Monday, April 9, 2012

Don’t go and re-see Titanic until you read this


People are once again flocking to see the movie titanic, this time in 3D, and yet - true story - today I saw a man eating a hamburger with chopsticks! And somehow I was the only one gawking at him in wonder!

I may be in the minority here, but I say real life is sometimes more interesting than fiction. And it's in this spirit, and with Titanic back at the movies, that I've decided to finally reveal a very, very dark family secret.

My Great Great Grandfather ‘Harvey’ was ON the Titanic! (This isn’t the secret by the way, but still too cool to not warrant a dramatic one-line announcement that could only possibly be spoiled by an inclusion of unnecessary exposition following the big reveal!)

Here is the secret - one night during the voyage Harvey was on deck going for a stroll when a man came up to him hurriedly and said 'hey Harvey right? You have a car on ship don't you? Well a couple of filthy kids just fucked in it and left gross sweaty hand prints all over it!'

In a rage my Great, Great Grandfather Harvey ran to his car and what he saw there made him go 'eeeewwwwww'. Sure enough, there were gross sweaty handprints on the windows, and all sorts of bodily fluids on the back seat. One of these bodily fluids was splooge, and splooge is the ickiest of all bodily fluids.

'You don't fuck in someone else's car, you just don't!' Harvey yelled. 'eeeewwwwww' he added.

Later during this same voyage, and you may or may not know this, but the Titanic sank. Still, despite the horror of the accident, Harvey just could not get the idea that people had fucked in his car out of his mind.

He did everything he could to get the grossness out of his mind. He even sent a recovery crew to the sink sight to recover his car just so he could burn it. 'You don't fuck in someone else's car, you just don't!' Harvey yelled as the car burned 'eeeewwwwww' he added, but it wasn’t enough.

This became the obsession of his life. Trying to stop people fucking in stranger’s cars became his life’s work. He would tell anyone he met anywhere. Friends and strangers alike. He even took a job as a car salesman for a while, he figured anytime he could sell a car to someone it would allow them to fuck in their own cars instead of other people’s, 'can I interest you in a new ford because you don't fuck in someone else's car, you just don't!' Harvey would say to prospective customers. 'eeeewwwwww'  he'd add as they walked away.

After he was fired from that job he just began ranting on the street, ranting at church and even ranting on corporate golf retreats. One time he was in a foursome with some associates when one asked about his refusal to ride in the golf cart ‘you don't fuck in someone else's car, you just don't!' Harvey to told them while he looked at the cart,  'eeeewwwwww' he added noting that none of his colleagues owned their particular golf carts and yet all three were currently fucking in them.

Well one of those colleges was quite taken aback by my Great Great Grandfather Harvey’s attitude, as a man who regularly fucked in other people’s cars he'd never thought about how gross it might be. 'It must be the splooge I always leave behind' he thought.

That mans name was Gerald Durex. He went on to invent the condom, at the time specifically so he could fuck in other peoples cars without leaving splooge behind, but ultimately turning the condom into the invention that would render just about all casual sex into an act that feels far less good than it could, whether in your own car, god forbid, someone else’s. 

In fact condom use had now become so rife that I have heard that some people are so detached from physical contact they even use chopsticks to eat hamburgers! And it's all my Great Great Grandfather Harvey’s fault.

Well I guess this is all pretty much public knowledge, however I should also point out my Great Grand Father Harvey actually died on the Titanic! He was standing by his car when the iceberg hit ‘you don't fuck in someone else's car, you just don't!' he was yelling 'eeeewwwwww' he added as water filled up this section of the underbelly of the boat drowning him.

Everything that happened since happened with his ghost! He's sitting behind me watching me type this as we speak.

So there it is, my family’s big dark secret. And that my friends, is real life. So don't go re-see a movie about a gold digger who cheats on her fiancé with a dreamy third classer with awesomely realistic special affects, clearly real life is way more interesting.

But if you do go despite my warnings, please keep your ears open during the scene when they fuck in that stranger’s car, if you listen closely you may be able to hear the ghost of my Great Great Grandfather Harvey whispering 'eeeewwwwww'.

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