Saturday, October 29, 2016

Thirty Five - Peaks of Gruff

I was resting on my laurels when the activity began. 'My laurels' being my name for my regular 'I've earned it, morning Bloody Mary', 'resting' being what I call 'sipping', 'Bloody Mary' being what I call a tall glass of iced water, and 'iced water' being what I call 'virgin snow blended with goat memories'. So I was a tad out of breath by the time it began, out of breath from climbing the mountain to get the virgin snow, and from following a goat around for a while so I'd know the type of things it would typically remember. But even if I hadn't made these minor sacrifices for a delicious refreshing beverage, my breath still would have been taken away, this time by amazing things. 

The procession of amazing events began at the crack of dawn, which amazingly I heard at the exact same time as I smacked my head on the full sized replica Icelandic Viking ship I had built by hand and had hanging upside down next to the kitchen. Hearing that crack of dawn was awful, it felt like being sledge hammered in the head, no wonder being a morning person is considered one of the most stupid things you can be called, and yet conversely I didn't feel the head smacking at all, which makes me wonder why head butting upside down Icelandic Viking ships isn't a popular high-school after school hobby? 

Consider this important yet significant list of major events that were amazing and major and also majorly amazing that took place before the manager even bothered to show up and for some reason incorrectly credit God with the glory that awaited him, seriously BIG events that would be sure to be talked about for eons, eons including the eon we're presently in NOW: 

- A truck came down the back alley.

- Two men got out.

- They were wearing overalls.

- They stole the garbage.

- This made me sad for magic, which normally is what makes garbage miraculously disappear while we're asleep.

- Which made me realize that magic must not be real anymore.

- Which made me both happy and sad. Happy because I've never liked magic. Sad because I've never liked magic, and I feel like that means I've missed out on a good part of life, possibly even a magical part of life.

Yep, all those amazing things really happened. But NOW, with magic seemingly eradicated from the world, the amazing things ended, and the day began to take a slow almost monotonous turn for a while. Although stuff still happened, most of it just not amazing.
Like a squirrel, a fox, a wallaby, a wildebeest, a robot red panda that was disguised as a Belgium waffle, and a mouse came by. But not at the same time obviously. I mean, but imagine if they did, ha ha, that would be awesome! If you can't imagine it then at least imagine imagining it. See how cool it would be, a wallaby and a mouse in the same place at the same time! They don't even speak the same language, their conversation would be really awkward! Ha ha, we could laugh and everything. 

Oh and the scientistic community came by, they were up in arms due to pandemonium the artificial whale had created, and when the arms came down, the scientists were still up, this time in inquisitiveness, which was something no scientist had ever felt before, leading to much discussion, theorizing, posturing, theory testing, postulating, sitting in chairs with bad posture, back pain, ultimately acupuncture, and hilarious chats on what it would be like if instead of acupuncture the particular acupuncturist they were seeing instead needled people with tomes of the anti-Christ, discussion on why exactly the scientists laughing thought that was funny, given that anti-Christ and acupuncture are vastly different things that share almost nothing in common, except that regular-Christ was nailed to wood, which is sort of like EXTREME acupuncture if you think about it, thinking being what scientists love to do, which lead to much theorizing on the nature of thought, which lead to endless possibilities, programmable hopes, mission statements, prophesizing, profiting and even several pregnancies, before someone finally pointed out that 'indecisiveness' was the thing that scientists had never felt before, not 'inquisitiveness,' they experience inquisitiveness all the time, especially at make your own taco parties, hard or soft shell, which one will Dr. Shnazberg pick this time??? 

Oh yeah, and with the scientists gone, embarrassed by their silly error, and slinking into the night, where by 'night' they meant 'morning', although if the scientists had THEIR way, they'd be one and the same, next to come by, obviously, were the modern-day-dandies, a sub-culture group who's motto is 'why do people think we like dandelions, we DON'T, got it??' As usual they were hiding in the long dark shadows cast by the scientists long white coats. After overhearing that a new night was being postulated. Night being what they adore, 'can't grow dandelions at night, can ya?' You'll hear them regularly scream, often following it up with 'and we DON'T like dandelions, got it? Why do people think we do?' Unfortunately, upon hearing that once again this proposed new night was merely just a proposal, they set their minds to creating crazed revengeful chaos, as is often the modus operandi of their attention seeking agenda, and as such they were determined to have artificial whale declared an endangered bird to be called a Fruit Numbed Burgundy Kingfisher, and they were right, as a bird it was very rare, and super shit at flying. I personally took six artificial whales to the roof and hurled them off, and only one of them managed to fly all the way to the other side of the carpark, and even then it less 'flew' and more 'bounced'. That is bounced off the guy screaming 'ah man, why's there blubber all over my suit, I'm so fucking sick of people throwing fucking whales off buildings Willy Nilly, can't we just, as a fucking courtesy, at least send out a Facebook invite for this shit, so I can put on hazmat suit and enjoy watching that blubber fly, fucking dicks!' Luckily I was able to call in a favor at my old work and have this new bird's existence officially denied, and for a second time in the same day I was able to eradicate all world wide whaling. I'm a true hero of the people.

Soon after that an alien ship landed, but it turns out aliens aren't beings at all, but are merely beams of light, so I was able to stop the alien invasion with a mirror, probably saving all humans from death, or possible even having to look into said light for a moment and then have that annoying thing where everywhere you look there's like a flash of light in your vision for a few seconds. Suck on that aliens.

While I had the mirror out I decided to look in the mirror for the first time in years, but a freakish monster looked back upon me, with all sorts of unexplained weird wounds all over it, as it turns out that the aliens had been able to use their alien powers to change mirrors to make us look ugly, so if you've looked in the mirror recently and not liked what you saw, don't worry it was just the aliens, you look fine, possible even swell, and by discovering this I have now been able to cure all worldwide displeasure at ones appearance.

And that's when the mundane portion of the day reached its conclusion, and right then the manager stuck his head in the door, 'oh my god' he exhaled and when he said that, it meant BIG stuff, stuff that was happening NOW! 

To be ended, completely, and shortly*
*And by shortly I mean possibly really soon, and/ or in due course*

*Speaking of courses during the day a shark was hanging around shaking in its boots at the fear that with worldwide whaling eradicated sharks would be next, eventually I told him 'I don't have time to eradicate sharks, you selfish dick'. Plus maybe you should worry about the fact, that as a shark, wearing boots is impractical and may slow your swimming speeds down! He took my advice and has since become a shark Olympics gold medalist in obstacle courses AND equestrian! 

*By the way, what does willy nilly even mean, people shouldn't just throw these terms out randomly without providing a dictionary, dicks! 

*And by people I don't mean goats, but trust me, goats think about people a LOT, and those memories are freaking delicious. 

Monday, October 24, 2016

Thirty Four - Don't forget to breathe back in

'Oh my god' exhaled the manager as he walked in.

If I didn't ALREADY know I had succeeded, NOW I certainly did, however I DID already know I had succeeded, and in a BIG way, and where by 'succeeded' I meant in the area of 'success', the forgotten area. I mean how often are you at the mall looking at the map for an area to hide a jar of air sourced from a different mall just to blow peoples minds, only to find 'success area' isn't even listed on said map? Weekly? Twice weekly? Well it's not there because you have to create your OWN success area! That's some wise words of ancient Chinese wisdom from me to you! And it's great advice for the following reasons:

- It's wise.
- I came up with it.
- It doesn't even MENTION scandal riddled bouquets of roses.
- But if it HAD have mentioned scandal riddled bouquets of roses, they would have been scandals that would make the soot on a chimney sweep spray all over the roof and walls with the extreme force of swiftness that can only come from the hairs all over his body standing up like trees in a place where trees grow really, really straight, and grow really, really fast, and this scandal would have been riddled, riddled like the home of said chimney sweep who clearly sweeps naked, based on how much soot sprays off him when he hears about epic scandals, and in this case riddled with young maidens desperate to be the one who gets to scrub the rest of the soot off his naked body.
- Because there is nothing young maidens love more than a dirty mind.
- And seeing as few men have those, a dirty body is a perfect replacement, perfect in the perfection stakes!
- And whenever you get advice that hints at straight trees I say build a tree house in them as soon as possible!
- Plus I ONLY come up with advice that IS wise.
- And I did come up with this advice.
- As I mentioned above.
- Above like where trees try to reach, that's right, we're already places trees only DREAM of reaching!

It had taken many hours, far too many to count, possibly even as many as three, but I had managed to get the place more than ready for an all Icelandic grand re-opening at dawn. And by the time the manager came in and said 'oh my god' this grand re-opening had already happened that morning, and you better believe it had been an instant triumph.

Sure the restaurant didn't typically open until dinner, (due to the twenty four hour darkness, and bitter cold, and lack of food options that taste even barely palatable, that's the only meal they eat in Iceland) so they had no customers, but it didn't stop lots of people coming by, and activity happening hard, and this activity was BIG news, and it happened NOW, in this case where by NOW, I mean NOW in the before sense, before the manger came in obviously, but it was activity at affected things NOW, this time NOW being the actually NOW!

*Said activity to be revealed shortly*

*Speaking of things that are short in the opposite sense, while you're in your treehouse, lay off eating too many bugs, some of those are down to the last few million of their species, I'm out there eradicating the eradication of species, you could at least do your part you dicks.

*Also if you're going to go around malls blowing minds, bring a towel please, when you make a mess* of someone else's property they sometimes call you a 'dick' and NO ONE ever wants to be called that!

*Speaking of messy things, the next part includes sharks, 'oh my god' I hear your exhale, well buckle in, the next part is going to include so many 'oh my gods' that God him/her/itself may well say 'that's my cue' and when god says something THAT profound you know the world will notice!