Saturday, February 20, 2016

Ten - Piercing Insight

I'm a very perceptive guy. 

Like when I find a severed foot on a golf course I can usually tell within three or four minutes if it came off me.

I don't need to put salt on my fries because I'm smart enough to boil them in sea water. 

If I have erectile dysfunction I just dip it in it hard drying hair gel.

I can solve any math problem merely by adding in the element of a ghost monkey and then declaring the whole thing implausible. 

I always cook blind folded so that EVERY ingredient is a secret sauce, I'm so good that I can even make something a simple as finely sliced carrots taste like a really, really bloody steak. 

I've never had my house robbed because I've put so many locks on it even I can't get inside anymore. 

Whenever I'm riding my bike I make SURE to crash into a wall because I believe that if you don't help your helmet to fulfill its destiny, then why would it ever help you fulfill yours? 

When it's raining I don't need to use an umbrella because I just pretend I'm swimming and that I'm very, very bad at it. 

I'll never be the victim of an unsolved murder because I have a clause in my will that says 'if I was murdered just look for the dick!'

I've managed to go my entire life without spending a cent on dishcloths saving truckloads, anytime I need to do the dishes I merely stay a night in a fancy hotel, pack all my dishes, and wash them in the bathroom sink using a face cloth. 

I once pretended I didn't know what 'horticulture' was for an entire day without a single person calling me out on it.

So yep, clearly I'm a perceptive guy, I'm a VERY perceptive guy, and as I looked at the waiter now my perceptions were telling me that if I was being perceptive right now there'd be a benefit to perceiving everything perceptible in this situation, unfortunately I couldn't concentrate on my perceptions right now, because the waiter was distracting me by yelling at me. That dick. 

'You're a hero!' He was yelling 'your six beautifully timed kicks to my kneecap has fixed my decades long kneecap displacement, thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I can walk without pain again! I'll be able to play with my kids again! I can finally visit my mother who is bed ridden on the third floor of a hospital, I thought I wouldn't get to see her ever again, it was the hardest most heart breaking thing of my life! But I can walk again, I can WALK again! This is real, my life can matter again, my life has changed, because of you!! This man, EVERYONE applaud this man. I can never repay you. But here, here's my car keys, have my car, I'm WALKING home tonight!' He was yelling.

I mean what a dick, who just yells like that, plus 'this man' I have a name dick. And does this car come with my insurance, and a parking spot? Where am I supposed to put it? Plus it was SEVEN kicks, was he ignoring the hot sauce? Because I sure as hell wasn't. Plus I wasn't trying to fix him, I was trying just getting through the wait for my food the same way everyone does. Worst of all though his noise was completely blocking out my perception skills, and so I instead was forced to rely on my wits. 

Fortunately my wits were flying, and I used them to know EXACTLY what the waiter was trying to say with his speech, he was trying to say 'I'm hard to get a read on'. And I knew exactly WHY he was saying what he was saying, to say to me 'seriously, I'm hard to read'. And after some serious pondering I knew EXACTLY what this meant for me - that this man was going to be hard to read. 

I had a number of options of what I could do next. 

- Pretend I still had access to my skills of perception but then use my flying wits to get through this. 
- Pretend I couldn't see or hear him, and give focus on the many important things that were already important to me, like making sure Kev didn't notice that I didn't find what I promised would be in the cloakroom, making sure the whole restaurant didn't think I was an idiot for indicating that I thought you could eat the menu itself, and getting retribution against the waiter, all of which needed me to do something BIG and do it NOW! 
- Pretend I was a BIGGER man than him and pretend to accept his apology. 
- Pretend I was a ghost monkey. 

Obviously this was a BIG decision, and  when it's OBVIOUS that the decision you have to make is BIG, then there is only one time you can make it, NOW! 

To be answered*

*well obviously there was an obvious choice, and seeing as this was obviously BIG, I CHOSE the obvious choice, and pretended to be a ghost monkey, but THEN what happened is still to come* 

*Which is another way of saying 'to be continued*

*I hope I haven't used that one yet. 

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