I was just in the most filthy disgustingly stinky public toilet in the world. True story. Fun times.
It is a toilet close to where I live in the car-park of a grocery store and I believe in a good year it still doesn't get cleaned. The grocery store has good fresh fruit though.
I knew this toilet was going to be epically gross before I even entered, as it always is, but I was busting and there was no other option other than a tree and you get fined for that, unless your a dog. Damn dogs, they get all the luck. The bad news, as I was soon to discover, was that another VIP guest behind the velvet rope of this toilet was clearly so disgusted that they would not sit to do their number two, and instead of going home they chose to attempt to projectile poo from a good foot from the bowl, and it turns out they are really bad at this activity. REALLY bad, I mean come on guy, practice on the ring attached to your garage for a while before you try and join the pros.
By the way violence is never the answer..... unless the question is 'What's the worst kind of diarrhea?'
The hot fudge on top of the sundae was actually on the floor though, ah the beautiful garnish of a fresh used condom.
So I think it's safe to say someone has just had the... BEST sex of their life.
It made me realize something a shower is the same as a murder weapon, find either after a 17 day hike in the rain-forest with an overly enthusiastic botanist and you’re going to use it.
Which all goes to say doesn’t anyone ever care that the outside of the condom doesn’t want AIDs either?
Showing posts with label condom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label condom. Show all posts
Friday, August 5, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Literally a slice to my balls
There was a story in the paper yesterday that some wonderful wonderful scientists may have invented a new perfectly workable male contraceptive pill. Hooray!
Fun facts about scientists:
- If chicks found them fascinating and totally bangable we'd have things like male pills and cures to STDs way faster.
- Some of them are really smart.
- Some of them once invented a machine that does stuff it's supposed to do, so that's really cool.
Now I for one am very excited about a possible male pill. Some people (women) think that men can't be trusted to take the pill but this is ignoring the reality that all men would swallow a small mule every morning if it meant three times in their life they could have sex without a condom. Especially if those three times did not result in children. But lets face it we'd swallow a pill out of a mules ass, even if it did nothing but allow us sex without a condom three times, you know as long as we could sneak a morning after pill into her drink the following mornings.
Fun facts about sex:
- For men, it's way way better without a condom.
- Way way better.
Here are some fun facts about me:
- I never want to have kids.
- I don't like it when strangers come up to me and say "you look like my cousin Bill, he's so smelly".
- I've spent lots of time thinking about letting a doctor slice open my scrotum with a scalpel and cut out something then use a needle to stitch my scrotum back up.
- I love cats.
- I've never had regular sex or anything close to it in my life so the slice my scrotum dealy seems excessive for now.
- I have a bit of cash and a tiny tiny bit of fame but plan to increase both substantially one day, only I panic that if I do some lady may purposely try to get pregnant to me. I also fear I will sleepwalk off my balcony, that I'll die in a car crash and that one day I'll be nicknamed Bill. I don't want to be nicknamed after a stinky dude.
So I still may do the slicey slicey one day. Soon even. The problem is, consider these fun facts about vasectomies:
- They really do cut open your scrotum with a scalpel.
- You're fucking awake when they do it.
- When you start researching this you inevitably get sent to the surprisingly ample catalogue of pictures of vasectomies gone horribly horribly wrong.
- This is far more terrifying than anything you have ever seen or ever will see in your life.
- They do it while you're awake, that's freaking madness!
So come on scientists, get this shit happening as fast as humanly possible. If you don't I'll totally make you eat a small mule, or worse, I'll nickname you bill!
Fun facts about scientists:
- If chicks found them fascinating and totally bangable we'd have things like male pills and cures to STDs way faster.
- Some of them are really smart.
- Some of them once invented a machine that does stuff it's supposed to do, so that's really cool.
Now I for one am very excited about a possible male pill. Some people (women) think that men can't be trusted to take the pill but this is ignoring the reality that all men would swallow a small mule every morning if it meant three times in their life they could have sex without a condom. Especially if those three times did not result in children. But lets face it we'd swallow a pill out of a mules ass, even if it did nothing but allow us sex without a condom three times, you know as long as we could sneak a morning after pill into her drink the following mornings.
Fun facts about sex:
- For men, it's way way better without a condom.
- Way way better.
Here are some fun facts about me:
- I never want to have kids.
- I don't like it when strangers come up to me and say "you look like my cousin Bill, he's so smelly".
- I've spent lots of time thinking about letting a doctor slice open my scrotum with a scalpel and cut out something then use a needle to stitch my scrotum back up.
- I love cats.
- I've never had regular sex or anything close to it in my life so the slice my scrotum dealy seems excessive for now.
- I have a bit of cash and a tiny tiny bit of fame but plan to increase both substantially one day, only I panic that if I do some lady may purposely try to get pregnant to me. I also fear I will sleepwalk off my balcony, that I'll die in a car crash and that one day I'll be nicknamed Bill. I don't want to be nicknamed after a stinky dude.
So I still may do the slicey slicey one day. Soon even. The problem is, consider these fun facts about vasectomies:
- They really do cut open your scrotum with a scalpel.
- You're fucking awake when they do it.
- When you start researching this you inevitably get sent to the surprisingly ample catalogue of pictures of vasectomies gone horribly horribly wrong.
- This is far more terrifying than anything you have ever seen or ever will see in your life.
- They do it while you're awake, that's freaking madness!
So come on scientists, get this shit happening as fast as humanly possible. If you don't I'll totally make you eat a small mule, or worse, I'll nickname you bill!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
What a terrible waste of money
People are always talking about their purchased products and saying things like ‘I paid good money for that’. That is a mistake.
It seems clear that in these troublesome times everyone has become too fearful to spend their evil money.
Next thing you know you have a wallet full horded evil money and with a complete lack of good money left to maintain law and order anarchy breaks out.
Gangs start, they begin to rumble, true story - I once saw an evil five dollar note stab a sixteen year old (which is a wise old man in the bill world) merely for a recently looted bushel of bananas. I mean what’s a five-dollar note even going to do with bananas, everyone knows money mostly eats multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt and/or relationships.
Next thing you know the evil money riots in your wallet get out of hand and the most awful thing imaginable happens. A small yet unnoticeable hole gets cut in the condom you keep in there. Three years later when you finally make sweet love to a girl you don’t find that attractive and/or don’t enjoy her personality but you figure it’s less depressing than throwing out yet another condom because it’s use-by-date is up and that little hole creates a big problem for you.
That’s right the miracle of pregnancy kicks you in the balls like a building wrecking ball dealy, by which I mean a big huge heavy ball of metal right in your testicles, by which I mean not so much the miracle of pregnancy but the biggest nightmare on earth of pregnancy.
So you tell her that you want to take her on a romantic date and when you get to the abortion centre the doctor says ‘sorry, this is an abortion clinic, where we take nightmares and flush them down the toilet so that everything is ok, we don’t accept “evil” money for something so pure and wonderful and in all reality morally wrong but sometimes it’s ok to set aside morals if you both agree never to tell anyone and assume God is busy today, so you can take your fucking evil money and stick it up your ass you scumhole!!!!!’
On your kids fifth birthday you have to tell him that the only reason you can afford such a nice bike for him is because you horded evil money and it saved him from being aborted and that tells him that evil money is why I am alive and starts chasing it forever.
It’s a messed up system people!
So I say spend some of that evil money today, and save some of your good money for a rainy day, just think you may need that one day to buy a twenty a multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt sandwich.
It may save him from stabbing a wise old lady one day. Isn’t that worth it?
It seems clear that in these troublesome times everyone has become too fearful to spend their evil money.
Next thing you know you have a wallet full horded evil money and with a complete lack of good money left to maintain law and order anarchy breaks out.
Gangs start, they begin to rumble, true story - I once saw an evil five dollar note stab a sixteen year old (which is a wise old man in the bill world) merely for a recently looted bushel of bananas. I mean what’s a five-dollar note even going to do with bananas, everyone knows money mostly eats multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt and/or relationships.
Next thing you know the evil money riots in your wallet get out of hand and the most awful thing imaginable happens. A small yet unnoticeable hole gets cut in the condom you keep in there. Three years later when you finally make sweet love to a girl you don’t find that attractive and/or don’t enjoy her personality but you figure it’s less depressing than throwing out yet another condom because it’s use-by-date is up and that little hole creates a big problem for you.
That’s right the miracle of pregnancy kicks you in the balls like a building wrecking ball dealy, by which I mean a big huge heavy ball of metal right in your testicles, by which I mean not so much the miracle of pregnancy but the biggest nightmare on earth of pregnancy.
So you tell her that you want to take her on a romantic date and when you get to the abortion centre the doctor says ‘sorry, this is an abortion clinic, where we take nightmares and flush them down the toilet so that everything is ok, we don’t accept “evil” money for something so pure and wonderful and in all reality morally wrong but sometimes it’s ok to set aside morals if you both agree never to tell anyone and assume God is busy today, so you can take your fucking evil money and stick it up your ass you scumhole!!!!!’
On your kids fifth birthday you have to tell him that the only reason you can afford such a nice bike for him is because you horded evil money and it saved him from being aborted and that tells him that evil money is why I am alive and starts chasing it forever.
It’s a messed up system people!
So I say spend some of that evil money today, and save some of your good money for a rainy day, just think you may need that one day to buy a twenty a multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt sandwich.
It may save him from stabbing a wise old lady one day. Isn’t that worth it?
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