Nine - Accidental Fingering Not On

I took off the elephant tusks I was wearing as shoes, then I took off the stop sign that I was wearing as elephant tusks, then I took off the shoes I was wearing as a stop sign, and put the stop sign where the shoes had been, the elephant tusks where the stop sign had been, and the shoes where the elephant tusks had been, and then I realized I was wearing something in the place EVERYONE wears it, the stop sign, which was lame, and something I would NEVER stand for, so I flipped the tusks and the sign, took a quick look in the mirror, and then ran and booted the waiter hard in the kneecaps.

Now I counted how many condiments were on my table, and counted how many condiments were on the adjacent table and then went and booted the waiter in the kneecap six times for the six condiments I was shy. I mean he knew that just moments before I'd kicked them all off to make more space to briefly rest my elephant tusks, but he hadn't replaced them! What dick. 

Next I replaced all the tampons in the vending machine in the ladies bathroom with messages from the crips. (See how easy replacing things is!)

Then I purposely falsely fingered a fellow diner for fingering food in the salad bar, demanded free finger food as compensation, and then laughed in his foolish face while I ate it with my feet while screaming 'NO ONE tells me what is and what is not finger food, you dicks!!!'

Then I started a new fashion trend, which was easy, I just saw a guy across the room who'd replaced his teeth with chop-sticks, which made them WAY easier to use, and I did that, so starting that trend. 

After this I cursed myself for throwing out all the tampons, I had a lot of blood coming out of my face and without tampons the only thing I had to wipe it on was the table cloth of the family at the adjacent table, when they complained I yelled 'obviously I threw all my tampons out you dicks' and that made them smile and giggle almost as if they were nervous, I guess some people find happiness hard to take with its fleeting nature and all, but I was happy I'd made them happy, sometimes just telling people the truth makes people happy. I vowed to remember that, but instead remembered to buy super glue for the next time I replaced my teeth with chop-sticks, which was foolish because by the time I'd make it to the hardware store I was sure I'd have switched to sticking hamster skeletons in there, that's just how fashion works. 

Next I approached someone with a fork stuck in their leg and yelled 'well this ones done, huh huh? Get it? Cause like the saying "stick a fork in him, he's done"' Unfortunately stupid Kev hadn't followed my earlier instructions, so I had to instead jam a fork into a stranger to make it work, but I still got my desired and expected outcome, I discovered that not a single person in the restaurant had a sense of humor, seriously not one laugh. People sure are sad these days. Must be the fleeting nature of happiness again. If people want to focus on something fleeting I don't know why people don't instead focus on the fleeting nature of steam? Steam is fleeting, but it's also FLAWLESSLY good! It's literally impossible to come up with a bad use for steam.

Next I began to viciously scold a pretend infant under my table, yelling stuff like 'I told you in the car if you hide under the table you won't get to eat', and 'that'll be six days in a row with zero food if you don't come out' and 'emancipation does not go with all your burns!' and 'don't make me steam you again', and other fun things, and then when a fellow diner came to 'check on her' and looked under the table I'd accuse him of kidnapping her. 

It was only when I finished the last of this list of things that I assume we all always do in a restaurant immediately after ordering our food to make the wait less tedious, I mean they make it so tedious, right? If they're not going to provide entertainment then we'll do it. But that's when a memory hit me, and it hit me NOW, and it hit me BIG!

I remembered what I was supposed to be doing, getting BIG retribution from the waiter for having a dig at me, and it had to happen NOW, and the retribution had to be BIG, and I'd already kicked him in the kneecaps, so that couldn't be it, that's just one of our regular things I do, I needed a new plan, and I had to think of it NOW, and it had to be BIG. 

I looked up at him, trying to spot a weakness,  and what I saw changed everything, and also changed this specific thing, and this specific thing is definitely part of everything, and it changed it BIG and the repercussions were going to affect me NOW! 

To be followed with more*

*Followed like how idiots follow fashion, even though it's just as easy to start all new trends yourself, idiots. Here's some fashion tips for you from me, so YOU don't end up looking like an idiot - walrus tusks make great elephant tusk alternatives, and are often easier to pull off said animals head (for some reason elephants don't like you tugging on them till them come out, so selfish). No Parking signs make awful stop sign alternatives (why would anyone have been thinking of parking on your head?). And pretty much anything but shoes make great shoes, one time I tried saber tooth tiger tusks I stole from the museum as shoes. You'd never guess how excited people were, all sorts of authority figures chased me just to see them in action, it was very exciting!



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