Now THAT's Crazy AND Modern

In these crazy modern times, with all its crazy modern conveniences, crazy modern obstacles, crazy modern approach to human relations and crazy modern alternatives to traditional methods of persuading your average lost and frightened fruit bat to eat the fruit in your neighbors yard instead of your own, there is one thing you can be sure about - your life is crazy! No wait, there are two things you can be sure about - your life is crazy, and your life is modern! 

Consider these facts: 

1. Toasters.

2. Pot-Holes.

3. Friends With Benefits. 

4. High Frequency Ultrasonic Sound Expellers. 

That was a list of crazy modern elements that affect your current life, representing the following categories: 

A. Crazy Modern Convenience.

B. Crazy Modern Obstacle. 

C. Crazy Approach To Human Relations. 

D. Crazy Modern Alternatives To Traditional Methods Of Persuading Your Average Lost And Frightened Fruit Bat To Eat The Fruit In Your Neighbors Yard Instead Of Your Own. 

Can you match the number with its correct corresponding letter? Surprisingly 92.67% of people quizzed get this wrong. I'll give you just a minute or two to think about it. 

Ok, here are the correct answers. 

A. Matches with number 2. Pot-holes mean roads, roads mean cars, cars mean the ability to drive to your local science and gadget store which is full of the most brand new modern technology around, like spiders encased in glass, balls that if you touch make an beam of electricity come off your finger, and change sorters. 

B. Of course matches with 4. You're trying to escape prison, your plan is flawless, except for that loud supersonic ear piercing noise the alarm expels, that's an obstacle and a half.  

C. Obviously this one is 1. Toasters are obviously the hip relationship trend among kids, and a little seedy and sorted if you ask me, where you only kiss someone if they had toast for breakfast. Stop trying to grow up so fast kids, enjoy Fruit-Loops while you can! 

D. Leaves us with 3. A friend, who comes with the benefit of being able to guilt trip into standing in your yard with a broom scaring fruit bats off your citrus trees, and into your neighbors banana trees. 

If you failed that test then it's quite clear the craziness and modernness of your life has gotten crazily out of control, in a really modern way. 

But fear not. That why I am starting a new workshop to get you back to the raw place your body and soul THOUGHT it had evolved to be at, a time before ANYTHING was modern, and craziness was merely a barely touched excel spreadsheet on Einstein's MacBookPro. 

Welcome to HowlShop. A workshop where I'll teach you to howl the way you're supposed to, the way your ancestors on the Mayflower, First Fleet, St Augustian, Rugghlet or other very famous migratory ships did. 

I offer you this very, very exciting and very important guarantee - you'll turn your current:

'hoooooowwwwwlll'

Into a:

'HHOOOOOOOOWWWWLLLL'

Or your money back! 

Ok, I've just been informed that by mushing the words Howl and Workshop into one word 'HowlShop' I have used a crazy modern convenience, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I have failed you all. Sorry. 

Oh fuck, I've also just been informed that failure is a crazy modern obstacle. Shit. 

I feel like a scared and frightened fruit bat, who wants to come hit me with a broom? 

I am king of the roofs

'Your exhibiting some particularly bizarre behavior recently' she said
'Thank you, I was hoping you'd notice' I replied

We were on the roof at the time doing some roofing, because we don't practice on the ground, no siree, we're not that kind of couple, when we want to ride moose like they were donkeys, we ride moose like they were donkeys, when we want to invent an alcoholic shot called a 'coconut corner face leaf' we don't just do it, we make them the number one alcoholic shot on earth, and if you've never heard of them that's just because you've had so many of them that you don't remember the past eight years of your life. We call it roofing out. And it happens to us all at some point. Even to teetotalers, and those guys are pussys, until you spike their coffee with a 'coconut corner face leaf', and so clearly if we want to roof, you better believe we go straight to the roof!

I don't remember why exactly we wanted to go roofing. Since the 'coconut corner face leaf' took off we've been so rich we live in buildings so extravagant they no longer even have roofs. Don't worry, it's not your lack of eight years of memory causing you to not know about the 'roofless living extravaganza lovfrest sheds', you have to be a world famous alcoholic shot inventor to be invited to even tour the premises, and you have to pay for your own subway token. 'Subway’ of course being the 'ironic' name we use for 'moose ride'. Ha ha, and you can't buy a moose ride, you have to earn a moose's respect with inventing skills, everyone knows that. Ha ha,

I won't bore you with information on what we use instead of roofs, which is lucky because what we use for roofs is so interesting it could never bore anyone, in fact it’s so interesting it could make a sloth dance for a slipper sole, which is ironic because sloths don't wear slippers, and also because we use stretched sloth scrotums for roofs even though they are so weak that once stretched they barely can keep out a drop of rain, let alone the storm of sloth feces hurled at us daily by angry moose. ‘It’s all about living dangerously’ said my neighbor Bill, and he knows a thing or two about that, he invented the alcoholic shot known as the ‘cocksucking cowboy’ and you better believe he is a guy that does research before naming an alcoholic shot.

Yep times have been good. Or so I believed. Until my lover told me that she thought I'd been behaving bizarrely recently while we were roofing, now times aren't good, they are magnificent, my lover has finally noticed I'm not the boring guy I always assumed she thought I was.

I'm not going to lie, even I have doubted my levels of interestingness, I mean I've never even seen a bat vomit candle wax on a sunken submarine, so how dare I consider myself interesting? I mean what kind of boring psycho hasn't seen that? Sure I could see a bat vomit candle wax on a sunken submarine if I simply swallowed my pride and finally gave a nice tip to my local straw deliverer, but I refuse because his straw is always pre-licked by bats and I prefer my straw pre-licked by animals that can see for fuck sake, what do you think I am? A fucking roofer?

Oh right, THAT is why we went roofing. I remember now. My lover was chewing on a string of straw that had been pre-licked by a bat, just to mock me, and I realized that she was just another opportunist trying to take advantage of my flawed levels of normality. ‘Fuck this, let’s go roofing! I cried. I wanted to prove to her once and for all just how interesting I can be. But why should I? Her commentary of ‘your exhibiting some particularly bizarre behavior recently' in hindsight was clearly sarcasm. I hate sarcasm. Just be real, and honest to the core, like ME for god’s sake. 

Why can’t you love me just the way I am, boring and all? You know what lady lover, screw you, I’m blowing this pop stand, and I am telling the moose that I invented the ‘coconut corner face leaf’ all by myself, so enjoy WALKING back to our 'roofless living extravaganza lovfrest shed', and if you want to make love tonight then fine, but we’re only doing it in twelve positions maximum! I am not making special efforts to be interesting for you anymore!