Saturday, December 26, 2015
Doug always wanted to placate an angry coat hanger.
It had been a life long dream.
Ever since he was a child.
Unfortunately for him all the coat hangers he knew were calm, relaxed and extraordinarily swift to forgive both big and small slights against them.
Over several decades of meeting as many coat hangers as possible, from the classic metal wire, to the fancy felts and fine woods, and never once finding one that had been angry, he decided it was time to take things into his own hands.
And MAKE a coat hanger angry.
He spent months studying them, trying to spot their weaknesses, their flaws, their soft underbellies, and when he finally was sure he'd isolated their most tender vulnerabilities, he implemented an all out insult attack, with relentless strikes blowing out as viciously as he could spray them, yelling all sorts of vile, devastating and masterly crafted charges at the coat hangers, such as:
- 'Nice shape, ha ha, they didn't have any square bodies available?'
- 'I bet if you had a dick it'd be thin, cause ALL of you is thin!'
- What did you go as at Halloween last year, Captain Hook!'
- 'You're still in the closet, that's SO 1983'.
- 'You're everyone's least favorite method of abortion!'
- 'I didn't even PAY for you! You came free with my returned dry cleaning. I mean sure you were probably factored into the cost, but if I'd said that I didn't want you I wouldn't get the value of you off my bill, so sure, I'll take ya!' - And most vicious of all
- 'The odd item in my wardrobe doesn't even look better on you than me!'
Yet the replies came in just as relentlessly, but calm, cheerful and even full of praise, replies such as:
- 'Ha ha good one'
- 'zing, you got me'
- 'I sure did!'
- 'And I rock a keyboard tie!'
- 'Free is the fastest way to freedom!'
- 'It's all good bro, I'm pro-choice' and most gleeful of all
- 'Aww, don't be like that, I know a guy holding a baby pink tuxedo that you'd look swell in!'
It was painfully infuriating.
And I'm sad to say that eventually he gave up, and just said out loud 'coat hangers are perfect, unflappable, and unable to control, and really, given that, and adding on my life long dream, well this means THEY control ME!'
Said out-loud to the cop that spotted him when he was using a coat hanger named Johnny to jimmy open a strangers car that is.
The cop let him off too.
You see, he knew ALL about disagreeable, manipulative and controlling coat hangers.
'1992 Super bowl motherfucker' he muttered as he ripped up the incident report and walked away 'my fucking ass a coat hanger can be used as television aerial, that screen was occasionally unfocused, UNFOCUSED for fucks sake!!!!'