Thursday, May 17, 2012

Exclusive: How the entire world is in danger!

 This is a matter of critical importance, the entire world and all of its peoples and animals is at immediate risk!

Ok, so often times when I go to use a public toilet I discover that the previous occupier has left the toilet un-flushed, and YET, when I go to use the flush it works fine!

Clearly this means that in the time between the previous user and myself the flush mechanism has SELF-REPAIRED itself! (If this wasn’t such a serious blog I might even say ‘self-repairs itself silly).

But this IS a serious blog because sometimes this remarkable ability to self-repair can be performed in seconds! Yes, sometimes a man will exit the toilet cubicle just as I am about to enter, and in the mere time it has taken for us to switch places the flush mechanism looks, acts and performs as if it was never even injured, let alone not working at all!

Some important questions must be asked here:

Self-repair? What on earth has the ability to self-repair? And

Why doesn't my home toilet ever self-repair when broken?

The alarming answers are:

Living things! That's what. And

Clearly your home toilets are different from public ones!

That's right, based on this irrefutable evidence public toilets are obviously living things!

And worse, seeing as no such animal on earth has anything like these toilets hard porcelain mouths, thirst for water, rapid healing speeds or ability to mimic common household toilets they must be alien!


These aren’t your normal run of the mill aliens that become, say, computer stealing crack addicts, these aliens are highly intelligent, able to infiltrate public bathrooms around the world, and manipulate building managers into thinking they have ordered and installed regular toilets.

That's not all, these aliens have managed to tap into the human psyche allowing the cynical among us to contemplate the existence of fellow humans who are so lazy and disgusting that they think their fellow man should have to look and smell their urine and feces!

'Fuck you aliens! I would NEVER think my fellow man could be that lazy and disgusting!' is what we should all be screaming. But sadly I think some people actually believe such lazy disgusting humans may exist. Well open your eyes people.

Consider this - sometimes you will find a toilet seat covered in urine - clear PROOF that the previous user of the toilet found the toilet seat locked into the down position. Obviously. Only thing is that when you test this out the toilet seat now lifts easily! Obviously this is an amazingly remarkable alien skill in itself, but it comes with the added psychological bent of not merely pitting man vs man, but man vs woman. Sometimes even affecting relationships!

Well I for one will not just stand idly by waiting for the people of earth to become so occupied with alien manipulated infighting that the aliens can launch a sneak all out assault!

I say call the cops, get the FBI on this, the X-file people, Interpol or anyone you know, and next time you encounter one of these 'broken' toilets, don't just leave your piss and shit for me to discover - come out and let everyone know THAT’S NOT A TOILET IT’S AN ALIEN - RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

I am sorry to have to fill you with such fear, but these aliens are camped around the world, concentrating mostly in well built up regions and almost ignoring rural regions. Their plan must be to hit the cities, yet still, please don't worry too much, for I believe I have spotted a weakness.

In my personal toilet use, which is quite frequent as I consume enormous amounts of soda and also have a shy bladder when it comes to urinals, I encounter an alien toilet that has self repaired itself since its last user approximately 93% of the time. A huge percentage. Yet…

I almost NEVER encounter a toilet CURRENTLY in the broken flush or locked seat positions, at most, maybe 0.0001% of the time. This is an astronomical anomaly.

Based on my experiences I can confidently say that clearly the leader of the aliens has sent a direct order - 'if you suspect the human is suspicious then act normal'

So I say spread the word. Act suspicious. If you encounter a toilet that doesn’t seem to have a lifting seat or working flush, don’t just leave your filth behind for the next person to find, talk to it. ‘I’m on to you, you alien beast, self-repair now or I’ll kick you’ seems to work.

If everyone gets on board there may still be hope for the human race! Then perhaps we can take the time to learn from the aliens, and perhaps steal their self-repair skills for ourselves to be used for good – like, you know, with fixing broken vending machines or something vital like that. I mean sometimes I just want a soda something silly and I can’t get one, and that’s just the sort of problem that may become critical one day!

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