Saturday, February 28, 2015

Dusty Consequence Causation

I'm in Adelaide performing my first big epic solo show, which means today is my first day as a rock star. 

The point is of course that it was crazy hot here today, or is all this heat just because I'm in town heating the crap out of the place? With my hotness! Cause I'm a rock star this fortnight. And rock stars are hot, and I'm such a hot rock star that if I didn't totally prefer loose pants I could totally rock tight pants. But loose pants are more comfortable, and also cooler. Temperature wise that is. And by honoring that instinct I'm by definition way cooler in the other more parochial manner. And by using bad ass words like 'parochial' I'm even cooler in the non temperature definition of cool, and I'm not even sure what 'parochial' means, but using it regardless is risky behavior, you know cause someone could call me out for using it incorrectly, but I'm willing to take that risk, because I'm a rock star and being a rock star means taking risks, and then if I have to face the consequences choosing instead to not really face the consequences, because not owning up to your mistakes kicks ass, and as a rock star I want that ass to be red as a sunset on a day where the sunset was less yellow or orange than usual and way more red, which may well just be an optical illusion caused by an increase of dust hovering in the air after a sustained period of the combination of low humidity and high temperatures, but those are of course caused by my personal hotness. 
Is what I would say if I was a musician. But I'm a comedian, so instead, um, check it out, my belly is slightly bigger than I'd like it to be. See. Ha ha. It's a belly. 

Being a comedian kicks ass. I'm gonna do some sit-ups. 

Friday, February 27, 2015

The best day journey - Sandy Glass

There's an old saying that I'm coining as I type: 

'As one journey ends another automatically begins' 


That's kicks ass as a saying. It's like that door closing window opening bullshit that always mocks those who live in windowless homes, doorless homes and even the  homeless. 

Yet it misses none of the wisdom. There's a thing and then as a result of that thing coming to an end there's a different thing. Almost like as if without the thing there wouldn't even be a thing. 

And mine even rhymes. Or at least would if you replaced the word 'end' with 'Berlin' and aren't caught up with a need for your rhymes to be perfect. And if you are then this isn't a saying for you anyway, and you've just missed a trip to Berlin my friend. 

Oh wait, you could keep 'ends' and just add 'friends' and then turn some one syllable words into two syllables by doing some sort of weird accent. 

And that's just it with my saying, there are exciting substitution options. Just try that with the alternative. 

When a do-or closes 
A window Berlin. 

Doesn't make any sense OR rhyme! 

Also mine makes sense to my day, which was the best of my life. My 'journey' to Adelaide was completed, and my 'journey' to being an Adelaide Fringe Rock Star automatically began. 

Yep that's a kick ass new saying I coined. It's almost I took a thing and made a thing with it that wouldn't exist without thing. 


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Best long days

Lessons from an epic day on the road 

- Long tiring days on the road are tiring. 
- I bet before music was invented it was super tedious being in the car all day.
- Why isn't it spelled 'teedius'. 
- spellcheck isn't at all helpful when you're intentionally misspelling a word. 
- huoppjhf
- See!
- Turns out seeing baby Emus is more adorable than roadkill kangaroo.
- Turns out having a fun idea for something to film in front of a roadkill roo makes it so you basically never see one again. 
- Yep, I think I saved the lives of hundreds of Roos today. 
- Video to come. 
- Turns out really hot sun can make you feel really hot. 
- I'm really tired. 
- I wonder if my only sleeping being short and in the car contributed. 
- Today was the best... Etc. 
- I need to sleep. 
- Long tiring days on the road are tiring. 

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Best - on the road to Adelaide

There's nothing like a long day in the car by yourself to make you realize a few fun facts about yourself to tell yourself about yourself. Today I've realized that: 

- I definitely like listening to comedy albums at least as much as I like listening to music albums these days. 
- it's fun to plan to take every scenic route you see. 
- it's less fun when you barely find any. 
- Even less fun when the only one you find accidentally takes you in the opposite way you meant to go. 
- I still really like snacks. 
- signs that say 'beware of the snakes' only make it more scary when you walk through a spider web. 
- walking through a spider web is even more scary than normal when you have your penis out. 
- Peeing in the wilderness isn't as freeing as I'd hoped. 
- the distance between time and space is blatantly obvious, depending on where you begin and end divided by the meaning of all existence as summed up in the movement of a slug on the floor of a truck stop snack section. 
- I've been looking forward to having a big chunk of time on my own, it's been ages since I've had this much time to just think. 
- turns out I'm lonely, I've had too many people around to notice.
- It's fun going on tour. 
- I hope this phone service hangs in, I've been driving nearly 12 hours, I'm ready for a nap. 
- or a snack. 
- yay that rhymes. 
- today is the best day of my times. 
- boom. 

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Packing it all into the best day of my life

I am packing right now. Tomorrow morning I head off to perform at a big festival in Adelaide doing a show all of my own. Actually ten of them! That's fucking awesome. It promises to be one of the best things I'll ever get the opportunity to have in my future. The future being where it takes place. Like it's not set in the future, well some of it may be, it's an improvised show, so it could take place anytime my imagination says it will, like space in a whole different universe, or a fantasy world where everything you lick becomes gold, or even a kitchen! But I said it takes place in the future because I was trying not to temp fate, but I think I've fucked up, I've tried so hard to avoid tempting fate that I think fate is about to go all in. Fucking hell. The point is the show may be awesome, as long as I get there safely. Which I plan on. Please pray for me.

Also who cares about the future, let's care about now, and you know what's awesome about now? It’s that I'm currently packing. And that's awesome, because I love packing!

Packing is a rare activity that makes you take stock of what you've got, and what you've got that you don't need. Like for example do I need the bottle of dishwasher powder on the bench in front of me right now anytime in the next three weeks? Possibly not. Given that I'm staying in a hotel room with no dishwasher I think there's less than a 17% chance I'll use it in the next three weeks. Therefore I don't need it.

Wow. I'd NEVER have known that had I not been packing to go away today. I'd have sat around home thinking I NEEDED dishwasher powder. That's a shit life.

'Hey wanna come get a bite with me'?
'Nah I can't, got to stay with my dishwashing powder'.
'You can bring it if you want?'
'Really, you're swell'
'I am really aren't I?
'Oh fuck I need you now too'.

Now do that same thing with everything you own that you don't actually need. Your TV, your microwave, three types of photo ID, your life size blow up cheese sandwich doll, a ball of dryer fluff, a plastic bag full of plastic bags, three things nick named 'Karl', a folder full of leaves you've rescued from sadistic rakes, the opportunity to sing naked, a moldy half loaf of bread, a hole punch, a pair of broken sunglasses, a broken cow bell, a broken promise of endless sunshine - I could go on and on - and so I will - a pair of shorts you swear you'll be thin enough to wear again one day, a charger to a phone you no longer own, respect of your peers, two working pancreases, a box of tissues with no tissues left in it, a personally hand written transcript of episode 124 of Murder She Wrote, the memory of a monkey, a wet towel, a sofa, the part of the sofa with the barbeque sauce stain, a ticket stub to the movie you saw last week, pork breath, your TV.

Now think of how many friends that you you'll have to get a bite with to hang on to all that! Friends that you'll end up NEEDING for being so swell. But I now know that half the stuff on my list I don't need in the next three weeks, and the other half now sits neatly shoved in my bag. Yep, packing kicks ass.

Ps. Check out my show. It’s going to be in the future, and may be even set in a kitchen NOOK!

Monday, February 23, 2015

Best Day Ever - Who doesn't like treats?

I'm going to go ahead and say it; I like the word 'implement'. In fact I think it's totally swell.

Why? Because when the word 'implement' comes out to play it means that ideas have been had, possibly even discussed, potentially even agreed upon, and perhaps based upon these ideas, discussions and conceivably even agreements, someone's decided to take action. That's plausibly powerful, which is feasibly awesome. Which would be rock solidly great.

Like say if there was a country called 'Implematia', which was a small island nation off the Amelia coast of the former Eastern Block sovereignty of Karacha, which is a region most notable for the nice things they say about Italy. Then say Implematia had a GDP which was heavily dependent on the export of a small grasshopper like insect, called Guggles, which Uzbekistani owners of pet Fire Lizards liked to give as treats, when their lizard’s had been behaving well. Then say that an Implementian politician had had an idea, that was discussed and based on these discussions there was an agreement, which lead to an implementation of this idea. And now add in that the original idea was that there were thousands of Guggles completely infesting the entire island, and that even though the building of some beach resort hotels would most likely disturb a few nests, but not enough to put even a slight dent in the overwhelming infestation of Guggles, far more than could ever be exported to Uzbekistan, so that this part of their GDP would not be disturbed, but that the enormity of potential tourist dollars could not be scoffed at, then the following would probably also be true:

-You’ll all now be wondering if the word ‘Implement’ was coined in Implematia.
- You’ll all now be wondering where you too can get a pet Fire Lizard.
- You’ll all currently be fantasizing about a sweet holiday by the beach in Implematia.

Yep, that’s a great word that implement!

Now even though today has been the best day of my life I have had an issue all day. I went to the dentist a few days ago with teeth that didn’t hurt at all, and now they have hurt every second since I left the dentist, plus because I can’t damn stop tonging the part of the back of my teeth that now feels coarse where the plaque or some shit was scraped out, my tongue hurts like shit too.

So I had an idea to distract me from my teeth and tongue and discomfort and instead be fantasizing about being in a sweet ass beach resort, and I just implemented the fuck out it.

I’ll go ahead and say it, yep I am one genius motherfucker. Although to be honest it didn’t fucking work. Stop tonguing that part Dave, for the love of fucking god why can’t I stop? It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, it sucks so bad. I feel like a fucking Fire Lizard three weeks since it’s last Guggle.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

The Paramount Day Project - Brutal Freedom

Today was the best day of my life and I'll tell you why, because there is great art in this world people. In fact it is all around us, like a big donut hugging us tight in its hole.

I was reminded of this today when I had the great fortune to run into an amazing public art performance. It was quite astounding, a lady was performing a piece of free form poetry, fit to an extremely challenging and audacious tempo, that somehow perfectly caught a flawlessly engaging pulse and rhythm, that on the surface was raw, crude even, but struck the ear with a gorgeous juxtaposition of grind and smooth. She spoke her words with a truthful menace that brought genuine fear to those who witnessed it, and yet despite the flow of the words, and the construction of her syllables being almost magically in sync, the actual words she was speaking seemed to matter not.

It was truly awe-inspiring.

Of course just as I stumbled upon her performance the cops were arriving, for as is the unfortunate routine, the authorities fear the Avant-Garde, and so shut it down. But for a fleeting beautiful moment or so, like great art often spans, those of us lucky enough to be there saw a gorgeous painting of a performance, in all its raw, improvisation, rage spewing, saliva spitting, skillfully ferocious livid brilliance.

Well ok, in the cops defense the artist didn’t let’s say ‘know’ that she was making art. She was actually crazy meth head screaming at her deadbeat boyfriend about how 'farkin worthless a cunt he is' and seemed to be ready to rip his intestines out through his eyeballs.

But I’m dead serious about her locking into an amazing rhythm and tempo and groove, and genuine truthful creativity. It was honestly amazing.

I'd have filmed it if I could have.

But as is unfortunately often the routine when stumbling upon unintentional art, I was scared of her stabbing me with an aids needle, or possibly screaming at me until a teeth flew out and got imbedded into my skull.

So I merely watched for a few moments in my peripheral vision, and reminded myself that like a huge cream cheese bagel hugging us with its delicious cheese creamy covered hole, art is all around is, even if it is sometimes aimed at ‘farkin’ cunts’.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Best day ever reaction - Elaborate Intimidation Mongeration

Holy shit, I just levitated. Seriously! Wow! 

I was walking along the street. There was a gutter in front of me. I was walking towards the gutter. The gutter was looming. Intimidating me. Mocking me. I thought... 

'How am I going to get up over that gutter. Can I get over that gutter? Do I turn around and go back? Succumb to its menace? Or do I face it? Take it on? Scale it? Conquer it even? And if so how? Do I use ropes or go bare fisted? Do I use some form of flying contraption? Or just step up like a normal fucking person?' 

It was a conundrum. A battle. A riddle of effort opportunity conflict. 

To turn around was an easy solution yet would require more effort to now take the long way home. To use ropes  would be an easy answer but would require an acquisition of rope. To engage some form of flying machine was a logical response yet would be more wasteful than the others in regard with rocket fuel. And just stepping up like a normal fucking person would be an obvious solution but then it would require being normal, and fucking, and not fucking something fun but fucking normal. Boo. 

All these options sucked. Clearly.  

Then I had a brain wave! Literally, there were surfers riding it, plus radio DJs started to talk, and then micros flew out and made a slice of pizza warm yet limp and unsatisfactory. It hit me - I could step up but 'call' it 'levitation'. Then tell 'everyone' I levitated and boom I'd be a winner. 

Of course now I have another fight on my hands. A further insurmountable wall of difficulty looms. This one a metaphorical wall. And metaphorical walks are the strongest of all walls because you can't knock em down with dynamite. Possibly a sledge hammer, but those are heavy. I thought...

'How would I keep this deep dark secret about the truth behind my levitation a secret forever? I could build a network of spin mongers to twist any tails or exposure towards enlightening satisfaction? I could concoct an elaborate backstory so epic and revelatory that no one would even bother digging deeper into the front story? Or just not tell anyone like a normal person?' 

Meh, maybe being fucking normal wouldn't be so bad just once. 

Friday, February 20, 2015

The Best life plan – The Destruction of dismantling

Today was the best day of my life everybody, and I think that if I ever found myself to have accidentally taken over the world then I would then end up saying at least some of the following things:

-       Whoops.
-       Wait, this is the office the world is ruled from? Sorry I thought it was the linen closet.
-       No I don’t need linen.
-       It’s fine, you don’t have to go looking for the perfect linen for me. It’s not a lack of quality of the current linen options that has me saying that I don’t presently desire linen.
-       I was just on the tour you see, and I wandered off.
-       Where’s my tour guide? She can probably attest to the fact that I was on the tour.
-       No, no I don’t want her killed. Definitely not.
-       I nuked how many countries?
-       That really shouldn’t be possible by leaning on a button.
-       Oh, now that I am in charge I can change that if I want?
-       Well I don’t want to make too many changes right away, I am new at this.
-       Shucks. This is hard.
-       When did I start saying ‘shucks’?  
-       I don’t think I have ever said that out loud before. I’ve only had this job for ten minutes and it’s already starting to change me.
-       I don’t like it.
-       No no, I don’t want ‘time’ killed. Definitely not.
-       Why don’t we go ahead and say as a first order, I don’t want anyone or anything killed.
-       No, not because I want to do all the killing myself.
-       No, like I said, I just accidently leaned on that button.
-       Ah man, why’d you bring me all this linen? I said I didn’t need it.
-       No, no, no, seriously guys, he just brought me linen, I don’t want him killed for it. Definitely not.
-       This is hard.
-       Let’s say hypothetically, if I left the room, and someone else found himself or herself standing next to the Nuke button, would hypothetically they be likely to seize control too? Accidently or purposely? Hypothetically I mean.
-       Oh really.
-       Oh wow, I just realized that I need to go to the bathroom. Wow. The ol’ bladder sure is a complicated organ isn’t it?
-       This is the button, wink wink, the Nuke button, this here, wink wink, no one go near it while I’m gone wink wink, cause if you did people would think YOU are in charge, wink wink, and that would be a shame.
-       Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m all boxed in here, there is no path out, fuck me. I said do NOT bring me fucking linen.

I think the lesson is clear. It’s not worth being in charge of the whole world.

Unless you really like linen.