Thursday, July 22, 2010

I'm blind to it

I decided to do some cleaning up this week. I usually use the gradual approach to housework, where I’ll let everything get about as dirty as possible and then work on cleaning it over several days while doing stuff adjacent to the mess.

So I decided to clean the kitchen for a change. I usually do this while cooking because doing either by themselves is too boring for me. I often need to have two activities going at once. I watch TV and read at the same time. I sleep and sleepwalk. I eat and write. As I am writing this I will flick across several websites. My brain just works like this.

So I am cleaning and cooking, and over the course of doing this over a couple of days through various meals I get the mountain of dishes under control, and have the kitchen to a Dave level of cleanliness (exactly equal to a female ‘this is disgusting’ level). And a day or so later I scan the room to see if it’s worth cooking and cleaning of if I should just order pizza, when I realize something. There is a dirty pot on the stove that I never even moved to the sink. I wondered why for a moment when it occurred to me I hadn’t moved it because I hadn’t noticed it, and that the reason I hadn’t noticed it is because I wasn’t the one who used it, and therefore it is invisible to me!

Seriously invisible! The truth of the matter is I don’t clean for myself one little bit. I am more than happy to live in absolute squalor. If I lived the way my instincts want me to I would use nothing but plastic cutlery and paper plates, drink from the cans and bottles, never clean the bathroom no matter how disgusting it got, and take the trash out once a month or so. It’s not that I am gross it’s that I am a guy, and we have better things to do, like watching sports and eating deep fried things. A clean house doesn’t add to your life it only takes valuable time away.

I was thinking about this when I was looking at that dish. Why do I clean what I do clean? Purely and simply it is because I don’t want to get in trouble for leaving a mess that someone else has to clean and I don’t want people to know how disgusting I really am. Every bit of cleaning I do is how much it takes to do the very minimum I can do to try and facilitate those two goals.

When I look at a mess my mind is now finally tuned to only see the things I made and therefore the things I can be judged on. I can’t get in trouble for a pot someone else left so I literally don’t even see it.

I wonder if this is just the unique me, but I suspect that it is the same in every guys brain. The lesson is if I ever live with a significant other come visit me, if the place is a mess I’m in a happy relationship; if it’s clean I need help getting out please.

Also I saw ghostworld, or ghostland or whatever the Ricky Gervais one is in the past week and that dudes apartment in that movie was spotless, not a single item of clothing on the ground, now dirty dishes in the sink, and before the character is even revealed I know he is going to be very stuck in his ways, close minded, controlling, and selfish. That’s what really clean guys are like. So my advice to the ladies is think twice before you complain about your messy partners, for one he literally can’t see the mess, and if it was different he’d probably be a controlling prick.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Speaking of advertisements

Speaking of advertisements

Do you guys remember those commercials where the aliens came to earth and proceeded to enslave all human beings and then found a way to take over our brains in a way which to create a new universe wide peace monitoring love helmet, and then having declared universal harmonization they took up stand up comedy, doing mostly jokes about how hard dating is when your genitals are in a jar which hovers above your head, but those jokes became cliche and were hard to relate to by a lot of humans because our genitals are rarely in jars, and almost never in jars AND hovering about our heads, so the aliens gave up comedy and went into politics creating a brand new political system where all decisions were made through a complicated series of games where the only rules were there were no rules, until that made it hard to tell who was winning so they brought in a few obvious rules like no poking opponents in eyes, because that stings, although poking people in the genital jar hovering about their heads was allowed, obviously cause it's hilarious, and these were comically minded aliens after all, and sadly like most comically minded people they had a dark side, and began to drink and after a while they would let their genitals climb out of their jar for any old whore just to escape their miserable lives for the briefest of moments.

I don't remember those commercials at all. Because some ad campaigns are stupid. I think they were for a soda, or car of some sort that had an awesome drink holder for your sodas.

I guess what I am trying to say, is should anyone be so inclined I would totally love it if you could write a review of my book, or say something nice about me over at Amazon, I really need to start selling those things. Thankyou!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

This is information you're going to want to have

Oh sorry, I was just distracted for a moment. You see I was just remembering the last time I had to fill out the “timeless submission form”.

‘What is the “timeless submission form?”’ I hear you ask.

You don’t know what the timeless submission form is?



You know the world makes me sad sometimes.

Actually, you know what. Ok. Ok. I guess I can remember a time when I didn’t know yet. It was a sad time, and if I hadn’t been helped out by a kind stranger I met in a dark ally one night who whispered ‘hey man, give me your wallet or I’ll kill you’ so I kneed him in the nads, and then ran down the street, and then went to a bar and got a drink to calm my nerves, and then I had a bunch, and then I went to he mall the next day, and when I was at that mall I bought the t-shirt I was wearing when I found out about the “timeless submission form”, so I guess I know how you’re feeling right now, so I’ll fill you in. (Ha ha, fill you in, like a form!)

First off there are a lot of awesome things about the “timeless submission form” that I should let you know about right off the bat.

1. It’s timeless, so that’s good. No watches needed. You don’t have to set an alarm to make sure you are up in time for it. By the way one time my alarm didn’t go off and I wake up way later and I’m thinking ‘hey my alarm didn’t go off so I slept well but then missed a very important meeting, which is a good thing mixed with a bad thing, and that’s just what I hate about stuff, you know its good and bad and stuff, so that’s kind of depressing’ but I digress, because the “timeless submission form” is hell yeah awesome and I hate to sully the fact that the timeless nature of it is part of that.

2. It’s a submission form so you can pretty much guarantee that most times the form will be submissive, you know or else the form would be lying with its very name and there ain’t no fucking way that people are going to get away with lying on the very name of a form and still have that form end up being implemented into the official form registry, especially when the form is related to escalators. Oh shit, I just gave away part of what the form is about at an early time than I planned. I am sorry. Still, a submissive form, you better believe that’s an awesome element to a form. So many forms fight back these days. These fucking forms that come armed at your first meeting, I hate those things. Guns, knives. It’s sickening. Yes I am going to poke you with a pen; IT’S YOUR JOB TO TAKE IT!!!!! DEAL WITH IT!!!!! You know, don’t sign up to be a form if you don’t want to deal with the realities of the job, that’s all I am saying. So yeah I form that just lies on the table and takes it, that’s my kind of form!

3. It’s a form. Actually I wouldn’t say that’s one of my favorite things about it. Still it’s better than it being like a laundry basket surely. I mean what can you do with a laundry basket, put laundry in it, use it for a makeshift cage if you catch bats in your attic, make an ironic fancy dress costume. That’s like IT. Where as forms have endless possibilities. There is a form you fill out when you get married, and there is another form you fill out when you get divorced! Seriously! That’s the truth. That’s forms that do the opposite of each other. The opposite! A guitar is awesome, but can it do the opposite of allow a musician to make awesome guitar music with it? Hell no. A TV is awesome, but can a TV do the opposite of display a wide arrange of entertainment options? Fuck no. Forms can do the opposite, and they deserve all the praise they get. People are always getting mad when another celebrity comes out in support of forms “you’re rich and famous, so it’s easy for you to support forms” people are always yelling. Yeah well forms great, and that’s the opposite of shit.

4. The “timeless submission form” is also a rare form printed on orange paper. Sure it’s because of a major fuck up by a paper delivery company which caused three people to get fired, but an orange form? Ha ha orange.

5. It’s made of paper, that means it used to be a tree! Wow, it’s like technology at work. How can you not marvel. Wow, marvel, wow.

‘Have you filled out the “timeless submission form”?’ I was asked once

‘No, should I have’ I replied

‘You don’t have to, but I recommend it’ the answer came back.

Do you know one day someone asked me if I had tried Diet Dr Pepper, and when I said no he was like ‘you should check it out, I recommend it’ and now I drink it everyday! I love it. Right there that is proof, iron clad proof, that recommendations can work in someone’s favor. So when someone recommends I fill out a form I check that shit out.

By the way, a car just drove by out my window. Those are made by stuff they got out of the ground! The ground! Where worms and other various un-seeable to the naked eye parasites live! I’m telling you people technology is amazing. I totally recommend checking it out, this shit is going to take off one day, and you’re going to feel like a nerd if you’re not part of the craze.

Now I am not one for embarrassing admissions, like the time I was on a volcano, and I saw smoke and freaked out, but then it was just a guy smoking, and when I noticed I was like ‘smoking is bad for your health’ and he was like ‘I know, but I do it anyway, how do you like me now bitch’, well I would never admit that I cried because someone called me a bitch, but I did, because I don’t like nasty words than can be not nasty if they use them in their original and proper manner, its rude. But I am telling you this now because I want you to feel fine with admitting to yourself if you have yet to make technology part of your life. It’s not too late, I swear.

By the way one bit of technology I don’t like is the escalator. I originally planned for this statement to be mind blowing, but I already mentioned the escalator earlier so I understand if you didn’t get the effect I desired. That’s my fault; don’t cry for me I make my own decisions. But seriously, escalators, we have stairs and then after shit loads of research the best thing they can come up with to improve this is moving stairs. I am sorry, that’s not good enough. They used to turn trees into forms, and metals and oils in the ground into cars, now they turn stairs into moving stairs. That’s failure in my eyes. Where are the float bubbles, where are the imagination movement facilitating transformation booths. That’s the technology I was taught to love, so escalators are a failure technology. Plus they’re lazy, but if you want to be lazy that’s your own privilege.

By the way who invented the ceiling fan? ‘Fuck it’s hot in here; you know what would be great? If we could attach something to the ceiling to make this exact same air move gently!’ That’s technology failure. Where is the temperature morphing logical flags? It’s technology catastrophe!!!!!

Ok, now that you know the facts, I think you’re heady to hear the truth – what is the “timeless submission form”? Well here is the brilliant thing. Hell Yeah Brilliant Awesomnessous!!

If you now go to any building which has installed escalators, you can request to see management, and then ask to fill out a “timeless submission form” and on this form, along with listing you name, address, tax details, medical history, and submitting a urine and blood test, and hair DNA sample, family history, the name of any people you ever and ‘impure thoughts’ about, you also get to fill out a question that asks ‘Any other comments?’ And right in this convenient location you can write “I think escalators are technology failure”.

That’s right. Right motherfucking there on the “Timeless Submission Form”!!! Can you believe it?

But wait, it gets even better.

If you ever get arrested for a violent crime you can ask to have this official complaint introduced as evidence that you are a forward thinking individual, and because the form is timeless it will always be there, and get this, once you make this request the judge will say ‘dually noticed’. That’s like proper court talk. How cool is that.

So do I recommend the “Timeless Submission Form” you better believe I do. And like I have proven, recommendations kick ass.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Powers beyond us and stuff dealy

It’s been an interesting week this week.

I finally relented and am trying a new sleeping aid this week. I try and stay away from them because if they work I become horribly addicted and then I use them too much and then they stop working and my sleep gets even worse. (Unless awesome sporting events are on in the middle of the night - in which case can't sleep, hell yeah I can't!). Anyway Nyquil entered my life two days ago, so far three great nights sleep, and three days where I can barely wake up. You know that haziness you have for the first ten minutes after you wake up when you haven't had enough sleep and consider suicide so you can jump back into it, I have that all day now. Fun! (I now understand how people watch all the crap that's on TV, it's not that they like it, it's just no energy to change the channel). I may stick with the Nyquil for a while, but then again I may also currently be a zombie and everyone is too afraid to tell me that my brains are hanging out incase I turn around and eat theirs. Also of course, one of the problems with sleep aids is for those of us inclined towards sleep walking they can increase the risks, the good news is based on my exhaustion and forehead tattoo that says “I got tattooed in Nebraska” I think I dodged that bullet.

By the way I just watched a big gangster looking black guy and a multiple head tattooed biker dude have a

“You go first”

“No you go first”

“No I insist”

Argument over who should enter a bookshop first. Hollywood can be adorable sometimes.

Plus I once wrote a novel called “face tattoo in Nebraska”. It’s about a teenager whose parents move him to Nebraska and he tries to find a way to get revenge on them but can’t figure anything out so just ends up getting a bunch of face tattoos. It’s your traditional coming of age teenage comedy romp!

We had an earthquake this week in LA. It was the second one I have felt and easily the strongest. This one felt like waves coming rolling in and apart from the surfer who splat against my window it wasn’t so bad.

Earthquakes are a weird experience here. They happen often enough that you’re not instantly scared that it’s the big one, but before you allow yourself to enjoy it you find yourself taking a moment to look around and see what could fall on you. This is where you thank god for once you don’t have a massive wall mounted TV. And it’s now that you remember that your upstairs neighbor often makes so much noise you suspect he has a pet elephant so you get to imagine what it would feel like to have an elephant crash through the ceiling and land on you. (I think it would be kind of like drowning in the sewer, you’d die but it would be worth it to experience the unique smell).

It’s kind of like when you’re taking off in a plane. You don’t believe it’s going to crash but you can’t help but pick out which flight attendant you’ll try to get to have one last hook up with, and decide which crying baby is so annoying that you’ll make a point of eating it first when you get lodged on a mountain (the answer is all of them – mmm baby back ribs).

I also went to church for the first time in years this week. My first huge big, musical extravangza American church experience! Church for me is always equal parts enlightening and inspiring, full of love and support and yet equal parts bat-shit crazy. It’s like the city bus – it gets you where you want to go quick and conveniently but you have to feel like a bag is about to be thrown over your head before you’re locked in a dungeon and forced to listen to choir music for hours.

By the way I once heard a woman in church exclaim “all you need is love” and John Lennon said that and he chose Yoko Ono over an endless string of horny groupies, and THAT’s bat-shit crazy.

Also this week Alicia Keys New York song has made me officially no longer dream of living in New York, so I need a new dream city. At the moment I am thinking Minnesota, I heard there is a heat wave there right now and I’m a sucker for a warm climate.

Besides did you know that 20% of New York residents never sleep walk into ongoing traffic – NEVER – that’s no town for me!

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Friday, July 2, 2010

Didn't die ALL year!!!

Two of my best friends and my Ok, intriguing: Hell Yeah! co-hosts birthdays are this week, yay. Happy birthday Faith and Eliza!!!!

So here are some things you may not know about presents

- If you're at a bridal shower dealy and you're on a TV show always buy a vibrator for a gift because that will shock the older ladies you didn't think were going to be there (older ladies on TV only use fingers when cleaning out their ears, cue-tips can cause ear infections, if you know what I mean).
- If the person whom your celebrating works in the steel mines don't buy him the DVD of 'Remington Steel' unless you're POSITIVE he uses a Remington shaver, otherwise no one will get the joke and you've wasted your hard earned gift giving responsibilities
- Always joke around about what you got your friend as a gift by saying things like 'we got a hat from Rip Curl, a pack of condoms for people with tiny penises, and a Whitesnake t-shirt, ha ha ha ha, just kidding' when in fact you're not kidding, cause that way they get to go 'thank fuck you're joking, I'd hate all those girfts' before awkwardly opening them in front of everyone (this actually happened to me when I was younger)(please note except for the condoms I don't actually remember what the rest of the gifts were, too mortified to memory bank that one)(please note also that a Whitesnake t-shirt would suck, but tiny condoms, mmm mmm snug)
- If it's a birthday and they are older than they want to be always get them one of those cards which say 'happy birthday old man!!!' that way you won't be invited back next year, and you don't have to hear them whine about how old they now are (please note I whine about how old I am every year, at least come to my party you pricks)
- If you can't afford a present make a fake coupon book of annoying chores, then wrap it up and put her boyfriends name on the card, cause why would your friend make you buy his girlfriend a present, weirdo

Anyone got any weird/awful/awesome present stories?