I just walked around in a cold, windy, snowy and totally freezing Chicago for a couple of hours with nothing for warmth but a light hoodie. I know crazy!
On the bright side, having a nibble on crazy I've now gotten a taste for what Charlie Sheen is going through, and I can officially and exclusively reveal the following:
When Charlie says 'winning!' it's merely an abbreviated match up of 'weiner' and 'bleeding'. You'd be screaming and ranting too if you're herpes were that bad.
Tiger Woods stopped by his house just to gloat and say 'ha ha, I still fuck more whores than you'. So he bit Tiger's dick off. Frankly Tiger deserved it.
Now that he has 'Tiger Blood' on his fangs he realizes there are a lot of other whore loving dicks out there that deserve it as much as Tiger. He's going to work from oldest to youngest, watch out everyone from Warren Beatty down to Justin Beiber, for the love of god he's just trying to save you from herpes like his! Ouch.
His trim figure is the result of snorting cottage cheese every morning.
The girl who pays Rose on Two and a half men is from New Zealand, and there was just a huge earthquake in New Zealand, coincidence - probably!
He loves recreating his father's famous mirror punching scene from Apocalypse now, unfortunately women look like mirrors to him.
He thinks people who make lists like this so far after the crazy began are super cool and charming (aww thanks Charlie)
He thinks his replacement on Two and a half should be way different than him 'like a crazy long haired Australian with a name like David' he believes (wow Charlie you're making me blush, how dare people call you crazy).
His first addiction was staring off into the distance at the end of dilapidated piers. They have now been added to the list of 'gateway' drugs the DEA is keeping an eye on.
His cameo in Wall St 2 was by far the best part of that movie.
'Wow seriously' he just thought 'I was amazing on Two and a half men but even I'd prefer I was replaced by a long haired Aussie dude, I mean that's something we just haven't seen on TV!'
He once nearly went crazy after watching an episode of the Simpsons 'oh my god, can drawings talk?' he screamed at the time. When he found out his own drawings never talked he got mad then had sex with a porn star. After she said 'are you still mad baby' and he laughed and laughed.
Every time he hears the Fleetwood Mac lyric 'Thunder only happens when its raining' he can't help but yell BULLSHIT! Thunder happens without rain ALL THE TIME! Geez, and they call ME crazy!
'Oh my god' he just realized 'They could have Charlie die and at the will reading find out Charlie left the house to a never seen son he had after a fling with an Aussie tourist 25 years ago. The will states his son, David, we'll call him, is told he gets the house, the cars and money as long as he lets Alan and Jake stay for free. And although David and Charlie never met, it's clear that son took after daddy' he just thought 'that's genius, chuck chuck, all's forgiven if you make this happen'!
He's actually faking it, in reality he's thinking of running for public office and knows his old persona came off way too smart for that.
Wow it all makes perfect sense now!