I'm sure you all remember the Great Fluing Of '98. It was awesome. EVERYONE was phlegmy, so no CARED about being phlegmy. We all played with tadpoles in phlegm puddles. We went on the phlegm slides at Wet And Gooey Phlemg Recreation park. We rested our weary bones in relaxing phlegm jacuzzis. We swung off ropes into phlegm rivers. We went phlegm skiing across the local phlegm lake behind phlegm shooting speed boat propellers. And we made beautiful love in the phlegm grotto at the Playboy mansion (although technically that had been there since the sixties and so was not part of the great fluing of '98). I even heard three toddlers learned to blow their OWN noses. It was so sweet, it was their first time doing something their older sisters were trying to teach them. And it was also kind of gross, they held those tissues with their fingers, do you know how DISGUSTING toddlers' fingers are? Ewwwww.
Everyone was having fun. Except me of course. As the first person to have this particular strand of flu I got the blame, which is stupid! I mean I was also the one hired by the government to chemically develop the flu, out of some fly feces, six vats of melted treadmill tread, the phlegm of a hundred Phlegm Tailed Canyon Condors (which don't actually exist, obviously, who's stupid enough to believe such in an obviously mythical bird? Mythical things aren't real you dicks - These Condors are actually just Doves with Meryl Streep's used tissues from her crying scenes in Sophie's Choice stuck on them using the seaman from a werewolf), and the memories of two ghost monkeys fighting in a burlap sack, so surely THAT'S why I deserved to get the blame. People are such morons.
Plus it's not my fault everyone fell for my practical joke, you know the one where I announced everyone on earth had to lick my used dinner plates or I'd release the ghost monkeys in THEIR houses.
People are so stupid, everyone knows it's annoying and tedious to try and entice ghost monkeys out of burlap sacks, do I look like someone who would do something annoying and tedious? Yes I do, obviously. And it's so boring doing something you look like you'd do. Do I look like someone who would do something I look like I'd do? Yes, clearly. So I'm NOT going to do something boring am I? That's why I pulled the practical joke in the first place, because one day Kev said 'wow you look cool today', and I was like 'so you're saying that I'll do stuff other than be cool, cause why would I look cool AND act cool, you're such a dick'. So I had to do something cool to show him!
It was only after the seventeenth person was licking my seventeenth now empty plate of gnocchi in hash-brown sauce that something unprecedented and unique hit me 'I'm sort of full, in fact I have been nearly all week since I started this, maybe I could just spit in people's mouths instead for a while'.
And that's what made me realize something even unprecedenteder and uniquer 'also I have tons of this flu in vials at home, I could just put it in the water supply'.
And that's when something even unprecedentederer and uniquerer struck me in the face 'or I could just NOT spread the flu to everyone'.
And that's when something slapped my very soul with epic levels of
unprecedentedererist and uniquererathons 'nah fuck that, why should I be the only one who feels a tad sick!'
So I went back to eating gnocchi in hash brown sauce, and kept it up non-stop for the next three months, before I was hospitalized with a rare form of Potato Poisoning. I don't know how I got it, I hadn't eaten potato in years. I must have got it while melting the treadmill tread, some dick must have been eating potatoes while working out. Idiots.
Three years in the hospital getting your veins one by one taken out and scraped of potato residue can give you some time to think. And I hate thinking, so I watched LOTS of TV. But then one day the TV broke, and I was FORCED to think.
I began to feel proud. The great Fluing had happened because of ME. And, outside of the unprecedented levels of suffering, it had brought joy to the world, I'D done that. And I'd done it by making a BIG decision and making it THEN (which at the time was NOW). If I could do that I could do ANYTHING! I controlled my own destiny. If I wanted a special skill all I had to do was decide to get one. And that's why I made a BIG decision and I made it NOW!
I decided to only ever make BIG decisions from NOW on. And the first one I made, and I made it BIG, was that as soon as I figured out how to do it, I'd decide to have that special skill right NOW. And that's just what I did.
There's more coming to town*
*the town of Inthisstoryville*
*which would be a badass place to live, I bet they'd have cool things, like maybe they'd even have a local park, and parks are badass, and badassness is awesome, and awesomeness can be cool, wow now THAT be worth enticing out of a burlap sack!