Today was the best day of my life everybody, and I think that if I ever found myself to have accidentally taken over the world then I would then end up saying at least some of the following things:
- Wait, this is the office the world is ruled from? Sorry I thought it was the linen closet.
- No I don’t need linen.
- It’s fine, you don’t have to go looking for the perfect linen for me. It’s not a lack of quality of the current linen options that has me saying that I don’t presently desire linen.
- I was just on the tour you see, and I wandered off.
- Where’s my tour guide? She can probably attest to the fact that I was on the tour.
- No, no I don’t want her killed. Definitely not.
- I nuked how many countries?
- That really shouldn’t be possible by leaning on a button.
- Oh, now that I am in charge I can change that if I want?
- Well I don’t want to make too many changes right away, I am new at this.
- Shucks. This is hard.
- When did I start saying ‘shucks’?
- I don’t think I have ever said that out loud before. I’ve only had this job for ten minutes and it’s already starting to change me.
- I don’t like it.
- No no, I don’t want ‘time’ killed. Definitely not.
- Why don’t we go ahead and say as a first order, I don’t want anyone or anything killed.
- No, not because I want to do all the killing myself.
- No, like I said, I just accidently leaned on that button.
- Ah man, why’d you bring me all this linen? I said I didn’t need it.
- No, no, no, seriously guys, he just brought me linen, I don’t want him killed for it. Definitely not.
- This is hard.
- Let’s say hypothetically, if I left the room, and someone else found himself or herself standing next to the Nuke button, would hypothetically they be likely to seize control too? Accidently or purposely? Hypothetically I mean.
- Oh really.
- Oh wow, I just realized that I need to go to the bathroom. Wow. The ol’ bladder sure is a complicated organ isn’t it?
- This is the button, wink wink, the Nuke button, this here, wink wink, no one go near it while I’m gone wink wink, cause if you did people would think YOU are in charge, wink wink, and that would be a shame.
- Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m all boxed in here, there is no path out, fuck me. I said do NOT bring me fucking linen.
I think the lesson is clear. It’s not worth being in charge of the whole world.
Unless you really like linen.