“You’ll never know if you don’t ask!”

“You’re right….I guess I will have to start asking one of these days…..but if there really are people….well girls…..who would want to come over I just wish they would give me some kind of sign….I mean how am I supposed to know?” I whined, I didn’t really like this line of questioning, it’s not nice having to talk about your love life when you have never had one

“You’re right…some girls just need to be a little more obvious” She started to rub my leg a little “What kind of jeans are these?”

“I don’t know actually…just cheap ones”

“Well they’re nice and warn in….you rarely find denim that feels this nice”

“You really think”

“Oooh yeah…..I could rub this all night”

“Well hey I guess I have one thing good going for me now”

“You could have more than one thing”

“I don’t know…..oh that’s my place up here on the right”

She pulled over and turned the car off.

“You know I’m feeling a bit tired I wouldn’t be able to come in and have a quick coffee would I?” She asked

“You know sorry I would definitely give you some but I don’t actually have any coffee…don’t drink it myself…oh hey but there’s a eleven.. up the road…open twenty four hours and they have a coffee machine I think”


“So thanks so much for the lift…I really didn’t feel like walking home tonight” I said genuinely appreciative

“I can imagine…you don’t seem in the mood for physical activity”

“No not tonight….been quite a long night hasn’t it…I must have had ten beers….oh it was great though…like I’m really glad to of met all of you draino’s”

“He he…yeah….well nice to of met you too Jas….you seem like a really sweet guy….too sweet maybe”

“Well thanks…you’re sweet too”

“So do I get a kiss good night as thanks for the lift?”

“Oh sure”

I lent over and gave her a little peck on her cheek. Her skin really was so soft. She kissed me on my cheek too and as I pulled away she just lingered there for a second with her lips still out in kiss formation. She looked incredibly pretty. I remember thinking how lucky those guys she was talking about coming back to her place must have been, I would have loved to spend a night with her. Just looking at her all night would have been enough for me. Things as lucky as that just didn’t happen to me though.

“Well ok good night Jen…thanks again for the lift”

“That’s ok Jas….sweet dreams”

“You too” I said as I ran into apartment with the sound of her driving off in the background. “Yeah if I get to dream of you I’ll be having sweet dreams for sure!” I thought to myself.

I didn’t though. Instead I watched a little TV, I think the late night news followed by an infomercial about how to get the best abs in the world, I didn’t really think that crappy machine would produce those abs, I did like looking at the chicks in the show though, and they did have quite nice abs.

I had one of my night’s sleeps when I don’t remember even a single element of any of my dreams. I hate nights like that. Although that is most nights for me, so I maybe I should just get used to it. All I remembered was being woken up around the middle of the morning by the phone ringing. It was Hannah.

“So how was it?” She said before I had finished my groggy morning harllooo.

“You know it was pretty good in the end….I liked your friends….I’m glad you talked me into coming in the end” I replied

“Oh I bet you are!”

“Yeah I noticed you giving me that wink when I was laughing….I know…not that usual a site for me”


“You know when Katherine was telling her peeing in ....Amsterdam.... story?”

“Oh…..but that wasn’t the funnest thing of your night was it?”

“Um….I don’t know the whole night was pretty good I guess….I like you’re language stuff….all that semi draino stuff…its fun”

“What about Jenny?”

“Yeah I like Jenny….really cute!”

“Yeah she is isn’t she… aren’t you going to tell me what you guys got up to? …you can tell me….Jen will give me all the details anyway!”

“Um…..I don’t know she just drove me home….we had a nice chat….and I went to bed”

“Jason please tell me you didn’t go to bed alone”

“Of course I did…I always do….what are you getting at?”

“Didn’t Jen invite herself in?”

“No….what would make you think that?”

“She told me she thought you were cute…She told me she wanted to sleep with you….she sleeps with everyone she says she is going to sleep with!”


“Seriously…Jen is a cool chick…she’s my friend and all….but she is a slut…I mean I’m not meaning this to sound in a bad way….she just loves sex, can’t get enough of it…she rarely goes a day with out sex with someone….boy or girl!”

“You’re kidding me…she seemed so sweet?”

“Just because she loves sex doesn’t mean she can’t be sweet too!”

“Yeah I guess…I just always associate sweet with shy…and therefore not having lots of sex”

“You just think that because you’re the sweetest boy in the whole world and you’re shy….that’s one of the things that Jen said she liked about you”

“She really said she likes me?”

“Yeah she definitely said it….she saw one of the photos I had of you and told me she thought you were cute…so I asked if she wanted to meet you, and she said ‘you know me’…which of course I did…you don’t see many guys who she thinks are cute that she doesn’t end up fucking sometime soon…anyway so I set up dinner last night so you could meet her and my other friends…and she told me if she still liked you in the flesh she would offer to drive you home and then go back to your place for a screw….and she did offer to drive you home….I was sure you were going to get laid….I’m so sorry Jas, I thought that would have been great for your confidence with the girls to sleep with someone as hot as her….and she is phenomenal in bed…trust me I know…are you sure she didn’t drop any hints that she wanted to come inside with you?”

“She did ask if I had any coffee…but I didn’t have any so I told her that the ..Seven Eleven.. could help her out”

“Ohhh Jason……what am I going to do with you? ……from now on please, please, please promise me something…if a girl asks to come inside for some coffee, wait till she is inside to tell her you don’t have any….she doesn’t want your coffee inside of her, she wants your cock inside of her”

“FUCK!” I screamed, which I guess is ironic, I hate irony.

So anyways to end a long story Hannah talked to Jenny later and apparently she claims to have dropped a bunch of hints that she wanted to fuck me. I never noticed any! Why didn’t she just say so? I mean as if a guy like me is going to say no. God damn chicks, surely by now you have realized guys don’t reject you! We want you! We think of nothing else most the time. Just tell us, don’t make us do all the work, the constant rejections we get are just too hard to take! Unfortunately much to my chagrin she told Hannah she had now changed her mind - apparently she has decided that I am too sweet to fuck and she just wants to be friends. Yahoo just what every guy wants to hear.