Friday, December 25, 2015

Finally time for some genius

I heard someone on the train today say 'If I was the richest person alive then sure, I'd have bought TWO bmx bikes for my grandmother for Christmas, but I'm only about the forty second richest person alive, so the old lady only gets one alright? I don't even know why you think she would want two anyway, she barely even uses the wheelchair we got her last year, she's always complaining that it's too hard to get into ever since that last botched spinal relocation, plus there are no good jumps anywhere near that home we locked her in, so that's it, one bmx bike only'. 

Now I know what your thinking - 'did she say 'IF' she were the richest person alive? Um, if she wanted to be the richest person alive she just would be, it's pretty easy, no one just dreams of it and doesn't achieve it'.

And I know, right? 

(Please hold for a moment) Oh ok, I'm being handed a note saying that some of you wouldn't find it easy to be the richest person alive, and may even find this slightly hard, to even medium hard, to achieve, so I guess I'll let you know how to achieve that really easily, finally some time for some genius:

Open a petting zoo with a 'you touched it you bought it' policy. 


Being the richest person alive guaranteed within weeks. 

There are literally zero obstacles in this plan. ZERO. Except for possibly the following:

- Some person will probably then come along and write a book called 'so you bought a baby goat, you weren't planning on it, but you've done it'. 
- And they'll start selling them outside of petting zoos. 
- And they'll discover sales are at their most outside of petting zoos, with a 'you touched it you bought it' policy. 
- Which will probably only be yours, because not many people actually read my genius suggestions. 
- And in some counties books sell for MORE than baby goats, so if you want to remain the richest person alive you may have to move your petting zoo to a different county.
- Which may be easier than you thought, if you'd forgotten to specify that the 'if you touch it you bought it' rule only applies to the animals, and you've ended up accidentally selling your fences too. 
- But it may be harder also if you've forgotten to specify that the 'if you touch it you bought it' rule only applies to the animals, because you may have inadvertently sold all your staff, whom would be valuable in a moving situation.
- Or as scape goats, if you've happened to have forgotten to specify that the 'if you touch it you bought it' rule only applies to the animals, and you've accidentally sold off a few strangers' kids.
- Then again, if you've sold your fences you'll probably have numerous escaped goats, and now you're looking for scape goats? Um, your going to need big pieces of paper to make sure the language on those flyers is substantial enough to be clear.
- And so you're probably going to need to hire a 'what's the difference between a scape goat and an escaped goat' expert. A specify that the 'if you touch it you bought it' rule only applies to the animals' specifier. And a 'did you bring that kid, cause if you didn't, they are NOT for sale, at least from us, you can talk to its parents directly though if you'd like' specialist. And that's three salaries that will come out of your most money of anyone alive!
- Where as the baby goat wholesaler that you get your baby goats from, only has one salary to pay, to his 'no no no, down, I know we're a baby goat wholesaler, but ain't no baby goats having sex here, it turns out the best baby goats strangely enough come from ADULT goats. So weird. So hoofs off each other got it!' Wrangler. And you'll be buying LOTS of baby goats, so this guy could well challenge you for the richest person alive.
- Someone else will come along along and write a book called 'bought a baby goat?' Which is a simpler title than the last one, so will steal that market, and will cost less ink to produce, and then THEY'LL become the richest person alive. 
- You'd have to buy some poor old lady you don't even know TWO bmx bikes, and when you decide to take one for a spin before you hand it over you'll discover NO good jumps near her home.
- You'll have to work at a petting zoo, and they sometimes smell bad. 
- No one will ever go to a petting zoo that only has baby goats, regardless
of your 'if you touch it you bought it' policy. 
- So you'll probably end up with just a bunch of baby goats to take care of, which will be horrible! 
- Basically buying baby goats would be bloody stupid stupid. 

So there you have it. It's EASY to be the richest person alive, with ZERO obstacles. In the mean time, if you run into the forty second richest person alive on the train this week, can you tell her off for me, she talks WAY too loud, and I need to relax, I've got a spinal relocation operation soon, and I've heard botched ones suck. 

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