It's the end of the year everybody, and you know what that means?
That’s right, severe depression about failing to achieve what you hoped to in the past year. I mean our relationships with our friends, family members, lovers and even our regular and favorite soda fountain jerks are all in shambles. Professionally we all went hardcore backwards. And emotionally our tear buckets have overflown so much the carpet is completely ruined. It’s been rough.
Well maybe that’s not all true for all of us, but I have not heard a single person say out loud that they are completely happy with their local soda fountain jerk this year, NOT ONE PERSON, so it is very clear that depression is hitting us all. And that’s sad. And sadness just exasperates the problem.
But the end of the year is not JUST time for wallowing in misery, no of course not, it is also time for lazy ass Newspaper and Magazine Journalists, Television Presenters, Radio Hosts, Podcasters, Bloggers, Soap Box Monologists, Royal Shakespeare Theatre Curators, Bar Fly Social Commentators, Interpretive Dance Chorographers, and the rest, to ignore even the suggestion of delving into their imagination in an attempt to conjure up some new content, and to instead merely say ‘fuck it, let’s just whack together some form of BEST OF 2015 list’.
And here at Fleeting Forever we are no exception. Having said that, ONLY here at Fleeting Forever, will you find not merely a list of the best say films of the year, or the best recipes, but instead the list of the 'BEST' Best Of Lists of the year! That’s right, our research department has scavenged through every element of entertainment, explored every single best of 2015 list, then dissected them, dismembered them, disfigured them, and debated them critically, till we have come up with a definitive (if now slightly maimed) list, so without further adieu, here is….
The Top Ten Best ‘BEST OF 2015’ best of lists:
10. Worst Come Back Magazine for their list of ‘Top Five Worst 1920s Actual Mobster Reanimations and/or Clones’!
This list was was beautifully crafted from top to bottom, however we felt that it was their positioning of Tony 'The Bologna' Disteppo as their number one, not given haphazardly, but justified with wonderfully defended meadow like freshness, with all new insight into The Bologna’s modern malaise being caused by an immense pressure to live up to the fearful reputation of his original carnation, while still trying to be healthy and happy in a modern world far more ready to accept and embrace the dainty side of his demeanor. Wonderful work guys.
9. The ‘Helmet Or Hat’ Show, on CNN, for their ‘Top Ten Times We Got It RIGHT Episode’!
We found this list both gutsy and refreshing. For a show that mostly attracts an audience keen to witness disastrous head injuries from times the product tested turned out to be a hat when a helmet would have been better, or fashion failures when parties were attended in what turned out to be a helmet, to then dedicate an entire show to things like people being smacked in the head with golf clubs and NOT sustain brain damage was just cool.
8. Bread and Spread Magazine, who are making this list for a record breaking third time, this time for their ‘Top Six Spreads for 2015 Breads’!
Let’s face it, who didn't race to the local church and light a candle in thanks for our prayers being answered when they saw that Countypool Dreamsted Home Crafted Orange, Lime and Cranberry Sweet Marmalade was finally RETURNED to the top spot after a brutal two years in the wilderness of second place? Helped of course by the beautiful prevalence that the ‘Deck Chair and Bread Affairs’ had on both our social lives and spread consumption this year. Great work as always bread and spread folk,
7. The Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper and Cardboard Radio Hour for their ‘Top 6 Insults We Received This Year About How Many Times We Have Paper In Our Title’ list.
Ha Ha, everyone receives overwhelming piles of hatred online these days, but only The Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper and Cardboard Radio Hour manages to inspire such revolting and abhorrence riddled gems from their top 6 as:
- ‘Why “paper” 6 times, wouldn’t 5 have the same impact’?
- ‘Paper is made from trees right? Who the hell saw a tree and thought “I’ll make something thin and white out of THAT!” wow, I’d never have thought that’. And
- ‘You guys are pathetic piles of shit that have been eaten by giraffes, then vomited into a pile of walrus cum, you fucking retards! Although I do enjoy your discernments into envelopes’.
6. The Dictionary for ranking all thirty eight million words in the modern English language in order, and discovering that in what is surely a mathematical marvel that must have blown the minds of statisticians and actuaries everywhere, the order tuned out to be EXACTLY the same as alphabetical.
5. Benjamin Cohler, Head Barfly Social Commentator at Salut and Grill, and his list of ‘Ways First World Nations Proved This Year That More Could Be Could Done To Help The Developing World Without The Need To Ask More From Taxpayers’.
We found this list to be smart, well researched, flawlessly justified from top to bottom, and exquisitely socially aware, heart enriching, hope enhancing, and all around positivity exploding. And yet his number one still managed to surprise us all – a steaming pile of beer and peanut puke. We’re not developmental economists here, so we’ll leave it to the experts to decipher exactly the message, but we are humans here, and we thank Ben for his list.
4. Photoshop.com for their annual 'Did We Do It, or Was is it a Hack Plastic Surgeon?' list.
Regular readers of OUR list will know that the boys and girls down an photoshop can’t seem to keep off this list, but this is their HIGHEST positing on this list. So we congratulate them for that. But we also want to say a warm ‘hooray’ for innovation, for maintaining a delightful regular feature of their website, but also adding a new and beloved section dedicated to the work of people who merely ‘claimed’ they were plastic surgeons. Sometimes you see a picture that makes you laugh so hard that you cough up a section of spleen. THIS list made us here cough up so much spleen that we had to amend our intern’s contacts to include the clause ‘required to give spleen to boss’.
3. The ASS Blog for their ‘Biggest ass of the Year’ blog!
We all expect certain things from the ass blog – class, respect, revolution, modern thinking, pictures of asses, originality and a level of sophistication that most ass based blogs can’t dare poke a hole in. But this year they out innovated even the best innovators in history, when they chose their best ass of the year, and didn’t just show a photo, but copy and pasted it onto the head of a donkey for some weird reason! Wow. Why? Who knows? That’s why it’s genius.
2. Toe Touching Battles - The Reality Show for naming 'Even he didn’t think that his hamstring was about to feel sore’ as their number one episode of a pretty epic year!
Who would have thought upon first viewing that 'Is that REALLY as deep as you can stretch, I bet you could get another tiny bit if you tried' could have been beaten? No one, that's who. Let alone the truly marvelous 'Two contestants were found that could touch their toes on the SAME week, wow, but which two’? Which was simply awe-inspiring TV. Seriously, fuck me, if you've got a brain then get the box set, brilliant stuff.
1. The Vienna Institute of Interpretive Dance, for crafting the ONLY best of list of the year this year that mentioned paper. Great work dancers, and CONGRATULATIONS!
Special mentions this year go out to:
The Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper and Cardboard Radio Hour and their ‘Top Eight Emails We’ve Received From Listeners Who Obviously Mistakenly And Quite Stupidly Thought That WE Were ‘The Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper and Cardboard Radio Hour” Ha ha, Morons’ list. We particularly liked their number three entry – ‘wow, you guys sure must like paper’.
Roger Hundersmith, chief Barfly Social Commentator at the Onion and The Peal, for his list of ‘Reasons why that prick Sean, who comes in most Thursdays, is a total prick!’
SkyNews for their ‘Top Ten Stories Of The Year’, for the first time in their history having their number one story NOT be a really sad story, and instead have it be a really, really sad story.
Michelle Waters Soapbox Monologist in Washington Square Park, and her list of ‘Top Things I Put In My Soapbox This Year Other Than Soap’, which we liked in particular for number 6 – bodywash. Which opened her up to endless ‘that’s just another type of soap you idiot’ comments, but she bravely pushed ahead with it regardless, choosing to find strength in her belief that in her personal opinion and belief that bodywash is in fact ‘kind of soap, but not really’.
It’s been another breathtaking year in best of lists everybody. We hope that this list of the best of best of lists has challenged you, motivated you, and opened up much lively debate in your household, or pretty much any response that distracts you from just how god damn disappointed you are in how little you’ve accomplished this year.
And just before we sign out, a quick reminder that, just like you, your favorite local soda fountain jerk had a truly appalling lack of achievements this year, so hey, tomorrow, as you head down to the store for your morning soda fountain beverage freshly jerked just the way you like it, how about instead doing as you’re planning, and spitting in his face, why not give him a break, and maybe just spit on his shirt.
Happy New Year Everyone.