Seventeen - Leaving Behind The Pocket

There's an ancient Chinese saying of wisdom that I recently coined - 'leaving a kid somewhere is probably nearly as bad as taking a kid, depending on the place, the kid, your relationship to the kid, your intentions, and whether you are real or a cartoon of a rambunctiousness goat'.

I like this ancient bit of Chinese wisdom for numerous reasons:

- I came up with it. 

- It's super wise. 

- It covers almost every dangerous situation you may find yourself in.

- Particularly ones where someone is considering either child abandonment or kidnapping. 

- Which lets face it, is most situations. 

- And it also covers every other situation, including, but definitely not limited to - angry tree climbing, pretending a train is actually a man licking another man's shoe, criminal level wave drying, forgetting to wear shoes leaving your head really cold in a blizzard, timing how long it takes someone to realize their watch has been replaced with a small scorpion, picking off people's purely deception motivated moles and glueing them to a vomit themed floor painting, and even somethings that we don't all do regularly, like washing our hair. 

- Because actions don't really matter, all that matters is what your intentions were. 

- And also it covers times when you're being a rambunctious cartoon goat, which quite frankly is almost completely ignored by most ancient Chinese quotes, those dicks. 

I was thinking about this bit of wisdom right NOW because I was in danger, BIG danger, I mean sure the waiter's actions suggested he was happy with me, this man was even willing to give me stuff, stuff like a keychain or even one of his daughters, and that can be BIG important drastic stuff, like imagine how annoying he was going to find fishing his mail box key out from his pocket NOW! And getting your mail is hard enough as it is, given that for some reason mail boxes always have a deadly spider in them with a small note attached to one of their back legs saying 'property of Kev's brother', nature sure is weird. Yet my tooth was throbbing, so I was clearly in danger, that meant the waiter's intent was something OTHER than what it seemed. 

I was also thinking about this bit of wisdom because there was a kid crying near by me, which was super distracting, he'd clearly been abandoned, as who would want a crying kid, but he was ALSO in process of being kidnapped, because some lady was holding him and singing a lullaby, which just goes to prove that kidnappers are stupid.

I needed to respond to this danger NOW, and my response needed to be BIG! Unfortunately my throbbing tooth may be a gift and a talent, but it's remarkably unspecific, so I wasn't sure what exactly I was in danger of. 

Like for example one time I was driving my car and I realized my tooth was throbbing, so I assumed a meteorite was about to plummet into my car, but after drastically cutting across four lanes of traffic and watching several small petroleum explosions the size of a cruise ship, it turned out that the ACTUAL danger I faced that day was having to talk to a police officer with a lisp for five minutes - it was literally the worst encounter with a cop anyone has ever had! 

Or this other time I was riding on a man trying to lick another man's shoe when I realized my tooth was throbbing, and so I naturally I assumed that I was in danger of missing my stop, so I pulled on the emergency break while simultaneously shoving the grand piano I was traveling with out the window, causing the whole man trying to lick another man's shoe to derail, and as I walked away from the small electrical fire the size of a train, I discovered the real danger I'd been in - having to talk to a police officer with a face birthmark for four minutes - it was literally the worst encounter with a cop anyone has ever had ever! 

Or another time I was at a massive police convention giving a speech on 'Staying Alert' when I noticed that my tooth was throbbing and so obviously I instinctively assumed that one of the cops was secretly ten cats sticky-taped together and wearing a trench coat so they could steal my secrets on how to catch a red dot (clue: you have to start by dipping your catching paw in a bucket of liquified casino neon), when it turned out I was actually in danger of having my wallet pick pocketed, what sort of utter son of bitch, piece of shit, total dick would steal a wallet? I have no fucking clue. But it meant I had to talk to a police officer with halitosis for three minutes - it was literally the best encounter with a cop anyone has ever had ever (because, he he, while we were talking I stole his wallet). 

Yes danger looms everywhere, and there is no logic or pattern to it, it is completely different every time. So what danger I was in right now could be literally anything. There were only two things I knew for sure, this danger was BIG and I was in it NOW. 

There was only one thing I could do. React NOW and react BIG, and so I did it. I whipped out my 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' diary and began to sketch out some thoughts on what the danger here might be. And what I was to draw would be so mind blowingly mind blowing that it was going to blow even my own mind, and in a mind blowing fashion so fashionable that it would blow minds all throughout the following fashion season, a season that would be turned out to be focused on the fabric pattern of blown minds! 

To be revealed* 

*Like when the sexy cartoon goat you have your eye on takes off her goat suit and turns out to be a wolf that's super dumb and thinks you're a lamb. Ha ha, you're going hungry you dick*! 

*Speaking of dicks, here's a fun fact - turns out cops don't even know what a man trying to lick another man's shoe is! That's why talking to them sometimes sucks. 

Nine - Accidental Fingering Not On

I took off the elephant tusks I was wearing as shoes, then I took off the stop sign that I was wearing as elephant tusks, then I took off the shoes I was wearing as a stop sign, and put the stop sign where the shoes had been, the elephant tusks where the stop sign had been, and the shoes where the elephant tusks had been, and then I realized I was wearing something in the place EVERYONE wears it, the stop sign, which was lame, and something I would NEVER stand for, so I flipped the tusks and the sign, took a quick look in the mirror, and then ran and booted the waiter hard in the kneecaps.

Now I counted how many condiments were on my table, and counted how many condiments were on the adjacent table and then went and booted the waiter in the kneecap six times for the six condiments I was shy. I mean he knew that just moments before I'd kicked them all off to make more space to briefly rest my elephant tusks, but he hadn't replaced them! What dick. 

Next I replaced all the tampons in the vending machine in the ladies bathroom with messages from the crips. (See how easy replacing things is!)

Then I purposely falsely fingered a fellow diner for fingering food in the salad bar, demanded free finger food as compensation, and then laughed in his foolish face while I ate it with my feet while screaming 'NO ONE tells me what is and what is not finger food, you dicks!!!'

Then I started a new fashion trend, which was easy, I just saw a guy across the room who'd replaced his teeth with chop-sticks, which made them WAY easier to use, and I did that, so starting that trend. 

After this I cursed myself for throwing out all the tampons, I had a lot of blood coming out of my face and without tampons the only thing I had to wipe it on was the table cloth of the family at the adjacent table, when they complained I yelled 'obviously I threw all my tampons out you dicks' and that made them smile and giggle almost as if they were nervous, I guess some people find happiness hard to take with its fleeting nature and all, but I was happy I'd made them happy, sometimes just telling people the truth makes people happy. I vowed to remember that, but instead remembered to buy super glue for the next time I replaced my teeth with chop-sticks, which was foolish because by the time I'd make it to the hardware store I was sure I'd have switched to sticking hamster skeletons in there, that's just how fashion works. 

Next I approached someone with a fork stuck in their leg and yelled 'well this ones done, huh huh? Get it? Cause like the saying "stick a fork in him, he's done"' Unfortunately stupid Kev hadn't followed my earlier instructions, so I had to instead jam a fork into a stranger to make it work, but I still got my desired and expected outcome, I discovered that not a single person in the restaurant had a sense of humor, seriously not one laugh. People sure are sad these days. Must be the fleeting nature of happiness again. If people want to focus on something fleeting I don't know why people don't instead focus on the fleeting nature of steam? Steam is fleeting, but it's also FLAWLESSLY good! It's literally impossible to come up with a bad use for steam.

Next I began to viciously scold a pretend infant under my table, yelling stuff like 'I told you in the car if you hide under the table you won't get to eat', and 'that'll be six days in a row with zero food if you don't come out' and 'emancipation does not go with all your burns!' and 'don't make me steam you again', and other fun things, and then when a fellow diner came to 'check on her' and looked under the table I'd accuse him of kidnapping her. 

It was only when I finished the last of this list of things that I assume we all always do in a restaurant immediately after ordering our food to make the wait less tedious, I mean they make it so tedious, right? If they're not going to provide entertainment then we'll do it. But that's when a memory hit me, and it hit me NOW, and it hit me BIG!

I remembered what I was supposed to be doing, getting BIG retribution from the waiter for having a dig at me, and it had to happen NOW, and the retribution had to be BIG, and I'd already kicked him in the kneecaps, so that couldn't be it, that's just one of our regular things I do, I needed a new plan, and I had to think of it NOW, and it had to be BIG. 

I looked up at him, trying to spot a weakness,  and what I saw changed everything, and also changed this specific thing, and this specific thing is definitely part of everything, and it changed it BIG and the repercussions were going to affect me NOW! 

To be followed with more*

*Followed like how idiots follow fashion, even though it's just as easy to start all new trends yourself, idiots. Here's some fashion tips for you from me, so YOU don't end up looking like an idiot - walrus tusks make great elephant tusk alternatives, and are often easier to pull off said animals head (for some reason elephants don't like you tugging on them till them come out, so selfish). No Parking signs make awful stop sign alternatives (why would anyone have been thinking of parking on your head?). And pretty much anything but shoes make great shoes, one time I tried saber tooth tiger tusks I stole from the museum as shoes. You'd never guess how excited people were, all sorts of authority figures chased me just to see them in action, it was very exciting!

Breaking news

Breaking news: Tragedy struck earlier today, in striking fashion during a break from picketing by three striking Fashion Industry Strokers, down in the Strap region of the fashion district on Distract Street, as a microwave in the break room was turned off just as Simon, a corn kernel, was finally ready to pop.

Simon's lack of popping was particularly tragic due to several important facts:

- He was the last kernel left to pop in the whole bag, meaning his exploding would have led to the first burn-free and yet completely popped bag of microwave popcorn, a feat that surely would have led to 'Jonathan' the bags popper, and planned consumer, to unleash powerful words of astonishment, that I am lead to believe would have gone - 'wow, sweet'.

- Jonathon dearly needed a 'wow, sweet'. His life was very savory (ha ha. Wait that’s the opposite of sweet right? Or is it sour? It doesn’t matter; let’s stick with ha ha!) at the moment, and it was just jokes as lame as that, that were holding him from true umami. Ha ha. Umami.

- That's one of the flavor profiles right? 

- Is profile the right word? 

- How come the savory vs sweet question was reduced to mere parentheses when these questions get to exist as their own points?

- What the hell is a ‘fashion industry stroker’?

- And are they hiring?

- Also Simon had been a hero!

- He had been ready to pop way earlier but had seen some prepubescent corn kernels struggling, and made the selfless decision to make sure they popped safely before he would go. 

- Not that they said thank you.

- Having popped and all.

- I wonder what it feels like to ‘pop’?

- I bet it would feel swell!

- When I was in Japan I found a snack that was a full bag of half popped popcorn, and MAN it was good.

- Yum.

- PLUS texturally pleasurable.

- See, I know textures, someone hire me down on Distract Street Please; if those lazy bums want to strike then I’ll HAPPILY take their jobs!

- Unless the job is all stroking models bums.

- Those bums can be striking, making it a struggle to stand rudeness in traffic, I mean pick a lane dick!

Once again, tragedy on Distract Street as Simon, a corn kernel, failed to pop.

Simon was survived by no one.

And he was attempted to be eaten anyway.

Then half his face got stuck between two of Jonathan’s teeth requiring him to be flossed out.

A floss advocate was heard exclaiming ‘wow, sweet’.

So I guess this was a happy story in the end.