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Breaking news: Tragedy struck earlier today, in striking fashion during a break from picketing by three striking Fashion Industry Strokers, down in the Strap region of the fashion district on Distract Street, as a microwave in the break room was turned off just as Simon, a corn kernel, was finally ready to pop.

Simon's lack of popping was particularly tragic due to several important facts:

- He was the last kernel left to pop in the whole bag, meaning his exploding would have led to the first burn-free and yet completely popped bag of microwave popcorn, a feat that surely would have led to 'Jonathan' the bags popper, and planned consumer, to unleash powerful words of astonishment, that I am lead to believe would have gone - 'wow, sweet'.
- Jonathon dearly needed a 'wow, sweet'. His life was very savory (ha ha. Wait that’s the opposite of sweet right? Or is it sour? It doesn’t matter; let’s stick with ha ha!) at the moment, and it was just jokes as lame as that, that were holding him from true umami. Ha ha. Umami.
- That's one of the flavor profiles right? 
- Is profile the right word? 
- How come the savory vs sweet question was reduced to mere parentheses when these questions get to exist as their own points?
- What the hell is a ‘fashion industry stroker’?
- And are they hiring?
- Also Simon had been a hero!
- He had been ready to pop way earlier but had seen some prepubescent corn kernels struggling, and made the selfless decision to make sure they popped safely before he would go. 
- Not that they said thank you.
- Having popped and all.
- I wonder what it feels like to ‘pop’?
- I bet it would feel swell!
- When I was in Japan I found a snack that was a full bag of half popped popcorn, and MAN it was good.
- Yum.
- PLUS texturally pleasurable.
- See, I know textures, someone hire me down on Distract Street Please; if those lazy bums want to strike then I’ll HAPPILY take their jobs!
- Unless the job is all stroking models bums.
- Those bums can be striking, making it a struggle to stand rudeness in traffic, I mean pick a lane dick!

Once again, tragedy on Distract Street as Simon, a corn kernel, failed to pop.

Simon was survived by no one.

And he was attempted to be eaten anyway.

Then half his face got stuck between two of Jonathan’s teeth requiring him to be flossed out.

A floss advocate was heard exclaiming ‘wow, sweet’.

So I guess this was a happy story in the end.

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