What Chewbacca Probably Thinks About While Trying To Fall Asleep

-->

Ahhh. It’s so nice to have my head on a nice soft pillow. Man, what tough day.

Well done today buddy. You really shone in hard circumstances. Great work. Seriously. You were amazing.

Sure I didn’t get a medal, or a reward, again. Or get to be the center of attention. But I know that I was JUST as heroic and important to the mission as the others, and if I know that, then that’s enough right?

Hey if I risk my life and just survive then even THAT’S enough right?

I don’t do it for the plaudits. I do it for what’s right. And to save the people I care about. To be honest, in some ways, not being one of the ones honored in the end is maybe even a BIGGER honor. I wasn’t personally rewarded, so no one can EVER say that I was only in it for the rewards right? I risked MY life to save OTHERS. Period. No other end game. I don’t need to be remembered. I don’t need to be the one getting applauded. I just did it. That’s real heroism.

Still, an award would be nice. Remember when at school that Guidance Counselor said if I didn’t start applying myself and lift my test scores then the most I could hope to amount to would be to become meathead nightclub bouncer or something? Well I DIDN’T apply myself, and flunked biology AND woodwork, and I’m going to end up helping blow up the Death Star! Twice! Man if I DID have an award I would so go stick it right in that Guidance Councilors stupid face. That would be sweet.

But still it’s not WHY I do it. I can’t think that way.

Cause, man. I could have died today. Wow.

You forget in the moment. But I really could have DIED today.

That’s big.

I wonder what would become of me. Would I get buried? Or burned? Would I just disappear like Ob-Wan? Oooooh I hope I end up becoming a rug in a log cabin. No no no, in a Ski Chalet! That would be sweet. Near a fire. Maybe with someone’s pet kitten or Ewok curled up asleep on me. That’s how to spend eternity. I’ll probably end up just a coat or something though right? I wish I wore clothes. I bet I could rock a pair of leather pants. Although I bet if I tried Han would just mock me. For a guy that seems to wear the same damn shirt every single day, he sure is judgmental of other people’s fashion choices.

Anyways, stop thinking about it Chewie, you know you never get to sleep when you go down these paths, and besides I’m sure you’ll risk your life for nothing again tomorrow, won’t you big fella, so you can save these thoughts for after THAT adventure.

Wake up. Get blasted at. Blow something up. Watch Han get the rewards AND the cute dates. Go to bed. Start again. That’s your lot in life.

No no no. Don’t do this to yourself. I can’t get bitter. I have to stay positive. And I have to sleep. I HAVE to. I need to sleep if I’m going be fresh enough to survive anyway. Come on Chewie. Stop thinking about every damn thing and just sleep.

Maybe I should count sheep or something.

“One sheep. Two sheep. Three sheep. Four…”

Oh screw it. That’s doesn’t work. Now I just want to chew the sheep’s faces off. Oh man, how good is chewing faces off!

You know I never asked my mom what a Bacca is. Man, I must’ve LOVED chewing them as a kid to get named after them. They must have been YUM. I probably just shoved my face into bowls of them and chewed them like some sort of animal. Not even waiting for the table to properly be set. Like…

Wait.

I just had an idea.

I just thought of something.

Yes, yes, yes!

It’s the best line ever.

Next time I see someone eating something just with their face I can yell out...

“Use the forks!”

Lol. That’s brilliant.

Wait no, even better. I could yell it when I see someone struggling with chopsticks. 

Lol. Genius.

“Hey buddy (tee-hee) instead of struggling with those… USE THE FORKS”.

YES! I’ll bring the house down. Now THAT will get me remembered. YES. Goddamn YES!

Man, I hope Han’s up for Chinese food soon.

Ok, ok, ok, I have to plan this right. I can’t just suggest it, can I? I can’t make it clear it was my idea, or the joke won’t seem off the cuff.

But then again Han hardly ever suggests Chinese.

Oh man. How can I get him to think about it on his own.

Maybe I can just like play around with the hyperdrive or something, and when he says “what the hell are you doing in there Chewie” I can be all like “just NOODLING around”.

Or or or, I can like clean out the toilets and ask him “should I just DUMPling this stuff into a pile of space junk and hope the Imperial Green Police don’t catch us, or is that too big a RICE..SK”.

“Just risk it Chewie” Han will probably say, “say for some reason I suddenly feel like Chinese food, want to go to Ming Koks for dinner” he’ll ponder my way.
“Chinese? That’s out of the blue Solo, let’s do it”, I’ll roar nonchalantly, while casually preparing the Falcon for the jump into light speed.

“You’ve been manipulated again Solo”. I’ll think with a chuckle.

Wait, I just realized something. Solo? He doesn’t even NEED that second name. It’s redundant. Otherwise he’d be Hans plural. Han singular leaves the Solo implied for damns sake. I don’t have a second name. Man, Han just get’s fucking everything doesn’t he?

Wait, wait, no no no. Did I just hear him in the other room saying “I’ve got a bad feeling about this”?

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fall asleep now and pretend you didn’t hear it.

Come on buddy fall asleep.

Now please.

Come on.

You can do it.

Just stop thinking.

Sleep away.

Come on damn it.

Oh fuck I think I just heard the deflector shield get activated.

Here we go fucking again.

Well this time, if Han nicks my Bowcaster again, and takes all the plaudits again, then I am TOTALLY gonna make him shout the Chinese Food! Suck on that, Solo.

Heroic Teachings

As a comedian I'm not always all that serious. I like to take the piss. Make fun of stuff. Have a few laughs. Use my heightened wit to cruelly undermine the confidence of innocents. That's the job. 

But not today, I want to talk about something serious today. I was talking to an old school friend the other day. Clive. And he has a problem that he needed help with, it was weighing him down and making him feel foolish, and having put my mind to it, and heroically helped solve his dilemma, I thought perhaps I should help anyone here with a similar problem.

Oh by the way, Clive goes by the name chewbucca these days. Join the rebel alliance and you get all fancy apparently. But he was a good friend at school. Clive used to be really self-conscious about his voice, but I was the one that told him to listen out for people saying things like:

- I feel sick, I don't even know how to put it into words. 

- The weathers so 'blah' I don't even know how to describe it. Or 

- I think I'm about to get my period, I want to yell but I don't know WHAT to yell. 

And if he heard any of those said he should jump out and let off one of his trademark yawny bear roars. And every-time he'd get a laugh, sometimes people would even hug him and say 'yes, you nailed it Clive!' Which admittedly reminded him of how some of his family had been tortured, slaughtered and sometimes crucified by the Sith, but he said it was worth it for the laughs. 

In return, knowing I hadn't started puberty yet like all the other boys,  he'd sometimes give me some of his hair to glue onto my completely naked pubis area so I didn't look like I was a freak who hadn't entered puberty yet, and instead I could pass for a well haired in the genitalia person with a freak tiny baby dick. 

Anyway, Chewy, as his mates call him these days, was upset, saying our other mate Han, was making fun of him because his bowcaster blaster gun was dirty, and that he should probably wash it. And that's when Chewy broke down crying, and he told me 'I didn't even notice that it needed washing, in fact I NEVER know when it needs washing'.  

And before anyone fucking laughs at him, remember HE can smell an Ewok from 50 galactic miles, can you? No, we all have different skills ok. 

So, I'm not sure how many people here have the same problem of not knowing when your blasters need to be washed, I'm guessing maybe half, so here is a handy guide to tell if your personal bowcaster blaster or phase blaster needs to be cleaned: 

- It's really old. I'm telling you guys you may think 'my bowcasters old, I just want a new one' well no, it probably just needs scrubbing. It'll probably come up as good as new. Trust me. This actually works for grandparents too, fun fact, a few years ago I was going to trade my grandmother in for a younger model, but instead I decided to scrub her instead, she's been amazing since, now goes by the name Scarlett Johansson. 

- It was given to you by a friend who's known for giving gifts jammed up with gum. I'm not sure if you have friends like this, but I personally love to buy friends weapons and just jam them up with gum. Then suddenly you're out and a droid army attacks and your buddy goes to shoot and his phaser blows up in his hands! Ha ha ha. It's hilarious. HA HA HA. But, BUT this is important, I only do this to friends who I know will be hanging out with Jedi Knights guaranteed to save the day. If you personally aren't regularly in the company of Jedi then just clean your weapon. In fact do it anyways, give your Jedi buddy a break. 

- It's currently submerged in mud riddled swamp. Look I know what you're thinking, this is amazing laser technology and a little mud surely will not hurt. But think of this - what makes mud? Storms. What else do Storms make? That's right. Storm

troopers. If you think that's just a coincidence then you're utterly fooling yourself. 

- It looks dirty. 

- You've been letting kids play with it. They ALWAYS have sticky fingers. And sticky weapon can lead to a less fun battling experience, just think about how much less fun you'd have next time your defending a satellite dish that's destruction could ultimately lead to the complete annihilation of several entire planets, including those that hold everyone you love, now do you want a fun experience, or a sticky experience? 

- You've been playing with Luke's lightsaber even though he asked you not to. For a Jedi he is surprisingly petty and spiteful. 

- It smells bad. It might still work fine, but no one likes a stinky battle comrade. Here's a trick, submerge it in a bowl of good quality Greek yogurt, then rinse it off with Jawa blood, works every time. 

Alright guys. Get to work. Clean your bowcaster blaster or phase blasters if need be, if you need some Jawa blood in happy to go hunting with you, and yet still - you're an adult now, you should always keep Jawa blood in the house, and if not let's hit the Catinina, Saber Glow is playing tonight, and I'm told their new drummer is green! Ha ha. Can you believe that?