Thursday, April 7, 2016

Fifteen - Shaking Answers From The Sky

Jeremy Pondasy, a slightly pensive salesman of pansies, originally from Pulsy in Pindfay County, was living a great life. Most times when he bought something he was happy with the price, he hadn't been to the paradise of Tahiti once he'd been there twice, he had a wife named Glice, named after her mother's pet mice, his kids had hair lice, and the hair lice had made thousands of dollars betting on dice, the last time someone had attacked him with a knife he hadn't been stabbed, he'd merely been sliced, and he'd stolen the thousands of dollars from the lice and bought lots of nutmeg, which is a really nice spice. Which are all things almost anyone can have, but he also had the one thing everyone REALLY wants - a fun hobby. 

Unfortunately for him his hobby was really stupid. 

It was trying out different Japanese restaurants in his town. And as we all know almost all Japanese restaurants have strict 'no outside nutmeg' rules. Also his town had no Japanese people, so the local Japanese restaurants were mostly run by men who worked at the local quarry, who had learned to prepare Japanese food off a visiting astronaut who had crashed in the quarry hole and begged them not to turn him in to the local scientists at the university and then had used his green fingers to to turn seventeen rocks into tuna fish. 

I visited one of these Japanese restaurants myself one day. And I witnessed Jeremy on the unfortunate day that he inexplicably found a rock in his Cucumber and Ear of cloned Alien Seaweed Roll. Which normally isn't a big deal. But get this, he MADE a big deal about it! He even complained! Over something so tiny! I mean what a dick.

But the incident gave me an idea, and ideas fuel my scheme brain, and my scheme brain alighted my plan objective region of my brain, which was exposed because I had recently rented it out to the local scientists at the university for them to use as some weird sort of 'splicing with the green man clone efforts' or some crap. Who pays attention to these things? Who cares, I got twenty bucks.

When ideas hit you have to grab them NOW and blow them up BIG, or else they float away and get turned into butterflies, and I don't like butterflies, they remind me of birds, especially when birds are eating them, so I jumped on it, and just eight months later put it into action. 

My idea was to copy him and to start a new trend of eating bowls of rocks for meals, something that once I started, I attacked with a gusto, aplomb and a desire to be aplomb in in the gusto department. 

I ate bowls of rocks for breakfast, lunch, dinner, food between meals and even for snacks. Soon I was eating so many bowls of rocks that I was on a first name basis with the owners of all the local rock restaurants.

Fun fact: Most restaurants ARE rock restaurants, they just don't put their rock dishes on the menu because as they'd tell me 'we only sell rocks to people special enough to seek them out'. Sometimes so few people are seeking them that the restaurants seem unprepared and end up having to dig for rocks in the garden, that's how special these dishes are. 

Now why am I telling you this? I'll tell you why, because it was during one of my rock meals that something hit me, and it hit me BIG and right THEN, which at the time was NOW! 

While I'd been busy spreading this awesome new trend I'd forgotten that I was supposed to be developing a special new skill to be able to spot danger BEFORE it got me, and I NEEDED that skill, and I needed it THEN, which also was NOW at the time, and I also needed it NOW, which is NOW at THIS time. 

Just then. As I remembered. A miracle struck me. Striking me so hard that if there were ten of me and the miracle was a bowling ball I'd have been struck hard enough for it to be a strike, or maybe one of those nine pin knock downs that make you scream 'how was that not a strike you dicks!' And I knew it was a miracle because it was FRESH and NEW and came unexpected and completely out of the blue - that's right, inexplicably one of my teeth began to throb. And I knew immediately that a throbbing tooth would be an EXCELLENT danger detector. 

God had given me a gift. And he'd given it to me by letting me just decide to have it. Still I needed to double check that this was real.

'God' I cried out-loud in the loudest voice I could get out 'if this is my danger detector then please let my tooth continue to throb right now!' 

I paused.

I took stock.

I sold that stock on the black market.

Then I paused again.

My tooth was still throbbing, this WAS it! 

Then I paused again.

'Oh wait, God, is this throb a throb to answer my question, or is it to answer my question AND to let me know I'm CURRENTLY in danger, if it's the latter have it remain throbbing?' I screamed louder than a heavy metal concert played by an all steam train band, you know, you because you have to, Gods WAY up there.

I paused.

I took more stock.

I decided I didn't have the time to nick off to the black market to sell it, so I tried to sell it back to the restaurant.

Then the restaurant threw me out violently.

And as I sat on the pavement bruised and bloodied, I realized, my tooth WAS still throbbing, and I HAD been in danger! Danger of being inexplicably thrown out! 

This was BIG. And it was happening to me NOW! 

To be explained more* 

*Speaking of more, I'm dying to try more of those Cucumber and Alien Ear Seaweed Rolls by the way, there is an inexplicable familiar and comforting taste to those things, almost like a part of them is coming home*

*And where home is YUM, not two times but thrice. 

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