Sunday, March 27, 2011

The bubble, the lord and the mistress

Hey everyone, this is Dave, I am here in New York at the moment, having fun, I went to th……..



Hello, my name is Jeremy, and as you can see, I am a bubble. Ok, better start with some pleasantries, um, how about that weather everyone. Today I was floating around out in the sunshine and people are all like, ‘hey bubble, how about the weather man, blue skies and that’? And I’m like ‘yeah, blue skies, and that man’

Ok, that was the pleasantries, now onto business at hand:

FUCK YOU!!!!!!

Do you know what happens when us bubbles go up into the sky you assholes? The sky murders us! Cold blooded cruel ass murder. It just pops out fucking heads, have you ever wondered what having your head POPPED would feel like? Well imagine if all you had was a head! And of all things to murder it chooses bubbles! One of the few non-animal beings sent to earth with a life changing mission.

In case you haven’t heard Mother Nature sent us bubbles to earth with a singular clear and incontestable objective – to be nature’s wonder! To be beautiful yet fragile spheres that can morph and character shift yet always return to their usual shape, made out of a miniscule membrane of soap and water, or sometimes, and these are only our cousins mind you, saliva or occasionally a weird nostril snot bubble, and us proper soap and water dealies, we have a mission, to remind humans that no matter how much they invent things and figure out ways to exploit their resources in all sorts of wonderful and awful ways, they still have never invented anything as beautiful and pure as a bubble, and then just as their amazement is ready to reach a fever pitch we are instructed to have a kid slap us to death or defy gravity and float on back to heaven.

Now I know that’s not really a singular objective, or a clear one if I’m honest, and you can sure as hell contest it, but we can’t because that was a direct order from Mother Nature.

Yes the Mother Nature, God’s mistress, the very same woman who created the leaves that change color, the smell of fresh vanilla and who god uses for sexual relief seeing as his wife Mary keeps thinking God is just joking when he says ‘now its ok for you to lose your virginity’.

Typical day in heaven:

‘I just didn’t want Joseph to bang you baby, so I made up that whole virgin thing to keep you for myself, but now we’re up here together lets get those legs open’
‘I distinctly remember you telling me, that time you gave me gonorrhea and then appeared while I was trying to figure out what was wrong, and you we’re all like “check it out, I’m a burning bush!” and I thought that was actually kind of funny, and a relief because I was a virgin and it would have sucked to get gonorrhea without even getting laid, but you were all like “I’m just joking around with this burning bush deal, but you really do have to remain a virgin” so that’s what I am doing, remaining a virgin’
‘But that was me telling you then, and now it is the same me telling you its ok to make love to me, you are giving the definition of ‘remain’ too much strength, its just remain, you know, for a while, like up to a certain point, say remain this way until the 3rd of June’
‘But you didn’t say 3rd of June, or till heaven, or whatever, you just said ‘remain’ I am not going to betray you god, I swore I never would, not after you gave me little baby Jesus’
‘Yes, and don’t you understand what a sacrifice I made knocking you up without even getting my rocks off! You owe me a bang Mary, it’s time alright’
‘It’s not time until “remain” is over
‘Aaaaagghhhhhhh!!!! ……..Jesus Christ!!!........ Son, Son, I’m calling your name; get in here, when I call for you. Take your mother for a walk, I need the condo to myself for a moment, I need to make a phone call……….’
‘Ok Daddy-o’
‘Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Jesus Christ Fucking kids!’
‘Hey Jim, shit, seriously man, why did I have kids? It ALWAYS fucks the sex up!’
‘I told you god, just look at all the humans down there, the sex is always fucked up’
‘That’s why I said no sex before marriage and go forth and multiply, I was just trying to give married guys a chance, shit, anyway, so why I was calling was, so um, hey Jim, can you get Mother Nature on the phone for me?....... Actually just have her come on over, I have a special project I need her to work on’
‘Woah ho ho, god, my man, do I detect a wetland you want to explore, maybe a redwood forest you’d like her to erect!’
‘DON’T BE GROSS JIM! Remember who you are fucking talking to! Fuck me, I am fucking god and I can’t get laid without dealing with your shit and without fucking around on my wife, the least you can do is be a little discreet, its supposed to be heaven for me too Jim!’
‘Sorry god, sorry, just you know guy talk? Never mind, I’ll send her right over, I think she’s had a good rest since fucking up Japan by now, man did you really tell her you were going to leave Mary for her and then not go through with it? Shit she was really pissed off!’

Back to the bubble:

Don’t you see, sky, you wanker! These people are not people you mess with. Mother Nature is in a fragile state right now, you know that, and I know that!

What do you mean ‘what has that got to do with Bubbles’? How do you not know this stuff?

As you should have heard by now, Mother Nature came to our bubbles meeting this week, you know the Bubbles Union: Bubbles Believe Life Escalates Spectacularly – Or BU:BBLES for short. Well you know what she screamed at our leader while she was there?

‘You’re supposed to be a perfect example of nature’s ability to defy the odds and be miraculous you little shit, fucking straighten the fuck up, at least a quarter of you bubbles start ascending all the way fucking back up to heaven or I’ll make everyone of you wish you were a bubble of blood coming out of a stabbed lung!’

That’s a direct quote, this lady is pissed off and this is getting really serious Sky!
What do you mean ‘how serious?’

Since you clearly haven’t been reading your history books I’ll fill you in.

6,495, 455, 092 BC – An adolescent God asks Mother Nature to go to the prom, she doesn’t realize who he is so she says yes but won’t let him go further than an over the dress breast rub. Then she’s talking to her friend Stacey and hears her say ‘oh my god, I can’t believe you went to the prom with god, did you bang him, oh please let me know you banged him’
‘Wait, Stacey, do you mean my date, he said his name was Doug?’
‘Oh my god, are you stupid, have you never done a word scramble you’re supposed to mix the letters around and go u-god? And he says ‘yes, you cracked the code’, then you totally get to bang god! Please tell me you banged him anyway?’
‘I let him feel my boobs!’
‘Did he fondle your nipples?’
‘Well it was only over my dress’
‘Oh no, Mother Nature, seriously? I’m so sorry’
‘I did get his number?’
‘Well if that is his real number I’d be calling him and banging him as fast as possible, you know Mother Science is telling everyone she’s going to take his virginity don’t you?’
‘Oh no, not Mother Science, I fucking hate her, really are you sure?
‘She’s told everyone; apparently she’s already on the pill! Stupid science whore, she wants to bang God and instead of using the faith based science method she’s using Science, everyone wants you to bang him first Mother Nature, you’ve got to!’
‘Thanks Stacey, I’ll call him now, oh and by the way, how come we’re all ‘mother something’s’ and you’re just Stacey?’
‘(Bursting into tears) because I had an abortion and ruined by uterus, and now I can never BE a mother, stupid faith based withdrawal method!’

Despite Stacey soon being institutionalized for severe depression, Mother Nature did call God, and it turned out he wanted to bang her too, and so they banged, they banged a hell of a lot of times actually. Lots and lots of banging. You know like a playing the drums, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang, bang.

Shut up sky, I was just about to get to the point. Besides why do you keep interrupting me, I am trying to talk to humans right now!

Ok, so then one day, as God was finishing up his masterpiece, cheese, which he created on his big scrap hole failure pile that he called earth, Mother Nature decided to help him fix his big disaster. She decided to give dew a new order to look gorgeous over fields in the early morn. A task it took on with enthusiasm, regularly showing up all over the world, and sometimes even in New Zealand (ha ha, a little bit of geography humor there) But then disaster struck when a caveman used the footprints in the dew to follow a Tyrannosaurus Rex and steal his cheese, god’s masterpiece was supposed to be eaten by his favorite animal, not those weak little human things. (oh wait, that’s you people, um um um, I mean like closer to monkey versions of you, not like actually humans, phew saved it).

God was pissed off, and decided that he would wipe out his dinosaurs, if they weren’t going to enjoy cheese then what was the point. Mother Nature was devastated, she blamed herself and ran away, and god got blue balls so bad he decided to fuck humans over and make it so that time goes real fast when you’re having fun but real slow when you’re bored.

People on earth don’t know what’s going on up there, they just think it’s the fault of the new invention dew, and they have never forgiven it ‘Auugg, I left my shoes outside and now they’re all covered in dew’ you’ll hear them say.

You know how it goes sky? Those two are on and off all the time. When they’re on its great for everything and everyone, but then Mother Nature, for example, gives god Mirrored lakes next to mountain tops to thank him for bringing the clitoris idea he’d put on earth up to heaven too, but it turns out the lakes ripple from the smallest pebble ruining the glass like mirror reflection, and Mother Nature gets upset and ashamed again, and doesn’t put out, suddenly god’s pissed off at humans for throwing pebbles and makes it so the more delicious the food is the worst it is for human health, and then humans get so pissed off at Lakes that they don’t just throw rocks at them, but ‘skip’ rocks so they hit lakes multiple times with one rock!

Or like the time Mother Nature gave God the gift of shadows to thank him for being by her side, but then a million years later you humans built ridiculously huge buildings, with shadows that cast across cities and deserts, and at certain times they makes a shadow so long and phallic shaped that people for thousands of miles start randomly thinking about Penis. Once again Mother Nature is all embarrassed, and she doesn’t want to remind God of her latest failure by playing with his penis, God gets blue balls and makes it so sex gives humans diseases. And humans never forgave shadows, they’re all like ‘what’s hiding in the shadows?’ ‘And you’re a ‘shady’ character William’.

Well it’s happening again Sky. Since humans invented those tip that circle thing in the dipping trey and then blow on it and make thousands of bubbles, bubbles have become more and more prolific, and you better believe Mother Nature is noticing that her gift to God to make him feel better over that whole start of the Mormons issue, is starting to look really bad, and if she gets all ashamed again and stops giving it up to God there is no telling what God will do to the humans next!

What’s that got to do with you sky? You have no patience do you? Well just for the that I will tell you, but it will be….


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