Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Your last minute Halloween costume advice is here

Great news - It's not too late to spend your Halloween in what is sure to be deemed the hottest, sexiest, coolest, most original, best, awesomest, hottest, sexiest costume out there. Not only that I right now are giving you, my awesome readers, exclusive and brilliant advice on how to pull this costume off with such specific perfection that people will be all like 'wow, you nailed it'.

That's right people - this years hottest costume IS.... ME - that's right you can go to your Halloween party dressed as David Tieck.

Here are some exclusive tips on how to be me right:

- I wear crazy and colorful mismatched socks, mostly because I am too lazy to bother to find matching ones
- I wear converse shoes, unless I am too lazy to tie shoelaces, which is almost always
- I have a dark and bitter soul, but it's painted pink!
- Please don't imitate me and yet change me, keep the slutiness in the chest, not the genitals please 
- I like silly t-shirts 
- I only ever cry from the left eye, make sure your tear marks reflect that 
- Have I ever pooped my pants as an adult? Yes I have. Just saying. 
- I hold my beer can in my RIGHT hand, my vodka drinks in the left, and for some reason always have three drops of urine on my underpants
- I like terms such as 'mongoose face', 'candle degenerates' and 'cunt' use them haphazardly yet with caution, especially 'candle degenerates' 
- If there is one thing I love it's TV remotes - but I don't love just one thing, I'm not a psychopath, mix it up 
- I have lots of psychopathic thoughts, make sure you do too - be creative, no one likes a psychopath who is all cliche
- I have insomnia eyes, if you're not willing to skip sleep for the accurate look then being punched in the eyes can do the job
- I only ever tan my back - I don't want to prematurely age my face, I'm not an idiot
- I'm covered in bruises from walking into things idiotically 
- I desperately NEED to go to space one day, you MUST too
- Not enough to like work towards it though of course, I am too lazy to tie shoelaces for Christ sake, don't embarrass me by making me look all.... Worky
- I never, ever repeat myself, ever
- Did you think I was going to follow that by repeating myself for a cheap laugh? Shame on you, you disgust me
- I often have snot in hair 

That's about it! Have a great Halloween as me! Don't embarrass me please!

Oh oh, 
- I am very easily embarrassed oh and 
- I have a dark and bitter soul, but it's painted pink!

See what I did? Ha ha, I repeated myself even though I said I never do, ever, and I did it just for a cheap laugh! Ha ha! 

Oh oh, 
- deservedly embarrassed
- too lazy to care 
- can someone organize that space trip for me please? I really wanna go. 

Monday, October 28, 2013

Purely Marvelous

I'm talking about myself of course - and my book about what a big fucking idiot I am.

Here is a review from a stranger on Barnes and Noble - thanks 'anonymous' - you're awesome.

'This is one funny book! Only bad thing is that it is the only one I can find by him. I keep reading parts to everyone who will let me, and some who won't. He almost makes me cry but then next thing I know I'm cracking up. P.S. Bonus points for a great idea about nostril storage'

Buy a copy please - I really need some sales, like really!!

Buy it at Barnes and Noble here

Or amazon here

You could end up a super happy fan like this awesome fan:

With beautiful, humble, personalized dedication like this one:

Don't you want this kind of awesomeness? Yeah you do - I won't as you to buy it again now, because why on worth wouldn't you? But do buy it, I would like a few more sales, like REALLY!

Ps, for the record Anonymous, my other book out is this one:


Yay - I'm awesome