Monday, December 28, 2015
Shining a light
The year was about 1983, when 1983 first began to fester in its mother's gestation hole, and around 1983, 1983 decided it had had enough of gestation hole life and was birth canaled into the world, only to land in a squishy pile of post disco and pre-new-wave gunk.
These were dark times that it had landed in. Dark I tells ya. Dark.
I mean lights hadn't even been discovered yet, so at night we mostly just burned incense and reminisced about times when it wasn't totally lame to light incense.
So it was dark.
Skin cancer hadn't been invented yet, so we were all so tanned that our entire bodies were one big large constantly morphing almost black mole.
Black was still the original black, which confused us, because 'original' tended to be the worst flavor of bubble-gum, which was often pink, which was the color of seventy percent of tongues, so were we supposed to lick the gum?
The times, super dark they were.
Sliced bread hadn't yet taken off, so we mostly ate Nutella between two slices of vegemite.
Dark I'm telling you.
The most fun activity ever invented till now was interpreting a dog, but because of some mysterious stickiness in our mouths, we'd pronounce b's as d's and go around 'darking' at old ladies till they gave us lollies, which were themselves sticky!
These were dark times I'm letting you know.
Kendall Jenner wasn't even born yet, and several rappers had already banged her.
The biggest movie of the year was Return Of The Jedi, which was a good movie and all, but we were all like 'seriously, a sequel is the BIGGEST movie? That's pathetic, this will be the only year in history this will ever happen, and we'll all be laughed at!' And we were.
The band INXS were still called 'In Excess (although we wish there was a shorter way of spelling that)' and they were total liars, I mean they had yet to all get a blow job by the same groupie at the same time while in a hot air balloon, that was floating over a secret pancake restaurant causing them all to shriek 'I'm getting a short stack, no no no I'M getting a short stack!', pathetic, it's FAR more 'in excess' to get a LONG stack!
There'd only been three or four billion deaths in the history of the world, so we were on a first name basis with all our ghosts, but they were always whining about their lives - 'during the depression I had to eat a shoe' they'd say - ok I fucking get it, WE don't have McDonalds breakfast yet, it's tough for everyone!
My god dark.
Movie theaters held a monopoly on No Exit signs, so we all burned to death every time we went putt putt golfing, but we still played every week because the charcoal chicken their was excellent.
The trendiest hair style was a rats tail, and just like today having one guaranteed you'd get laid constantly, but we were just children so this cost us LOTS of uncles.
Was it dark? Yes.
The hot new product on he market was Blue Tack, but at the time it was mostly marketed as a foodstuff, so we all had Duran Duran posters stuck to the inside of our intestines.
But among all this darkeness was hope, and that hope was a little annual tradition that had recently been founded by some gays, 'gay' still being a word meaning joyful and happy, so don't fucking get up me for using that word dicks, and that ray of hope was Christmas.
But 1983s Christmas was about to be so dark that it made its regular darkness seem like fresh virgin snow, and this darkness was going to lead to hypothetical blood shed, which looks great on fresh virgin snow, but on the other hand is hard to see in darkness, meaning you risk slipping on it, which could be gross, especially seeing as we all wore nothing but white clothes with plans to die them fluorescent Orange the moment it was first imagined.
Yep, my brother convinced me to put a skateboard on MY Xmas list but then give it to him. And I did it.
1983 was dark I tell ya.
But its dead now so who cares?
Well I do!
Yep, With 2015 about to come to a close, and everyone looking back over this year, I think it's nice to think back at some other years that have come over the years, many of which themselves are no longer with us, and today it was 1983.
So thanks 1983. Give me back my skateboard dick!