Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Don’t dump your trash here

To be honest I’m jealous of trash.

I know some people are like ‘don’t make me jealous of the trash’, there are signs up around town like ‘don’t feed the trash’ and current affair shows do exposes on how some trash is actually undercover fabric salesmen doing their ‘research’ as they call it – call it what it is fabric salesmen, you lying trash, it’s being a busy body! And I have had a busy body in my bed once and I was all like ‘stay still’ and she was like ‘I prefer to get busy’ and I was all ‘that isn’t going to contribute to a fully relaxing sleeping environment’ and then she got all mad and left and went home! That’s right, ‘busy bodies’ mean ‘belligerent bodies’!

But I don’t agree with those folk, because trash has the fucking life. Yes it’s true. Its life’s work is complete! It was designed to hold something before a human used it and that has now happened!!!!!

Wow, it’s like history right in front of us. You can walk past and be all like ‘hey Billy, see that candy bar wrapper, that once had candy in it!!!’ And Billy can be like ‘Hey dad, this strange man is offering me candy’!

That’s the genius of trash.

But that’s not why I am jealous of it. No, it’s the fact that with it’s life’s work now complete it has nothing at all left to do but lay out in the sun, day after day, soaking up the rays, watching the world go by, and letting drunk teenagers urinate on it, it’s all the joy of old age without any of the lack of joy of old age! Wow, that’s awesomely paradoxical.

Oh, trash

Oh, trash

That’s the life for me

Living life with glee

That is not yet the theme song of trash, but if they ever develop the ability to sing it damn well should be. You know, assuming it turns out they speak with Shakespearean like eloquence, and become all snotty so they decide to talk about themselves as like a product rather than in the first person. I mean humans don’t sing ‘oh, human, oh, human’ so get off your ‘pretentious dragon’ trash.

Wait, um, I mean I’m jealous of trash. Trash by definition is in retirement, and sometime mere days after it was given birth to, and in sometimes it’s made of substances guaranteeing that it will live for thousands of years! Can you imagine, knowing you’ll live for thousands of years and still getting to retire three days after birth? No you can’t, because you ain’t trash. Jealous? I am! But you shouldn’t be. Why?

I’ll tell you why!

Because there are these sadistic bastards who call themselves things like ‘cleaners’, ‘trash pickeruperers’ and ‘seriously guys, I don’t mean to whine but some people and their trash is so gross, I guess I’ll just pick it up because I am better than themerers’ who go around town, picking up these pieces of trash, while it is innocently chilling out in the sun enjoying its hard earned post career relaxing years, and these people throw the these poor pieces of trash in plastic bags before suffocating them to death!

Wow, can you even contemplate what it must be like to suddenly be chucked in a plastic bag and cut off from air? It would be terrible. But even worse trash has no arms or legs to fight off its attackers, or try to break free of the plastic, it just has to lie there, feel the oxygen disappear, and then wait for the pain to get so overwhelming it passes out right before death (trash also often shit’s its pants as it dies from suffocating, although it prefers that this doesn’t get out to the greater public).

What kind of a world do we live in when this sort of brutal behavior goes not merely unpunished, but sometimes even celebrated? Sometimes people have ‘murder trash parties’ (or as they call them ‘can someone stay after the party and help clean up the trash’) sometimes criminals as part of jail work release programs are forced into trash murdering! I am sorry, but committing a heinous act does not make up for a life of crime, not in my ‘oh, human, oh life, oh existence!’

Sure from time to time some more kind hearted evil trash murderer will at least have the decency to spike the piece of trash to death with a nail on a stick to save it being suffocated, yet still often those nails are rusty, and most people don’t know this, but tetanus is amazingly swift forming in trash, and often as painful as suffocating to death.

And anyway, their bodies are still intrashmanly crushed together in huge compactors often alongside other corpses of trash that are not just not family, but sometimes even whole different species! You crush a human body, a dog body, and an old rug together in a compactor together and there is an outcry (let we not forget the great human/dog/rug tragedy of 1913, or ‘huogug’ as it was called by the tabloids at the time, ha ha, tabloids are so adorable) yet crush a soda can, a shoe box, and a discarded pair of broken leansed sunglasses together and no one even raises an eyebrow (please note: Some people are not capable of raising just one eyebrow, but if they could most would still not raise one about this monstrosity!)

I know; it’s disgusting!

Then to compound the calamity they are then buried, often naked, in mass unmarked graves, which are then turned into parks where children are encouraged to play on their graves!!!!!!

Seriously ‘!!!!!’ I know it’s excessive exclamation pointing, but kids playing on mass unmarked graves, well honestly ‘!!!!!!!’

I know you’ll get some ‘realists’ who claim that retired containers, and even things like receipts from products long since consumed are ‘no longer contributing to society’. Well first off I have to say – maybe YOU’RE not contributing to society! (You probably are, I mean you’re saying stuff out loud that’s contributing something, but I just wanted you to know how it felt to be accused of perhaps not contributing to society – it’s soft isn’t it? Which is surprising at first because most people don’t know that ‘society’ uses softener) but that doesn’t change the UNDENIABLE fact that trash serves a VALUABLE purpose in society!

Don’t believe me? Well cop this truth. Say you’re walking through a neighborhood, rather like the one where I am staying right now, and you see all sorts of discarded condom wrappers and heroin needles, you get to know off the bat that the kids around here are both scared of STDs and equally fearless of STDs, a contrast which screams ‘these kids play by there own rules’. This kind of information is priceless when a street football game breaks out and you’re asked to play because you don’t have to say ‘hey kids, what rules do you play by’ you know, they play by their own rules. That saves you the entire length of time that this exchange would have taken, and time is invaluable, especially if you’re prone to daydreaming about how to ban all electric drills from kindergartens. Yep:

Trash: 1

Realists: 0

Hell yeah.

Oh by the way, if you do get involved in this game of football and one of the kids bleeds, you also know not to taste the blood for signs of a bizarre chocolate flavor, because heroin boys? Really? Heroin boys? Awwww, I hate to feel this way, but I’m disappointed in you. And I am afraid I have to punish you, I know I am sorry, but heroin boys? Really? I am sorry, I can’t give you dessert after dinner tonight, and tonight is chocolate cheesecake night. No, no, no, you MADE me do that, I don’t feel one little tiny bit good about it, but heroin boys? Really? Boo.

Oh, check this out – go to a neighborhood full of fast food wrapper trash and you can reliably conclude that this is a fat neighborhood, which means a slow neighborhood, and therefore a muggers paradise! That’s VALUABLE information for muggers.

Note: Sometimes something valuable to individuals is damaging to society as a whole.

Note 2: Don’t you dare blame trash for that – it doesn’t CHOOSE where it is dumped, it merely offers you the precious ability to read a neighborhood for what it is, so don’t go ‘we don’t want muggers coming here’ instead be all like ‘thanks trash for letting us know the TRUTH about what’s going on in the streets, unlike those street glorifying hip-hop singers’

Note 3: Remember when ‘hip-hop’ used to be called ‘rap’? Did they change the name to try and make us forget that one time those rappers did that thing? Cause I for one will NEVER forget!

Note 4: Do something nice for the world, collect a bunch of fast food wrappers and dump them in a neighborhood full of fit people, the muggers will never know what hit them, and really don’t you owe this to trash?