Stand-up set at RnR - the intruder

Sometimes you're doing a perfectly normal comedy set and frankly KILLING, when an uninvited intruder comes on a spoils everything.

The top day of my existence opportunity – forgiveness spirited

 If you ask me brooms got a rough deal, a bad lot in life, I'd even go as far as to say the rough end of the stick, which normally is the end you want cause that sounds like it would be grippy, which means the smooth and sharpened end of the stick would be the other end, and if you get that end you've undoubtedly just been stabbed. Probably after weeks of being lost in the forest with your former best friend, until hunger pains and lack of clean water has driven you both to madness leading to you each trying to hunt each other with crudely made weapons, when really you should be using those skills to make grass skirts, catch a boar and holding a luau, and now that I think about it brooms got both end of the stick literally, but still, no one wants them unless there is dirt on the floor, and that’s sad.

Ok, sure if your friend has gone mad and is trying to hunt you, you can't just bung on a luau and hope he brings cake, or at least some sort of pineapple dish. That's just not realistic. This might sound a little old fashioned, but when a partnership is breaking down because one of the partners is trying to hunt the other, I think it's nice if the saner one, for now, also is the one that makes something with pineapple to go with the boar. Or if pineapple isn't available, say if the forest you're lost in is in the mountains or some other Arctic region, it'd be fine to go with mango or perhaps guava. It's not about your choice of tropical fruit it's about saying to your bloodlusting friend, sure stab me if you want, but my belly will ooze deliciousness, and also picking something that will pair well with whatever sort of dry rub you’ve whipped up for the hog.

In fact in all the movies I've seen where someone was shot or stabbed in their belly I don't think there has even been even the slightest discussion as to what may or may not have been IN that stomach. Well just because movies aren't concerned with realism, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be. Because a nice smelling wound can turn a mean spirited:

'Take that you bastard'

Quickly into a forgiveness spirited:

'Sorry mate'.

And isn’t this the type of world we want to live in? A world where it doesn’t matter which end of which stick you get, and whether it was sharpened well or poorly, whether you were the stabber or the stabbee, or even who’s turn it is to dig the pit to slow roast your swine in?

The point is it's never too late to turn things around, to do something nice, and to make today the best day of your life. I say start by vacuuming the floor, then saying 'there's no dirt here, but let’s grab the broom anyway, not to clean up, but to just chill out with the family, and know what it’s like to get any end of the stick it wants, oohh maybe it’ll bring a papaya smoothie!’

The best Day of my existence constitution – and in triumph we miss

A wise man once said:

'Nobody knows everything'.

Or in its full unedited uncut unabridged brilliance:

'How can you truly say that you know more about everything than any other person knows about anything or ever will know about something unless you're willing to accept that everything is nothing when compared to something that looks like nobody knows everything about nothing when taking into account where ships are built before they sail into the never know of mystery and opportunity before highlighting to foreverness of the something that was forgotten in the everything lost from anything, wait, um… what did you ask, oh yeah yeah yeah, I will take fresh pepper’.

The lesson is that people should edit down to not just a sound bite but to the core of the message:

‘No body cares where a ship is built, only where it sails’.

Oh fuck, I think I accidently actually stumbled onto some genuine wisdom. Whoops. I was just dicking around. Hmmm, maybe it’s cause:

‘Today was the best… etc of my life whatsy’.

Oh fuck, yet more wisdom. I better go to bed before I change the fucking world.

Oh fuck.

‘I better go to bed before I change the fucking world’.

Would be an awesome name for a novel. I guess I got to write that one too. I am a busy, busy boy. I’m just bloody happy that I know everything.