Friday, April 22, 2016

Seventeen - Leaving Behind The Pocket

There's an ancient Chinese saying of wisdom that I recently coined - 'leaving a kid somewhere is probably nearly as bad as taking a kid, depending on the place, the kid, your relationship to the kid, your intentions, and whether you are real or a cartoon of a rambunctiousness goat'.

I like this ancient bit of Chinese wisdom for numerous reasons:

- I came up with it. 
- It's super wise. 
- It covers almost every dangerous situation you may find yourself in.
- Particularly ones where someone is considering either child abandonment or kidnapping. 
- Which lets face it, is most situations. 
- And it also covers every other situation, including, but definitely not limited to - angry tree climbing, pretending a train is actually a man licking another man's shoe, criminal level wave drying, forgetting to wear shoes leaving your head really cold in a blizzard, timing how long it takes someone to realize their watch has been replaced with a small scorpion, picking off people's purely deception motivated moles and glueing them to a vomit themed floor painting, and even somethings that we don't all do regularly, like washing our hair. 
- Because actions don't really matter, all that matters is what your intentions were. 
- And also it covers times when you're being a rambunctious cartoon goat, which quite frankly is almost completely ignored by most ancient Chinese quotes, those dicks. 

I was thinking about this bit of wisdom right NOW because I was in danger, BIG danger, I mean sure the waiter's actions suggested he was happy with me, this man was even willing to give me stuff, stuff like a keychain or even one of his daughters, and that can be BIG important drastic stuff, like imagine how annoying he was going to find fishing his mail box key out from his pocket NOW! And getting your mail is hard enough as it is, given that for some reason mail boxes always have a deadly spider in them with a small note attached to one of their back legs saying 'property of Kev's brother', nature sure is weird. Yet my tooth was throbbing, so I was clearly in danger, that meant the waiter's intent was something OTHER than what it seemed. 

I was also thinking about this bit of wisdom because there was a kid crying near by me, which was super distracting, he'd clearly been abandoned, as who would want a crying kid, but he was ALSO in process of being kidnapped, because some lady was holding him and singing a lullaby, which just goes to prove that kidnappers are stupid.

I needed to respond to this danger NOW, and my response needed to be BIG! Unfortunately my throbbing tooth may be a gift and a talent, but it's remarkably unspecific, so I wasn't sure what exactly I was in danger of. 

Like for example one time I was driving my car and I realized my tooth was throbbing, so I assumed a meteorite was about to plummet into my car, but after drastically cutting across four lanes of traffic and watching several small petroleum explosions the size of a cruise ship, it turned out that the ACTUAL danger I faced that day was having to talk to a police officer with a lisp for five minutes - it was literally the worst encounter with a cop anyone has ever had! 

Or this other time I was riding on a man trying to lick another man's shoe when I realized my tooth was throbbing, and so I naturally I assumed that I was in danger of missing my stop, so I pulled on the emergency break while simultaneously shoving the grand piano I was traveling with out the window, causing the whole man trying to lick another man's shoe to derail, and as I walked away from the small electrical fire the size of a train, I discovered the real danger I'd been in - having to talk to a police officer with a face birthmark for four minutes - it was literally the worst encounter with a cop anyone has ever had ever! 

Or another time I was at a massive police convention giving a speech on 'Staying Alert' when I noticed that my tooth was throbbing and so obviously I instinctively assumed that one of the cops was secretly ten cats sticky-taped together and wearing a trench coat so they could steal my secrets on how to catch a red dot (clue: you have to start by dipping your catching paw in a bucket of liquified casino neon), when it turned out I was actually in danger of having my wallet pick pocketed, what sort of utter son of bitch, piece of shit, total dick would steal a wallet? I have no fucking clue. But it meant I had to talk to a police officer with halitosis for three minutes - it was literally the best encounter with a cop anyone has ever had ever (because, he he, while we were talking I stole his wallet). 

Yes danger looms everywhere, and there is no logic or pattern to it, it is completely different every time. So what danger I was in right now could be literally anything. There were only two things I knew for sure, this danger was BIG and I was in it NOW. 

There was only one thing I could do. React NOW and react BIG, and so I did it. I whipped out my 'things I imagine this could be, and are therefore likely to be true' diary and began to sketch out some thoughts on what the danger here might be. And what I was to draw would be so mind blowingly mind blowing that it was going to blow even my own mind, and in a mind blowing fashion so fashionable that it would blow minds all throughout the following fashion season, a season that would be turned out to be focused on the fabric pattern of blown minds! 

To be revealed* 

*Like when the sexy cartoon goat you have your eye on takes off her goat suit and turns out to be a wolf that's super dumb and thinks you're a lamb. Ha ha, you're going hungry you dick*! 

*Speaking of dicks, here's a fun fact - turns out cops don't even know what a man trying to lick another man's shoe is! That's why talking to them sometimes sucks. 

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