Saturday, February 14, 2015

The best project ever - obvious lessons

They say a discarded plastic coffee cup lid with the flap that opens into a hole to drink from now completely absent and the last fragments of hazelnut scented low fat milk froth now hanging on to the bottom hemisphere of the lid for dear life as a procession of ants arrive to take a small morsel back to their queen, lying adjacent to the lonely heel from broken ladies shoe, left isolated after a desperate sprint to a train became the sole (ha ha) motivation for the ladies immediate efforts, never tell lies. Because coffee lids can't tell lies, they're made of plastic. 

Yet it's the lid that gets the glory, the accolades and the profound monologues of wisdom written about them. We all know the titles of famous ones: 

- Not for drinking anymore.
- You can't bid on the lessons from a coffee lid. 
- Lid, shmid, rib, crib, nib, rid, gib, ha ha LID. 
- It's the truth, no fib, I mean duh, obviously, it's a coffee cup lid.

Just to name four out of the dozens I'm sure you all know, there is also the common indium 'don't blow your lid' with its clear reference to discarded plastic lids, and I believe there is even a whole store called 'Lids'. Discarded coffee lids are part of the fabric of our society, they just are. 

I saw such a lid today, but because it is the best day of my life, I will not give the humble lid yet more glory, I will instead focus on its forgotten acquaintance the broken heel and give it the attention. The attention it has always craved and deserved. Here goes: 

It was brown!! 

Hell Yeah! That's more like it. Take that lid! It's the heels time now! The camera focus has widened, then re-narrowed in a whole new direction. The direction of the heel, if I wasn't clear. And it shall be forever remembered that the heel was the important things that was year. Suck on that lid, you're time in the sun is done! 

Although I should point out that this all took place in the shade. Also it might have been nutmeg froth. And the ants might have been eating it for themselves, I don't actually know much about ant eating habits. Oh and it might not have been a heel, it could have been a banana stem, or a stick maybe. I only glanced at the whole scenario. I was scurrying for a train. But it IS the best day of my life!!

The Best Day of my Life objective – The Factor of Seven



Hello everybody, how are you all doing on this (insert weather where you are – some of my suggestions would include ‘fine’, ‘overcast’, ‘shiny’, ‘so cold that sticking an icicle up my ass would warm me up’ or ‘not bad’) day? It’s currently (insert relative time of the day for you upon reading this here – some of my suggestions would include ‘the afternoon’, ‘early morn’, ‘three minutes to hell’, ‘I’ll get out of bed when I fucking want to and not a second before’, ‘6:45pm’, ‘6:45am’, ‘is that the sunset or sunrise?’ or ‘now’), and that’s a (insert current emotional here – some of my suggestions would include – ‘fine’, ‘icey cool’, basking in the glory of the joy of being alive’, ‘not bad’, ‘how fucking cool is this’, ‘swell’) time to be alive.

Today is the best day of my life. And I’ll tell you why.

-       Because of a different factor than the fact I currently feel quite sick.
-       Because of a different factor than the day on the calendar which for some reason continues to be an awful day for every human alive, except for people I hate, even though we don’t use calendars anymore.
-       Because of a different factor than some tough decisions I have weighing on my mind.

Yes today is the best day of my life, because I have different factors. And not everyone can have different factors everyday. That’s tough. Like think about the factor of seven, that’s the factor of seven no matter how many times you throw the number six at it. You could even throw the number six at it seven times and it would stay the factor of fucking seven.


Yeah, that’ll do. It’s the best day of my life for the factor seven, and no other reason in particular, not that my life sucks, not at all, it’s awesome in a lot of ways, but right as I write this it’s the best day of my life simply because I choose to think that way, and not with any evidence, or reasons. That’s actually pretty cool to think right now. Yes. I feel good. I hope you all also feel (insert emotional content you’d most LIKE to feel right now here – some of my suggestions include ‘swell’, ‘in a lovely mood’, ‘better than a guy with no arms who’s busting to pee and can’t find his helper’, ‘enthusiastic’, ‘under employed’, ‘neat’).