Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Now THAT's Crazy AND Modern

In these crazy modern times, with all its crazy modern conveniences, crazy modern obstacles, crazy modern approach to human relations and crazy modern alternatives to traditional methods of persuading your average lost and frightened fruit bat to eat the fruit in your neighbors yard instead of your own, there is one thing you can be sure about - your life is crazy! No wait, there are two things you can be sure about - your life is crazy, and your life is modern! 

Consider these facts: 
1. Toasters.
2. Pot-Holes.
3. Friends With Benefits. 
4. High Frequency Ultrasonic Sound Expellers. 

That was a list of crazy modern elements that affect your current life, representing the following categories: 

A. Crazy Modern Convenience.
B. Crazy Modern Obstacle. 
C. Crazy Approach To Human Relations. 
D. Crazy Modern Alternatives To Traditional Methods Of Persuading Your Average Lost And Frightened Fruit Bat To Eat The Fruit In Your Neighbors Yard Instead Of Your Own. 

Can you match the number with its correct corresponding letter? Surprisingly 92.67% of people quizzed get this wrong. I'll give you just a minute or two to think about it. 

Ok, here are the correct answers. 

A. Matches with number 2. Pot-holes mean roads, roads mean cars, cars mean the ability to drive to your local science and gadget store which is full of the most brand new modern technology around, like spiders encased in glass, balls that if you touch make an beam of electricity come off your finger, and change sorters. 
B. Of course matches with 4. You're trying to escape prison, your plan is flawless, except for that loud supersonic ear piercing noise the alarm expels, that's an obstacle and a half.  
C. Obviously this one is 1. Toasters are obviously the hip relationship trend among kids, and a little seedy and sorted if you ask me, where you only kiss someone if they had toast for breakfast. Stop trying to grow up so fast kids, enjoy Fruit-Loops while you can! 
D. Leaves us with 3. A friend, who comes with the benefit of being able to guilt trip into standing in your yard with a broom scaring fruit bats off your citrus trees, and into your neighbors banana trees. 

If you failed that test then it's quite clear the craziness and modernness of your life has gotten crazily out of control, in a really modern way. 

But fear not. That why I am starting a new workshop to get you back to the raw place your body and soul THOUGHT it had evolved to be at, a time before ANYTHING was modern, and craziness was merely a barely touched excel spreadsheet on Einstein's MacBookPro. 

Welcome to HowlShop. A workshop where I'll teach you to howl the way you're supposed to, the way your ancestors on the Mayflower, First Fleet, St Augustian, Rugghlet or other very famous migratory ships did. 

I offer you this very, very exciting and very important guarantee - you'll turn your current:
Into a:

Or your money back! 

Ok, I've just been informed that by mushing the words Howl and Workshop into one word 'HowlShop' I have used a crazy modern convenience, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I have failed you all. Sorry. 

Oh fuck, I've also just been informed that failure is a crazy modern obstacle. Shit. 

I feel like a scared and frightened fruit bat, who wants to come hit me with a broom? 

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