Monday, March 30, 2020

Top eleven signs you should drop everything and take up opera


We’re all thinking it: “Life has changed for good now. And life is short. Or maybe it lasts forever. No one is really sure. Either way, this is a wake-up call, and when this is over I want to LIVE damn it. That’s right, I’m going to have FUN from now on, so maybe just maybe it’s time I finally dropped everything and took up Opera!”

Well here are the top eleven signs that YES, you SHOULD drop everything and take up Opera.

11.  A lost wildebeest recently tragically destroyed all of your clothes, except your opera clothes.
10. You like opera more than you like eating glass and you're currently eating glass.
9. You have a casserole in the oven and the instructions on the box say “Cook At 270 degrees until brown on top or until you’re officially an opera person” and you don’t LIKE your casseroles brown on top.
8. There’s a crystal ball on your nightstand with a clear image of opera inside. But you don’t remember ever BUYING a crystal ball. Or a nightstand!
7. Someone got you a “world’s best opera person” mug, and oh how you loath people who lie in mug form AND people who return gifts.
6. Every time one of your eyes pops out it rolls away and nestles itself in a pair of opera glasses.
5. You’re a 9th century Swedish Viking, living in 18th century Venice, and when you go to speak you inadvertently sing in beautiful Italian, so every time you try to ask people if they've seen your time machine they put on tuxedos and applaud you. 
4. It’s cold out, but the only warm scarf you own is currently stapled to Plácido Domingo.
3. It turns out that the reason your bathroom has been is so echoey lately is that you accidentally moved into the Casa de la Ópera Angelopolitana.
2. People often say 'if you weren't holding all those things you'd be great at opera'
1. The WiFi is out.


Ps. Horns are officially declared FUN! Try some today. You've been FUNNED! 




Saturday, March 28, 2020

The How To Have Fun From Home Files - Woooow itchy

We’ve all been there. You didn’t mean to, but you had a big night. It was Saturday night after all, or perhaps even a Tuesday night for the more crazy adventurous types among us (tee-hee). And you were feeling a little storm footed. A little glance hearted. A little lascivious even. A tad concupiscent. A smudge libidinous. Two parts haunch marked. And you think, “I know, I’ll go for a simple gentle walk and try to walk it off”. What could go wrong? You broke a leg once playing football as a kid, and when you told the coach “I’m hurt boss” he said “walk it off kid” and nothing went wrong after that. You’ve even recently stopped limping. What could wrong now?

So you’re on your walk. And you spot a bar. Well more like a tavern. Possibly even a watering hole. Well I think we all know what happens. You’re a little ganger jostled. You’re tiffingly lilliputian. You’re infinitesimally knot fugged. You think, “just one drink, what could go wrong?” after all you only ever drank one glass of Draino on a dare, and two fifths of your intestines were recovered and sewed back on. They were supposed to be sewed back “in” but i or o, who hasn’t made a mistake like that?

Anyway, we’ve all been there, we know the deal. 1 drink turns to 2. 2 drinks turns to 2.5 drinks. .5 of a drink goes on the floor cause you turned too fast with a full glass in your hand. You think, “what have I turned into?” It turns out it’s a hallway with a beer garden you didn’t know was back there. You walk out there. You realize behind the beer garden is a garden path. You pass out maps to your astonishment, but no one passes the mustard because you don’t have a hotdog. So you walk alone down the path.

You can all finish the next bit yourselves. You’ve all experienced it. Next thing you know you’re caught smack bang in the middle of an argument between a fox and a giant stonefish. The fox is upset because the giant stonefish has, according to the fox: “never ONCE offered to skim their pool for leaves which have escaped the branches of the trees in the adjacent Enchanted Forrest”

And the giant stonefish is like: “Wait a minute, are you fucking kidding me? That forest we’re adjacent to is the enchanted forest, THE Enchanted Forest? You knew that and you’ve never ONCE offered to take me for a walk through its magical shrubs, lumps and trunks?”

And the fox is like: “You don’t have fucking feet, you can’t go for a walk ANYWHERE”

And the giant stonefish is like: “I don’t have fucking hands either, and you want be to fucking skim the leaves off the pool dick!”

And we’ve all experienced it. You’re eek solvanted, you’re throbbing in the imbroglio, you’ve run out of interesting words you just found poking around a thesaurus and/or just made up and that you’re using despite you not knowing their real meanings, and no one else being likely to either, so fuck it, and you fucking HATE conflict, so rather than mediate, rather than peace broker, you just fucking skim the leaves off the pool yourself!

Now it’s the next morning. You don’t remember much of what happened after you picked up the pool skimmer. You feel regretful. Why is it always YOU who ends up skimming the pool? But you don’t recall much else. Perhaps the drinks took hold of your blood. Maybe your fugged up concupiscent imbroglio has taken over. But whatever it is, you look across your bed and it turns out… you… are… not…in… bed… alone!

Oh smack.

Now is when this normal every day evening we’ve all enjoyed, or at least experienced, takes a spin down the path of weirdness. You’ve stepped off the ledge of relatable to the hob tower and into the unknown my friends. Because it turns out, in your bed, your fucking bed, alongside you, practically INSIDE you, is something that wasn’t there last night – that’s right you have a big throbbing mosquito bite.

The horror.

But then you scratch the itch, and that feels pretty good. It’s fun even.
Well this is where things take a turn for the exciting. I am here to tell you – you do NOT have to have a mosquito bite to enjoy the fun of scratching. In fact there are many things you can scratch for fun that have absolutely nothing to do with itching at all. Consider this list of fun every day things you can scratch anytime you want completely free of the need to itch first:

- Scratch and win thingies
- Scratch and sniff stuffs
- Glass
- Sandy enclaves
- The cornea in your eyeball
- Small wounds that have started to heal
- Being married for seven years
- Dry flakey scalps.

That’s right the list is nearly endless!

So have fun scratching everyone and remember – “You’ve Been To The Fun Field Of Dreams Starring You, and Kev
Nope, still haven’t nailed the catch phrase. We’ll get there. Stay fun everyone! What could go wrong?


Thursday, March 26, 2020

Have an absolute ball with this!

Today was a fun day. Damn fun. Fun to the full extent of the law fun.  Fun high up in the ivory towers at the top end of the deepest part of the deep end fun.

Wanna know why?

Yeah you do.

Paper. That’s right. I said it. Paper. Yeah paper. Got that. Paper. Cause paper is FUN gone nag it! 

“How is paper fun?” I hear you ask. Well I’ll even tell you that. Because I’m a nice guy. And also because that’s the whole point of these little blogs I’ve started writing.

Here’s why: Because there are fun things you can DO with paper. Lot’s of them. Possibly as many as a full handful of things. Depending on the size of your hand. Your current hand grip strength. And your personal hand packing skills.

Consider these awesome and yet also fun things you can do with paper that you probably never considered before.

Doodling: Now I know what you’re thinking, “doodling… on… paper? But I have always doodled on walls, in fresh cement, on my skin, on drunk friend’s skin, on Academy awards that my friends leave lying around their homes, on the underbelly of those who exist in the underbelly of societies bellys, by the way, why underbelly? There is no overbelly. Or even upperbelly. Only underbelly. Just call it a belly and be done with it! Right?” And yes you ARE right. Damn right. The overbelly is a back, and no one lives on the “back” of society. So let’s stop all this belly shame. Plus also, yes, you can also doodle on paper! Wow. That’s fun.

It gets even more exciting: There is more than one thing you can doodle onto said paper. Possibly a whole foot full. If you could ball up your foot and had great ability to foot grip. Which now that I think about it, is a skill we should be all working on right now. Regardless of your ability to ball up your foot though, there are lots of things you can doodle. I reckon possibly as many as a dozen!

In fact I reckon if I tried really, really hard I could name as many as eight things you can doodle in just eight minutes. Here I go. Feel free to put the stopwatch on and time me as you read.

One… Um – umbrellas!

Two… Um Um. Hmmm. Underpants!

Three…Fuck, um. Umbrage!

Four... Underage axolotls!

Five…Undertakers that are taken for granted, but NEVER taken for ride when it comes to getting the best deal on their new car!

Six… Um. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

Ok I’m sure those of you timing at home noticed that I’m well over eight minutes, nearly nine depending on exactly when you hit the start button. But the point remains the same. If you want to use your paper to doodle, there are at least five now PROVEN different things you can doodle, and possibly as many as a dozen! See how many you can do!
Speaking of how many: Here’s a fun paper game - See how many paper cuts you can give yourself in an hour. Then... try and BREAK that record!
Speaking of cuts: Imagine just how nuts the first person was who saw a tree, and thought, “I could cut that down and make paper out of it”. A tree looks NOTHING like paper. But they were right.
Speaking of nuts: Yum. Plus full of protein!
Yep that’s right, there right there is a full balled up handful of things you can do with paper that you probably never thought of before. Have yourself some paper fun TODAY!



Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Get yourself armed, because here comes a fully loaded fun at home attack!

Today was a fun day. Why? I’ll tell you why damn it – Arms! And more specifically crossing arms.

Can crossing arms be fun? Hell Yeah it can.

Consider this: Most of the time your arms are NOT crossed. This means that once crossed you’ll have entered a unique and novel activity. And novels themselves are a form of entertainment, a good form of entertainment. So you’re in good company, and good company is one of the best ways to starve off loneliness – but so is starving of course, especially if you starve your way ALL THE WAY if you know what I mean?
Wow that just got dark. Must be because crossing your arms is a way of being defensive, and defense is the best form of attack, so we’re still winning the fuck out of this!

But it gets better. Consider also this: Some of the time your arms ARE crossed. That makes it a familiar and therefore comforting muscle memory – and memories are some of our best tools for recollection of good times! Times like eating your first blade of grass as a knock-kneed school boy or girl on the school yard or meter, and then chucking it up on your stable-kneed school desk and yelling “I’m a sick kitty, but now the grass is out, OUT you damn fool, and don’t you ever return, not until you’ve learned a thing or two, you got that. And it better be the RIGHT thing or two. Don’t you DARE come into my presence knowing a new thing or two if that thing and it’s friend aren’t PROFOUNDLY on point! You got that?” Yes sweet, sweet memories. And comfort is nice also. That’s all. And why should it be any more than that? Comfort speaks for itself. It doesn’t need to be defended, expanded upon, nor gazed backwards towards nostalgically. Comfort is strong. Stone walled. Rock faced. And plaster bellied. It needs not help, nor does it offer help. It is there. And that’s enough for it. And if you think different then get OUT you damn fool! I know the thing or two that YOU learned, and frankly we can do without it! Event the papier-mâché soul of comfort knows that!

Consider also this too: That’s right – Crossing Arms – officially declared FUN!

Woo hoo.

“You’ve been funned!”

Or maybe

“Take that, you’ve been fun attacked!”

Or “Fun At Home, it’s now in your loan sharks, um, fuck”.

Trust me, a brilliant, awesome, noteworthy yet insightful brand new badass catch phrase for these little truth explosions is COMING SOON!

Let’s hope at least.

Seeing as we’re hoping, why don’t we all just help it along by crossing our… ARMS!
Did you think I was going to say fingers? If so, wow. Seriously wow. What a world we live in. Think of all the things currently dangling off your shoulders than can be crossed, arms, fingers, it’s practically endless.

“Now you’re DEFINITELY in fun town!” (I’ll do better on catch phrases soon I swear).


Monday, March 23, 2020

The How To Have Fun From Home Files, And You Can Too!

Here at Fleeting Forever we’ve been dealing with the fleeting nature of forever for like forever, albeit fleetingly. It’s just what we do.

We hear about something that may affect our now, or our rest, and we jump on board swinging, dancing, and jiggin’ up a storm with the miscreants and the nut bag pokers of the day. That’s who we are, always have been, and always will be, unless we all die from some virus or something, ha ha, yeah right, I mean fall into a ravine and forget the code word that gets the ravine queen to appear and grant us the ability to float which we then take for granted while trying to float over a pool, before remembering we DIDN’T get granted anything and fall for to our deaths (why we chose an empty pool is any ones guess).

If you don’t believe that’s what we’ve always done, then take a look into our archives, they are immense and brilliant (just please only look at the ones which are good ones. Here’s a tip: if you poke in our archives and find something not good, you’re in the wrong archives fool, you need to go back to archival school!)

Well the fleetin’ and the foreverin’ has been challenged team. It just has. So we’re going full on again. We have to. Because it’s who we are. And also cause we ain’t got nothing better to do. And hope you ain’t got nothing better to do too which means you have time to read this crap. Cough. I mean genius. Smiley face.

So everyday, or so, depending on what else is distracting us, we’re gonna share something with you that you could be doing for fun.

So without further stupid nonsense that I haven’t edited out for god knows why, whether your normal existence has been ruined because of the thing OR the new thing that will probably hit over night, here is - today’s thing you could be doing for fun .

Drum roll …. … ….

Vacuuming!

Now I know what your thinking… “We already knew vacuuming was fun Dave. Of course we did. Vacuuming is rad. You get to suck up live spiders for fucks sake. Then you get to feel like god for a moment, a mighty god, a god who giveth and taketh life with the mere suck of a tube. Then you get to feel guilty for using your newfound might to immediately kill. Then you get to remember that spiders, while scary, do play an important part in the ecosystem, and by removing one, you are toying with the delicate balance of nature. Then you get to imagine its little spider family, little spider wife, cranky spider uncle, cute spider ten thousand eggs hatching any moment into cute little spider babies all though your favorite pair of pant’s crotch region. And THEN you get to pull your vacuum apart to find that fucking spider corpse so you can light it on fire in punishment for the ten thousand spider bites your nether crotch regions will soon get and/ or for making you do laundry! YOU BASTARD! So hell yeah vacuuming is fun. We knew that already Dave, you dick!”

And I agree with everything you thought there dear readers, but I’m here to tell you that there are even more great things about vacuuming than even that, things including but not limited to…

- Vacuuming up bugs that have less interesting and fulfilling social lives than spiders and therefore less wives or husbands, and less babies on your skin.
- Vacuuming up bugs with MORE interesting social lives, out of spite, bitterness, and jealousy.
- Vacuuming up things that aren’t bugs at all, like bug poop, bug carcasses, and bug shit. 
- Doing poops on bugs then vacuuming that up.
- Pooping on the Vacuum cleaner itself.
- Shitting on that poop.
- Pooh-poohing me for turning this into an avalanche of poo jokes.
- Pooh-Poohing me for greatly misusing the word “avalanche”
- Pooh-poohing me for saying “avalanche” was the word I misused, not “jokes”.





Yep Vacuuming is officially declared – FUN. Enjoy it while you can. And if you don’t agree, then go put on your favorite pants and take a nap, see I’m not spiteful.