Sunday, March 27, 2011

The bubble, the lord and the mistress

Hey everyone, this is Dave, I am here in New York at the moment, having fun, I went to th……..



Hello, my name is Jeremy, and as you can see, I am a bubble. Ok, better start with some pleasantries, um, how about that weather everyone. Today I was floating around out in the sunshine and people are all like, ‘hey bubble, how about the weather man, blue skies and that’? And I’m like ‘yeah, blue skies, and that man’

Ok, that was the pleasantries, now onto business at hand:

FUCK YOU!!!!!!

Do you know what happens when us bubbles go up into the sky you assholes? The sky murders us! Cold blooded cruel ass murder. It just pops out fucking heads, have you ever wondered what having your head POPPED would feel like? Well imagine if all you had was a head! And of all things to murder it chooses bubbles! One of the few non-animal beings sent to earth with a life changing mission.

In case you haven’t heard Mother Nature sent us bubbles to earth with a singular clear and incontestable objective – to be nature’s wonder! To be beautiful yet fragile spheres that can morph and character shift yet always return to their usual shape, made out of a miniscule membrane of soap and water, or sometimes, and these are only our cousins mind you, saliva or occasionally a weird nostril snot bubble, and us proper soap and water dealies, we have a mission, to remind humans that no matter how much they invent things and figure out ways to exploit their resources in all sorts of wonderful and awful ways, they still have never invented anything as beautiful and pure as a bubble, and then just as their amazement is ready to reach a fever pitch we are instructed to have a kid slap us to death or defy gravity and float on back to heaven.

Now I know that’s not really a singular objective, or a clear one if I’m honest, and you can sure as hell contest it, but we can’t because that was a direct order from Mother Nature.

Yes the Mother Nature, God’s mistress, the very same woman who created the leaves that change color, the smell of fresh vanilla and who god uses for sexual relief seeing as his wife Mary keeps thinking God is just joking when he says ‘now its ok for you to lose your virginity’.

Typical day in heaven:

‘I just didn’t want Joseph to bang you baby, so I made up that whole virgin thing to keep you for myself, but now we’re up here together lets get those legs open’
‘I distinctly remember you telling me, that time you gave me gonorrhea and then appeared while I was trying to figure out what was wrong, and you we’re all like “check it out, I’m a burning bush!” and I thought that was actually kind of funny, and a relief because I was a virgin and it would have sucked to get gonorrhea without even getting laid, but you were all like “I’m just joking around with this burning bush deal, but you really do have to remain a virgin” so that’s what I am doing, remaining a virgin’
‘But that was me telling you then, and now it is the same me telling you its ok to make love to me, you are giving the definition of ‘remain’ too much strength, its just remain, you know, for a while, like up to a certain point, say remain this way until the 3rd of June’
‘But you didn’t say 3rd of June, or till heaven, or whatever, you just said ‘remain’ I am not going to betray you god, I swore I never would, not after you gave me little baby Jesus’
‘Yes, and don’t you understand what a sacrifice I made knocking you up without even getting my rocks off! You owe me a bang Mary, it’s time alright’
‘It’s not time until “remain” is over
‘Aaaaagghhhhhhh!!!! ……..Jesus Christ!!!........ Son, Son, I’m calling your name; get in here, when I call for you. Take your mother for a walk, I need the condo to myself for a moment, I need to make a phone call……….’
‘Ok Daddy-o’
‘Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Jesus Christ Fucking kids!’
‘Hey Jim, shit, seriously man, why did I have kids? It ALWAYS fucks the sex up!’
‘I told you god, just look at all the humans down there, the sex is always fucked up’
‘That’s why I said no sex before marriage and go forth and multiply, I was just trying to give married guys a chance, shit, anyway, so why I was calling was, so um, hey Jim, can you get Mother Nature on the phone for me?....... Actually just have her come on over, I have a special project I need her to work on’
‘Woah ho ho, god, my man, do I detect a wetland you want to explore, maybe a redwood forest you’d like her to erect!’
‘DON’T BE GROSS JIM! Remember who you are fucking talking to! Fuck me, I am fucking god and I can’t get laid without dealing with your shit and without fucking around on my wife, the least you can do is be a little discreet, its supposed to be heaven for me too Jim!’
‘Sorry god, sorry, just you know guy talk? Never mind, I’ll send her right over, I think she’s had a good rest since fucking up Japan by now, man did you really tell her you were going to leave Mary for her and then not go through with it? Shit she was really pissed off!’

Back to the bubble:

Don’t you see, sky, you wanker! These people are not people you mess with. Mother Nature is in a fragile state right now, you know that, and I know that!

What do you mean ‘what has that got to do with Bubbles’? How do you not know this stuff?

As you should have heard by now, Mother Nature came to our bubbles meeting this week, you know the Bubbles Union: Bubbles Believe Life Escalates Spectacularly – Or BU:BBLES for short. Well you know what she screamed at our leader while she was there?

‘You’re supposed to be a perfect example of nature’s ability to defy the odds and be miraculous you little shit, fucking straighten the fuck up, at least a quarter of you bubbles start ascending all the way fucking back up to heaven or I’ll make everyone of you wish you were a bubble of blood coming out of a stabbed lung!’

That’s a direct quote, this lady is pissed off and this is getting really serious Sky!
What do you mean ‘how serious?’

Since you clearly haven’t been reading your history books I’ll fill you in.

6,495, 455, 092 BC – An adolescent God asks Mother Nature to go to the prom, she doesn’t realize who he is so she says yes but won’t let him go further than an over the dress breast rub. Then she’s talking to her friend Stacey and hears her say ‘oh my god, I can’t believe you went to the prom with god, did you bang him, oh please let me know you banged him’
‘Wait, Stacey, do you mean my date, he said his name was Doug?’
‘Oh my god, are you stupid, have you never done a word scramble you’re supposed to mix the letters around and go u-god? And he says ‘yes, you cracked the code’, then you totally get to bang god! Please tell me you banged him anyway?’
‘I let him feel my boobs!’
‘Did he fondle your nipples?’
‘Well it was only over my dress’
‘Oh no, Mother Nature, seriously? I’m so sorry’
‘I did get his number?’
‘Well if that is his real number I’d be calling him and banging him as fast as possible, you know Mother Science is telling everyone she’s going to take his virginity don’t you?’
‘Oh no, not Mother Science, I fucking hate her, really are you sure?
‘She’s told everyone; apparently she’s already on the pill! Stupid science whore, she wants to bang God and instead of using the faith based science method she’s using Science, everyone wants you to bang him first Mother Nature, you’ve got to!’
‘Thanks Stacey, I’ll call him now, oh and by the way, how come we’re all ‘mother something’s’ and you’re just Stacey?’
‘(Bursting into tears) because I had an abortion and ruined by uterus, and now I can never BE a mother, stupid faith based withdrawal method!’

Despite Stacey soon being institutionalized for severe depression, Mother Nature did call God, and it turned out he wanted to bang her too, and so they banged, they banged a hell of a lot of times actually. Lots and lots of banging. You know like a playing the drums, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang, bang.

Shut up sky, I was just about to get to the point. Besides why do you keep interrupting me, I am trying to talk to humans right now!

Ok, so then one day, as God was finishing up his masterpiece, cheese, which he created on his big scrap hole failure pile that he called earth, Mother Nature decided to help him fix his big disaster. She decided to give dew a new order to look gorgeous over fields in the early morn. A task it took on with enthusiasm, regularly showing up all over the world, and sometimes even in New Zealand (ha ha, a little bit of geography humor there) But then disaster struck when a caveman used the footprints in the dew to follow a Tyrannosaurus Rex and steal his cheese, god’s masterpiece was supposed to be eaten by his favorite animal, not those weak little human things. (oh wait, that’s you people, um um um, I mean like closer to monkey versions of you, not like actually humans, phew saved it).

God was pissed off, and decided that he would wipe out his dinosaurs, if they weren’t going to enjoy cheese then what was the point. Mother Nature was devastated, she blamed herself and ran away, and god got blue balls so bad he decided to fuck humans over and make it so that time goes real fast when you’re having fun but real slow when you’re bored.

People on earth don’t know what’s going on up there, they just think it’s the fault of the new invention dew, and they have never forgiven it ‘Auugg, I left my shoes outside and now they’re all covered in dew’ you’ll hear them say.

You know how it goes sky? Those two are on and off all the time. When they’re on its great for everything and everyone, but then Mother Nature, for example, gives god Mirrored lakes next to mountain tops to thank him for bringing the clitoris idea he’d put on earth up to heaven too, but it turns out the lakes ripple from the smallest pebble ruining the glass like mirror reflection, and Mother Nature gets upset and ashamed again, and doesn’t put out, suddenly god’s pissed off at humans for throwing pebbles and makes it so the more delicious the food is the worst it is for human health, and then humans get so pissed off at Lakes that they don’t just throw rocks at them, but ‘skip’ rocks so they hit lakes multiple times with one rock!

Or like the time Mother Nature gave God the gift of shadows to thank him for being by her side, but then a million years later you humans built ridiculously huge buildings, with shadows that cast across cities and deserts, and at certain times they makes a shadow so long and phallic shaped that people for thousands of miles start randomly thinking about Penis. Once again Mother Nature is all embarrassed, and she doesn’t want to remind God of her latest failure by playing with his penis, God gets blue balls and makes it so sex gives humans diseases. And humans never forgave shadows, they’re all like ‘what’s hiding in the shadows?’ ‘And you’re a ‘shady’ character William’.

Well it’s happening again Sky. Since humans invented those tip that circle thing in the dipping trey and then blow on it and make thousands of bubbles, bubbles have become more and more prolific, and you better believe Mother Nature is noticing that her gift to God to make him feel better over that whole start of the Mormons issue, is starting to look really bad, and if she gets all ashamed again and stops giving it up to God there is no telling what God will do to the humans next!

What’s that got to do with you sky? You have no patience do you? Well just for the that I will tell you, but it will be….


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

How Scarlett seduced Sean

According to Star magazine 'Scarlett Johansson seduced Sean Penn'. Now I cannot confirm or deny this, but it sounds fucking ludicrous to me, so if its true I kind of think it probably went a little bit like this.

Scarlett Johansson - Hi Sean

Sean Penn - Oh my god, hi, Scarlett, Oh shit I just came in my pants

SJ - Ha Ha, how are you?

SP - Seriously shut the fuck up and leave me alone, my jeans are ruined and my boner is so fucking raging I think I am going to burst a blood vessel

SJ - You're so funny, what have you been up to?

SP - Are you not listening you idiot? Do you not know who I am?

SJ - Of course, one of the most respected actors of a generation, if we banged I might have some 'respect' in my vagina for once

SP - Seriously? Please stop that. For starters I am not just respected but I consider myself a genius of such high level that my actions can stop wars and natural disasters, but that's not what I meant, I mean do you know who I was married too?

SJ - Oh yeah Robin!

SP - Yes Robin Wright, a very talented actress and great person, but someone most known for playing 'Jenny', a girl who fucked a retard then died of AIDs, do you know what that does to your sex life?

SJ - Sorry, I zoned out, did you say sex? Have you seen how curvy I am, how heaving my breasts are and how raspy my voice is? Apparently these things make everyone want to have sex with me, I don't know if its true, but everyone I have ever met has wanted to have sex with me, good thing for them I usually let them!

SP - Seriously fuck you, don't say shit like that, (stay calm boner blood vessels, stay calm)

SJ - Fuck me? Oh you can if you want, you have Oscars, if I fuck you its like I have Oscars

SP - Do you hear yourself, I just confessed that my married sex life was marred by thoughts of retards and AIDs and you say that to me? Do you know how saturated with cum my pants are right now? (Oh my god, throbbing, throbbing, throbbing)

SJ - Ha Ha, you're so silly Sean, I like silly

SP - Stop it, fucking stop it. I am in my mid fifties, I am well known for being craggy, stand offish, rude, ungrateful, and I claim I spend everyday living in Haiti helping the poor, yet still manage to show up all sorts of places outside of Haiti, why are you even talking to me?

SJ - Were you really married?

SP - Seriously? More than once in fact. I hate fame, yet I once married the biggest fame whore of all time - Madonna, a woman who has a gap tooth so wide when she blew me my penis fit between her teeth like a dingy in the ocean, and someone who has forearm veins like a log cabin, have you never seen the tabloids? (Oh my god, why did I think of 'veins'?)

SJ - Whats a tabloid? Is that like a sex act you want to perform on me, cause you can if you want, in my mind it would give me so much career credibility

SP - My god, have some self respect girl, you could be with anyone on earth if you wanted to be, why even talk to an angry old man like me

SJ - Wait, you want to have angry sex? That's one of my 152 favorite types of sex

SP- No, I am trying to say I am a brilliant actor, seriously brilliant, I could play a bottle of coke in a movie about carpet fibers and they would give me Oscars and praise, and I would claim I hate acting and fame, and although I could quite easily give both up, having both makes it easier to pretend I actually care about humanitarian issues more than anything else, and plus money and fame are awesome, even though I pretend to hate them, its like people who are homeless are always saying, 'Sean Penn could give up money and fame and give it all to us, but instead he chooses money and fame, that's how I feel about being homeless, it sucks, but its better than the alternative, so god bless Sean Penn, he is so awesome its worth sleeping on the street for him to exist', yet still, as good as I am, and 'good' is the worlds biggest understatement, but I am brilliant, yet you could bang any guy on earth, (that's right Sean, let the truth ease your boner pain) why would you even consider banging me? (Oh shit, why did I say that, oh my god, don't burst penis vein, please don't burst!)

SJ - Did you say bang? I'd bang just about anyone! I know it sounds weird, but I literally could bang just about anyone on earth, and I am about to bang you, that clearly proves I would bang just about anyone

SP - You'd bang anyone? Aaaaaggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!

SJ - What was that?

SP - Auggh, oh nothing (oh my god my penis vein just burst, holy shit this hurts, cover cover) I was just asking, you'd bang anyone?

SJ - Sure Sean, ha ha, sure Sean, 'bang' that's like a Flintstones character, that sounds funny!

SP - (Holy shit, is she retarded? That's just like Jenny, oh my god, what do I do? Go for it Sean, go for it, just remember how brilliant you are!) So um, even though since we have talked I have dropped so much cum in my pants I am about to pass out from dehydration (oh shit that's smooth Sean, keep it up) I would fuck you so stupid, by which I mean how stupid looking are old man balls?

SJ - Oh my god Sean, you're dehydrated? Poor baby, lets fuck off to Mexico together, people who go there are always getting diarrhea, but if you're cummed out dehydrated I am sure that extra liquid will end up in your testicles instead!

SP - That may be the stupidest thing anyone has ever said, but my god, despite all the many, many, many, many reasons you could so easily do better than me, by apart from anything else, say, going to an NFL game, getting naked and putting a sign up above your head proclaiming 'stick anything inside me' and ending up with random penises, hotdogs and bags of popcorn shoved in you, all of which would be better lovers than me, if not more brilliant artists (no one is a more brilliant artist that me! I've been saying I hate this gig and I want to retire for years, and I haven't, clearly its because I know no one is better than me, remember Sean, remember) still, geez at least a hotdog doesn't have old man balls, despite all that, I am tempted (perfect 'tempted' saves you from rejection should it come, yeah right, as you could act out making love to her and it'd be better than any actual sex she's ever had - goooooo Pennnnnn!!!!)

SJ - Ha ha, popcorn, want to pop open my vagina?

SP - Ok fuck it, and by 'it' I mean 'you' lets piss off to Mexico and bang, but if anyone asks I was in Haiti ok?

SJ - Ha Ha 'asks' is that a sex act you want to perform on me, if you have Oscars you can perform any sex act on me you want

SP - You seriously may be the best invention ever, are you a robot?

SJ - Whats a robot, is that like your penis, oh my god stick your Oscar winning 'robot' in me now!

SP - By the way, have you ever heard of a guy named David Tieck?

SJ - No! Although he sounds like a jealous douche, I'd fuck just about anything but a jealous douche

SP - Me too Scarlett, me too....

SJ & SP - Ha ha ha, jealous douches, what rarely fucked losers!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Equality is all about equality

Snow is equal to a plasma tv, stick enough of either up your nose and you'll wish you were born in Africa

A happy birthday sign is = to a glass of water. Pull either out of your underpants and you wear way too big underpants

Making love to a Victorias Secret model is = to a bear licking your ear lobe. If no one else saw it, then it didn't happen

The missionary position is = to a shot of tequila. Give either to a 9yo and there is something wrong with your morals. Plus I'm here ladies!

A slam dunk is = a to bowl of chilli, you make either in a fish tank & PETA hates you

The whites of the eye are = to saying 'hello governor', both would be massively desirable if coming out of a victoria secret models vagina

A victoria secret model is = to murder; not worth the fantasy

Dave Tieck's mind is = a 49 inch penis, just be glad you have neither deep inside of you :)

Saturday, March 5, 2011

It takes a crazy person to understand a crazy person

I just walked around in a cold, windy, snowy and totally freezing Chicago for a couple of hours with nothing for warmth but a light hoodie. I know crazy!

On the bright side, having a nibble on crazy I've now gotten a taste for what Charlie Sheen is going through, and I can officially and exclusively reveal the following:

When Charlie says 'winning!' it's merely an abbreviated match up of 'weiner' and 'bleeding'. You'd be screaming and ranting too if you're herpes were that bad.

Tiger Woods stopped by his house just to gloat and say 'ha ha, I still fuck more whores than you'. So he bit Tiger's dick off. Frankly Tiger deserved it.

Now that he has 'Tiger Blood' on his fangs he realizes there are a lot of other whore loving dicks out there that deserve it as much as Tiger. He's going to work from oldest to youngest, watch out everyone from Warren Beatty down to Justin Beiber, for the love of god he's just trying to save you from herpes like his! Ouch.

His trim figure is the result of snorting cottage cheese every morning.

The girl who pays Rose on Two and a half men is from New Zealand, and there was just a huge earthquake in New Zealand, coincidence - probably!

He loves recreating his father's famous mirror punching scene from Apocalypse now, unfortunately women look like mirrors to him.

He thinks people who make lists like this so far after the crazy began are super cool and charming (aww thanks Charlie)

He thinks his replacement on Two and a half should be way different than him 'like a crazy long haired Australian with a name like David' he believes (wow Charlie you're making me blush, how dare people call you crazy).

His first addiction was staring off into the distance at the end of dilapidated piers. They have now been added to the list of 'gateway' drugs the DEA is keeping an eye on.

His cameo in Wall St 2 was by far the best part of that movie.

'Wow seriously' he just thought 'I was amazing on Two and a half men but even I'd prefer I was replaced by a long haired Aussie dude, I mean that's something we just haven't seen on TV!'

He once nearly went crazy after watching an episode of the Simpsons 'oh my god, can drawings talk?' he screamed at the time. When he found out his own drawings never talked he got mad then had sex with a porn star. After she said 'are you still mad baby' and he laughed and laughed.

Every time he hears the Fleetwood Mac lyric 'Thunder only happens when its raining' he can't help but yell BULLSHIT! Thunder happens without rain ALL THE TIME! Geez, and they call ME crazy!

'Oh my god' he just realized 'They could have Charlie die and at the will reading find out Charlie left the house to a never seen son he had after a fling with an Aussie tourist 25 years ago. The will states his son, David, we'll call him, is told he gets the house, the cars and money as long as he lets Alan and Jake stay for free. And although David and Charlie never met, it's clear that son took after daddy' he just thought 'that's genius, chuck chuck, all's forgiven if you make this happen'!

He's actually faking it, in reality he's thinking of running for public office and knows his old persona came off way too smart for that.

Wow it all makes perfect sense now!